Skyler couldn't help but break down when I slid the co-ordinates to her, leading to Hank and his partner's body buried in the desert. I think it was the moment I mentioned the name that she finally broke. Not Steve Gomez. Hank, Hank Schrader - our beloved brother in-law. Her face scrunched in denial, and flooded with sharp tears. It took me so long, but upon gazing at my wife I couldn't help but feel remorse for my actions. I struggled to speak, maybe once upon a time it would have been much easier to comfort my wife but now it was like she didn't know me. She glanced up finally, and my hypothesis instantly disproved. She finally knew me for who I really was. I expected nothing more than distance, but yet I felt closer to her than ever. It was this comfort - perhaps acceptance I had longed for all along, it's just a shame that the vessel I chose to get there had caused so many waves. I finally zoned back in, my thoughts gasping for catharsis.
"Skyler…."
I didn't mean to repeat her name, but I felt compelled to. "...Skyler…" And she listened.
"All the things that I did...you need to understand-" And she cut me off.
I could see the
agitation on her face, and quite frankly I anticipated it.
"If I have to hear, one more time that you did this...for the family…" She trembled in a mix of emotions, she was so tired of me but couldn't help hear me out.
And there it was, it was if a weight had been lifted off my chest. The lie I had kept hidden within myself, the lie I knew was there but was too proud to admit. But I felt my end coming and my lips couldn't resist the opportunity to rid myself of that burden, the great Heisenberg couldn't tell himself one more lie.
"I did it for me."
She looked surprised, I think she felt that same weight lift off of her.
"I liked it...I was good at it...I was really…"
And it took me what seemed like forever to utter the words, before my throat finally complied.
"I was really... Alive…" And with that my eyes burned to bloodshot. I'm not sure why I gulped to stop the stinging in my eyes, as if that would have helped. But I knew why they stung so suddenly. I recognised the irony in that statement now.
It felt like years past as I wandered into the doorway to see Holly. I only realised now the fragility of my daughter, so vulnerable there in her cot. I blinked painfully knowing that she'll grow up without the father she deserved. She'll have my money, endless opportunities and the fresh started I envied. But she'll never have me, she'll never know of the things I did for their future. My hand glided over her soft blonde hair, then I reminded myself that I didn't do it for her. I did it for me.
And at that point I decided to let her go, to take responsibility for my selfishness. I made sure that this time, it was for her. I took a last look back at her small, sleeping body. I was like that at one point, innocent and so ready to find my place in the world. It reminded me of my father, my last memories of him as a dying man - weak and unfulfilled. At least she would never have to see her father like that.
I exited the the room, and gave a strange but warm look to Skyler in a kind and final mutual silence. The last time I ever saw her.
On my journey out of Albuquerque, I saw my son Walter Jr. Although I'm sure by now he went back to being called Flynn. He was so ashamed of me, but I was all too proud of him. I remembered how he monitored the donation website for hours in order to preserve my life and how he leaned over his mother to protect her from me. Cerebral palsy or not, my child was going to be someone some day - whether he would clench the burden of my name or not was irrelevant.
It was about time to end Jack and his gang.