2013
It burns looking at him, burns looking in those eyes, those green eyes that burn you just by looking in to yours. You have never known eyes like it, eyes that know exactly what you are thinking, of what you are feeling, that toying of the lip into a smirk that you know for a fact you are matching despite you biting your lip, trying not to smirk again.
But now isn't the time for smirking, you are standing opposite each other in the middle of the street, rain threatening in the wind, the sky is angry and so are you, but now is not the time for smirking, shit has just got real, in a couple seconds your lives are going to implode…
1994
Castiel Novak is nine years old and has started middle school this week, he feels different already, he hasn't been babied, he hasn't been treated like a baby, and he goes to different classes at the sound of a tannoy, no more class in the same room. He loves it, he loves the fact there is so many different classes such as French and design and technology, not just the usual English and maths. There is so much knowledge and Castiel has a thirst for it all.
His brothers and sister may tease him but it's also a cool thing that he sees his sister Anna and brother Gabriel in the upper years and all the other kids in his class seem to think it's amazing he has older siblings in the school and even two brothers in high school.
What he is not getting used to is the fact he came from a very small school, merging with other schools in the area, he has already been split up from Balthazar his friend since Nursery. And Balthazar makes friends so much better than Castiel does.
He loves his new uniform, he feels like a big kid as he gets to wear a blazer over his bottle green jumper and grey trousers, he is still wearing them as he rides his bike around the neighbourhood, despite the warning from his mother not to get them marked. Balthazar can't come out tonight and Gabriel is out with his friends so Castiel meanders around the area, riding from his nice cull de sac to the neighbourhood where Inias lives, which is near the rougher areas of the small settlement where they live but Castiel doesn't care even if his parents would kill him if they knew he was this far out of his boundary.
Inias is not in either, so Castiel rides around in a circle wondering what to do now, when he hears a scuffing sound of a shoe on concrete; he turns to see a young boy kicking a football against the wall of some derelict garages. He recognises the boy from some of his classes at his new school, but can't remember his name, all he knows is he is from the bigger comprehensive first school that his parents didn't want Castiel attending.
He watches the boy quietly, watching him belt the ball against the wall, sending an echo around the area and the ball bounced over to Castiel, "Over here!" the boy shouted, nodding that he should kick it, Castiel got off his bike and chipped the football over to the boy, "Thanks!"
"No problem," Castiel replied, he pushed his bike closer, placing it beside a wall, "You're in my class,"
"I know," the boy replied, "you got a good chip, you play football?"
Castiel loves playing football, but doesn't want to boast, "Don't mind it,"
"Who's your team, please don't say Manchester United?" the boy said not watching Castiel, continuing the beat the wall into submission with the sheer force of kicking a ball at it.
"No Newcastle United," Castiel replied, wincing because the rest of his family were Sunderland, the rival team to Newcastle apart from Gabriel who liked Queens Park Rangers, but that was Gabriel….he was…well he was Gabriel.
"Me too," he breathed, chasing after the ball as it bounced over back towards Castiel. Castiel watched the skinny boy run to him, wearing well-worn jogging bottoms and a Super Mario t-shirt which looks far too big for him. Castiel noticed he had light blonde hair that had been shaved short for his new week at school, but Castiel is quite amazed by how green his eyes are, they almost shine. He doesn't realise how much attention he is giving the lad until he realises he asked him a question, "Huh?"
"I'm Dean Winchester; you want to play for a bit?" Dean replied, looking at him as he was a bit strange.
"I'm Castiel, Castiel Novak, yeah sure," Castiel replied, leaving his bike, walking back towards the garages. The pair played for hours, kicking the football against the wall, talking about their favourite footballers (Andy Cole, Ian Rush and Alan Shearer) and their families (Dean also had a little brother called Sammy but only a Dad after his mam died). They laughed and tackled each other over the ragged football, argued over which better sega or Nintendo and agreed that Empire Strikes back was the best Star Wars film.
It was starting to get dark when Castiel waved to Dean and rode back, completely happy in the fact he had made a friend, he hadn't really realised the time or the fact he had ripped his new trousers. His mother had though.
He argued that he couldn't be grounded as he was meeting Dean the next day to play more football.
He was given extra chores instead.
1998
Castiel is thirteen years old and is starting to get really annoyed with the fact the same spot keeps coming back on his chin. He tries not to squeeze it but it gets so sore, he has to and when he thinks it's all great and will never return and the next week it's back. Castiel furiously scrubs his face with Clearisil, for a full five minutes before even thinking of leaving the bathroom.
He hears his doorbell ring and the voices of his friends outside when he is running down the stairs, grabbing his tracksuit top as his Dad is opening the door revealing a group of rowdy teenagers, he shoots an apologetic smile and ignores the "9pm" his father gruffly says before turning on his foot and going back into the sitting room.
Dean is grinning at the grumbling from Castiel's father, as Castiel's father hates Dean, well doesn't hate Dean, just doesn't like his influence of Castiel. Homework that would have been finished gets done only when it's desperately needed. Castiel's wardrobe is a like that of any other thirteen year old boy, full of tracksuits of various designer brands, adidas, nike, reebok, le coq sportif, you name it and Castiel has got it. He listens to dance music, loves diet coke and Sunny D, and he loves football and watches porn when his family think he doesn't. He loves South Park and has a Kenny keying which gets kicked around everywhere. But Castiel's father believes that this is Dean's influence rather than the fact that Castiel actually likes these things because Dean introduced him to them, Castiel's mother says it's a phase and that Chuck is just being over protective of their youngest child.
Because Dean is a really good friend. He has helped Castiel through some tough times, Castiel was geeky and awkward and Dean saw something in him, (probably the football) helped him from being a geek and introduced him into his group of friends and now is part of a gang. He belongs. And for an awkward teenager going through puberty is very important.
Castiel is now friends with Dean, Gordon, Ash, Garth, Benny, Jo, Ellen and Bela.
"Come on Cas!" Dean yelled grabbing Castiel's head and wrestling it under his shoulder, ruffling his dark fluffy hair that because of puberty was never really doing anything good. The lads in the group loved WWF and the Undertaker was god and to be honest all the boys spent a lot of their days play fighting and genuinely trying to hurt each other in the most hilarious ways.
It was only a couple weeks till Summer Break and after that High School beckoned them, Castiel wasn't worried about it much, not when the summer is ahead of them. He now thinks it will be just more of the same, boring lessons and pranking the guys.
They spend most of their time playing football on an untended green near their middle school, drinking diet coke and sunny d, the girls singing Barbie girl repeatedly, dancing or sometimes joining into playing football.
But there is a subtle change in the warm early summer sunshine, the girls fill their vest tops a lot more than they did last summer, they are now wearing bras and you can see the straps under the vest tops. The boys are awkward, last summer they would be rolling on the grass with them but this summer, this summer they don't want to in case one of them is on their period or something and that sounds gross (a rather too detailed lesson at school left most of them traumatised).
But while Cas (it was Dean who christened him that the second day they met and it's stuck) feels his throat get dry as his eyes stare at the small breasts in those vest tops and the womanly curves that Ellen, Jo and Bela are developing he is also fighting a very big problem deep down.
His massive crush on Dean Winchester.
More like obsession with Dean Winchester.
He won't admit that he hangs around waiting for him at school, or the shops or even around the block for the hope that he will see him. That he kept the Christmas card he got off him last year, the birthday card as well, that he has doodles the pair of them did in one chemistry class. He feels like a total idiot for keeping these things in a sacred little box under his bed, hidden from everyone.
He could never admit that he was in love with one of his closest friends. But they had talked about everything; Dean had only been the one to talk about his mother's death with Castiel, nobody else really. And Dean knew about Anna not being well and that she was going in for more surgery, that Castiel was pretty much abandoned by his parents when Anna became ill when he was 10. Not that he blamed his parents but Dean got it, Dean got that he needed attention, so he hung out with him, he sat beside him in classes, he made Castiel smile, to take everything off his mind that was going on at home with Anna and hospitals by just making Castiel smile.
What didn't help was Dean Winchester was one of the best looking guys in the school, he wore the best trainers, the best tracksuits, his green eyes still sparkled and he was skinny but lean, he had a little bit of muscle, he had floppy curtains like Leonardo DiCaprio and had this smirk that melted the hearts of girls. Castiel had almost died of jealousy when Dean had dated one of the exchange student girls earlier this term.
But sometimes there are moments, moments that Castiel and Dean are not sure what they are or are afraid to admit them, they flirt, they nudge each other in classes, they throw barbed comments at each other, they find themselves staring at each other, for much longer than is appropriate. Dean stares and then smirks as if they are both sharing a secret and Castiel will try not to smirk back by biting his lip and then starts to laugh, shaking his head.
The play fights where Dean pins Castiel to the ground and lingers over Castiel just that little bit too long, the fact that Dean caught Castiel staring at his lips and didn't freak out much instead just shrugged it off, going the tackle one of the lads in the group to the ground. Fighting over the football that is just them both grabbing the ball and staring each other down.
It's a dance, they know they fancy each other but both are just far too scared to do anything about it and what? What are they supposed to do? They are thirteen year old boys.
2001
Castiel is sixteen years old and hates high school. When he dies and goes to Hell is quite sure that this is what will be awaiting him. Every day is torture as he walks through the corridors, his limp bizkit blasting in his ears making him feel numb, because if he feels numb he won't feel the pain inside.
Castiel doesn't really hang out with Dean Winchester any more, they are more like acquaintances that tease other in the odd class that they have or when they see each other around in the crowds waiting to get the bus or just out and about in time.
It had changed when they got to high school, the influx of more kids from different middle schools and fewer classes together meant that Cas and Dean made new friends. Which is normal as they should, then Castiel's parents started to get stricter about his grades so he didn't have as much time to hang out after school. Then Anna got really sick and everything in Castiel's mood just got darker and he lashed out at simple teasing that would not have hurt a few years back, now hurt and then he was labelled a freak. Children are the cruellest people Castiel has ever known and his so called friends were the cruellest.
Then Dean Winchester went and got a snobby girlfriend who sneered at all his friends, Castiel especially and that was it, he wasn't sure whether he wanted to hang out with Dean anymore, so the tracksuits were dumped for jeans and hoodies and loud angry music, ear piercings and purple tips on the edges of his hair that he dyed black.
Because Castiel was still in love with Dean Winchester but it was never going to happen so all Castiel had to do was get through the last few exams and then he would be free of this god forsaken school and pretty much everyone in it.
Castiel does have friends, but they are far and few between, it didn't help Castiel got suspended at the beginning of the year for sticking up to the bully who had been making his life hell. The bully who was twice the size of him and who proceeded to knock him out (Castiel's new nickname at school was KO- he despised it). But he did have friends in the music department and those who were like him in music and fashion tastes. It was these friends that were swapping the blue shirts of their uniforms and getting people to sign them.
Castiel was grinning as he signed Becky's shirt with some Linkin Park lyrics, when he felt someone hovering beside him, he turned to find Dean there, "Uh hi," Dean said shuffling
"Hi Dean," Cas said gruffly, "Can I help?"
Dean held up a shirt and Castiel smiled softly, taking the shirt "So what's your plan now?" Dean asked as Castiel signed a simple good luck and his name.
"Going to college in September, going to go see my grandparents down country and going to Spain with my aunt and cousin, what about you?" Castiel replied handing back Dean's shirt and his own.
Dean smiled at the gesture, signing his name, "I'm going to get a part time job till I can join up as soon as can, going to be in the army like my dad."
Castiel smiled at that, "Well good luck,"
"Yeah you too."
2003
Castiel is nineteen years old and sipping happily in his local bar with his best friend Balthazar, turned out that they always remained in touch and during college had been a constant. It was a Friday night and since Castiel got a job at eighteen, Friday night was going out and drinking your money away night. Nothing better than getting pissed, dancing till you felt dizzy and wandering home before falling asleep on the couch. The next morning was never any fun but on a Friday night you never thought of the morning after.
They had been out and the music was now blasting loud, the DJ blasting some shit dance music that was in the charts so Castiel signalled that he wasn't quite drunk enough yet to dance to it and made the motion to play some pool so they headed over to tables to find they were already being used by Ash and Garth, he nodded to them then noticed a familiar face with them.
Dean Winchester was on leave then.
He was a typical soldier with the short cut, nice and tanned from training somewhere hot but the green eyes were still sparkling as they spotted him before a massive smile erupted on his face. Castiel smiled back politely but he didn't expect Dean to march over to him to say hello. He didn't expect that and he felt his heart throb in his chest.
Yeah he had a few relationships in the past three years but nothing was like the non-relationship that he had had with Dean. If that was what he could call it?
He felt his cheeks burn as Dean shook his hand, "Cas! Hey how have you been?"
"Good good, you know pretty much, working," he nodded, holding up his beer, "drinking you know, getting by, you on leave?"
Dean nodded, "Yeah got a couple weeks leave, let me buy you a drink, were you wanting the table if so come join us, we want a couple more players."
Castiel tried to argue but Dean wasn't having any of it, so a rather bemused Balthazar and Castiel joined their party and actually got on as if high school wasn't two years ago but more like twenty. Castiel and Dean talked about everything the fact that Dean had just got back from Iraq and Castiel couldn't help but admire the fire in Dean's eyes when he spoke about his work, Castiel was not sure he could be that brave.
But Castiel also noticed as the more alcohol they drank, the more they touched each other, the soft brush of fingers that lingered when they passed each other a drink or a pool cue. The way they were back to staring at each other, with Dean smirking just as he had always done and Castiel trying not to smirk back.
Dean and Castiel found themselves walking back drunk after chucking out time, the night was cold and the air had made them giggly and honest as they walked back, "Been a great night," Castiel commented laughing.
"Yeah it has," Dean stared at Castiel and the pair stopped walking to stare at each other.
"Why did we lose touch?" Castiel asked bravely.
"I dunno, people grow up I think….but I always regretted it…not doing something.." Dean mumbled swaying slightly, Castiel put a hand on his shoulder to stop him swaying before he fell down drunk, there was no way Castiel would be able to carry a soldier all the way home.
"Not doing what?" Castiel asked nervously as he felt Dean's warm seep through his clothes and into Castiel's palm.
"Something," Dean said softly staring into Castiel's eyes, they weren't sparkling but they were fully dilated and Castiel wasn't sure whether it was just from the drink now.
Dean moved closer and Cas felt his breath hitch because right now his heart was trying to make an attempt to escape from his chest. Feeling dizzy he closed his eyes and then he felt hands cupping his cheeks as lips pressed against his. Instantly he melted into his kiss, throwing his hands on Dean's waist looping his fingers through the belt hoops of his jeans. He let Dean kiss open his mouth, he tasted of beer, a hint of tobacco and mint and he kissed like a professional, making Cas feel like his blood had turned to honey.
They kissed like what felt an age, Cas had been kissed before but never like this, it was perfect as their tongues danced in their mouth, and it was soft and yet so passionate, he felt like he was burning up from the inside as Dean pressed up against him rubbing their crotches against each other and Cas felt himself gasp. There was no denying now that they wanted each other but sprung apart as Deans phone rang, he answered it and Cas tried not to listen in but presumed it was Sam, "I'll be back soon," Dean promised ringing off, and he turned to Cas and smirked. Cas grabbed Dean and the pair kissed again, Cas could get addicted to this, he could get addicted and he would not care if he got burned.
"Give me your number," Dean breathed on his lips and the pair swapped numbers before the pair split up making their way home.
Castiel felt on a high he had never felt before as he went to sleep that night, kept replaying the moment they kissed over and over again.
Reality set in the next morning. Mildly hung-over he rang Balthazar and told him what happened, Balthazar knew the whole history of Castiel's obsession with Dean, he didn't really like Dean but couldn't believe that something had happened. But Balthazar advised caution, Dean was a soldier on leave and had a reputation of loving and leaving them and also for not being gay.
Loving and leaving them. Those words haunted Cas as he looked at his phone with all the messages that he and Dean had sent to each other, flirty messages but Dean now wanted to see Cas, he wanted him to come over because it was there in black in white, I want you.
Dean wanted to have sex with Castiel. And Castiel paced the room, he knew that Dean would be going back on tour shortly but Castiel wasn't sure whether Dean actually wanted Cas or just wanted sex with Cas. It was just too confusing, he didn't want to be used. Cas was a late bloomer, he was still a virgin and if he slept with Dean and it was just another notch on Dean's bedpost, what would that mean? Because deep down Cas knew that's all he would be, Dean would never come out, Dean would never come out and feel the same way as Castiel. Because life wasn't that fair.
Castiel text Dean back saying he was too busy to meet up as he had family stuff to do.
Dean went back to Iraq a week later.
2006
Castiel is twenty two years old and is working in a local hospital's HR department, he isn't a manager or an officer, he is purely admin but at least he has the qualifications, all he has to do is get the experience. He likes his job, even if its repetitive, he has just bought his first brand new car and loves driving around blasting music and now his goal is to save for his first home.
He works with loads of women who send him looks but always at the back of his mind is that night from a few years ago, that night he kissed Dean Winchester. It turned out he made the right decision, he heard about Dean in the last few years of being a party animal, drinking, drugs but a damn good soldier, Cas would have just been an experience for Dean, not anything else.
But still Cas thinks what if?
Cas meets his sister Anna who works as a secretary for lunch and she is holding the local paper and looks nervous, "What is it?"
"There has been a crash, near home," Anna says handing the paper to Cas and he looks, it's on a local road where they live which is notorious for accidents, there is a picture of a very damaged car in a tree and Cas shakes his head, because he can tell it's a young person that has been driving the car, probably drunk or probably just too fast. Young people in cars will never learn, he rolls his eyes over the article, it doesn't say who was driving except it was 22 year old male soldier.
Cas heart freezes and he looks to Anna, "its Dean," she confirms, I saw Ash visiting him on Ward 24 earlier today. Cas looks back to the article and sees that it describes the victim being seriously injured, Dean is seriously injured.
He shouldn't feel like this, he shouldn't feel worried, he shouldn't feel the tears that threaten his eyes. Because he isn't part of Dean's life, he was just a childhood friend, he hasn't spoken to him since that night, and he hasn't had any text messages since that point.
He goes back to work in a daze but he can't stop thinking about him, he has regrets about the last time he saw Dean, he wishes he had slept with him, even if it was a one night thing, if he slept with him he would be able to start moving on. Or would he? But now he is lying in a hospital bed, seriously injured and who knows what will happen and if the worst happened would there be even more regret.
Cas finishes work early and dawdles up to Ward 24, he sees that it's visiting time, he finds out which bed Dean is in and walks to it, he pales when he sees Dean lying in the bed sleeping. His face has been seriously injured and his shoulder and chest are covered in bandages, his arm and left leg are clearly broken. His face is brushed and there are lacerations above his eyebrow and looks like his cheekbone has been completely smashed.
But he doesn't approach further, because sitting by his bed is a young woman who is holding his hand. Cas smiles, at least Dean has someone with him and while his injuries are pretty bad, Cas can tell they are not life threatening.
Dean still has a life and Cas has his, all they have to do is live them.
2009
Castiel is twenty four years old. He is still in the same job and it's starting to grate a bit, as he still has not progressed as far as he wanted to. He has grown up in the job and is starting to feel like he has outgrown it. But every job he gets interviewed for he doesn't get because he hasn't got enough experience but how exactly he is meant to get the experience if they won't give him a chance he doesn't know so instead he gets moody and depressed.
Cas has met a girl he thinks he likes a lot on the commute that he does from the hospital to home, she is pretty with blonde hair and blue eyes that are filled with affection. She is intelligent, funny and would be perfect for her, if he had the balls to ask her out. Instead all they do is flirt on the train journeys and that's about it.
Because back of his mind is always Dean, wondering what he is doing. He hears of him once in a while, how he has been in Afghanistan and Iraq and Cas has to still the worry in his heart and beat himself up saying he has not got a right to worry about Dean as he is not in Dean's life.
He is out clubbing with Balthazar tonight, getting drunk on Jagerbombs when he sees Dean in the crowd and he swears he feels his heart stop, all thoughts of Meg, the girl from the train have disappeared as over the blasting music of Infinity is blasting through the club and Castiel does not remember actually walking to Dean but here is he standing in front of him. Dean has built up a lot of muscle, he is wearing a tight t-shirt, his hair is styled perfectly, his jeans fashionably washed and he wears a bit of stubble on his chin. His eyes never change, the sparkling green that never lose that air of mischief.
Cas can feel himself blushing standing as he gazes over Dean and realises that Dean is doing the same thing back to him, Cas has grown into his body, he now feels comfortable with his blue eyes and lean running frame, it has taken a while but he feels confident in his body. He knows he can attract men and females and isn't the same naive 19 year old boy he was. But as always Dean smirks and Castiel feels the usual tug of his own lips that is firmly stopped by him nipping them.
Neither of them mention that night that they kissed but instead catch up on what they have been doing in the past few years, Castiel teases Dean and asks if he has learnt to drive properly yet. They talk about jobs and Cas learns that Dean is coming out of the army once his seven years are up, they talk for hours by the bar, gentle brushes of fingers on fingers and hands on shoulders the only signs of any familiarity but everything is there in Dean's green eyes, sparkling, full of emotion and burning just for Castiel.
Cas then has to leave with Balthazar but leaves with Dean's current email address and phone number burning in his pocket.
Over the next few days flirty text messages are sent between each other, photos, Dean begging Cas to come visit him at his barracks that only doesn't happen when Cas is urgently called in for work, every time they arrange something it falls through.
The texts start getting suggestive and Cas starts to feel torn between Dean and Meg on the train who is confused to why Cas is now suddenly blushing when he gets a text message on their commute home. Because Dean has admitted jerking off while thinking about Cas, because they are sending each other dirty messages, dirty pictures, Cas jerks off thinking of Dean and it is somehow hotter because they are so far away from each other and yet are so wanting each other so much.
But it changes because Dean goes on training and Cas expects the texts to stop, but expects them to start when Dean is back in the country. Except they don't. Castiel tries not to feel hurt but he is but man's up, realises that it is just the same as it was when he was 19 years old, that Dean just wanted Cas, not wanted to be with Cas.
A few months down the line Cas opens the local paper to find a picture of Dean and his new wife on his wedding day. He has to try and fight back the tears that want to spill down his cheeks because he is with his family when he reads it.
2011
Castiel is twenty six years old. He has a new job that suits his skills and experience but it means he has to do lots of lovely long reports that take hours. It's 9pm and he can't do any more work or he might actually just start crying because he is sick of this damn report and he is sick of the fact he is in his childhood bedroom doing it. That's because he and Meg split up and she had her own apartment, not Castiel's so he had to move back with the parents. He is twenty six and is living with his parents; if you looked up pathetic in the dictionary you would find a picture of him.
It isn't that he is gutted over splitting up with Meg, he isn't, he is upset who wouldn't be, but he is missing his independence, he is missing having fun. He can't afford to go out with his friends because is he is saving up for his own place because he misses his independence, he is nearly there but it's then getting a mortgage and so and so on.
He saves his document then notices someone is trying to message him on MSN, he flicks open the window bemused since he is far more a Skype person now and hardly ever uses MSN, the computer must have signed him by accident, he is about to close the programme when he notices who is trying to contact him.
Dean Winchester
He feels his heart in his mouth as he opens the window.
Hello
Hey how are you
Ok yourself?
Not bad,
They get talking about the football, how badly Newcastle United are doing, how good other teams are doing and what they are doing in the relative careers, Dean has got a job in haulage company that pays a lot of money and he has moved nearby where Castiel's parents live. That surprises Castiel as he has never seen Dean about but Castiel does keep himself to himself and works in the city five days out of seven so really not that surprising.
But then Dean has to ask he has to ask whether Castiel misses those text messages they sent each other two years before and Castiel finds himself biting his lip as he admits he does, he misses everything about Dean Winchester, he misses that body, he misses those eyes and those smirk. He misses fantasying going to bed with him but reality wakes him up as Dean says he still wants Cas, that he wants him badly.
But you're married
I know, but still want you…
Castiel stops it before it can go any further, closes the conversation down. Because he cannot cope with that, he won't do it, Dean Winchester might want Castiel Novak but not in the way Castiel Novak wants Dean Winchester, because Dean Winchester is married, he has a wife and she is the only person who can have Dean Winchester's love.
2013
Castiel is twenty eight years old. He has progressed in his job and managed to save up enough that he is now the proud owner of a two bedroom flat. He loves his flat and his independence; he lies in bed at weekends if he wants to. He goes shopping when he wants to, he drinks beer and dances in his boxers if he wants to because it is his flat. His workmates ask if he is lonely and being honest he isn't, except when he goes to bed and finds he has nobody to snuggle up with.
He is trying to eat his way through the remainder of the Christmas chocolate when his phone starts ringing, he doesn't recognise the number so he answers it, instantly recognising the voice that says "Hey Cas, so you never changed your number..."
Cas feels like he has jumped in to a frozen lake because right now, he cannot believe Dean Winchester is on the phone to him, he should say hello back but it feels like that frozen lake has disconnected the path between his mouth and his brain. Finally he manages to say Hi back and it's almost that Castiel can sense that smirk on the other end of the line, that smirk in his full lips and before you know it they have been talking four over an hour and have agreed to meet for a coffee the next day.
Castiel isn't not really sure what he is doing waiting in a coffee shop, he knows Dean is still married, but what's wrong with catching up with a childhood friend over a coffee. Except this childhood friend he has kissed and loved on and off for nearly twenty years. Perhaps he won't turn up and Castiel will be able to get on with his life, perhaps he will turn up and they will have this awkward coffee and then Castiel can try and get on with his life.
"Lost in thought," Dean said as he sat down opposite Cas.
"Yeah just remembering when we met," Castiel said smiling at Dean who no longer looks like a young lad, he has wrinkle lines at his eyes, which are tired from working. He is still strong and muscular and wears a beany hat to cover his longish hair and his chin is sprouting fluff. Castiel cannot keep from looking at the wedding ring that is on his left hand but looks away before Dean can see him staring at it.
The pair talk politely enough, talk about their current jobs and families, they talk about childhood memories and that summer before high school before everything changed. They talk about football, the Olympics and everything but that massive elephant in the room.
That is Dean and Castiel and their feelings.
Until Dean blurts out, "Why did you never tell me?"
"What?" Castiel asks mildly, sipping his third coffee.
"That you fancied me at thirteen?" Dean fingered his coffee cup thoughtfully.
Castiel choked on his coffee, "I dunno, because were thirteen year old boys, who knew what we were feeling, it was a strange time, I dunno…I thought you would laugh at me…"
"I would never have laughed at you over that," Dean replied firmly.
"Oh really, why?" Castiel said then thought better, "Seriously it doesn't matter, it all worked out for the best, because it took me a few years after that for me to figure out that I was bisexual, getting involved that young would have been too much too young. But it would have freaked everyone had I said something."
"Well you should have," Dean said firmly, "Because I fancied you. Always have."
"What.." Castiel swears his heart has just stopped at what Dean has just said to him and he feels the soft hippy music of the café blur away and he feels sick, because fifteen years later Dean finally decides to admit what Castiel has only ever possibly suspected and it is so much worse than he thought because Castiel is not over Dean Winchester. But Dean Winchester is married and what does that say about Castiel, he has to get out of here right now and he doesn't realise he has grabbed his coat and is running from the coffee shop, Dean yelling after him.
Everything is then on autopilot as he drives back to his apartment, Dean Winchester just admitted he had always fancied Castiel. But there is a lot between fancying and loving, but Dean Winchester is emotionally repressed and married. And Castiel feels like twenty years of pining is enough because it hurts, it hurts to love Dean Winchester.
But there is a car behind him flashing his lights and is blaring his horn. On a country road that Castiel knows he should be the only one, he knows that it's Dean. He pulls over and barely gets out of the car before Dean is on him, pinning him to the car and kissing the life out of him.
Castiel tries to shrug him off but instead melts into the kiss, throwing his arms around Dean and clinging to his shoulders as he melts into his kiss. And it's exactly the same as it was years ago except they are fighting, fighting with their tongues and pushing against each other with bodies, hard enough to bruise.
They break off for air and Castiel looks into those green eyes as Dean breathes on his lips, "Stop running away from me Cas, you have been afraid for years, stop running,"
They melt together again, Cas letting his hands travel down Dean's back to his grabs his waist and grinds his own into Dean's already hard erection, he wants to loose himself in Dean, and he wants him so badly. He wants this because he knows now that Dean wants him with the same ferocity in the way that he is kissing him, he wants to lose control because holding back has got Castiel nowhere in twenty years.
Momentarily he wants to lose himself.
Because then he remembers why he was running away, because he might want to lose himself but Dean belongs to someone else, not him, he has never belonged to Castiel. Dean has always chosen someone or something else. And Dean is married, Castiel manages to push Dean off, "No…you are married, this can never happen, this can never happen ever…"
"Why not..." Dean hoarse, his lips red from kissing
"Because it is not even, it never has been even. It's not just a passing fancy, it's not just lust for me, and it never has been! You have haunted me for twenty god damn years! But it's not even because I cannot do it, I won't be the half that feels more because when you leave, that's the half that will get hurt." Castiel manages to get out before getting into his car, leaving behind a very shocked looking Dean Winchester.
Castiel has tried not to think about Dean Winchester over the last few days, he has ignored the phone calls and text messages, he won't torture himself with what the messages say and deletes them because hell is going back to the thirteen year old boy who would read into everything that Dean said or did.
Castiel isn't especially thinking of Dean Winchester when he goes out to put his rubbish in his bin, he is thinking of how dark the sky looks, the wind is going to blow in some rain he reckons as he throws the bin liner in the wheelie bin.
"Hey Cas," Castiel whips around to see Dean leaning against a car on the opposite side of the road, Castiel swallows, he looks like he has been waiting a while, "How did you find out where I lived?" Castiel asks "Stalker much."
"You are in the phone book, Cas," Dean Replies looking at his boots, there is no smirk this time, he looks cold and tired, his eyes look sad.
"How long have you been out here?" Castiel asks
"A few hours, I was frightened to ring your doorbell." Dean replies looking up.
"Why?" Cas shakes his head, wrapping his arms around him and wishing he had put a coat on to bring the rubbish out, but who knew he would bump into Dean Winchester.
"Scared….I suppose." Dean said shuffling, "Guess that's the problem with the both of us, scared of being in love with each other." Dean looks to Castiel then, looks directly at him and Castiel has to take a breath.
It burns looking at him, burns looking in those eyes, those green eyes that burn you just by looking in to yours. You have never known eyes like it, eyes that know exactly what you are thinking, of what you are feeling, that toying of the lip into a smirk that you know for a fact you are matching despite you biting your lip trying not to smirk again.
But now isn't the time for smirking, you are standing opposite each other in the middle of the street, rain threatening in the wind, the sky is angry and so are you, but now is not the time for smirking, shit has just got real, in a couple seconds your lives are going to implode….
….or might just finally start.
Breathe your smoke into my lungs
In the back of a car with you I stare into the sun
Still not too old to die young
But lovers hold on to everything
And lovers hold on to anything
I chase your love around a figure 8
I need you more than I can take
You promised forever and a day
And then you take it all away(Then you take it all away)
Place a kiss upon my cheekbone
Then you vanish me,
I'm buried in the snow
But something tells me I'm not alone
But lovers hold on to everything
And lovers hold on to anything
I chase your love around a figure 8
I need you more than I can take
You promised forever and a day
And then you take it all away(Then you take it all away)
So lovers hold on to everything
And lovers hold on to anything
So lovers hold on to everything
And lovers hold on to anything
I chase your love around a figure 8
I need you more than I can take
You promised forever and a day
And then you take it all away
I chase your love around a figure 8
I need you more than I can take
You promised forever and a day
And then you take it all away(Then you take it all away)