Screams of Misery Within My Heart
By Judith Gunawan
…Dedicated to
…Synaid ( My best friend )
…Ortinia (My little sister)
…You ( You, who read this )
…All Americans ( My sympathy goes to those who lost their families in the America's greatest tragedy )
…All Indonesian ( My brothers and sisters )
PS : 'Painful Memories', a song from Rurouni Kenshin seem to match this fic. If you don't have it, e-mail me and ask pleasantly, then I will gladly give it to you.
At the year of 2016…
I looked up at the bright sun, my days had never been this bright since I arrived in Tokyo3. Everything had been gloomy and dark since I arrived in this fortress city. I looked around, at the busy rescuers and reporters. All of them had been walking around without even gazing at me. They walked around as if I was not there, the ignored me, just as I ignored them. I don't like to be ignored, but I ignored people. That's why, I guess it was just fair enough for both of us.
Suddenly, I heard one of the rescuer shouted something that is not clear enough for me to understand. I looked at the rescuer that had shouted while some rescuers passed by me and tried to reach the rescuer that was still shouting as soon as possible. One man brought a shovel and started digging. I walked slowly, wanting to know what the rescuer had found.
I looked down as the rescuer started to gather around the one that was digging. There it was, the thing they had found. A thing that had made remember my sin to Kaworu. It was Kaworu's necklace, the one he wore when he hummed 'Ode to Joy'. The one he wore when he died because of me. I've killed him…
" Hey, there's someone in here!", a man shouted while digging more faster behind me. I looked at what he was digging.
…NO!…It just can't be…
…It…It was my father…
" Well, too bad he's not breathing anymore.", the man that dug the rubbles said casually as if it was nothing special. My heart stopped, I stared blankly at my father's pale face. Tears rolled down my cheek while the rescuers were putting him on the stretcher. I fell on my knees, still staring blankly at the place where my father was.
…My father…is dead…
…NO! That devil is definitely not my father…
…I mean…the supreme commander had died…
" Hey kid, snap out of it. Is he your father ?", the man that had found Gendou asked me. I got back to reality, and looked at him with teary eyes. I had just realized that I had been crying…
…I…cried ?…
I quickly rubbed off my tears from my eyes, and tried to get up. I slipped on a plastic bottle and fell on my chest. I opened my eyes and saw Gendou's glasses in front of me. Tears started to get out of my eyes again as I remembered the time when Gendou smiled at me…
…Why did I cry ?…For what ?…
…Am I sad ?…Am I sad because he died ?…
…If…If I hate him, then why did I cry ?…
…But…What if I didn't hate him ?…What if I do love him ?…
More tears started to roll on my cheeks. My dirty face got more miserable than ever with my blank eyes that couldn't stop wetting my face…
…No…I did love him…But he hated me…That made me hate him too!…
No, you still love him until now…
…Mother ?…No!…I…I hate him…
You love him…
…But why did he hate me ?…
He didn't hate you…
…Yes…Yes, he did!…
He just couldn't show it…
…Couldn't show it ?…Why couldn't he ?!…
He was afraid that you might hate him, he was just like you. He was afraid to be hurt, he don't want to take any chance by loving anyone…
…Gendou…was afraid to be hurt ?…That devil was afraid to be hurt ?…
He was afraid that you might not forgive him for what he has done to you, my son…
…Gendou…wanted me to forgive him ?…I…I thought he wanted me to hate him!…
No, he loves you, and he wanted to be loved back…
…Want me…To love him back ?…
" NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", I screamed to the dark sky that had closed the sun rays. Everyone in that place looked at me as though I am crazy. And yes, they're right. I think I am going to be crazy. I looked down at the broken glasses in front of me while it was starting to rain.
" Father, you loved me ? Why didn't you just tell me ? Why ?", I whispered at the glasses below me. I felt dizzy, everything seem to turn upside down. My wounds ached so much than ever, I fell to the ground with my eyes closed. My consciousness seem to slip away, leaving me behind, unable to even open my cobalt eyes…
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I stared blankly at the aqua blue ceiling, my eyes were swollen because of too much crying. I didn't even know why exactly did I cry for ? Last night, I can't stop myself from crying.
I am not used to this kind of situation. But is that the reason that I cried ? It just can't be. I, the emotionless Ayanami Rei, cried only because the situation had changed ? Or maybe, it was because of yesterday's news that Gendou is dead ? No, I wouldn't cry for him anymore, he was a bastard that treated me like his doll, his slave. Now I know exactly why Ikari-kun hated him, he was a bastard, a liar, and a…a father…
Well, he may be a father, but he definitely is NOT a good father. He was not a caring father, he was not a loving father. He only cared for himself ! But, I only cared for my own self too…No…I cared for Ikari-kun.
The squeaky door opened, revealing a middle-aged nurse, carrying a tray of food. I stared at her with my blood red eyes. She didn't seem to be affected by it at all, she was still arranging the table to put my breakfast.
" Now, do you need me to feed you, or you would eat by yourself ?", she asked me while sitting beside my bed. Both of us were silent until she broke it by standing up.
" Come on, eat. You haven't eaten anything for 2 days.", she said to me. I stared at her a few seconds before I got down from my bed and walked slowly to the window at the right-hand side of my bed. She looked at me with a worrying look, even though for me, it was really annoying.
I opened the semi-translucent curtain, revealing the ruined buildings of Tokyo3. The long ago sparkling city was now left with dust and rubbles, with no trace of life. Some buildings were still standing, while the others were damaged, or even had collapsed. I looked at the remaining of NERV, a drop of tear rolled down my cheek. My home is gone, this plain of rubbles is not my home. My home is the huge and amazing Tokyo3, and now it was only a piece of garbage on the face of the world.
The nurse stood up and got out of the door, leaving my breakfast on the tiny table beside my bed. When the door closed, I looked at the tiny table. There, a little framed photo that Fuyusuki gave me stood still, reflecting a bit of the sunlight that penetrated the side of the curtain.
I walked toward the tiny table and lifted the framed photo. I looked at the smiling Gendou, and the smiling Fuyusuki, and the smiling…me ?
More tears rolled down my cheek, the picture became blurry. I sat on the side of my bed, still looking at the framed photo. It was taken about 5 years ago, when Tokyo3 is a peaceful place, with no Angels and no Evangelion to bother with. I was smiling in that photo, but it was not a mischievous smile, it was a smile which reveals true happiness.
I wonder how long it had already been since I last smiled for myself. I wonder how long it had already been since I felt happiness, true happiness. I wonder how long it had already been since I became the emotionless Rei, the doll.
I sobbed in sorrow, after I remembered the times when Gendou showed me love. He loved me long ago, but now, he used me as his slave. Now I know why I cried at last night. I cried because of my own stupidity, not because of the changing situation, nor the death of the supreme commander. I cried because of my own stupidity to let myself to be his doll, to be his slave…
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…Mother…Is that you ?…
Asuka, come to me…
…Where are you ?…
Here…
…Where ?…
In here…
…NO !!! Mother…why did you die ?…
I died because of loneliness, because you've let me die alone…
…No, you're not my mother…my mother wouldn't want me to die…
But I am your mother…
…No !!!…It just couldn't be…
Asuka, you've let me die alone…
…No ! leave me alone !…
Asuka, my beloved daughter…Come to me…
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" How's the third children ?", I asked Makoto.
" He's unconscious, major.", he answered me while typing something on the computer. Everything was terribly ruined after the war of NERV, SEELE and UN. None of those three was undamaged. NERV suffered many damaged facilities, it also lost many of its staffs. Many people lost their lives only because of the selfishness of the ruling people, especially Gendou and Kihl.
I had never seen Gendou did anything that made someone happy, not a single one. It's not that he always hurt everyone, but he had never done anything that worth a thing to other people.
I had just known something about his mysterious project. It was called the 'Human Instrumentality Project', and its goal was to revive the dead. And in this case, Ikari Yui, Gendou's wife. He loved his wife so much that he wanted to bring her back to life.
Before he made that project, he had also tried something to bring her back. And that was, to make a clone of his wife. You may not believe me, but it was Ayanami Rei, she was the clone of Ikari Yui. I really didn't want to believe that, Rei is not such a bad girl. She may be emotionless, and unsociable, but I know, deep inside, she must have felt lonely.
Sometimes, I would hate Asuka every time she tried to make Rei angry. But, Rei would stay silent, and it was Asuka who got angry. I wonder why two of them seemed to fight like a cat and dog. I wonder when they would work together as a team.
" (sigh) How is the second child ?", I asked Makoto again.
" She's still in a deep coma.", Makoto said to me while writing something on a paper then back to the computer again.
" How about the first one.", I asked again. I hope he wasn't bothered by my questions.
" She's still in the hospital. She didn't want to eat anything, and cried at night.", Makoto said really fast. The pilots' conditions are terrible, if someone or something attacked NERV now, NERV will certainly lose. We don't have any defense.
Suddenly, the floor shook really hard as though the earth was going to split into two. Then, a huge purple hand broke through the monitors in front of me. I looked above me with fear as the head of EVA-01 tried to break through the hole its hand had made…
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Author's Note : Now, now, I'm not going to spoil the story in here. You just have to guess what exactly is going to happen after this. Anyway, for personal critics, comments, or suggestions, you only have to e-mail me at spira_yuna@yahoo.com or ayanami.rei@bolehmail.com, okay ? And, I hope you enjoyed my fic. And, if my story has the same idea that had already popped out in your head, I'm really sorry about that. And again, if there are any similarities between my story and somebody else's story, it was definitely just a coincident.
I am not going to persuaded you to review my story, but if you ARE a responsible reader, please at least give the author some comments so that s/he could improve at, okay ?
Disclaimer : All Evangelion characters and the names I used in my fic is a copyright of GAINAX. But, this fic is a copyright of me, so if you want to put it in your web page, you can just send me the link of your web page, you DON'T have to ask my permission.