Disclaimer: I do not own Alvin and the Chipmunks or The Swan Princess.
(Dave is the King and Jeanette's father, and Miss Miller is the Queen and Simon's mother. King David rides on a horse to Queen Beatrice's castle, carrying little Jeanette with him. Imagine baby Jeanette from "The Chipette Story", but maybe somewhat older, with hair like Jeanette's from the Squeakquel, wearing a cute little-girly princess-y pinkish-purple dress. Simon is waiting with Queen Beatrice; imagine toddler Simon (recall "Merry Christmas, Mr. Carroll, at the part where the Ghost of Christmas Past shows Alvin the past when Dave first wrote "Christmas Don't Be Late"), wearing a cute blue little prince outfit of a style that he continues to don as he grows older).
The story is that King David and Queen Beatrice, having lost their own children at the hand of the peasants during an attempted revolution, each adopted a chipmunk child as an heir to the throne. Hoping to prevent another revolt from happening, they decided to train their children in the art of singing, knowing that if the two were pop stars as well as monarchs, they would be beloved by the masses. Pop-culture idol worship. Go figure.
Anyway, knowing that a marriage between two singing chipmunk monarchs would join their kingdoms and make for the wedding of the century, as well as juicy tabloid fodder (good for their economies!),they decided to betroth their children and make them spend the summer with each other every year in the hopes that they would grow to like each other and agree to the marriage.
King David: Dearest Beatrice! Lovely as always. And who might this strapping young man be? Certainly the young Prince Simon! (Simon sulks)
Queen Beatrice: (blushes) Welcome to our fair kingdom, and to you, young princess.
(King David lowers Jeanette from the horse. He and Queen Beatrice push their children into greeting each other. The two children reluctantly walk up to meet each other).
Simon: (sarcastically) Hello Princess Jeanette. I'm very pleased to meet you.
Jeanette: (sincerely, and with a curtsy) Pleased to meet you, Prince Simon.
(Simon walks back to the Queen, but she goes, "Nah-ah ah!" and points back at Jeanette. Having been drilled on etiquette for this day, Simon knows what he has to do. He walks up to Jeanette, takes her hand, and slowly forces himself to kiss it. He immediately goes, "Yuck!" and wipes his face.
Simon:
Why must this stupid girl be here all summer?
I'll bet she doesn't do math or play chess!
Jeanette:
He seems so arrogant…
Simon:
She's so much dumber!
Both:
If one of us caught influenza, it would be for the best!
Simon:
So happy you could come
Jeanette:
So happy to be here…
Both:
This idea is dumb…
Jeanette:
This is not how I-
Simon:
This isn't how I-
Both:
Define fun!
(Simon and Jeanette are fighting over a book in the castle while the King and Queen discuss their future with each other).
Queen:
The children seem to get along quite nicely
King:
We'll join our lands and bands if this plan clicks!
Queen:
My dear King David, that's my point precisely!
King:
It's good parenting!
Queen:
And politics!
Both:
And marketing gimmicks!
Queen:
So happy we agree
King:
I think we got a deal
Queen:
Simon's quite a catch!
(Simon runs from Jeanette, who is after his Calculus book)
King:
This is how I-
Queen:
This is how I define!
Both:
Perfect match!
(King and Queen laugh and pull children apart. King takes Simon, and Queen takes Jeanette and hands her a fairytales book).
Queen:
What fun! (laughs)
(Flash forward about five years. Jeanette is dressed the way she is in the cartoon. King David is packed up and ready to go, but Jeanette is sulking in her tower top bedroom).
King:
Good heavens child! Don't dawdle!
We can't keep Simon waiting!
Jeanette:
But I'm afraid I'll fall off board,
I'll trip when I get sea-sick!
(Meanwhile, at Queen Beatrice's castle, the Queen opens Simon's bedroom door to find him placing a Jeanette doll into his handmade catapult, aiming at the vat of sulfuric acid he had concocted).
Queen:
They soon will be arriving… (gasps)
(Jeanette doll lands in the acid).
Is that Voodoo you're practicing?
Simon:
Her presence triggers my gag reflex-
In other words, makes me sick!
(As Jeanette walks off board when the ship arrives at Queen Beatrice's kingdom, Simon's friend Alvin loads tomatoes into Simon's catapult, and Simon releases them at Jeanette. Jeanette loses her balance and falls into the water).
King:
They will someday sing a chart-topping duet!
Queen:
To it!
(Simon and Alvin slide down the banister, followed by Jeanette).
Simon:
We must find a retreat from her if we want to live!
Jeanette:
Wait! Can I come?
Alvin:
No! You're too clumsy!
(Jeanette falls ungracefully off the banister when she reaches the bottom).
(Jeanette follows Simon and Alvin to their treehouse. Alvin pulls up the ladder before Jeanette can climb it).
Simon:
Her equilibrium-
Alvin:
Her what?
Simon:
Is defective!
Alvin:
You'd think she'd clean those specs for once so she could read!
(Alvin posts a CAUTION: NO KLUTZES sign outside the treehouse).
Jeanette:
I promise I won't fall!
Simon:
I calculate you'll kill us all!
Jeanette:
Screw your calculations… waaahh!
(Jeanette trips over the treehouse's wooden support on the ground. The house comes crashing down on top of her).
(Jeanette rides away in bandages and crutches with King David, who is shaking his head in disapproval. Simon and Alvin are also in bandages and crutches, being chastised by Queen Beatrice).
Jeanette:
This is not how I-
Simon and Alvin:
This isn't how I define fun!
(Peasants sing as Jeanette rides back to the harbor, and also during the time montage when Simon and Jeanette become teenagers and read books by firelight in their warm cozy castles during the dark snowy winter).
Peasants:
Long before they met
Simon and Jeanette
Were destined to be wedded
Together they sing so beau-ti-ful-ly
But we will never hear the two in harmony
Because to them the thought of partnership
Is dreaded…
(Teenage Jeanette is wearing a French braid, glasses that resemble the ones she wears in the Squeakquel, and a dress like the one teenage Odette wears in the real version of the song. King David is fighting to get her out of the carriage while Queen Beatrice is ordering Simon to get down from the tree to greet her).
(Inside the castle, Jeanette trips and crashes into one of the castle guards as he walks by).
Simon:
She's always injuring our guards and servants
(Jeanette is wearing a groom's outfit and giggling at Simon in the outfit she's making him wear).
She tries to get me in a wedding dress
Alvin:
You know you like her, now, c'mon, admit it!
Simon:
Well, maybe if she'd let me win at chess!
(Simon and Jeanette are seated at a chess table, pondering their moves. Alvin stands behind Jeanette, silently making move suggestions to Simon. Ignoring Alvin, Simon moves his knight and takes Jeanette's queen).
Simon:
Knight E-five to Queen F-seven!
(Jeanette corners Simon's king with her bishop).
Jeanette:
Checkmate, I win again!
Simon and Alvin:
Every time, she's won!
Jeanette:
This is how I-
Simon and Alvin:
This isn't how I-
Everyone:
Define fun!
(Simon and Jeanette are riding in a carriage to the harbor past a bunch of singing peasants. Jeanette waves politely to the peasants while Simon uses his fingers to put rabbit ears behind Jeanette).
Peasants:
A royal wedding concert
I'd love to get some tickets!
At least they'll make a music video to watch on TV!
Someday, these two will marry…
Their lands will be one country
With lots of opportunity for jobs as paparazzi!
(Jeanette leaves the carriage at the harbor. As she is boarding the ship, Simon is hit by a tomato. He turns around and notices that Jeanette has a catapult of her own on the ship).
(A few years later, after Simon and Jeanette are fully grown, King David writes a letter to Queen Beatrice during a winter night).
King:
What if Jeanette won't take Simon as her partner?
(Queen Beatrice writes back).
Queen:
Harp her!
(Adult Simon and Jeanette resemble the ones from the episode "Big Dreams". They wear the same models of glasses as the adults of that episode, but Simon wears the same old princely outfit, while Jeanette wears a slim light purple and blue dress similar to what adult Odette wears. They are in their bedrooms, stacking furniture in front of their doors to keep their parents from barging in. They stare at the calendar, seeing that it is that time of year again).
Simon and Jeanette:
For as long as I remember
We've been told we have no choice
But to wed with one another…
(Simon is being pushed and dressed up by Queen Beatrice and some of her servants).
Simon:
Arranged engagement is so obsolete…
(Jeanette is carried out of the carriage and into the castle by a pair of strong bodyguards).
Jeanette:
I will not wed! I won't accept defeat…
(Simon is pushed into the room where he is supposed to meet with Jeanette).
Simon:
I deserve a better girl than she…
(Jeanette is tossed into the room. She spins as her coat is peeled off, and folds her arms stubbornly).
Jeanette:
They can't tell he hates me…
(Simon and Jeanette turn around to face each other. Pleasantly shocked, Simon smiles. Also shocked, Jeanette begins to palpitate).
Jeanette:
Behind those glasses, he is such a cutie…
He's smiling… at me… now my fears are gone…
(King David and Queen Beatrice peek at the pair expectantly).
Simon:
Her awkward exterior hid her true beauty…
Grace, charm, intelligence… a perfect swan!
Jeanette:
So happy to be here…
Simon:
How could I be so blind
Simon and Jeanette:
To the one whom my dreams are made of…
Simon:
How do you define…
Jeanette:
A feeling so divine…
(King and Queen burst in, smiling and hugging).
King and Queen:
How do you define this perfect royal and romantic union!
(Servants burst in, with food and bouquets, begin playing music, and turn the chandelier on).
Servants:
How do you define…
Something so divine…
This is how I define
A magical and musical occasion!
This is exactly how I deee-
-fiiiiine…..
Love!
(Simon and Jeanette slowly but enthusiastically dance to dreamy music with stars in their eyes).
Jeanette:
How do you define…
Simon:
This feeling, so divine…
Simon and Jeanette:
This is how I deeee-
-fine…..
Love…
(Simon and Jeanette share a long, slow kiss).
The End
Thank you for reading! I also made a YouTube video of the same title, with me singing the song.