A/N: I apologize in advance to all my constant readers for the fact that I haven't updated in 2 months and that when I do it's complete crack with an overly thought out uses of vocabulary words from my English assignments over the last couple of weeks. Anyways until I get something decent up enjoy this lovely crack that was requested by one of my bestfriends who's only in the SPN fandom by Tumblr association.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, not Supernatural, Not Castiel, Not Dean, Not even Oprah and her Jesus Missiles, nope I'm afraid those things belong to the CW and my crazy wonderful group of friends in first period U.S. History.
Chapter 1: Mama Oprah
Once upon a time in the year 1941, in the mystical land of 'Merica, there lived a kind, majestic, fabulous, and noble ruler. His name was Winston "Castiel" Churchill, the reigning president of all the 'Mericas and he was currently in the midst of a War with many other great – but far less fabulous – rulers. But there was one ruler who wished to rule them all and wrongly so. This ruler also happened to be the only ruler – live or dead – in all of history whose fabulousness could even begin to compete with Castiel's. This ruler was the most ruthless, maleficent, tumultuous, and merciless dictator in all the world lands. This ruler's name was Adolf "Dean" Hitler, and Castiel was truly, madly, deeply, imperceptibly in love with him. And now Castiel was faced with a choice, a choice he was trying his hardest not to be impetuous about: a) allow the man he loved to live and go on murdering people, killing things – his so called "family business" – or b) Nuke Dean along with the rest of his continent.
"Gabriel! What do I do!?" He pleaded.
Franklin "Gabriel" Roosevelt, Castiel's double-cousin, closest friend, and advisor, turned around his wheelie chair to face his friend, "Tell me what is troubling you my son."
"I fear that I have fallen and that I can't get up," Castiel sighed, "I fear that I am in love with someone who possesses power that is copiously higher than mine."
"Tom Cruise?" Gabriel asked with a gentle knowing smile.
"What?" Castiel jumped up, "No! Dean!"
Gabriel's eyes popped out of his skull, landing on Castiel's coffee table and he had to quickly pick them up and shove them back in before they left rings. "Inconceivable!" He shouted in response to his cousin's proclamation.
"I know!" Castiel whined pathetically. "Please, you're my advisor; what I should do?!"
Gabriel cleared his throat and gazed intently into Castiel's eyes, "Tell me what you feel Castiel. Tell me, deep down inside, what do you feel?"
"Ain't nobody got time for that!" He exclaimed, plopping down into his office chair. "And yet I must make time!" Castiel whirled his chair around to face the detonator. "Dean is bad and he should be stopped…"
"But?" Gabriel prompted, coming to kneel before his president.
"But he…he's just so pretty! And – and as I said I believe that I love him, and when I look at him…" Castiel groaned, throwing his head back in a hellacious mixture of anguish and ecstasy.
"And when you look at him," Gabriel stressed, reaching up to grab Castiel's silver-framed, picture of a topless Dean from his desk and shoving it towards his cousin, "You know what you see! So look at him Castiel."
Castiel looked – as he always had looked and forevermore always would look – and sighed pitifully, "Yes, I love him, he is the hole in my head, the space in my bed, as well as the silence in between…If I were a flower growing wild and free I would want him to be my sweet honey bee…I keep searching for answer, but I…I need him more than dope but…But he's not my brand!"
"Yes one would think that, but look closer, my liege," Gabriel insisted, climbing up so that he was practically in Castiel's lap. "Look! Look with your special eyes, double-cousin!"
Castiel looked, he looked harder than ever before until he saw nothing but beautiful pools of hazel-green and buttery-smooth sun-bronzed skin and moaned. Oh how right Gabriel was, he seen it now, Dean was his own personal brand and he wanted to shout it up to where the mountains met the heavens above and to where the lightning split the sea. And oh he did! "My brand!" With that he ripped the frame from Gabriel's hands and held it to his chest as if his life depended on it. "Oh, but it cannot be, our love is far too forbidden." He let out a cry of complete, utter, desolate despair and threw the picture across his office and into the fireplace where it exploded in flames. "¿Por qué cruel world?" Castiel cried, falling out of his chair and onto the floor. "¡¿Por qué?!"
Castiel remained prostrate on the ground for several torturously long moments before finally pulling himself to his hands and knees and slowly pulling himself towards where the nuclear detonator was located.
"NO!" Gabriel screamed, "You mustn't give in Castiel, not now! Just think; WWOD? What Would Oprah Do?"
"I just don't know," Castiel shook his head dismally and reached for the red button.
Then, just as his hand was descending upon the button like Dean upon a pie, a small book came flying out of nowhere and broke Castiel's pinkie like it hadn't been broken since the Nutella Incident. "What the…" He reached over picking up the book to see that it was a Bible. His brow furrowed as if he were constipated and he looked around to see a woman sitting on top of a chair where Gabriel's head had been only moments ago. Castiel's jaw dropped off of his face and landed on the lime-green shag carpet of his office floor. "Oprah?"
"The one and only my son," She stated with a nimble snap of her fingers.
"Why…Why did you throw a Bible at me?" He asked in hurt puzzlement, because really, how could she have done something like that to her biggest fan? And if that was the case how was he supposed to prove his loyalty when she already was thinking so little of him? Would his I "Heart" Oprah shirt be enough? And if not, what possibly could be?
"Bible? Watch chu talkin' 'bout Dumbledore?"
Castiel's brow furrowed again, "I don't understand that reference, and…" He gestured to the miniature Bible.
"Oh!" She exclaimed, "You mean my Jesus Missile!"
"Your Jesus Mis…" Castiel trailed off his head beginning to feel like it was getting the banging he wanted from Dean. "But why? And…and where do they come from?"
"Why and where do you think, jackass?"
Castiel tilted his head, looking from Oprah to the detonator and back again. "Internet?"
¡Whack! Another Jesus Missile came flying towards Castiel straight out of Oprah's fingertips and hit him in the face. "Yes the Internet, but the where is not of import right now! It's why! It's because you love that boy and together we can help him."
"How?" Castiel pleaded, slipping into a state of frenzied state hopelessly hopeful desperation. "Please tell me how, Mama Oprah! Tell me how!"
"Here's what we're going to do my son," She paused and leaned forwards in her chair to whisper into Castiel's ear, "Here's what we're going to do with the great and powerful rainbow powered Jesus Missile…"
To Be Continued…
A/N#2: This is my first crack!fic so please let me know what you think and the next(and most likely last) part should be up pretty quickly.