Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Harry Potter.
4 July
I only just found this little notebook. I bought it ages ago, but I put it on my bookshelf and forgot I had it, so I'm glad I tripped and fell and got a black eye against my bookcase tonight, because this journal fell and I remembered about it. Okay, so I'm not happy about the bruises, but it's okay, because Molly Weasley fixed me right up. She's really good at that sort of thing. I've never been all that good at domestic spells.
Just realised I haven't introduced myself properly (though I don't really see why I should, it's my diary and who's going to read it, and if they needed an introduction, how the blazes did they get it in the first place?), so I might as well now. My name is Nymphadora Tonks. Basically, I'm a clumsy, silly, talkative fool, but apparently I'm loveable. At least, that's what I've been told.
At the moment, it's 3:15 AM and I can't sleep. I got up to get a glass of water and didn't bother turning on the lights, which is why I fell against the bookcase. It's just been a weird sort of time, and I've been up late thinking about all sorts of odd things. Mostly about Sirius, my late cousin. I've got a bit of a mad family, mostly Dark wizards, but my branch is okay. Sirius is pretty much the only other one to turn out all right, even though he was falsely accused of murder and put into Azkaban for years. After he broke out (yeah, I know, all this doesn't make him sound so great, but he was), he joined up with the Order of the Phoenix, a Voldemort-fighting organisation that I'm a proud member of, and he died fighting my aunt Bellatrix, who's a Death Eater. It was a horrible thing for me, because I had been fighting her until she hit me with something awful and I went toppling down a bunch of stone steps.
I remember waking up in St. Mungo's like it just happened. I was really achy all over and I was so tired, but Arthur was sitting next to my bed. I had no idea where I was or how I'd gotten there, and I immediately tried to ask questions, but Arthur shut me up really quickly. He just told me right off the bat that Sirius had taken up my fight with Bellatrix and had died in the process. I think I went totally numb then, and I don't remember if I said anything, but I remember him taking my hand and thinking that was strange, because he'd never done that before. And then my brain began to work and I realised he was trying to comfort me. But I just couldn't wrap my mind around what he had told me, and I guess I was in such denial that nothing made sense.
At any rate, that's something I've been dealing with a lot lately. I've sort of gotten past the denial thing and I guess I'm moving into anger or something. I still haven't cried, and I don't know if that makes me a horrible person or something, but I just can't. I've tried, and I feel bad for not being able to, but for some reason I can't make myself cry. I think it's because I'm not much of a crier naturally, and I usually deal with problems by ranting about them or something. Still, it would be nice to mourn in a normal way.
I'm off to bed now. I've got a horrifically long day tomorrow and I'm exhausted.
-Tonks
5 July
I suppose what I've got to say today would make a lot more sense if I'd bothered to tell you I'm an Auror, wouldn't it? Well, I'm an Auror, a Dark Wizard catcher, and I'm still fairly low on the ranks, but it's great work. I have about the only job in the Ministry where I can waltz around with pink hair, get out into the fresh air when we're on a raid, and decorate my cubicle with whatever I'd like (WEIRD SISTERS GALORE, plus the odd photo of friends in the Prophet, and one of me in the Prophet! Though that was sort of a fluke, I just happened to be standing with Kingsley at the time, but we'll pretend it was all about me, shall we?).
Anyway, today I came into the office as usual and said hello to everyone, but I was a bit unnerved because everyone was giving me these strange looks. When I sat at my desk, Kingsley immediately came rushing up to me looking totally wild. I can't say how strange it was to see him in such a state, because he usually is so calm and collected. Anyway, he bolts right up to me and slaps The Quibbler on my desk and as soon as I saw the fifth page, I nearly choked.
Right there was none other than yours truly (so I've had thirty minutes of fame, then?) and a huge heading that said "Pink-Haired Pillock Fought Aunt!"
Well, first of all, I resent the "Pink-Haired Pillock" thing, seeing as I'm a Metamorphmagus so my hair is all sorts of different colours. I just happen to like pink at the moment. Second of all, yes, I did fight my aunt, but that's because she was trying to kill me and about a dozen others. And why – when we fought at the Department of Mysteries ages ago – are they only reporting it now? I started getting really upset while I read the article, and I've pasted it here so I don't have to rewrite it. At least it wasn't too long.
PINK-HAIRED PILLOCK FOUGHT AUNT!
Nymphadora Tonks, twenty-four, is one of the few
who can tell us exactly what happened at the Ministry
of Magic last month, at the infamous battle between
Auror and Death Eater, that battle that decided Harry Potter
to be deemed "The Chosen One". However, is this rosy-
locked Dark Wizard catcher really on our side?
Tonks is related to none other than Bellatrix Lestrange,
the Death Eater convicted of torturing Frank and Alice
Longbottom into insanity. At the Department of Mysteries,
it was reported that she fought with Lestrange until she
was too injured to continue. Everyone there insists Tonks
fought bravely, trying to bring down her aunt.
BUT DID SHE?
We now have it from a reliable source that Tonks falsified an injury in order to stop having to fight Lestrange, leaving the rest of the Aurors called to the scene to the mercy of Lestrange and the other Death Eaters who had been summoned to the aid of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. A Healer at St. Mungo's, who wished to remain anonymous, treated Tonks while she was hospitalised.
"From all I could see, she might have taken a Stunner in the chest, but she was more bruised from what I was told was a fall. Apparently she's a clumsy sort."
BUT IS SHE?
"I've never seen Tonks trip or anything. She's normally quite graceful. I can't imagine her just falling down some stairs out of nowhere, to be honest," said a co-worker of the Auror in question, Jecil Reedbuck. "If you ask me, it's funny."
Hopefully, the Ministry of Magic will look into these claims further and seriously question the loyalty of those mean to be protecting us.
I had never, and I mean never, been so insulted in my entire life. I'm a member of the bloody Order of the Phoenix, for heaven's sake! I've devoted everything to trying to protect the wizarding world from Voldemort. I noticed that Rita Skeeter wrote the article, so I'm trying not to set much store by it, but a lot of people listen to her.
Anyway, after I finished reading the article and had begun formulating various forms of torture in my head to direct at Reedbuck, Kingsley snatched the magazine away and started hissing at me. Like I said, it's very weird to see him so out of shape, because he's extremely patient normally. He kept saying stuff like "who have you told?" and "what have you said?" and "since when have you been graceful?"
I'm definitely not graceful. I can't climb a staircase for falling, and I can't remember the last time Molly let me help with the dishes. But Reedbuck and I have always been at odds with each other – because we're the same level and I'm eight years younger than him – and now we're both facing inquiries.
Hermione heard about the inquisition, and she's offered to look up other cases in which someone has been falsely accused of traitorous activities in magazine articles, which is very sweet. Remus also went on for about thirty minutes about how there's no way I'll be fired, Reedbuck's sure to be at least suspended, I've got nothing at all to worry about, would I like some tea? Now, all that would be fine and very sweet as well if he weren't being so strange. I can't quite figure him out lately. I know he just lost the last of his best mates, so I understand that he's still grieving, but he's been so odd towards me lately. I'm so worried that he blames me for Sirius dying, because I was the one who left him vulnerable for Bellatrix to attack. I don't know what I'd do if that were the case.
-Tonks
7 July
No hitches in the inquiry. Most of the conversation consisted of what waffle Rita Skeeter always prints, so I'm not in trouble. Reedbuck, though, got off as well, sadly. He managed to convince them that he really did think me graceful.
Right. And I'm also really a hippogriff in disguise.
-Tonks
8 July
Remus and I got into a shouting match last night. Actually, I did all the shouting, while he just stood there with an obnoxiously calm look on his face, like always. Sometimes I want to slap him when he's being all polite and collected, because I know he's putting it on. It drives me totally mad sometimes.
I know I'm being ridiculous and a bit selfish just now, but really…what happened was I went round to see him because I had some stuff from Dumbledore to talk to him about. We took a tea break, and somehow drifted to the topic of Sirius dying. I got really frustrated because I kept dropping hints that I think he might be blaming me, because I'd really like to know. I already blame me, so I'd rather he didn't. Anyway, I asked him straight out if he thought Sirius's death was my fault, and he just stared at me for a moment, then said, "Whatever gave you that idea?"
What does he mean, "Whatever gave you that idea"? He must be mad! I shouted at him for a good ten minutes about how I was sick and tired of him acting the father with me lately, and how I wished he'd just be himself once more, and if he blamed me than to just say so. Remus didn't say anything, he just sat and stared, and I stormed out.
I don't normally act like that. I think I just finally snapped in some way, because I cried after that. I ended up going to Molly's house that night and just sobbing to her for a while. I can't believe how awful I feel about it. Not only am I to blame for Sirius, I'm to blame for causing Remus to lose his best friend. It's my fault he's so unhappy right now, and I can't stand it. Even worse, Dumbledore and Harry Potter both saw me in that state last night, which was not only embarrassing, but could compromise my position in the Order. I really don't want Dumbledore thinking my concentration is anywhere but fighting Voldemort.
-Tonks
Oh, and I forgot to mention: I woke up this morning with my own boring brown hair. Molly said it had been like that the night before, but I was so upset I hadn't noticed. Really bad sign.
15 July
I know it's been a long while, but I've got to report: since my last entry, Remus and I have had two more shouting matches (he almost yelled back, oddly enough), another few cups of tea, and a slap. No, I'm not kidding. It was the strangest thing…one moment we were yelling, the next I'd started blubbering again, the next he was giving me a hug, and the next I'd slapped him. I felt really stupid after the fact because it was a strange thing to do, not to mention totally immature. I've been a kid long enough. I really should grow up and get serious about the work I do.
17 July
You would not BELIEVE the day I've had. I don't even want to go into it, except to mention that my hair is still as off as it was the other day.
21 July
Tiny ray of sunshine: Remus and I saw each other for thirty minutes without attempting homicide. Progress, perhaps?
Molly seems hell-bent on getting us to be civil to one another. While I think it's terribly sweet of her to care so much, I almost don't care now. I'm just so furious with him that I can barely face him. Molly, however, insists that he'll see the light and stop being such a professor. A part of me thinks she's really on his side, but at least she hasn't flat-out said so.
I know I'm being a miserable old flop right now, but I'm just so irritated with Remus. Normally he and I get on so well, and now it's all wrong. Oh, and I think I may be allergic to cats. There was one around Remus's flat and my eyes got all swollen and itchy…which is just perfect.
25 July
Hmm…I wonder what the kids would think of their favourite ex-teacher now. Remus and I had another of our little "yell-scream-bite-cry-hug-slap" sessions, but right as I was about to really tell him off, he just gave me a little kiss on the forehead and started heading off toward the kitchen. Well, you can imagine how strange that was for me, so naturally, I followed him and somehow managed not to knock anything over, which was odd because I was walking very quickly.
I asked him what exactly he was playing at, and why we were still fighting, because I was sick of it. He just turned, offered me a cup of tea, and went about setting out tea and biscuits when I didn't respond. Well, I was not only still livid, but I was utterly confused and sort of hoping he was all right, so I just stood and watched. Finally, he faced me and said (and I quote):
"I've decided we're not going to have any more rows. If you want to still be angry with me, then that's fine, but I'm not going to be angry with you. I care for you too much to waste time like that."
I still couldn't think of anything to say, so I just let him go about making tea and being his peculiar self. Remus really is a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, surrounded by a riddle, dipped in chocolate.
31 July
Utterly amusing day. Seriously. Kingsley can be a funny bloke when he wants to be, and he definitely was today. I guess he must have noticed how down I've been (hard to miss, really), so he decided to draw a cartoon of Umbridge and Scrimgeour fighting over a pastry. I don't know why exactly, but it made me laugh for a good twenty minutes before I could calm down. I think I was just so relieved to be laughing that I just couldn't stop. Kingsley gave me a wink and a smile, and then went back to being Employee of the Millennium.
I think today is Harry's birthday, though I may be mistaking the day. Something tells me he has a late July birthday. I hope I'm wrong and that his birthday isn't for a bit longer, because I feel like I should get him something. No idea what.
-Tonks
P.S. Turns out the something that told me Harry's birthday was Ginny. I'd completely forgotten. I haven't seen her in a while, and I wonder how she is.
12 August
Ages since I've last written, and so much to chat about!
First of all, and most importantly in my opinion, I saw one Remus John Lupin utterly jittery. Yes, that's right. Calm, collected, mild-mannered Remus, twitching like a first-year at Hogwarts at Sorting (or as I imagine it would look…I never did pay much attention to the Sorting, but I remember shaking like a leaf before mine). He had heard from one of his reliable sources that Fenrir Greyback had threatened a family with an attack against their little girl.
Now, the only reason I was present at all during this revelation was because I was planning on letting Remus know that I would be stationed at Hogsmeade during the school year and asking him to keep in touch every so often so I didn't go completely mad. However, what actually happened was that Remus wrenched open the door when I knocked and let me in without a word. I got really worried at that point because he seemed even paler than usual and looked in a great hurry, so I asked what was wrong, and he said Greyback was at large once more.
Well, I'd heard of Greyback, but only in passing once or twice, and I knew he liked to prey on kids. It figures Remus would take all this so personally, as he's actually made an effort to be a normal wizard rather than a savage. I imagine he feels really offended by werewolves like that, so I understood the jitters from that sort of thing. I really think there's more to it, but I didn't like to press it and risk being off speaking terms again (or worse, being on yelling terms).
Also, Scrimgeour thought it would be a brilliant idea to re-examine the inquiry about me. Lovely. I don't think it will come to anything, though, because he's vaguely a git. Plus, there's the fact that I'm an excellent Auror, have impeccably good instincts about what to say in inquiry situations, and the fact that Kingsley will probably kill Scrimgeour if I get sacked. And, of course, Tonks's Clumsy Moment of the Day: While attempting to hand Reedbuck a document, I somehow managed to topple over and knock his desk askew. In front of Scrimgeour. Something tells me he'll think I'm just as ungainly as I claim to be.
-Tonks