Disclaimer- Yeah…I really wish Grey's was mine. But it's not.

Summary- Set after Forever Young, Meredith deals with her thoughts and struggles to find where she stands after she hears the new gossip about Derek and Rose.

A/N: So this is my first fanfic…ever, actually. If you have a minute, please leave me a review and let me know how I'm doing in the world of fanfiction!

I haven't watched the first part of Crash Into Me, (I'm determined not to watch until the strike is over, which is SO incredibly hard to do) so I don't really know what happens between Derek, Rose and Meredith in that episode. But think of this a week after Forever Young, without the Crash Into Me double episode ever happening.

The italics are Meredith's memories. They're mostly from the show, although I may have made one or two up. It'll make sense if you read further. Enjoy!

Meredith hadn't really understood the purpose of the nurse's station until she heard them talking about her. Gossip. That's what it was about. All gossip.

"Our Rose deserves the best."

"At least he finally asked her out. 36 surgeries and only then he finds out her name"

"That Grey finally is getting what she deserves."

"Grey? She's not good enough for him."

"He asked eight nurses for her name. Did you know?"

"Rose is prettier than Grey any day. Grey isn't even pretty."

"And nicer. Do you see the way Grey treats her sister? Like a piece of trash."

"She thinks she owns this hospital. Just because her mom was Ellis Grey."

"Derek and Rose. Sounds kind of perfect."

Meredith had chosen today to use an ink pen. Of all days. And she chose to chart at the nurses station instead of her normal spot by the vending machines. The ink bled through the chart that she was writing on, distorting all the words as she listened to the loud gossip of the nurses.

"He asked her out right in front of me. It was the sweetest thing. Eight o' clock tonight."

"Dating McDreamy. God, I wish I could date him."

"Just anybody but Grey and I'm happy."

They were at the nurses' station. He liked to do charting here; it was a good place for him to lean. Derek was good with leaning. She had stayed up the whole night before thinking. He couldn't breathe for her anymore. He didn't want to breathe for her. She had spent the whole night thinking about that. Then she spent whatever she had left of the night for practicing her speech. With hand gestures.

When I drowned, it was different for you than it was for me.

I want to be different.

I want to be better at everything.

I want to let you in.

Now is not the time to give up on me.

Okay.

She had dropped the hand gestures at 5:09 in the morning. It made her look a little crazy when she saw it in the mirror while practicing.

Meredith swallowed. Then breathed in deeply. She couldn't listen to anymore. She needed to think.

MDMDMDMD

Meredith sat staring at the wall in the resident's lounge, drumming the fingers of her right hand back and forth, making it look like she was thinking about something. She checked her watch. 10:47. Derek was clipping an aneurysm right now in OR 3.

Rose. Meredith had seen her once in the hallway and her eyes about 36 other times in Derek's surgeries. He didn't know, but she made it a point to watch a little of every one of his surgeries that she wasn't assisting on or operating at the same time. Rose. The nurse. The one that talked about cliques when Derek was removing the pencil from Danny's eye. She hadn't seen the end of the surgery but she knew what happened.

And now they were going on a date. A real date, too. Not a fake-date like Sydney. This was a real date. A date with an expensive restaurant involved and maybe steak with big chunks of carbs in a basket and wine. No, this definitely wasn't a fake date at Joe's with Mark looking bored on the side. Mark wouldn't be there. Joe wouldn't be there. The hospital staff wouldn't be there. She definitely wouldn't be there. Just Derek and Rose. Rose and Derek.

Meredith frowned. 10:55.

"Hey."

Meredith jumped. Cristina. "Hey."

Cristina went directly towards the caffeine but stopped short and looked at Meredith. Meredith gave her a weak smile.

"What did McDreamy do?"

"What makes you think Derek did anything?"

Cristina shrugged. "You have the McDreamy-did-something-bad look on your face."

"I don't do that," Meredith said. "That's not a look."

"And I heard the nurses talking about it too. So what did McDreamy do?"

Meredith sighed and placed both her elbows on the table, looking at the two loose fists she made. "This shouldn't be hard for me. This dating thing. This shouldn't be hard, right?"

Cristina shrugged again. "Who's he dating anyhow?"

"Rose. The nurse. With brown eyes."

"A nurse?" Cristina's voice was filled with shock and a little bit of disgust. "I've lost all my respect for him."

"She has nice eyes," Meredith said softly, staring at the lines in the wood table. She had originally thought it was fake wood but looking closely, Meredith could tell it was real wood.

Cristina put down her coffee cup and lay down on the bench, pillowing her head in hands. "Whatever. If he wants to date a nurse I say you get over him."

"Should it be this hard?" Meredith asked, staring at the clock on the wall. 11:00. 11:01.

"Probably not. You wanted him to date anyhow," Cristina said taking a gulp of her coffee and wiping her mouth on the back of her hand.

"I know," Meredith murmured.

The sound of a pager brought Meredith's glance down to the waist of her scrubs. Cristina sat up and grabbed wildly at her pager.

"Hahn," she paused and looked at Meredith. "Oh my god." Cristina jumped up and ran out of the resident's lounge, occasionally slowing down and speeding up. This had been her routine for the past week.

Meredith's eyes went back to the clock on the wall. The seconds actually made a sound, Meredith realized. Derek would still be clipping the aneurysm.

The intern locker room. Meredith had never liked that place. It reminded her too much of her high school gym locker room and she had hated every minute of high school. Cristina's wedding. Intern exams. Bridesmaids dresses. Momma. Maid of honor. The Best Man.

Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone. Not your friends. But you leave me.

Put me out of my misery.

I have to go. Cristina's getting married.

Put me out of my misery.

She stood up slowly and pulled the door open, glancing back at the clock once more.

11:03. 11:04.

MDMDMDMD

Normally she wouldn't mind if Derek saw her. But today she did. She stood in the door of the gallery of OR 3, making sure that somebody blocked her. Derek couldn't see her today.

Standing on her tip- toes, she could just about see Derek and his ferryboat scrub cap. Meredith loved that scrub cap.

"Excuse me," someone said, pushing Meredith aside before she could even move out of the way.

Interns. She definitely never pushed residents when she was an intern.

"What happened?" the intern said loudly to her friend, taking a chip from the bags of snacks that were laid out on the seats.

"He looked at her twice and she moved closer to the table. And I think he smiled too,' the second intern said.

"Damn it! He looked at her twice?"

11:15.

"And she moved closer to the table."

"They're so much better than him and Grey."

Breathe in. Out. And in.

"Dr Grey." Meredith spun around.

"Dr. Bailey. Hi."

Bailey crossed her arms and looked at Meredith with narrowed eyes. "Is there a reason why you are standing outside the gallery and not in it?"

Oh crap. "I…uh…I couldn't get a seat," Meredith finished weakly.

She leaned forward and looked into the gallery. "Dr. Grey, there are exactly thirteen seats available," she said with raised eyebrows.

Meredith leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. Breathe. "I can't go in there. I can't listen to them talk about me and about what a terrible person I am. I can't listen to them talk about the looks and the smiles. I can't watch him with someone else," Meredith whispered, sinking down to a sitting position, her knees pulled up.

Bailey stood with her hands on her hips cataloguing her former intern before sitting against the wall next to Meredith. "Grey, you've been in this hospital long enough to know that the gossip here spreads faster than disease. People can say things, but it doesn't make it true. And I know, Grey, that you are not a terrible person. But you can make some terrible choices."

Meredith smiled. Bailey stood up and tucked her charts under her arm. "Just make the right choice," she said, walking away.

"Dr. Bailey," Meredith called, standing up and brushing off the back of her scrubs. Bailey turned around. "Thanks."

Bailey smiled slightly. "Now you owe me Grey. Clinic time. With interns."

Meredith nodded and turned towards the gallery doorway. She was a resident. They were interns. She was confident. She was Meredith Grey. Whatever that meant.

11:23.

She sat on the last seat and was very aware that conversations stopped immediately when she entered the gallery.

The interns looked at each other, one looking like she was ready to burst with laughter. There was a reason why everybody hated interns so much.

"Say whatever you want to. Point and laugh. I don't care," Meredith said suddenly to the interns. She was surprised at herself. The intern who looked ready to laugh narrowed her eyes at Meredith and leaned back in her seat.

The familiar resonance of v-fib sounded and the interns leaned forward in their seats. As if moving in slow motion, Meredith watched Rose step forward and grab the paddles, securing them unsteadily onto the patient's chest. That was her job. Meredith would handle everything that Derek couldn't on his surgeries. That was not Rose's job. What did she even think she was doing? That was the job for the interns or residents, not nurses.

Flat line. The whole OR was silent as Derek and Rose's eyes connected. He gave her that look that she had always gotten from him. Call it, Meredith.

OR 2, a simple aneurysm clipping right before lunch. Just like they had done before on Katie Bryce. It had been smooth sailing, and all of a sudden, v-fib.

She had grabbed the paddles, not missing a beat, not needing him to tell her what to do. They were like that. She had charged up to three-fifty, done chest compressions, administered more drugs than she could remember and charged again. Nothing.

She had been working by herself for twenty minutes when she realized that the entire OR staff was looking at her like she was crazy. But not Derek. He had been watching her every move, and when she looked at him and let the paddles slip from her hands, he gave her a look that didn't need explaining.

Call it, Meredith.

"Time of death 11:31", she whispered before running out of the OR.

As if the interns could read her mind, one of them pressed the speaker button, the loud beeps and noises from the OR below coming alive. This was a joke. This was some kind of mistake.

Rose let the paddles drop from her hands and she looked straight at Derek.

"Time of death, 11:31," she whispered.

11:31.

Life was a joke. A sick and cruel joke. Meredith ran from the gallery, hearing Derek's voice speaking those words to her, even though he never had before.

Call it, Meredith.

MDMDMDMD

She needed a break. Running back and forth finding lab work and charts was exhausting. And thinking about a certain McDreamy and a certain flower. That was exhausting too.

She could go down to the basement. But Alex liked to chart there and she didn't want any of his comments of questions from him. She could go back to the resident's lounge, but she risked bumping into George or Izzie who either wanted her help about their problems which she wanted no part in or would also ask questions. Cristina was in surgery with Hahn, so she couldn't go and find her. She would be personally killed by Cristina if she did. There was the on-call room, but it really wasn't the same place without Derek.

Meredith walked across the sky bridge and looked out the massive glass windows. Outside. Derek. Derek and her outside on the benches. Their spot.

She walked quickly, feeling her footsteps lighten by knowing her destination. The doors of Seattle Grace slid open and Meredith walked quickly outside, ready to turn left.

Voices made her stop. Rose's voice made her stop.

"You couldn't have done anything," she said. Meredith always said that to him. Always.

Derek sighed. "He shouldn't have died. He just…he shouldn't have died."

"It just happens, Derek."

Rose was with Derek on their bench. Comforting him after his patient died. Saying the same words she always said to him.

It was just last week. He was sitting on the bench outside the hospital, his head in his hands. Meredith knew the look.

My patient's in a coma and he's never going to wake up again.

His best friend is in the waiting area.

Poor thing, thinks he's going to wake up any second.

There had been no need for words this time. No need for condolences or sweet words. Derek didn't need that. A simple gesture was enough.

She gently took his hand in hers and squeezed tight. She didn't know if he had felt it, but she had gotten a small shock when she slipped her hand into his. Static electricity.

Chemistry.

4:46. She had to find a new place to take a break. But walking aimlessly around the hospital, she couldn't find a place that would accept her.

MDMDMDMD

8:32. 8:33.

Time was moving slowly. The elevator on the right had stopped exactly 11 times and the one on the left had stopped 16 times. She had always liked the one on the left better.

They had left exactly half an hour ago. They had been running two minutes late apparently. Among the crowds of people waiting for the elevators, Meredith knew they wouldn't see her standing in the back.

But she saw them. She saw the way Derek put his hand on her back and ushered her into the elevator. She watched the way everyone around them sighed. She watched the way Derek looked at Rose. Not once did Derek notice her, standing alone in the bay once the crowd had filed into the elevator.

He didn't see her.

Meredith stood watching the light move on the numbers, indicating what floor the elevator was on. 1, 2, 3, open.

12 times for the right elevator. Still 16 for the left.

"Meredith?" Meredith didn't need to turn around. She knew the voice all too well.

"Lexie," she replied calmly.

"Meredith, what are you doing? You've been standing here for half an hour."

"You've been counting the minutes I've been standing here?" Meredith asked softly.

"No, the nurses have. They have a great view of the elevators, in case you didn't know."

Meredith looked at the numbers for the left elevator. 2, 3, open. 17 left, 12 right. "I have no where to go."

"Just go home," Lexie said.

Meredith shook her head. "Alex. He's in surgery and Izzie already left. I came with Alex this morning and he's still in surgery. And Derek can't take me home anymore. I have no one right now."

Lexie stepped forward and pressed the down button. "I'll take you home."

The right elevator opened. 13 times. How unlucky. Meredith stepped silently into the elevator and let Lexie press the button for the lobby.

The elevators. Besides the outside bench, the elevators were their place. Things always happened in the elevators. Between them, anyhow.

She had never really liked elevators. When she was six, her mother had taken them on a trip to Boston to perform surgery on a patient that couldn't be moved. Once Ellis was with her patient, she told Meredith to go down to the waiting area, be quiet and don't disturb the other doctors.

Somewhere between the second and third floor, the elevator stopped moving and the lights went off. Meredith tried pushing all the buttons, even the alarm like Ellis had taught her. She tried pulling the doors open. She tried banging on the doors. She resorted to screaming for help from other doctors and eventually crying. But none of that worked.

She had been stuck in the dark elevator in Boston General alone for five hours before someone realized the elevator wasn't working and got her out. Ever since then she hadn't liked elevators.

But Derek gave her a reason to.

So this line. Is it imaginary or do I need to get you a marker?

Do you want to go away with me this weekend?

48 uninterrupted hours of this.

Did I ask you to go out with me? Do you want to go out with me?

I miss you.

I can't.

The doors opened and Meredith stood rooted in her spot. She couldn't move.

"Meredith, lets go."

Meredith didn't move. She felt Lexie slip her arm through hers and pull her out of the elevator before the doors closed.

As the doors of Seattle Grace automatically slid open, the smell of the Seattle rain wafted around Meredith. Rain. How appropriate. Lexie and Meredith walked in silence to Lexie's car, Meredith vaguely aware that it was only her stepsister's support that was keeping her standing.

A black jeep. Lexie owned a black jeep. They were more alike than Meredith gave them credit for. Lexie helped Meredith into the passenger seat without saying a word. It wasn't her job to ask questions.

When Lexie turned the key in the ignition and backed out of her parking space, Meredith's eyes were first drawn to the clock on the dashboard. Small green numbers instead of big black ones on the wall.

8:35. 8:36.

"What am I doing?" Meredith asked quietly. She didn't even know whom she was talking to.

Lexie stole a glace at her sister. "You're going home."

Meredith sighed and leaned her head back against the seat. "I mean with my life. What am I doing?"

The car was silent. Lexie didn't know how to respond to that.

Meredith continued, her eyes closed. "I didn't want to end up like my mother. I didn't want to be emotionally crippled. I didn't want to end up alone. But yet here I am."

8:41.

Lexie stayed silent for the rest of the car ride, formulating words in her head. She put the car in park in front of Meredith's house, but neither one of them made a move to get out of the car.

"You know, you keep saying that you're alone," Lexie finally said, dropping her hands in her lap.

Meredith nodded, her eyes still closed.

"You keep saying you're alone," Lexie repeated. "But you're not. You've got so many friends who care about you. The chief is practically your father and Dr. Yang and Dr. Bailey actually like you." Lexie paused.

"And me. Even if you don't want to believe it, I am your sister, Meredith. If you need to talk to someone or need a ride home from work, there's always me."

Meredith opened her eyes slowly and looked at her sister. "Thank you, Lexie."

Lexie smiled slightly and shrugged. "I'm your sister," she said simply.

Meredith pushed open the car door but stopped before closing it. She was her sister. "I don't hate you, you know. I mean, I hated the idea of you at first, but you're pretty okay. If you need to get away from our dad or need any help with him, I'm here. You can come here," Meredith said and closed the door.

Lexie nodded and smiled before driving off.

Progress.

8:46.

MDMDMDMD

Meredith had sat on the couch for two hours staring at the wall. Izzie had asked her five times if she was okay before giving up and when Alex came home, he asked her twice.

She said she was fine.

10:45.

Memories had been running through her head like a slideshow. Bits and pieces from her life. Moments that made her life hers.

Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you.

This morning, I was going to come over and I was going to say…what I wanted to saw was…but now all I can say is I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for…ever.

I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime.

But Derek, I love you. In a really, really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, an unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me.

Pick me, choose me, love me.

I'm in love with you.

You're the love of my life.

I want to marry you.

Meredith stood up suddenly and ran out the door, grabbing her car keys from her jacket pocket. Once the rain started in Seattle, it never stopped.

She needed to talk to him. She needed to see him and tell him.

10:50.

I want to marry you.

MDMDMDMD

As she drew closer, questions ran through her head.

What if he wasn't there?

What if he was there with her?

What if she said the wrong thing?

What if he didn't listen?

What if she was too late?

Meredith pulled her car in park and looked around the land. No cars. Derek wasn't here. She sighed and went over to the trailer deck, looking into the windows. Nothing. The chief didn't even look like he was home.

She closed her eyes, sat on the steps of the deck and pulled her phone out of her jeans pocket. In little black numbers, Meredith could just about make out the time.

11:15.

Her fingers dialed the numbers, knowing exactly where to go. She could hear the dial tone six times before it went to voice mail.

This is Derek Shepherd, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Meredith breathed in deeply, smiling a little at hearing his voice. She could do this.

"Derek. It's me. So I know you're probably still out on your date, which is good. Because it's healthy, so that's good," Meredith paused and breathed, thinking of what she was going to say next. "I know I'm not pretty and maybe I act like I own the hospital and you're too good for me, so here's the thing. The thing is that I'm sorry. I'm…I'm just sorry for everything. And there's a second thing. If you had a good date with Rose you might want to delete this right now. Or if you didn't have a good date, you should probably still delete this now. Okay. I know this is bad timing. It's actually terrible timing and a really bad situation with me sitting out here in the rain. But Derek, I love you…and I just wanted you to know that. Bye." Meredith snapped her phone shut and closed her eyes. That was bad. That was so bad.

An electronic sound made Meredith's eyes open immediately.

She knew that sound and she knew that phone all too well.

Derek's phone. New message.

Crap.

His footsteps echoed as he walked across the deck and sat next to her on the stairs. They looked straight ahead, not once looking at each other.

"How much did you hear?' Meredith asked softly.

Derek shrugged. "Most of it. From the part where you said you weren't pretty. Which I disagree with, by the way."

They were silent.

"How was your date with Rose?" Meredith asked eventually.

"I was wondering if you were going to ask about that." Derek stopped, trying to find words. "It was…it was good. But it was different."

For the first time that night, Meredith leaned forward and looked at Derek.

"Different than what?"

Derek sighed. "I took her to that steakhouse on Main. The one that we like to go to. And she ordered a salad."

"Maybe she wasn't hungry," Meredith murmured, understanding his meaning completely. When you go to a steakhouse, you order steak.

Derek shrugged again. "Maybe. But all I was thinking was that we were at the steakhouse and she ordered a salad, which she had a total of three bites out of."

Derek hesitated, tossing his phone between his hands.

"The whole time," he said quietly, "Rose never stopped talking about her father. They had this bond, and never stopped talking about him. And when she asked me about mine, I just didn't know what to say."

Meredith stretched her legs out and felt the cold raindrops seep through her jeans.

"And when I leaned in to kiss her good night, her hair smelled like…I think it was rose or some sort of flower," Derek shook his head. "But it wasn't lavender."

Derek watched the rain pour on the ground. It didn't fall straight down, he realized. It slanted slightly.

"She wasn't you. She didn't order a steak and eat from my plate as well, she had boring conversation topics and her hair didn't smell like lavender." He looked straight into Meredith's eyes. "She wasn't you, Mer, and I don't want anybody but you."

Meredith held Derek's gaze in silence before looking back out into the rain. Her jeans were entirely soaked through.

"I was thinking about you the whole day. I can't go anywhere in the hospital without thinking about you."

Derek nodded and looked down at his cell phone.

11:28.

"So, what does this mean?" he asked, turning to her. Déjà vu.

Meredith's eyes met Derek's. She hesitated before slipping her arm around his neck and kissing him deeply. Her eyelids dropped and two tears slipped out, trickling their way down her cheeks.

When they pulled apart, Meredith let her hand drop to her lap, and Derek gently pulled her hair away from her eyes.

"We're taking it slow," she said. Derek smiled and stood up, pushing open the door of the trailer and ushering her in with his hand on her back.

"We're taking it slow,' he agreed.

11:31.

Author's Note: So. My first fanfic. It was fun writing, and hopefully enjoyable reading. Please leave me a review if you have time, good or bad, I would love any of your comments. Thanks so much for reading, and if anybody enjoyed this, please let me know if I should continue writing because I have so many more ideas, if anyone is interested.