''Are you alright?''
Those are the first words to leave her mouth and she felt incredibly stupid for it, for he was clearly not alright.
She had been lying awake on her bed, unable to sleep, when she felt his distress over the bond. She didn't hesitate as she rushed to his room, where she had found him sitting on the bed, his hair disheveled and expression wild.
She sat on the edge of the bed, placing a hand on his shoulder. He moved away and she let her hand fall, a painful feeling twisting her stomach.
Ben's eyes met hers, haunted by things unknown.
''No…I'm not'', he answered quietly, ''I'll be, don't worry'' His gaze fell to her hand, now resting on her lap. He looked away. He probably did not want to show any weakness in front of her. Rey thought it was ridiculous, if anyone knew them, it was her.
''Go back to sleep Rey''
He had been so cold towards her lately. While they had never have what you'd call a warm, affectionate relationship, they had been close. Or so she thought, and the distance he was keeping from her hurt. The bond provided very little privacy, and when he had defected the Order she had expected things to be…different.
They had talked more when the bond connected them, a galaxy apart. Now it was almost as if he was avoiding her.
Which was rather hard, with their quarters being so close and Rey having to spend all day by his side, being the only one trusted to keep him in line.
She didn't want to leave, to go back to a bed that she could not sleep a full night. By her own. Alone.
So alone.
''No'', she said, with more confidence that she felt. ''I'm staying''
He eyed her warily, not sure of her intentions.
''I don't want to talk about it''
''I didn't ask you to''
She looked at him then, sharply, daring him to kick her out. He was silent for a moment, returning her gaze.
Finally, he spoke.
''What do you want, then?''
I want you to cut the bantha-crap and start talking me again. She didn't say that, of course. She also wasn't sure that talking was all she wanted. She needed…something else. And she didn't know how to ask for it either.
He could reject her, and make the distance between them even larger.
She was willing to take the risk.
''My room is really cold''
It was not a lie. Hoth was a cold planet with a very harsh climate, and the crew quarters were hellish. But they both knew that wasn't her issue.
The implication was there, she had done her part, and it was up to him to make the move.
Slowly, aware of her eyes following his every movement, he shifted away from the center of the bed, also taking the sheets, making space. Rey was not going to let him back from it, and quickly took her boots off, slipping next to him on the bed.
They still weren't as close as she wanted, there was a distance to fill.
She could feel his churning emotions through the bond, as if he didn't know what she wanted, even there, as she lay on the bed by his side. Still unsure, she let him feel her own, the loneliness that the other members of the Resistance could not fill, the constant fear and exhaustion that the war caused her, how tired she was, how much she missed him.
She felt his shock then, and when she turned to look at him his eyes had softened and his gaze was gentle. She felt her throat tighten. Rey had missed his kindness, rare as it was.
He extended his arm to place a lock of her hair behind her ear, his knuckles touched her cheek lightly and she let out a deep sigh. Those hands that had hurt so many, done so much wrong, yet she yearned the feeling since the first time she had touched them. He didn't say anything, he didn't have to. The bond fluttered with tender feelings, come closer.
She did.
Laying her head on his bare chest, she could hear his heartbeat. It calmed her. His hand caressed her hair.
She wanted more. Life in Jakku was full of heat, but it had very little warmth. Rey had been starved of more than just food.
Bold, she threw her leg over his hip, with the intention of being just closer. He gasped and tensed, but he quickly relaxed. Ben wrapped his arm around her waist, gently squeezing her side, as if saying I'm here. He kissed her forehead and she closed her eyes, shivering. His body was so warm, so alive, Rey tried to get him even closer. He pulled de covers over them, and tangled his legs with hers, his feet warming hers.
She had almost forgotten that she wasn't the only one starved of touch. His own insecurities, his feeling of abandonment shook her deeply. She hoped that he could feel her as much as she felt him. That her closeness made him feel as good as his did to her. A calming balm for an aching wound.
You are not alone.
She felt so safe there, in his arms, his bed. So cherished. He wanted her, in the same way she wanted him.
Closer, closer.
Was is possible to say so much with only silence?
She feared the morning to come, she feared falling asleep, no matter how much her body needed that rest. She didn't want that to end, whatever it was. A moment, a soft touch.
He hugged her tightly, sensing her fears.
I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart.
I won't leave.
She believed him.
There were no more nightmares that night, no aching feeling of solitude eating them away.
They were so content.
It was the best sleep they had in years.
Hidden desires remained between them, but there would be other nights to explore them.
The end.