The Church Lady
Staring: The Church Lady.
A/N: Hey guys! I just watched the Church Lady on Saturday Night Live with Justin Beiber and Snookie. I got inspired to write this. I hope you enjoy it. I apologize to Church Lady fans because I only watched one skit. Well, here we go.
Disclaimer: Hikari does not own Chrono Crusade or the Church Lady.
Church organs played a beautiful melody as the popular skit turned on.
"And now it's time for Church Chat" a males voice said. The audience cheered wildly as the camera focused on a middle aged 'woman' with gray hair sitting with her hands together on the table. When the audience finally quieted she spoke.
"Hi I'm the Church Lady and this is Church Chat!" she said in a nasal voice. The crowd cheered again.
"Here with us today are some of the wonderful people from the Magdalene Order. But first, let's take a look at the evil roaming our streets; weapons." the Church Lady paused to move around a little.
"You can't walk down New York City anymore without getting mugged. And what do these muggers have? They have guns! A coincidence? I think not! Guns are the product of Satin!" the Church Lady's voice echoed through the empty set. "Now, let's see here. The Magdalene Order is a convent in New York City that specialized in exorcising demons. Our first guests are the Orders top exorcist Chrono...Sinner? and Rosette Christopher!" the crowd applauded. A 16 year old girl with blond hair and azure eyes walked in wearing a militia uniform, a habit and a gun holster. Behind her was a nervous looking boy who had pointy ears, waistline purple hair that was braided wearing a white shirt, black suspenders, red pants, red jacket in the shape of a star and a red hair band to match his red eyes.
"Sister Rosette Christopher at your service! This is my partner Chrono!" the blond exclaimed pointing to the boy behind her.
"Well hello. Why don't you take a seat in the chairs" the Church Lady said. Rosette and Chrono sat down in the chairs.
"Welcome to Church Chat! Now Chrono, did I see your last name was Sinner?" the Church Lady asked folding her hands together.
"Um...yes!" Chrono said nervously.
"Well isn't that special." the Church Lady said. The audience cheered wildly. Rosette and Chrono sweat dropped.
"Now my dear, tell me why your last name is Sinner" Church Lady said.
"It's because I am a demon, Church Lady" Chrono said. The Church Lady gasped.
"A demon in the house of God? Get out of here!" Church Lady exclaimed.
"But Church Lady..." Rosette began.
"Get that evil out of my sight!" the Church Lady exclaimed. Chrono grabbed Rosettes arm. He murmured something in her ear. Rosette nodded and let him lead her out.
"She's worse then Sister Kate" Rosette said just auditable. Once they were gone the Church Lady took a deep breath.
"Next is sort of from the Magdalene Order. She's a bounty hunter who goes by the nickname Hexen der big boobs. Ops I mean Hexen der Juwel. A slip of the tongue? I don't think so? It sounds to me like the work of...Satin!" she exclaimed. The crowd cheered as a talk, thin redhead walked onto the stage. She wore a very revealing dress.
"Gutten tag" she said.
"Hello Hexen der juwel" The Church Lady said.
"Pvease just call me Satella" the red head said.
"Yes Satella. Are those real?" the Church Lady reached over and gave Satellas boobs a squeeze. Satella didn't know what to so she just let it go.
"Um...yes?" Satella said.
"Not too talkative are you?" the Church Lady asked.
"Vats dat supposed to mean! I'm very talkative! At vleast I'm not zeh one going ahround touching ozher peoples breasts!" Satella exclaimed.
"Are you married?" the Church Lady asked.
"No, I'm sixteen!" Satella exclaimed.
"Are you still a virgin?" the Church Lady asked making the crowd laugh. Satellas jaw dropped to the floor.
"Vat kind of show is dis? I'm vleaving right now" Satella exclaimed getting up and storming out of the room. The Church Lady blinked innocently.
"Well I'll take that as a no" she said. "I didn't plan that" she laughed nervously. "Ok. As our last guest I have Father Ewan Remington from the Magdalene Order" the crowd cheered as a tall priest walked in. He looked to be around thirty with blond hair and ocean blue eyes. The Church Lady fixed her hair as he smiled at her.
"Sweet Lordy Jesus" she said. She smiled at him.
"Hello Church Lady" Remington said.
The Church Lady giggled like a young girl. "Oh Father!" Remington smiled flirtingly like he does with all the girls.
"It's a pleasure to be on the show" he said.
"Yes it is" The Church Lady said. She stopped giggling and got serious. "So what do you do at the Magdalene Order?"
"I am the head of the militia so I teach the nuns to fire a gun and..."
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait? Did you say, fire a gun?" the Church Lady asked.
"Yes I did. We shoot demons with holy bullets" Remington explains.
"Does anyone get hurt?" the Church Lady asked.
"Um...we had one girl once shoot at a woman" Remington said looking thoughtful.
"Well isn't that special" the Church Lady said. The crowd went wild again.
"Well Father, it looks to me like I have to have a private talk with you" she said. Ewan recognized the same look in her eyes the Elder usually has whenever he sees Satella or Rosette.
"Ugh..." he said.
"Come and do the Superior Dance with me" the Church Lady said. She got up from her chair and walked to the empty space in front of the desk. Remington smiled. He got up. The Church Lady put her hands on her hips almost like a chicken and shuffled her feet forward. Remington mimicked her as the cameras focused out. The organ played again, the same male voice from the beginning boomed.
"This has been Church Chat" the cameras turned to a commercial.
A/N: Well isn't that special! I hope you enjoyed that! Please review and if you liked this read my other fanfic about the Elders Family reunion that turns into a skit from SNL. Until next time!
Rosette: I didn't even get to talk much!
HKA: Yes I know. Tell it to the Church Lady
Chrono: She threw me out just because I'm a demon! Doesn't she see how hot I am!
HKA: Obviously not. Crazy woman.
Rosette: Hey Chrono's mine!
HKA: *growls*
Rosette: Bring it on sister!
HKA: You're the sister, Sister
Rosette: Shut up! *Wrestles.*
Chrono: *Sweatdrops* See ya next time!