Disclaimer: The characters and background stories of "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" do not belong to me but to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just take them out to play, honestly. No copyright infringement is intended. No profit will be made. The plot, however, is mine. So, please, don't post anywhere else without my permission.
Subtext is maintext here. To be more exact this story takes place in an alternate universe where same sex relationships and marriages are normal; also "Ghost" never happened and Alex' mother didn't die. There's more but that would be telling.
English isn't my first language. So, don't be shy in telling me should I butcher grammar and spelling too much. I'm still learning.
This story is dedicated to Chris who was the second person to find out from where my alias was derived. (And just for those who are curious the dedicated story for the first person is not yet finished.)
The story was first published at the Shatterstorm Advent Calendar 2009 (29th December 2009); so, I probably should also post the "Proud Parcipant" icon with this story.
Feedback is always welcome under romansilence[at]
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For Thy Sweet Love Remembered…
by
romansilence
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Chapter One
Detective Dani Beck strode into the squad room as a woman with a mission.
Two weeks ago her captain had volunteered her to temporarily replace one of the regular detectives of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit who had been recruited by the FBI for an undercover operation. The first couple of days had not been a stellar success, in fact it had been outright horrible.
In retrospect and only to herself Dani admitted that she had acted prematurely concerning the fingerprints and the treatment of their suspect, but it did still not warrant the acerbic comments of her then partner, Detective Odafin Tutuola – and subsequently it seemed that there was nothing she could do right in his eyes. He even had asked for some leave just to get out of what he called 'his babysitter assignment', instead of granting him that, Captain Cragen had assigned her a new partner.
Detective Elliot Stabler was every straight woman's dream: tall, good looking, and at least from her perspective they had hit it right off. They flirted and had even shared a heated kiss.
Then, about a week into her assignment Elliot's regular partner had returned from a week of leave, the night after the kiss. After a quick consultation with the captain it was decided that Dani would continue to partner with Elliot and Olivia would work with Finn.
Dani had been smitten from the first moment she had laid eyes on the brunette, her sexual interest in Elliot all but forgotten. In her eyes Sergeant Olivia Benson was not only beautiful but she seemed to fill every room with her presence the moment she entered. Outwardly aloof and almost cold her whole attitude changed to genuine warmth whenever she had to deal with a victim or a witness; and seeing her working her magic with a frightened child was outright mesmerising.
And so, Dani had made it her mission to get to know the woman better. She had invited her to coffee and lunch, but Olivia had always insisted on paying her half of the tab and despite Dani's best efforts their conversation had never strayed from professional small talk.
Elliot seemed like her best chance to get some first hand information about Olivia, but Dani quickly found out that as open as he was about most things in his private life as tight lipped he was about the private life of his partner. His reluctance, however, made her even more determined to get behind the woman's professional façade.
And now by a stroke of luck she finally knew how to bond with the enigmatic Sergeant.
The day before she had had a chance to see a photo in Olivia's purse. It showed her with a classically beautiful blond woman with captivating blue eyes and a toddler with brown hair and the same deep blue eyes. The face of the woman seemed familiar, somehow, but it took her half of the night before she finally remembered all the pictures and head-lines plastered all over the city about three years ago.
"ADA slain by mob."
"Still no hints on the murder of ADA Cabot."
"Slain ADA leaves mourning mother, wife, and daughter."
Google had helped her to refresh her memory and slowly the outline of the relationship between the daughter of a college professor and the heir to one of New York's leading families and fortunes began to take shape, blue collar and money nobility. For a while the love affair between the first year law student at Columbia University and the then simple beat cop seemed to have been the centre piece of every paper's society section. Their marriage had been in the public spotlight from the moment Alexandra Cabot had proposed to a newly promoted Detective Olivia Benson. The snapshots and official photos Dani found on the net clearly showed the deep love those women shared, and after Alexandra had given birth to their daughter it became even more palatable.
For a moment Dani's eyes had fallen on her wedding photo and she had smiled but not at the love she would always have for her deceased husband but at the fact that now she had something in common with the elusive Olivia Benson. They both had lost loved ones to senseless violence; they could help each other get over their loss.
Dani had fallen asleep fantasising about kissing Olivia's pain away and exploring the other woman's skin with her lips and tongue.
So, this morning Dani was prepared. On the way to the precinct she had stopped for a cafe latte from Starbucks for Olivia. She had their whole conversation already planned out in her head. Olivia, however, was not at her desk doing paperwork, as she usually was.
About half an hour later she overheard Captain Cragen telling Elliot that Fin and Olivia had been called to a scene at the crack of dawn.
Dani vowed to try the next day, and gulped down the already half cooled coffee with for her taste had far too much milk in it.
When they finally came in around mid-morning Detective Tutuola went to brief the captain and Olivia headed straight for her desk. As she sat down her professional mask slipped for a moment and the wary expression on Olivia's face went right to Dani's heart, and then the expression of vulnerability was gone.
SVU's assistant district attorney Casey Novak entered the squad room and headed directly to Elliot's desk to ask him a few questions about a DD5 he had filed only the day before. Dani's own paperwork was almost done. So, she decided to grant herself a short break.
Dani went over to the coffee station to brew a fresh pot and keep an eye on Olivia, ready to step in should the mask once again slip. Standing there she realised that her plan could still work; all she needed were a few minutes with Olivia, uninterrupted. Now was as good a time as any, Dani told herself.
-x-x-x-
Casey took a few notes and asked her next question, but instead of an answer Elliot said, "Uhuh!"
"What's up, Elliot?" She asked.
"Turn around and look for yourself," Elliot answered.
"Uhuh!" Casey echoed and looked back at the tall Ex-Marine, "Why didn't you warn her?"
"You can't keep a moth from the flame, Case," Elliot said. "I tried, I warned her. I told her to leave Liv alone. Guess what? She didn't listen."
Casey once again turned around and saw Detective Beck leaning against and half sitting on Olivia's desk, trying to hand the other woman a cup of freshly brewed coffee.
"Big mistake," she commented.
By now both of them had given up the pretence of working and were openly staring at the scene enfolding right in front of them.
-x-x-x-
Detective Beck was pacing as much as the confines of Captain Donald Cragen's office allowed. Her emotions vacillated between feeling humiliated and being angry.
The fact that she now was waiting in that office like a naughty school girl waiting for a dressing down from the principal didn't really help improve her mood. Dani took a deep breath and tried to understand when her conversation with Oli… with Sergeant Benson had started to go so terribly wrong; especially since it had begun on such a promising note.
Olivia had thanked her for the coffee and they had chatted for a moment. Dani had slowly brought up the subject of their murdered spouses and how they could help each other cope; especially at this time of the year, when everyone from Adam to Eve was promoting family values. Yes, what she had said, had not sounded as convincing as it had earlier that day in her head, but she still thought that her arguments would have an impact on Olivia; and they had, just not the way she had hoped.
Olivia's eyes had widened and her eyes had quickly turned hard. She had rolled her chair back from the desk and studied Dani as if she just had grown a second head.
Her voice had been cold when she had asked, "And, pray tell, Detective Beck, how do you intent to 'help' me? And what makes you think that after more than three years I would need your help to mourn my wife?"
Dani then had told her that she had felt drawn to Olivia from the very first moment and that their shared experience of losing a loved one to an act of senseless violence put them in the unique position of understanding each other better than anyone else ever could and that they should explore the possibilities.
"Explore the possibilities? Care to elaborate?" Olivia had asked calmly.
Dani had leaned against Olivia's desk and given her her most charming smile. She had answered that they could start with dinner and proposed an Italian place just a couple of blocks from 1, Hogan Place.
Olivia slowly put the mug on the desk, "And how would you like this dinner to end? In my bedroom?"
In retrospect the sarcasm in Olivia's voice had been evident but earlier, out there in the squad room, she had not wanted to hear it. Now, aside from being angry at Olivia and the whole situation Dani was also angry at herself for not backtracking as quickly as possible as long as she had had the chance.
Instead she had caressed the rim of Olivia's coffee mug, seemingly inadvertently, and said, "I wouldn't mind sharing a bed with you and more, Olivia, you're a very beautiful and intriguing woman, but not at the first date. Before we do that I'd like the chance to get to know your daughter."
How stupid had that been? Olivia had slowly stood up, very slowly. Her eyes had gone completely cold and a white line had appeared at the left and right side of her nose. She had stepped into Dani's personal space. Her voice had been calm, controlled but to Dani it had been evident that it took quite an effort.
"Who do you think you are, Detective Beck? Do you really think you have what it takes to take Alexandra Cabot's place in my life? You are not woman enough for that; and even if you were the last human being in the world I wouldn't fall for you charms.
"I thought I had made it abundantly clear during our lunches that I'm not interested in anything but a purely professional relationship, but since you apparently didn't understand I'll tell you in a language you can understand: Fuck off, Detective Beck, stay out of my life! And if you ever again mention my wife or my daughter I will make sure that you end up writing parking tickets for the rest of your career."
Dani had been speechless and when Olivia had already turned away from her she finally had burst out, "And who do you think you are to threaten me like that?"
"Who I am?" Olivia's voice had gotten even colder, "I am Sergeant Olivia Benson-Cabot, wife of Alexandra Cabot, mother of Janet Elizabeth Cabot, and you don't know half of what I'm capable of to protect my family. Oh, and one more thing: get your ass off my desk, now."
Suddenly Captain Cragen had been there and had sent Olivia upstairs to "take a breather" as he had called it, followed by a "Beck, my office, now!"
The last thing she had heard before she had closed the door was that Cragen had asked Elliot if Janet was in town or in the Hamptons.
By now Dani had stopped her pacing and looked out into the squad room. Finn and Elliot were sitting at their desks, apparently focused on their paperwork, as were the other officers of the squad still in the room. Working here at the Special Victims Unit was the challenge she had hoped for when she had finally earned her gold shield, it also would have been a smart career move. Even though she doubted that Olivia would or even could make good on her threat, she feared that her time here was counted, and being thrown out of a unit that consisted of volunteers only was not good for the career.
From that her thoughts turned from angry to morose, and she wasn't even aware that Captain Cragen had entered his office.
"Take a seat, Detective Beck." She slowly obeyed. "For the record, the squad room is no place for romance and trying to hook up with a co-worker is always a bad idea. Don't do it again. Now: off the record. Trying to get closer to Olivia by referring to Alex was the worst thing you could do. However, even if you had been, let's say, less blunt, it would not have done any good. And to be blunt myself, you're not the first person who wanted to get into Olivia's pants those last three years, and I doubt that you will be the last.
"What I'm about to tell you now is not to leave this room, but you're a good cop and I would hate to lose you. When Alex died we all lost part of our family but no one lost as much as Olivia; and if not for their daughter she might no longer be with us. She would have given up. There never will be anyone else but Alexandra Cabot for Olivia. So, just do us all a favour and stay out of Olivia's way for the next couple of days," Cragen said.
"You don't think that she really could do something to get me demoted, Captain?" Dani asked.
"Olivia never uses the connections of the Cabot family expect when it comes to protect those she cares for, Detective Beck, Dani, but don't fool yourself into thinking that she wouldn't if she considered you to be a threat, which she doesn't. I got her to calm down and she told me that you had what it takes to become a good SVU detective.
"She does not want you to leave the squad, but if she did it would only cost her a couple of phone calls. She has a superior judge on her speed dial, among others, and I don't even want to think about all the connections her mother-in-law could call upon. The Cabots and their friends were a tight-knit clan before Alex was killed but since then they've grown extremely protective about each other, and Olivia is one of them," Cragen explained.
"With all those connections what she's still doing here?" Dani asked, curiosity taking the better of her.
"I asked her that once and she answered, 'Because that is what I wanted to do. I'm a cop, not a politician.' And believe me she had enough offers, still does," Don answered. "Olivia was right, you have what it takes to make it in this unit even if you didn't get off on a good start with Fin, but if I had to choose between her and you, you would lose."
"I understand, Captain. You certainly gave me a lot to think about. Is there anything else?"
"Yes, there is. Mrs. Cabot and Olivia's daughter are coming by to take her for lunch. And whenever the girl comes around we make sure that there are no crime scene photos hanging around and that all the file folders are closed. Theoretically Janet knows what her mother is doing but we all feel that she doesn't need any graphical reminders."
"I'll make sure that everything is packed away, Captain. Thank you for the pep talk. Do you think I should apologise to Olivia now?"
"Give it a day or two, Dani, and never again lean against her desk. That's Alex' prerogative."
"Thank you, Captain."
-x-x-x-
Janet had been thrilled to see her friends from the one-six again. It was not often that her mother allowed her to visit the precinct, usually she waited for them just outside of the building. So, whenever she was allowed to enter the squad room it always was a big deal for her, and it allowed her to see her favourite uncles in their workplace.
Janet still had been a bit hyped up that evening and it had taken longer to get her to sleep than usual. Olivia had worked on a couple of files, readied herself for bed, read a couple of pages of a novel. Before she extinguished her bedside light she touched her index and middle finger to her lips and then transferred it to the picture frame on her bedside table.
"I love you, Alex."
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Chapter Two
"I love you, Liv, I always will." The woman turned the bedside light off and snuggled under her light covers to sleep. "And I love you, Janny." Her words were directed towards the ceiling but not less heartfelt.
She closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep, but as usual she didn't succeed, as usual something was off, a scent, the feeling of the sheets against her skin, the smell. And before she had a chance to find out what it was this time her front door chimed.
She climbed out of the bed, put on a robe, and headed towards the front door. There was a man in a dark grey suit standing right in front of the spy hole. He was holding up a badge and an ID. It looked genuine but she needed to make sure.
"Put your badge on the outer left edge of the doormat and take five steps back," she said.
The man did as ordered; the door opened just enough to pull the badge in and a couple of minutes later the woman finally opened the door. She had changed into sweatpants and a hoodie and had checked the badge and the agent's description with her contact at the marshal's office just like she always did – and after more than three years she knew that never meant anything good.
"Come in, Special Agent Parks. To what do I owe the honour of your visit this late at night? And please don't tell me that I'll have to relocate again. I rather like teaching law," the tall blonde said.
"I have good news for a change, Mrs. Cabot," Parks said.
"Say that again, please."
"I have good news."
"No, the other. Say the name again, please."
"Mrs. Cabot, Cesar Velez is dead. He and all of his lieutenants were killed two days ago in Columbia," the agent said.
"Are you sure? He's really dead?" Alex asked.
"I have photos to prove it, Mrs. Cabot, as well as police reports and the reports of the medical examiner. I can assure you, he's dead."
"As dead as I am – or really dead? Show them to me. After all this time I need more than your word, Agent Parks. I'm sure Agent Hammond or my case file told you that much about me."
"It's not a pretty sight, Mrs. Cabot," Parks cautioned.
"Agent Parks, for three years I was the ADA for Manhattan's Special Victims Unit and during that time I have seen pretty much anything human beings do to other human beings, and I've dealt with the survivors of the most heinous crimes. There's not much that can shock me anymore. I need facts and I need to see them with my own eyes."
Agent Parks pulled a thick folder out of the briefcase he had been carrying with him and handed it over. She slowly opened it and with the first picture the professional mask of Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot was back. It didn't even slip when she saw a very familiar face among the dead, and not when she read the M.E.'s report. The only sign of weakness was that when she was through she started again, picture by picture, report by report.
She closed the file and looked at the FBI agent through her wire rimmed glasses, "From the pictures I gather that this was not an official mission."
"I'm afraid that Agent Hammond didn't handle your case by the book."
"What do you mean, 'not by the book'? He's the one who always quoted his sacred regulations to me whenever I wanted something just for me," Alex burst out.
"It's a long story and it started three and a half years ago in New York City. Agent Hammond left a letter for you. My superiors don't want you to see it, but they also didn't object when I took it with me; and I think you have a right to know," Agent Parks said and handed Alex an envelope.
It contained three sheets of paper. The front and the back were both covered in handwriting. The handwriting was small and neat, not at all like she had suspected Hammond would write. It started with the words, "Dear Alexandra…"
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Olivia entered her home and closed the door behind her. She sank back against the hardwood surface of the door, exhaustion finally getting the better of her, though her mind was still running a mile a minute.
It had been a hell of a week; and thinking back, her anger at Detective Beck's ill-fated attempt at seduction a couple of days ago had been at the harmless end of the spectrum, and it had had a positive outcome. It had brought her an unexpected lunch with her daughter which as usual had done wonders to get her to relax. It had also allowed her to refocus on the case.
Alicia Silver's case was one of those which got under the skin of everyone involved, regardless of how detached they usually were.
A six-year old being raped and beaten by her own father unfortunately was not something new, but the girl being raped with the barrel of a gun because she had begged her father not to play their 'game' for one night was something that could make a person sick to the stomach.
The mother turning a blind eye to what happened in her home was also nothing unusual, as was a neighbour reporting the crime; but the girl begging the detectives to be allowed to apologise to her father because it all had been her fault, a father who had convinced his own child that what happened to her was necessary because she had seduced him, the girl crying in Olivia's arms.
That had been enough to break one's heart.
Alex would have had a field day with the father who despite his defence attorney's warning had made a full confession. She would have eviscerated him in court and would have made sure that he served the full sentence for every single time he had raped his innocent daughter, and that he would serve his sentences consecutively. He would never again breathe unfiltered air.
But Alex was gone, Alex was dead. Alex had died three years, two months and sixteen days ago because she had not been fast enough, because Olivia had failed to protect her.
Alex was dead because she had failed her. It was her fault, and regardless of what Caroline tried to convince her, regardless of what Don said, regardless of what George wanted her to believe, regardless of what Elliot said, she knew better. Olivia knew that ultimately it had been her fault. It was because of her that Janny had lost her Mommy. If she only had been a couple of seconds faster, she could have saved her love; the bullet would never have hit her. She could have saved her wife, she could have saved Alex's life.
Olivia shock herself out of those musings when her cell phone rang.
The paperwork was done; Harald Silver's arraignment would not be before Monday morning. She really hoped that it wasn't an emergency. She needed the night to unwind before she would join her daughter at the Cabot estate in the Hamptons the next morning. Olivia was surprised to see Abbie Carmichael's number and said as much when she accepted the call.
Abbie seemed to be in rather good spirits, "Hey, Olivia, I heard you have the end of a case to celebrate. I'm in Esther's with a couple of friends, care to join us?"
"Who told you about the case, Abs? Isn't that below you as a high and might US Attorney?" Olivia asked.
"Serena and Casey are here too, and Casey entertained us with the tale of how you and Elliot skilfully coaxed a confession out of the perp despite his attorney's presence."
A drink among friends sounded good, but Olivia was not in the mood to deal with Serena Southerlyn when she was drunk. Alex' law school friend tended to get rather touchy-feely when she had a drink too many, and she tended to forget that Olivia would only ever see her as a friend, nothing more.
"Another time, Abs. I'm dead tired and I need to get up early for the drive to the Hamptons."
"We haven't seen each other in months, come on, just one drink," Abbie begged.
Olivia smiled, "How about an early breakfast, at Rita's bakery? I'm buying if you flirt with Casey."
"How early is early? And why would you want me to do that? You know I'm not wired your way."
"I know, but Casey has a big crush on Serena, has had for years, and Serena knows that and even shares her feelings, but she also thinks that Casey is a safe bet, so she doesn't do anything about it. Someone as drop-dead gorgeous as you, someone who usually doesn't play for our team might just make her re-evaluate her options. Is six too early?"
"Much too early. We'll have breakfast the next time I'm in town, and I'll think about the rest. Sleep well, Olivia."
While talking Olivia had slipped out of her jacket, put her keys and badge on the small dresser next to the wardrobe and had opened the safe to put her gun in. Securing her weapon this way had become routine ever since they had moved into the brownstone a few months into Alex' pregnancy; they both wanted their child to be safe in her own home. After also putting her shoes away she went to the kitchen and found a rice salad in the fridge with instructions from her mother-in-law to eat all of it.
That brought the second genuine smile of this day on her face; Caroline just knew her too well. When Alex had still been alive, rice salad had been among their favourite dishes. Olivia had concentrated on the rice and the peppers while Alex had eaten the rest; and ever since…
She grabbed a glass of juice to go with the salad and walked over to the den to watch the news. Had her daughter been home she of course would have eaten at the kitchen table or in the dining room not to give her a bad example, but since no one could call her upon it, she didn't care.
-x-x-x-
Olivia was chewing her fifth fork-full of rice salad when the door chimed. She cursed and walked over to the door. The security monitor showed her a neatly shaved man in his mid-thirties, she presumed, wearing a neutral grey suit and holding a badge and an ID next to his face. Behind him, out of the scope of the porch light was the shadow of another tall figure whose features she was unable to discern. Olivia zoomed in on the badge and saw three letters she could have lived the rest of her life without ever seeing again.
Coming to a quick decision she took her gun out of the safe and opened the door with its barrel pointed towards her late visitor. Before he had a chance to introduce himself she said, "The FBI is not on my list of approved visitors. What do you want?"
"Mrs. Benson-Cabot, my name is Special Agent Charles Parks. I have good news for you."
"That's Sergeant Benson for you. The FBI is not known to be the bearer of good news. Make it quick!" Olivia said sharply, not ready to cut anyone associated with the organisation she held partly responsible for her wife's death even the slightest bit of slack.
"Cesar Velez is dead and his organisation has been destroyed," Agent Parks said with a certain amount of triumph in his voice. Then he saw the sidearm in her hand and added, "Please, put the gun down. I mean you no harm."
Olivia's hand didn't waver, "That's good to know, but there probably is already the next slime bag waiting in the aisles to take over for him. I don't want to sound ungrateful but what about his death is so important that you could not tell me using official channels?"
"The DA's office and the Police Department will be briefed Monday morning, Sergeant Benson. What I have to say is hard to tell standing out here in the open."
"Alright, you may come in, under the condition that you first introduce your colleague to me."
The FBI Agent grinned and stepped aside. The other person slowly began to move and from the first step on Olivia was certain that his colleague was a woman. Before she had reached the level covered by the overhead light on the porch Olivia's gut told her that there was something very familiar about the way the mysterious woman moved.
She stepped into the cone of light and Olivia looked at long blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes behind black rimmed glasses, and a shy, slightly insecure smile she would have recognised among millions.
"Alex," she whispered.
The weapon fell from her suddenly limp hands and clattered to the floor; luckily the safety had still been on.
"Liv," the apparition said.
Olivia tried to take a step forward but her knees gave way and she sank to the floor, out cold. Alex pushed the agent out of the way and was at her wife's side less than a heartbeat later. She pulled her in her arms and immediately noticed the hard muscles that had not been there the last time they had touched.
Agent Parks used the opportunity to pick Olivia's gun up and close the door behind him. His orders were to provide protection for Alexandra Cabot until the official announcement of Velez' death would take place on Monday; and had his superiors known that the first course of action of his charge after she had read Agent Hammond's letter had been to book two first class seats on the next flight out to New York City and that he had not been able to make her stay put, they would either have his shield or have an apoplexy or possibly both. Alex Cabot, he quickly had learned, was a force of nature when she wanted something. He also had seen no good reason to deny her, and after having been received at gun point by one of New York's Finest he also knew what she had fought all this time not to let go.
He helped Alex to carry Olivia to the couch and was quickly sent to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Alex knew of only two occasions her beloved wife had ever fainted, one had been when she had asked her to marry her and the other when they had learned that the fertilisation and insemination process had taken and Alex was officially pregnant with their daughter.
Alex studied her wife's face. There were more lines around her eyes, some deeper than others, and she somehow had a feeling that just like on her own face not all of those were laugh lines. Her hands, almost of their own accord, retraced the outline of Olivia's torso. She found even more muscles and itched to explore that glorious body unhindered by clothing, inch by inch. She longed to feel the soft skin under her fingertips, longed to drown in those brown orbs, longed to be held by those strong arms.
Parks cleared his throat to tell her that he was back. On his way from the kitchen he had studied the two women, the prone brunette and the blonde obviously entranced by the sight right in front of her. With a pang of regret he had realised that he probably would never find someone who would look at him the way Alex Cabot looked at her wife, and suddenly he had understood what had had Agent Jack Hammond so mesmerised that he had broken every single rule in the book just to be closer to her.
He also had known that now they first and foremost needed to be alone. So, he gave Alex his cell phone number and told her to call him should she need anything. She barely acknowledged his words with a nod and returned to her scrutiny of the other woman's face. He made sure that the door was secure and returned to the car they had rented at the Airport. It still held all the belongings Alex had wanted to bring back from witness protection in its trunk. He would keep an eye on the house from there, and thanked the weather god that it was still rather warm though it already was early December. A sleepless night alone in a car was not something he was looking forward to at the best of times, but a sleepless night alone in a car freezing his ass off would have been outright unbearable.
-x-x-x-
Olivia turned to the side and Alex studied her profile; that's when she saw the juice and the salad on the couch table. She frowned; TV dinners, especially with cold food, certainly were not the way she wanted her daughter to be raised. They had talked about that years earlier during her pregnancy, and they had both agreed. Out of reflex she put the lid back on the plastic container and saw a note taped on top.
"Liv, Janet and I made this especially for you, so don't even think of not eating it. We already have the menu for the weekend all planned out to make up for your sporadic eating habits during the week. Try to be on time for the trip to the Christmas tree farm tomorrow."
The note wasn't signed, but it didn't need to be. Alex easily recognised her mother's handwriting and she could almost hear her gently scolding voice. When she first had introduced Olivia to her family, Caroline Cabot had gone through a phase of shock and denial, but sometime during her second year of law school Olivia's persistence had won over her mother; well, that and her impeccable manners and her extensive knowledge of literature and art. Once her elitist mother had been over her prejudice concerning Olivia's blue collar familial background, she had easily accepted her into the Cabot clan. Alex was glad to learn that they had even got closer during her absence, her death.
What worried her was the content of the note, since Olivia as a rule only forgot to eat when she had to deal with a really demanding or gruesome case. She would have to ask her about it later, much later.
There were more important things to do for now, like getting reacquainted with her beloved's body; and she decided to start with Olivia's hands.
Alex studied Liv's hands one by one, starting with her right hand. Her skin still had its usual olive tone and she was wearing the bracelet Olivia had put on her arm the day of Janny's birth. At first she had been a bit surprised, but then she rationalised that the Feds or the hospital where Alex allegedly had died would have given it to Olivia as part of her personal effects. Tears welled up in Alex' eyes and she blinked them away as best as she could. She didn't want to cry, not yet.
She turned the hand around and was immediately fascinated by the network of lines in the palm of Olivia's hand. She gently retraced the main lines and found the palm harder than she remembered. At closer inspection she found that her wife had somehow acquired more calluses, probably from spending more time at the shooting range. To verify her theory she changed hands and pulled the left one over, and when she saw the two wedding bands on Liv's ring finger her query was forgotten and the tears she had been holding back burst free.
Olivia's eyes snapped open at the sound. She raised her head and smiled at the blonde, "Fancy meeting you here, Counsellor."
The simple words and the long missed nickname made Alex cry even more. Olivia sat up and pulled her in her arms, and for the first time in almost three and a half years her arms closed around something solid and she didn't wake up from another dream filled with futile hope. The body in her arms was solid and real, too real to be a dream, she hoped.
Olivia put enough distance between them to look at Alex' face; with slightly trembling lips she put a chaste kiss on Alex' lips – and still the apparition didn't disappear. Olivia licked at the tears running down Alex' cheeks, she tasted their salt. Only then did she look into Alex' deep blue eyes still framed by the black rimmed glasses.
"You're real, you're not a dream, you're alive!"
"Yes, my love, I'm alive. I was in witness protection. I…"
Alex wanted to say more but Olivia sealed her lips with her own, and this time their kiss didn't stay chaste for long.
"I don't care," Olivia finally said after they had had to break the kiss to breathe. "You're here and I'll never let you go again."
"I'm here to stay, my Liv."
Alex captured Olivia's lips which offered no resistance to her probing tongue while Olivia worked her hands under Alex' sweater, still not completely convinced that all of this was not an elaborate dream.
The tip of Alex' tongue touched the roof of Olivia's mouth, teasingly at first and then retraced its whole length starting from behind and ending up at her front teeth. Only Alex knew that this was a major ticklish spot and that it also drove her crazy with want.
Now, she was sure that it wasn't part of a dream. Olivia burst into tears. Alex pulled her arms around her beloved wife while her own tears kept falling and began to cover Olivia's face with gentle kisses.
Suddenly Olivia needed more contact than just her hands on Alex' back. She needed to feel all of her. With a burst of energy she tore her hands away from the smoothness of Alex' back and tried to pull the sweater over her head. Alex seemed driven by the same impulse when she began to tuck at Olivia's top. Without breaking eye contact for more than the few seconds it took to get the garments out of the way they came to their feet and got rid of their clothes; all they wanted was to feel each other.
Alex' longer legs gave her a slight advantage but before she knew how Olivia had lifted her off her feet and gently put her back on the couch. She had no chance and no intention to protest because her wife's strong body quickly settled on top of her and covered as much skin as possible. Alex felt her hard nipples poke against Olivia's and she sighed at the long missed feeling. Her hands roamed over Olivia's back and she pulled her closer. She longed to feel Olivia's full weight on top of her, longed for the feeling of security it had always given her from the first time on.
Olivia never stayed long in this position for fear of squishing her but somehow it made the years they had missed melt away and let Alex' need burn hotter.
"I need you, my Liv, go inside. I need you."
Olivia rolled them over and somehow managed not to make them fall off the couch. They kissed for what seemed like an eternity, and yet was not enough to quench their thirst for the other. Their bodies recognised each other, hands roamed over smooth skin. Olivia entered Alex with two fingers and circled her clitoris with her thumb. Alex smelled Olivia's arousal and entered her with three fingers. She fluttered them in an erratic rhythm that was rewarded by a deep guttural groan. Alex answered with a languid moan when Olivia began to pump her fingers in and out of Alex' centre.
Their eyes were locked onto each other. They didn't even blink, as if they still didn't believe that what they were doing was real. After what seemed like only seconds both were at the edge of an orgasm, and when their inner muscles clenched at the same time, it was as if they never had been apart and the tears still running down their faces made everything appear a bit surreal.
To Olivia, however, the wetness on Alex' slightly bronzed cheeks and the tears she still felt falling from her own eyes were the ultimate proof that this was not part of her fantasies. It was real and glorious and incredible. It was improbable but real.
Alex was back, Alex was alive, Alex was alive, Alex came home.
Alex began to withdraw her fingers. "No, don't. Leave them. I need to feel you inside of me."
Alex smiled at the familiar request; there had been many a night they had fallen asleep that way, firmly anchored in the other's centre. It always conveyed a sense of connection nothing else could ever give them. Alex retraced Olivia's jaw line with the fingertips of her free hand. She drank in the look of wonder on her face and soon was lost in those deep brown eyes.
"I love you, my Liv, my life."
The expression in Olivia's eyes was all the answer Alex needed. They kissed again, deeply and passionately. With a sudden burst of possessiveness Olivia rolled on her back and simultaneously pulled Alex right on top of her, completely forgetting that though the couch was deeper than the average, there was not that much space left. They landed with a thud and a groan on the hardwood floor; and both burst out laughing. Their hands had slipped out of their comfortable resting places and Olivia used the opportunity to close both arms around Alex and to hold her firmly in place on top of her when she tried to get up.
"I love you, Alexandra Cabot, more than life itself," Olivia said softly.
"And I love you, my Liv, but let's take this to the bedroom. I must be squishing you, and there's so much I have to relearn about you."
"Yes, there's much to rediscover, my love," Olivia answered but refused to let go of Alex.
She bent her head and began to kiss the scars marring the smooth skin of Alex' shoulder. She alternated between tiny kisses and gentle licks. One of her hands softly stroked the back of the shoulder and quickly found the rough patch where the assassin's bullet had ripped through Alex' flesh.
Olivia's touch was not only tender it bordered on reverent. Alex trembled under the caress and new tears spilled forth. The old wound still hurt from time to time, and in her eyes it was the constant reminder of everything she had lost.
"It's ugly," she whispered.
"No, Lexi, it's not ugly. It's beautiful. It's proof that you survived. It's proof that this is not a dream. It's proof that… It was so hard to live without you. I knew you were dead but my heart never believed that. I knew I would drown if I started to believe that. Janny was the only reason I didn't give up. And it must have been so much worse for you, all alone."
"I knew that you and Janny and my mother were all safe; that made it bearable. I promise I'll tell you all about witness protection, but not now. Now I need to feel, not to talk," Alex answered.
Olivia gave Alex' shoulder another kiss. They somehow managed to stand up without letting go of each other and walked upstairs to their bedroom, leaving their crumbled clothes on the floor.
-x-x-x-
To be continued in part II