The crisp grass crunches under our boots, the cold fall morning providing a layer of frost to the dying ground. Our steps are in sync as we come to the start of the sidewalk leading to our house from the driveway. We both sigh deeply and join hands. This is arguably the hardest part of all the events that have lead us to this day. We walk up the twenty some foot long sidewalk, bracing ourselves for the next few minutes. The neglected floorboards of the porch screech in pain from their abandonment. Green vines engulfing parts of the porch remind me how long it has truly been since we've returned. I squeeze Sara's hand a little tighter, then pull her into a hug. "I love you Sare. This will be hard but it's the only way to get our lives back. We will get through this."
Sara nods and squeezes my body tighter before leaving our embrace and moves to the door. She looks down and nods slowly, "We will get through this," she repeats to herself. Her hand turns the knob to enter the house. A wave of sadness and nostalgia hits me, drowning me in all our memories. A sob almost makes its way through my mouth, I feel like I can't breathe. Tears fill up my eyes, my body feels weak and my heart feels heavy. Too heavy, like at any moment it will fall through my body and into the earth. Through pursed lips, I draw in a heavy and unsteady breath, hoping my lungs will take in the air and stop rejecting it.
Everything is exactly where we left it, only now a layer of dust has collected on every surface. My eyes scan the room, unfolded blanket on the couch from when we watched cartoons that morning. Shoes by the door that weren't put away that night. Record player still holding the album we played the night before, Siamese Dream by the Smashing Pumpkins. Whatever family that has been by in the limited visits since have cleaned up the dishes from that day's lunch, picked up a few toys on the ground and turned off all the lights.
It's silent, no laughter or good music cracking on vinyl, no silly voices or sounds of happy people living in a happy home. No, things are different now, we aren't happy people in a happy home anymore.
The sadness builds inside of me as the effects of these minutes are having on my life. Tegan, you can't wake up from this, you can't run away, this is your life now. It's been four months and those words have yet to sink in. I walk over to the sofa, grabbing the blanket that smells so much like the home I remember. It smells like us, somehow it has maintained the scent while the rest of the house smells unfamiliar and cold. Through deep breaths of inhaling the blanket I begin to relax.
"Still smell good?" Sara startled me slightly, talking for the first time since we've entered our house. I nod sadly and hand it to her, giving her a hug as she embraces the smell of our past life.
I pull her hand to bring us toward the stairs. "C'mon, we need to get this over with."
We walk slowly up the staircase, each of us mentally preparing for the next minute or two. We walk towards our room, the large master bedroom looking no different than the day we left it. Bed still made exactly how Sara and I did that morning. Drawers of the dresser are cracked open from family coming to gather our clothing. Sara walks over to the bed and sits down, "Ya know, I've missed this bed and I can't wait to be sleeping in it with you again."
I smile at Sara's optimism through this shitty situation. After a moment of getting comfortable with our room again, we leave to the room down the hall.
The sign on the door took a swing at my heart. I grip the handle and swallow loudly, this is going to hurt. I open the door slowly as I again drown in these waves, these relentlessly pounding and harsh waves of hurt and anger, loss and confusion. My breath is getting hard to maintain again. Bed made, stuffed animals arranged with care surrounding the side against the wall. My fingers trace the name on the toy chest. P-E-Y-T-O-N. Tears drop from my eyes and onto the wooden case. I spot the picture on his nightstand, a picture of the three of us. He's on my shoulders at the aquarium, we all have huge smiles on our faces. "Remember this?"
Sara laugh- sobs, wiping her tears and smiling meekly. "His favorite place. God, look how happy he was."
Sara grabbed his favorite bear off the bed, a green giraffe I got for him when he was sick last spring. The giraffe smells like him too still. The pile of folded clothes on his dresser catches my attention. I hold up a shirt from the top of the stack. It's so small, he was so young. It feels like we just had him. Rage, I feel rage and anger. How such a young and innocent life could be taken away. We had so much time, then one day it was all taken. All the birthdays, the big milestones, the goofy things he would've done and said. Just like that, taken with no warning or reason.
We leave the room with a few things to comfort us while we're here. I close the door, leaving it how I found it. We walk with sorrow as we go back down stairs. This. This is what will shatter my entire being.
My vision feels false as we walk through the kitchen. All I'm able to process is the sound of our shoes on the floor. Sara turns around before walking out to the patio and hugs me harder than I think she ever has. "I love you Tee. I love you so much. We will get through this."
I smile at her words of affirmation, yes we will, no matter how hard it gets. We sigh and walk again, the door to the patio coming into view. Here comes the pain, the regret, the sadness. My world spins around quickly, I clutch Sara's hand as she clutches mine. I cannot breathe, I cannot think, I cannot live. Scenes flash by me like images on an old projector. My hearing is shallow and hard to decipher.
I'm living in the moment my world crashed.
This is where it all ended.
This is where our happy life came to a screeching halt.
This is where we broke to a point of no return.
This is where our boy died.
Where the proof of our love took his lasts breath.
Where Peyton tried to reach for his ball that rolled into the pool.
Where he remembered he can't swim.
Where we walked into the house to grab drinks.
Where a minute changed our lives.
Where paramedics tried to save him.
Where they did CPR and tried to get him breathing.
Where they called his time of death.
Yes, this is where we lost our world. He was our boy, the beautiful and kind summation of our years together. The proof we brought into this world that we fell and we fell hard. Since we met in college, I've been falling for Sara every day of my life since that first day of Intro to Calc. We made the most beautiful thing in the universe as the product of our love. We may have lost our boy, but we haven't lost our love. I haven't lost my Sara. Yes, we had our lives flipped. But, we will make it through this. We will remember out beautiful boy every day and never take another moment for granted. Yes, our Peyton died here, but this is where our love will flourish again one day. No, this won't be easy, but we will make it through.