Harry didn't think they'd meant to take it this far. Sirius and Mrs. Parr were practically shouting each other, Lupin and Mr. Parr jumping in from time to time. Everyone else was watching with wide eyes, looking back and forth like they were watching a tennis match, and all trying very hard not to laugh.
Bob Parr had been arguing with Sirius when Harry and the others had come in. "I know it sounds dangerous," he had said, "but Helen and I-"
"Oh no," Sirius had said, after a pointed look from Mrs. Weasley.
A meeting had just ended and Mrs. Weasley had called them down for dinner, and as Mr. Parr had grimaced apologetically at her Harry had wished he'd thought to wait outside the door. Mr. Parr usually liked to argue Order business after the meetings, but Mrs. Parr and Mrs. Weasley would never let him go into detail once Harry or any of the others had entered the room.
"I know enough not to let Dumbledore send the two of you anywhere by yourselves." Mrs. Parr had been setting the table, and she'd frowned at Sirius's half-joking comment.
"What are you talking about?" she'd asked, stretching her arms to set the plates and watching Sirius as he had grinned. "Bob and I used to go on missions together all the time," she had said as Hermione, the Weasleys, and the Parrs had filed in behind Harry and had started moving towards their seats. Sirius had waved off her argument.
"I've learned from experience, Helen. Remember Mary McDonald?"
"Yes I remember Mary, what has that got to do with-?" Her mouth had clicked shut. To Harry's astonishment, a deep flush had grown in her cheeks and she had conspicuously looked everywhere except at her husband as she had started placing napkins and forks, this time walking around the table. Violet had looked to her father for an explanation and Harry had followed suit, frowning in confusion as Mr. Parr had just smiled sheepishly. Sirius had laughed.
"I asked them to-well, to do some reconnaissance for me-" he had started, but Mrs. Parr had interrupted him, her normally low voice sharp and high-pitched.
"He asked us to find out if she liked him," she had said, and Ron and Harry had snorted. "That was eighteen years ago, Sirius, we've matured-"
"Anyway," Sirius had continued, ignoring her as he sat down. "They were taking a while, so I went to check on them, see what they'd found out, and I found them-"
"Sirius," Mrs. Parr had all but whined, glancing around at her children and Mrs. Weasley, who had just reentered the dining room from the kitchen, carrying what looked like an enormous casserole.
"-snogging behind a suit of armor on the fifth floor." Harry, Ron, and Hermione had all turned pink as the twins had snickered, and Violet and Dash had scrunched their noses almost identically. "Of course, I didn't want to bother them, but after a while-"
"It was only a few minutes," Mrs. Parr had mumbled as she had passed Mrs. Weasley and escaped to the kitchen.
"And I thought they hated each other, or at least Helen hated Bob, so imagine my surprise-"
"Molly, do you need help with anything else?" Mr. Parr had said suddenly, edging away from the table. "Drinks or something?" Harry had sat down next to Ron as Mrs. Weasley shook her head.
"I think we're set-"
"I'll just check anyway," Mr. Parr had said, and darted out of the room.
"No funny business!" Sirius had called after him, then he'd leaned back and laughed. "I've missed them," he had said. "They were always good for a laugh."
"You walked in on them more than once?" Hermione had asked, and Violet had sank a little in her chair.
"Who?" Lupin had just walked in and sat down next to Sirius.
"Bob and Helen," Sirius had said, and Lupin's face had split into a wide grin.
"What do you mean, 'They hated each other'?" Ron had asked.
"Well, they didn't hate each other-" Lupin had started.
"More like Helen thought Bob was an egotistical airhead for five years," Sirius had said. "Which wasn't exactly true, but he and Lucius got in a lot of trouble, almost more than we did-"
"Lucius?" Harry had interrupted. "Malfoy's father?" He couldn't imagine Mr. Parr being friends with a snob like Malfoy. Sirius and Lupin had glanced at each other, and Violet and Dash had grimaced.
"Lucius Best," Lupin had said. "Another Slytherin, one of the good ones." Harry had frowned and glanced at Ron, who had shrugged.
"Good Slytherin?" Fred had said, sneering.
"They do exist," Lupin had said wryly. "He's in the Order now."
"Anyway," Sirius had said, "for five years she wouldn't give him the time of day, until something happened in their sixth year-they were both a year older than us-"
"What happened?" Ginny had asked, and though she had still looked embarrassed, Violet had looked at Sirius, interested. Sirius had shrugged.
"He would never tell us. After that she would at least talk to him for five minutes without insulting him, and then in their seventh year-" Lupin had cleared his throat and glanced at Dash.
"That looks delicious Molly," he had said in a very transparent attempt to change the subject. "Arthur, you're just in time, looks like we're ready to get started!" Mr. Weasley had come in from the hall, he'd been seeing off the rest of the Order, and he'd looked around the table.
"Excellent! Looks fantastic, dear," he had said. "But where are Bob and Helen?"
"They're still in the kitchen," Ginny had said. "I'll go get them-"
"No, wait." Sirius had said hurriedly. He had tilted his head as though he were listening for something. He and Lupin had glanced at each other and hesitated for another moment, before they both had scrambled up from their seats. They had raced each other to the door and had disappeared into the kitchen.
"Ha!" Harry had heard Sirius and Lupin burst into laughter, then had heard clumsy footsteps stumbling back into the dining room.
"SIRIUS BLACK!" Sirius and Lupin had appeared in the door, dodging a hand that stretched out of the kitchen and had been smacking whatever parts of them it could reach.
"Yeah, real mature, Helen," Sirius had said, taking cover behind Mrs. Weasley. "Like when Filch found you in that broom closet-"
"-and when McGonagall had to separate you in class-" Lupin had added.
"-or when Flitwick fainted when he was late to class and you two were-"
"Like you were so much better!" Helen had interrupted, beet red and shaking with fury. "What about that time you and James thought it would be a great idea to try and teach the giant squid to walk?"
They'd been at it for ten minutes, Sirius and Lupin smiling and nearly howling with laughter with every retort, and Mr. Parr having had to physically restrain his wife on two occasions, which was certainly a sight to behold. He was easily seven feet tall and towered over Mrs. Parr, even so he struggled to keep her from flying at Sirius and Lupin, absolutely furious. He was trying to calm her down, but his pleas fell on deaf ears.
Harry was sure dinner had gotten cold but not even Mrs. Weasley seemed to mind. She was covering her mouth with her oven mitt and shaking with what Harry suspected was laughter. He could hardly blame her; everyone in the room was in the same situation. Ron and the twins were getting redder with every second and their mouths were twitching spastically, Hermione was biting her knuckle, and Ginny was looking away and biting her lip. Dash and Violet and even Jack-Jack were watching Sirius with wide eyes and gaping mouths, looking more and more shocked at every sentence.
It was frustrating, though, they were only referring to different occasions through single sentences that were so bizarre by themselves that Harry wished he could ask for an explanation between fits of nearly choking on his laughter.
"When you led the mandrakes in a 'revolt against the institution'-"
"When you got stuck on the entrance hall ceiling-"
"The time you celebrated that Quidditch match and danced on the table at breakfast-"
On and on it went, back and forth, until Mrs. Parr finally stalled.
"When you-you-augh!" She threw her hands into the air. "You're impossible!" Sirius and Lupin burst into cheers, dramatically shaking hands and bowing to each other, then bowing to everyone else as Mrs. Parr flopped into her seat.
It was the last straw, no one could take it anymore. The twins were the first to bust out laughing, followed closely by Ron and Harry, then Ginny and Mr. Weasley and finally Hermione and Mrs. Weasley. Jack-Jack shrieked happily and clapped his hands while Dash and Violet stared at their mother.
"How did you get stuck on the entrance hall ceiling?" Violet asked, and Mrs. Parr groaned.
"That," Sirius said, " is an excellent question, Violet. You see-"
"I was showing off!" Mrs. Parr interrupted before Sirius could continue. She'd obviously decided that the real story, however embarrassing it might be, was probably ten times better than whatever Sirius would tell them. "I said I could touch the ceiling and someone dared me to, I don't remember who-"
"James," Sirius and Lupin said at the same time, and Mrs. Parr rolled her eyes.
"Naturally. I touched the ceiling, but he said I had to prove it, so I pulled myself up." She was speaking very quickly, Harry got the sense she was keen to get it over with. "And, well-"
"She chickened out," Sirius said smugly, leaning back and exchanging a grin with Lupin. Mrs. Parr flushed.
"I was twelve, Sirius, and it was very high," she said resentfully. The twins were now rolling around the floor, clutching their stomachs and howling with laughter. Ginny and Ron were snickering, and Harry was biting his fist in an attempt to keep his mirth contained.
Hermione was the only one trying to be polite; she took a sip from her glass, looking for all the world like she had suddenly gone deaf until she choked on her butterbeer, unable to swallow through her silent giggles.
"Oh, Helen," Mrs. Weasley gasped through her laughter, wiping her streaming eyes, "How did you get down?"
"Oh, McGonagall got her down eventually," Sirius said dismissively. "Not before we got a picture, though." Mrs. Parr shot up in her seat.
""You what?!" she said shrilly, and Sirius and Lupin caught each others' eyes and roared with laughter.
A/N: Thanks for reading! I liked writing Lupin like this.