Chapter 1: Limbic

Irregular heartbeat. Heart palpitations. Arrhythmia. I search and search, eyes scanning everything I can find.

I've felt this feeling before. I've been in this location too many times. Not too many to count, but far more than I deserve. A feeling swells in my brain. Dread of indescribable proportions grips my very soul.

What is this? Shortness of breath? Chest pain? Dizziness?

I stumble through the darkness. My eyes adjust. They tell me everything I already know. I'm in the upstairs hallway of my best friend's house. Legs made of jelly cause me to lean against the near wall for support. My arms remain at my sides, lacking the necessary energy to aid me.

No. This is all wrong.

I slide down to the floor, seated in a heap. Something is different this time. A haze fills my brain. My vision blurs. Earth is my home in this universe, but the way my spirit quivers, I feel as far away as the Oort cloud. Suddenly, I feel something I never have. I realize that this is not the location I've been to so many times. This both relieves me and gives me a sense of otherworldly fear.

What happens now? I know how this usually ends. There are only two options, and I am not in control of the outcome. Normally, all I can do is pray to whatever local God is listening that they will have mercy on me. There is no telling how many more times I can deal with the worse outcome. Sanity slips fractions of inches away from my mind every time I behold that which I do not wish to see. Even one full inch away is too far to lead a normal life on a day-to-day basis.

Danger.

There is a blank wall where the stairs should be. The end of the hall seems to have disintegrated. I am floating in the void of space. This self-contained prison is where I meet my fate whenever I find myself in this situation. I didn't come here of my own will, and I am not allowed to leave. The only thing to beget my freedom is to open the lone door in this hallway.

Just do it.

I turn over onto my knees. Clammy hands against the wall help me struggle to my feet. I'm standing, but I'm not happy. My head droops and bangs into the wall as though seeking refuge in unconsciousness. It wouldn't save me from what I must do, but it is nice to think it would.

Get it over with.

My head turns slower than an egg timer counts down. Steady is my breath, surprisingly. On the other hand, I'm trembling. The scent of stardust fills my nostrils, and I don't know how I know what that is. Sweat trickles down the side of my face, and I feel every single bit of it. It's too much. There is hardly anything here, hardly anything happening, but I can't help feeling overstimulated.

You need to act, or this will never end.

Before my gaze fixates on the door, it passes over the gap exposing the universe. It feels more like the gap between dimensions. Everything is so foreign. I don't feel like I'm actually here. On some level, I don't feel anything. On another, I feel everything simultaneously. I can't stand it. It feels as though I am constantly dying and being reborn. You can't imagine what this experience is like. It's hell. Utter hell.

Take that first step.

I take that first step. More accurately, I shuffle. My feet never leave the floor, yet I move forward. My destination awaits this frail yet unyielding body I inhabit. I must get there. I must put an end to this. No one wants to prolong their suffering if they can help it. I've put action off for too long now, just as I always do. Anxiety penetrates me, and it only grows the closer I get.

Good.

What will it be this time? There isn't rhyme or reason as to what awaits me. Maybe this time a third option will present itself, a third option I still cannot influence. After all, this isn't exactly how this place normally is. I still cannot grasp what happened to make this session so... unfamiliar. The only thing I know for real is that the winds of change made their presence known as soon as I got here.

Grab the doorknob.

I move my arm. My hands have stopped trembling. I feel like my insides have been set ablaze. My breathing couldn't be less human. The urge to turn away is overwhelming. However, I muster the strength to carry on. I'm so close now. My fingers wrap around the doorknob. With the turn of my wrist, the mechanism gives way. I close my eyes, bracing for the worst.

I gently open the door.

I take the most meaningful step in my life for what is not the first time. I come to a halt. Tears have already started to well up in my eyes. Somehow my breathing falters even more. My chest could explode at any moment. I almost wish it would.

I open my eyes.

She is hanging again.

Paralysis overwhelms me. The step I just took should be the last thing I experience in this godforsaken land. Everything will fade away briefly, but not before it feels like an eternity. I can't take my eyes off of her. She looks decayed. Does she decompose between my coerced visits? I can't take my eyes off of her. She isn't moving. Why would she? To someone in her position, time may as well have been frozen. She will never move again. I can't take my eyes off of her.

Nothing is fading.

I've suffered long enough. I can't even swallow. Saliva overflows in my mouth and dribbles down my chin. My face has become drenched in various forms of wetness. Hair sticks to my forehead.

I shouldn't be here.

An index finger twitches. It took all of my energy, but the action was successful. Free will is being restored to my body. Usually by now, I'm no longer present. I would stare her down, moving as much as she does. This does not happen. Instead, I am moving. I wish she would. It may be horrifying given what she did, but I would give anything to see a sign of life in those eyes. Sky blue has become a dull mockery of its former self. Making eye contact with a dead person will curse you with the same thousand-yard stare they possess. It's haunting.

I don't know if I'm in control anymore.

As if possessed, I lurch forward. My movements must seem uncanny even to the most dim-witted of individuals. I come to a sudden halt and sob hysterically into her body. The grossest sounds echo out into the spatial abyss. I'll dehydrate myself at this rate, but I can't help it. Death would be preferable to being here. If the Grim Reaper wants me, he can have me. If I never wind up in this position again, it will be too soon.

I...

The bullet ants of trauma swarm my brain. Their bites rend everything about me. My will. My cognizance. My hope. Perhaps I will devolve into a lesser creature, lobotomized by the change and granting me reprieve.

We...?

I have no more tears. I'm still sniveling. My gaze travels upwards. I stare into her eyes for far too long. How I long to see them happy again. Oh, if there were anything I could do, I would have done it with all the time in the world to spare. Anything to see the light in her eyes return. Anything at all. I would kill for her. I would die for her. I would erase all of existence for her.

We.

But I am powerless.

We will take it from here.

I feel a hand on my shoulder. Another one makes its presence known on my back, gently rubbing it in comfort. Even as I am looking at the corpse of my lifelong partner, I somehow feel at ease. I must be insane. There's no way I can feel relief in this state.

"It's all right." Vaguely familiar, a voice enters my ears and creeps its way into my mind. I stop clinging to her and slowly turn. The hands recede from me as I do so. My eyes are treated to two very much alive people. As far as I can tell, there is a boy and a girl. Their faces look strikingly like mine, though ultimately different. I feel an immediate kinship with them. They could be me in another reality. We could even be the same people right now.

"We are here for you." The girl speaks, her voice ringing pleasant. I stare blankly. I want to accept this gracious sign of solidarity. Unfortunately, I find my motor skills lacking. My mind is numb. I can try to understand, but my body is bereft of all but the simplest of functions.

"Let's get her down." The boy's voice sounds so similar to my own, and to the girl's as well. I listlessly bear witness to their actions. My mind is filled with fog. Did something happen? I feel as though I've lost time. They are laying her body down on the bed. The boy lifts her some and sits. He softly rests her head in his lap and strokes her hair.

"That's better." The girl crawls. She maneuvers around the sorrowing sight on the bed, seating herself on the other side. Her lively hands take the dead one near her. One hand intertwines their fingers together, palm to palm. The other gently strokes the top of the hand.

I shuffle. I realize I've regained more control of myself. The shock of the situation has been lifted. They both stare at her. I'm not sure what expression I'm reading. Is it sorrow? Pity? Both? Maybe there is something more. They look at me before I can connect the dots.

"You love her." The boy makes his statement loud and clear. Anyone else would be asking me, but he knows me. I nod. Of course, I love her. She is the light that guides me. The throbbing brain plague dissipates. I smile wistfully.

"You know this isn't real." The girl's tone barely withholds this from being a question. A few instances of this scenario ago, I knew it wasn't real. This knowledge never made it any easier, because the emotions I felt were raw and unfiltered. I always suffered. Again, I nod. I stagger forward, unsure of if my body will give up on me. I seat myself and take the still hand in my grasp with all the care in the world. I feel as though she will simply disintegrate if I mishandle her.

"Are you worried about what she will think? After all, you've realized recently that she isn't the only one you grew feelings for." I go still when the boy speaks his words. I am mortified at the idea of how she will respond. How can I tell the girl I love that she isn't the only one I'm after?

Over the last while, I've felt an otherworldly sense of longing for the other girls in the literature club. It collided with me like that of a boxing champion's fist and hit me faster than light. There was no denying it: I was smitten. It wasn't a crush of looks. I didn't just find them attractive. I felt like I was destined to be with them. All of them. What a cruelty to have shoved upon you. There's no way that would work out.

"Aren't you going to say something to them?" My eyes latch onto the girl's. We briefly see through the windows into our souls and dance an intimate tango. I blink. The feeling is gone.

"What's the point?" I utter my first words. My voice is hoarse from the ugly crying I did. It seems like an eternity has passed since then. It seems like no time at all has passed since then. "It won't work. They wouldn't accept it." My eyes close. I have no shot of making that work. I don't know if I've accepted that or not, but I'm trying to.

"You don't know that." This time, they speak in unison. It's almost creepy. It's almost melodic. It's almost a lot of things. My eyes open. I look between the two of them.

"I guess I don't know for sure," I shrug. They have a point. "What I do know is that I'm afraid of rejection," I continue, pursing my lips as I give a brief pause. "I'm afraid of ruining the friendships I've built up. I'm not exactly the most sociable person."

"You still ought to try." The boy lowers his head. He cups her face in his hands. I notice her eyes and mouth are closed. When did that happen? I turn her hand over so that it is facing upwards. My thumb strokes her palm.

"It could be incredible." The girl gives the still hand a squeeze, eyes trained on me. Yes, it could be incredible. And if I fail, it could be an incredibly horrifying situation. I can't make this decision on my own. I know just the person to ask what to do.

My thumb goes still. I feel a weak grasp around it. My eyes widen. I look down, and her head is lifted. She's looking at me with a dazzling gleam in her eyes. They've returned to their usual heavenly glory. She's smiling at me. I finally reattach her name to her body in my mind.

"Sayori...?" The lingering pain fully subsides. The trauma I had endured feels like nothing but a distant memory. A wave of euphoria threatens to wash me away. This must be what heaven feels like.

"I know how much you love me. You told me you did, and you haven't stopped showing it." Sayori should sound like her larynx is crushed, but her voice is working just fine. She is beaming at me. The noose around her neck has been replaced with a halo around her head. Not really, but it may as well be. At least there is no sign of any rope, or damage to her neck for that matter. She has a way of soothing me unlike anyone else. She is the most darling angel to have ever existed.

Before I learned of Sayori's depression, I was a loser and a loner. Well, I still am. More importantly, I had grown complacent with life. I had always thought of myself as a guy with low standards who was fine with coasting through life with the bare minimum required, seeking entertainment to fill my time and staying away from others. I had no goals. I had no ambitions. My emotions had been suppressed for too long. I had become pessimistic and viewed most things in a negative light.

I was a fool for ever taking Sayori for granted. She reignited my appreciation for life. I realized how precious she was, how important she was to me, and I felt my mind open up. My shriveled heart grew three sizes that day. I had acted so harshly for no reason, especially to her. I refused to think critically about my actions. I didn't care who got hurt due to my negligence. That was now a thing of the past. In just a short amount of time, I've been able to feel things I haven't felt in so long. Unfortunately, that includes negative emotions, but you take what you can get.

Sayori is beaming at me. I smile back. Even if I were to die right now, I feel like I would be okay with that. I know that feeling won't last because I would be leaving her behind and that thought terrifies me, but she fills me with such warmth that she could make a disaster feel like a loving cuddle. I take her hand and raise it up, placing a kiss on the top of her hand. Her hand shares space inside both of mine. It's just her and I right now, and nothing else matters. I can't take my eyes off of her.

"Ahem..." Oh. Maybe it isn't just us after all. I had forgotten all about the other two. They cleared their throats, this time without being supernaturally synched together. I remain looking at Sayori. I can't take my eyes off of her.

"You know what you want to do."

"You should take the chance."

"Maybe the girls will feel the same way."

"If you can feel this way from out of nowhere, perhaps it has struck them as well."

"You want them to be happy too, right?" This time, Sayori speaks up. I can't take my eyes off of her. I kiss her dainty hand again. She frees it from my grasp and caresses my cheek. "I know you can make them as happy as you make me. You have something special. That's why I fell for you. I know you can change their lives for the better." Her thumb passes over my lips. I'm sure she did that on purpose. I give the smallest smooch to it, and somehow, she smiles even wider. "They may be just friends to me, but I want the best for them. They deserve better than what they have. I struggle with that sometimes, but you help me remember that. I want the same for them."

"I know you do," I reply. Removing Sayori's hand from my face, I adjust my position on the bed and lean forward on my knees. My face hovers over hers. I reach my hands up and caress her face this time, pinching her cheeks with all the strength of a mouse's paw. "I want that as well. I want to be part of something great." I falter. "Well, I already am part of something great, but who says things have to stop there?" I can't believe how at ease I am about thinking these things. It feels like such a foolish idea, pursuing all of the girls in the literature club. I won't be this casual later, that's for sure. I'm caught up in her precious face.

"Ehehe, then do it, dummy!" Sayori gently pushes my shoulder. Her giggle fills me with life. I slide my hands through her hair, cradling her head. My forehead makes contact with hers. Our eyes only have sight for each other's. Our noses are touching. We can't help but smile wider. It feels like my face shouldn't be able to handle it, but it does. I feel a calming hand on the back of my head. It must be the boy's.

"Yeah. Do it, dope!" The boy joins Sayori's silly antics. I let out a chuckle. It's crazy how this all started. I feel a reassuring hand on my back. I already know what's coming, but I don't know what name I will be called.

"What they said, clod!" The girl's gestures are no less comforting than the others'.

We are done here.

I lift my hands from Sayori's head, seeking the other two. They comply, already sensing my actions. The boy takes my left hand. The girl, my right. I glance up slightly, not taking my face too far away from Sayori's. I give a nod to the boy, then to the girl.

"I can't thank you enough," I speak with sincerity. Their smiles tell me more than any words could. My gaze travels back down to the precious gift below me. "And I'll see you in a bit."

"Will we have our first kiss soon?"

My heart flutters. I can feel my cheeks turning a light shade of pink.

"Will you be ready?"

"I think so."

"This weekend, then." We have plans for the weekend. It's going to be one of the best of our corresponding lives. Sayori pokes my cheeks. I can't smile any wider. She's so adorable.

"Spin me around when you see me. It'll be a fun way to start our day!" Sayori's words take their spot in my mind. I won't forget. She really likes that, after all. It's the small things that truly make life a better place for her, and I shall endeavor to do what I can just for her. I close my eyes.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

I wake up.

Chapter 1 End

The beginning italicized portions of the chapter contain lines from DDLC's "poem-underscore-special3-dot-png" (the "nothingisreal?" special poem) in which there is text underneath the black bars.