~*Seki Rei*~
Disclaimer: All the characters, places, and such mentioned in this fic are the property of J.K. Rowling. I own nothing and am in no way getting paid for this story. The lyrics are property of Gackt Camui, and the English translation was found at http://www.senshigakuen.com/translations/lyrics/gackt/. If this story bears any resemblance to stories written by others, that is purely coincidental. No infringement is intended.
A/N: Yes, this obviously contains OotP spoilers, so watch out if you've not read the book. (And if you haven't - shame on you! Go read! Now! XD) Dedicated to Whit-Sis, for introducing me to the wonderful fandom of Remus/Tonks! ^_____^
~*:*~
Lying flat on his back. Staring up at the stars. Panting. Breathing. Trying to...remember. And at the same time, trying to forget.
Was it over now? Long fingers reached up slowly, shakily, to touch his face, to reassure himself that it was once again in its normal form.
A soft hiss escaped his lips as he attempted to rise to a sitting position. He'd almost forgotten how much it hurt...but right now, all he could focus on was how much he wanted the pain.
He could escape from reality when he transformed. Even if it was merely to delve into physical pain, it was better than the mental anguish, the demons constantly hounding him.
And in wolf form, he could have sworn he heard a howling not his own, something calling to him and him alone. The sound was borne on the wind, and though he couldn't locate the source, memories buried deep within him told him what it was.
Even back in his human state, he could still hear the memories echoing and reverberating through his brain.
I'm going crazy, he decided finally. It's all getting to me. Of all things, why do I have to be tortured with this?
He buried his face in his hands, noticing for the first time the blood soaking his chest as he looked down. He didn't pay it any heed, didn't bother to care. There were too many other things to focus on.
"Damn, Padfoot," he whispered quietly. "Things...shouldn't have happened this way..."
And with that, his voice broke, and Remus Lupin wept.
~*I heard the voice of the wind
I want to know the rest of the dream
No one will tell me
My chest was smeared red...*~
Pain. Falling back into the pain once more. Oh God, he'd take a thousand transformations over this. Why couldn't everything just stop?
"Remus?"
A distraction. Thank the Lord for that.
He managed to turn his head, and saw Nymphadora Tonks standing quietly at the edge of the clearing in which he had collapsed. Her face, from what he could see from this distance, was tightened heavily with worry. He repositioned himself a bit on the grass to get a better view of her, and earned himself a sharp gasp from the woman.
"Remus! What happened to you?" She ran across the clearing to him - somehow managing not to fall on her way - and dropped down to her knees once she had reached his side.
Remus shook his head quietly, managing a thin smile. "I'm all right, Tonks. It's nothing I haven't dealt with before. What're you doing out here?"
Tonks slipped off her jacket, folding it neatly and pressing it against his chest in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Her eyes, however, never left his. "I realised you were gone...and then I realised..." She swallowed. "I saw the moon. And I figured out where you were." Pain and worry darkened eyes which had began to shimmer faintly with tears. "Why didn't you stay? You would have been safe with us, with your medication..."
"I wanted to transform."
His blunt, quiet admission took her by surprise, and Tonks blinked slowly at him. "You...wanted to? I thought..."
"That it was painful? Unpleasant?"
Tonks looked away, swallowing again. "Yeah."
Remus reached up, gently tilting her chin up with his hand and forcing her to meet his eyes. "That's why I wanted to."
"I don't understand..."
He sighed. "The pain gave me something else to focus on. I'd rather deal with the raw physical pain of a transformation than the...mental pain I've been dealing with." He'd told no one else this...but somehow, he found himself able to share it with her.
But before Tonks had a chance to reply, his eyes raked over her sharply. "Wait a minute. You knew I was transforming - and you came after me anyway?"
"'Course I did. I was worried about you."
Remus gaped at her. "Do you have any idea what a fully transformed werewolf is like?"
Tonks let out a faintly exasperated sigh. "Yes - I'm not stupid. But I was worried."
At her words, his gray eyes widened even more, and shock chased wonderment across his face. "You risked a meeting with a werewolf because you were worried about me?"
Tonks' face coloured ever so slightly. "What did you expect? You're my friend. I didn't like the thought of you out...by yourself...unprotected." Her voice softened, lowering. "Like that."
She wasn't prepared to see tears rising in his eyes, and she hurriedly reached out to gently brush one from his cheek. "What'd I say? I didn't mean to upset you!"
Remus gently lifted her hand from his cheek, covering it with his own and squeezing lightly. "You didn't, Tonks, not at all. I just...I didn't..."
Finding himself at a sudden loss for words, he reached out and pulled her into his arms, enveloping her in a fierce hug.
A second later, she flung her arms around his back, clinging to him just as tightly, not seeming to care at all about the blood staining her clothing. Her breathing tickled the side of his neck, and he decided she understood.
~*I want only you to understand
Why I must return...*~
She finally pulled back after a few moments, looking almost comically bashful. But the minute a faint smile worked its way onto his face, her expression shifted to a happier one. Tonks smiled back, squeezing his hand tightly.
A quiet moment passed between the two, and for just a second, Remus could almost forget what had happened and just bask in the warmth of simple companionship.
But as a shaft of moonlit splashed over her face, he was suddenly reminded.
Remus gently laced his fingers with hers, speaking to her quietly. "I want you to understand exactly why I did this..."
Tonks shook her head, forestalling his explanation. "Remus, I think I already know. The pain is an escape for you. And I see why you would rather deal with this than - than everything else." Her free hand reached out to tuck a strand of graying hair behind his ear. "I just wish things were different..."
"It's hard," he said quietly, turning away while still keeping his grip on her hand. "Watching all of your friends fall, one by one... I'm the only one left now. James - murdered. Peter - turned traitor. Sirius - murdered... It's just me." He swallowed hard against a sob. "And God help me, I miss them so damn much..."
He turned back to look at her, his face now becoming streaked with tears. "It's just starting to hit me that I'm really alone, with all of them gone... Sometimes it's almost as though they're calling me, and I can hear their voices, but I can't understand what it is they're trying to tell me. Or maybe I'm just going insane. I have no idea anymore.
"At least the transformations provide clarity. I know what I'm dealing with there, even if it is pain. I feel like I'm slipping farther and farther away from everything, like I'm going after them soon. I needed an escape from it all."
~*Far off in this endlessly continuing white earth
My voice that's crying out can no longer reach anyone
Like it's concealing this body's pains
I'm embraced by kindness from the sky...*~
Tonks had been watching him with wide eyes, and when she finally spoke, her words sent a jolt running through his body.
"Remus...don't. Don't follow them. I know you miss them, but there's still a life for you here..." She choked on a sob, suddenly unable to look at him, and her voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. "Don't leave me..."
Before he even had a chance to reply, she threw her arms around him, clinging to him tightly. She stayed that way for several minutes, face buried in his neck, with him too stunned to respond.
Finally, she pulled back, eyes shining brightly with tears. "I'm sorry. But I don't want to lose you..."
Remus looked into her eyes and saw a thousand emotions shimmering there, as well as reflections of the moon shining in her light green orbs. For the first time, he began to see beauty in the moon, and even more in the young woman kneeling across from him.
This eternal night, this struggle, was far from over, but he sensed that for just a moment there would be refuge.
~*The moon reflected in those eyes is pretty
Even as the night is not finished*~
"Shh, Tonks." His hand reached out, almost of its own accord, to tenderly brush the tears from her face. "I don't plan on going anywhere just yet."
"You say that now," she murmured. "But I hear the desperation in your voice, I see it in your eyes. How much more before you're pushed to the edge?"
"Who's to say I'm not already at the edge, or beyond?"
That gave her a start, and she gripped his hand fiercely. "No. You're not. If you were...you wouldn't be here with us now. You're going to be okay, Remus. I swear it. You're gonna make it through this. You hear me?"
Remus managed a smile for her, but it only served to further emphasis the sad lines crossing his face. "Yes, I'm going to make it through this. I have to. I have to keep fighting. If I don't, if we don't win, everything they died for will be in vain. And I can't bear the thought of that. So for as long as this war lasts, I'm here. I'm fighting."
His careful choice of words didn't escape Tonks' notice. "'For as long as this war lasts'? What about after it ends, Remus?"
"If I'm still here when it's over, if it ever is over...then we'll see."
"You will be here. You have to be." A stubborn determination flashed in her eyes, which quickly softened to a mixture of pure trust and affection. "I need you to be."
His short laugh was bitter and sharp. "Please, Tonks, be reasonable. Getting yourself attached to me is only going to hurt you in the end. The evidence is all around us." He waved his hand wildly, as though indicating ghosts nearby that only he could see. "I don't want you to end up like...like them."
Tonks gripped his arm tightly, as though afraid he would suddenly vanish to some place where she could not follow. "And I don't want you to end up like them either. No matter what you say, I'm not going to give up on you, Remus."
Remus looked away, almost frightened by the caring he saw in her eyes. "Don't waste your time, Tonks. If this is my fate, there's nothing anyone can do to change it."
~*Far off in this endlessly continuing white earth
My voice that's crying out can no longer reach anyone
Deeply in this endlessly continuing white earth
I'm still falling and cannot be healed by anyone*~
"And what if this isn't your fate? You can't write yourself off as dead while your heart still beats..." A moment later, she had shifted on the grass so that she was directly in front of him, forcing him to meet her eyes. Her hand rested lightly on his chest, directly over his heart. "You've still got a heartbeat, Remus. You still have a chance. And you can't give up on yourself. I'm sure as hell not."
"I'm scared, Tonks," he whispered softly, not sure if he had spoken the words or merely let them echo through his mind for the millionth time since this had all began. Either way, she seemed to understand, and as Remus reached his hand up to gently cover hers with his own, her fingers twined with his.
"I'm scared, too. But there are still spots of safety, if you know where to look..." She looked into his eyes, a bit hesitantly, and slowly opened her arms to him.
A moment later, he accepted her offer and buried himself in her embrace, holding to her tightly.
How long had it been? How long since he'd been held, touched in a comforting way?
Since he'd felt safe?
Without realizing it, he clung to her with all of his fading strength. His grip was nearly crushing, but she didn't breathe a single protest, burying her face into his neck. She seemed to draw as much comfort from him as he did from her.
Tonks didn't say a word, but merely let him cry.
~*Like being enveloped in that small body
I'm embraced by the wagtail's kindness...*~
Time ceased and the moon halted in its phases. Everything stood still save for the beating of their two hearts...
Battered and heavy, but still pressing on.
Finally, Remus withdrew himself from her embrace, body shuddering still with now-repressed sobs. He stretched himself out on the grass next to her, staring blankly up at the moon, reflected in those large haunted eyes and the tears clinging to his lashes and cheeks. "I'm sorry..." he whispered hoarsely. "I shouldn't have let everything out on you like that..."
"Yes, you very well should have, and you know it," Tonks chided gently. "You needed to get it all out, and I needed to be able to help you because seeing you like this hurts like hell. So no complaining. And no hesitating if you feel the need to do it again, either."
Remus managed a weak smile. "All right...and it's mutual, you know. If you ever need to, you have arms to cry in."
Tonks smiled back. "Good." She giggled faintly. "You're pretty comfy."
Remus blinked, startled, then smiled again, more strongly than before. "So're you." He wasn't quite sure why or how it happened, but a moment later he had his head resting lightly in her lap.
She didn't seem to object at all, her hand reaching out to softly brush the tears from his cheeks, and then twine in his hair.
"You're pretty comfy yourself."
Looking up into her face, he read surprise, amusement, pleasure, and something else he couldn't quite define. But he'd figure it out someday.
And if the slight tendrils of warmth curling in his chest were any indication...
Maybe, just maybe, things were going to be all right.
~*I lie with the kindness from the sky
And am embraced by the earth's warmth...*~
Disclaimer: All the characters, places, and such mentioned in this fic are the property of J.K. Rowling. I own nothing and am in no way getting paid for this story. The lyrics are property of Gackt Camui, and the English translation was found at http://www.senshigakuen.com/translations/lyrics/gackt/. If this story bears any resemblance to stories written by others, that is purely coincidental. No infringement is intended.
A/N: Yes, this obviously contains OotP spoilers, so watch out if you've not read the book. (And if you haven't - shame on you! Go read! Now! XD) Dedicated to Whit-Sis, for introducing me to the wonderful fandom of Remus/Tonks! ^_____^
~*:*~
Lying flat on his back. Staring up at the stars. Panting. Breathing. Trying to...remember. And at the same time, trying to forget.
Was it over now? Long fingers reached up slowly, shakily, to touch his face, to reassure himself that it was once again in its normal form.
A soft hiss escaped his lips as he attempted to rise to a sitting position. He'd almost forgotten how much it hurt...but right now, all he could focus on was how much he wanted the pain.
He could escape from reality when he transformed. Even if it was merely to delve into physical pain, it was better than the mental anguish, the demons constantly hounding him.
And in wolf form, he could have sworn he heard a howling not his own, something calling to him and him alone. The sound was borne on the wind, and though he couldn't locate the source, memories buried deep within him told him what it was.
Even back in his human state, he could still hear the memories echoing and reverberating through his brain.
I'm going crazy, he decided finally. It's all getting to me. Of all things, why do I have to be tortured with this?
He buried his face in his hands, noticing for the first time the blood soaking his chest as he looked down. He didn't pay it any heed, didn't bother to care. There were too many other things to focus on.
"Damn, Padfoot," he whispered quietly. "Things...shouldn't have happened this way..."
And with that, his voice broke, and Remus Lupin wept.
~*I heard the voice of the wind
I want to know the rest of the dream
No one will tell me
My chest was smeared red...*~
Pain. Falling back into the pain once more. Oh God, he'd take a thousand transformations over this. Why couldn't everything just stop?
"Remus?"
A distraction. Thank the Lord for that.
He managed to turn his head, and saw Nymphadora Tonks standing quietly at the edge of the clearing in which he had collapsed. Her face, from what he could see from this distance, was tightened heavily with worry. He repositioned himself a bit on the grass to get a better view of her, and earned himself a sharp gasp from the woman.
"Remus! What happened to you?" She ran across the clearing to him - somehow managing not to fall on her way - and dropped down to her knees once she had reached his side.
Remus shook his head quietly, managing a thin smile. "I'm all right, Tonks. It's nothing I haven't dealt with before. What're you doing out here?"
Tonks slipped off her jacket, folding it neatly and pressing it against his chest in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Her eyes, however, never left his. "I realised you were gone...and then I realised..." She swallowed. "I saw the moon. And I figured out where you were." Pain and worry darkened eyes which had began to shimmer faintly with tears. "Why didn't you stay? You would have been safe with us, with your medication..."
"I wanted to transform."
His blunt, quiet admission took her by surprise, and Tonks blinked slowly at him. "You...wanted to? I thought..."
"That it was painful? Unpleasant?"
Tonks looked away, swallowing again. "Yeah."
Remus reached up, gently tilting her chin up with his hand and forcing her to meet his eyes. "That's why I wanted to."
"I don't understand..."
He sighed. "The pain gave me something else to focus on. I'd rather deal with the raw physical pain of a transformation than the...mental pain I've been dealing with." He'd told no one else this...but somehow, he found himself able to share it with her.
But before Tonks had a chance to reply, his eyes raked over her sharply. "Wait a minute. You knew I was transforming - and you came after me anyway?"
"'Course I did. I was worried about you."
Remus gaped at her. "Do you have any idea what a fully transformed werewolf is like?"
Tonks let out a faintly exasperated sigh. "Yes - I'm not stupid. But I was worried."
At her words, his gray eyes widened even more, and shock chased wonderment across his face. "You risked a meeting with a werewolf because you were worried about me?"
Tonks' face coloured ever so slightly. "What did you expect? You're my friend. I didn't like the thought of you out...by yourself...unprotected." Her voice softened, lowering. "Like that."
She wasn't prepared to see tears rising in his eyes, and she hurriedly reached out to gently brush one from his cheek. "What'd I say? I didn't mean to upset you!"
Remus gently lifted her hand from his cheek, covering it with his own and squeezing lightly. "You didn't, Tonks, not at all. I just...I didn't..."
Finding himself at a sudden loss for words, he reached out and pulled her into his arms, enveloping her in a fierce hug.
A second later, she flung her arms around his back, clinging to him just as tightly, not seeming to care at all about the blood staining her clothing. Her breathing tickled the side of his neck, and he decided she understood.
~*I want only you to understand
Why I must return...*~
She finally pulled back after a few moments, looking almost comically bashful. But the minute a faint smile worked its way onto his face, her expression shifted to a happier one. Tonks smiled back, squeezing his hand tightly.
A quiet moment passed between the two, and for just a second, Remus could almost forget what had happened and just bask in the warmth of simple companionship.
But as a shaft of moonlit splashed over her face, he was suddenly reminded.
Remus gently laced his fingers with hers, speaking to her quietly. "I want you to understand exactly why I did this..."
Tonks shook her head, forestalling his explanation. "Remus, I think I already know. The pain is an escape for you. And I see why you would rather deal with this than - than everything else." Her free hand reached out to tuck a strand of graying hair behind his ear. "I just wish things were different..."
"It's hard," he said quietly, turning away while still keeping his grip on her hand. "Watching all of your friends fall, one by one... I'm the only one left now. James - murdered. Peter - turned traitor. Sirius - murdered... It's just me." He swallowed hard against a sob. "And God help me, I miss them so damn much..."
He turned back to look at her, his face now becoming streaked with tears. "It's just starting to hit me that I'm really alone, with all of them gone... Sometimes it's almost as though they're calling me, and I can hear their voices, but I can't understand what it is they're trying to tell me. Or maybe I'm just going insane. I have no idea anymore.
"At least the transformations provide clarity. I know what I'm dealing with there, even if it is pain. I feel like I'm slipping farther and farther away from everything, like I'm going after them soon. I needed an escape from it all."
~*Far off in this endlessly continuing white earth
My voice that's crying out can no longer reach anyone
Like it's concealing this body's pains
I'm embraced by kindness from the sky...*~
Tonks had been watching him with wide eyes, and when she finally spoke, her words sent a jolt running through his body.
"Remus...don't. Don't follow them. I know you miss them, but there's still a life for you here..." She choked on a sob, suddenly unable to look at him, and her voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. "Don't leave me..."
Before he even had a chance to reply, she threw her arms around him, clinging to him tightly. She stayed that way for several minutes, face buried in his neck, with him too stunned to respond.
Finally, she pulled back, eyes shining brightly with tears. "I'm sorry. But I don't want to lose you..."
Remus looked into her eyes and saw a thousand emotions shimmering there, as well as reflections of the moon shining in her light green orbs. For the first time, he began to see beauty in the moon, and even more in the young woman kneeling across from him.
This eternal night, this struggle, was far from over, but he sensed that for just a moment there would be refuge.
~*The moon reflected in those eyes is pretty
Even as the night is not finished*~
"Shh, Tonks." His hand reached out, almost of its own accord, to tenderly brush the tears from her face. "I don't plan on going anywhere just yet."
"You say that now," she murmured. "But I hear the desperation in your voice, I see it in your eyes. How much more before you're pushed to the edge?"
"Who's to say I'm not already at the edge, or beyond?"
That gave her a start, and she gripped his hand fiercely. "No. You're not. If you were...you wouldn't be here with us now. You're going to be okay, Remus. I swear it. You're gonna make it through this. You hear me?"
Remus managed a smile for her, but it only served to further emphasis the sad lines crossing his face. "Yes, I'm going to make it through this. I have to. I have to keep fighting. If I don't, if we don't win, everything they died for will be in vain. And I can't bear the thought of that. So for as long as this war lasts, I'm here. I'm fighting."
His careful choice of words didn't escape Tonks' notice. "'For as long as this war lasts'? What about after it ends, Remus?"
"If I'm still here when it's over, if it ever is over...then we'll see."
"You will be here. You have to be." A stubborn determination flashed in her eyes, which quickly softened to a mixture of pure trust and affection. "I need you to be."
His short laugh was bitter and sharp. "Please, Tonks, be reasonable. Getting yourself attached to me is only going to hurt you in the end. The evidence is all around us." He waved his hand wildly, as though indicating ghosts nearby that only he could see. "I don't want you to end up like...like them."
Tonks gripped his arm tightly, as though afraid he would suddenly vanish to some place where she could not follow. "And I don't want you to end up like them either. No matter what you say, I'm not going to give up on you, Remus."
Remus looked away, almost frightened by the caring he saw in her eyes. "Don't waste your time, Tonks. If this is my fate, there's nothing anyone can do to change it."
~*Far off in this endlessly continuing white earth
My voice that's crying out can no longer reach anyone
Deeply in this endlessly continuing white earth
I'm still falling and cannot be healed by anyone*~
"And what if this isn't your fate? You can't write yourself off as dead while your heart still beats..." A moment later, she had shifted on the grass so that she was directly in front of him, forcing him to meet her eyes. Her hand rested lightly on his chest, directly over his heart. "You've still got a heartbeat, Remus. You still have a chance. And you can't give up on yourself. I'm sure as hell not."
"I'm scared, Tonks," he whispered softly, not sure if he had spoken the words or merely let them echo through his mind for the millionth time since this had all began. Either way, she seemed to understand, and as Remus reached his hand up to gently cover hers with his own, her fingers twined with his.
"I'm scared, too. But there are still spots of safety, if you know where to look..." She looked into his eyes, a bit hesitantly, and slowly opened her arms to him.
A moment later, he accepted her offer and buried himself in her embrace, holding to her tightly.
How long had it been? How long since he'd been held, touched in a comforting way?
Since he'd felt safe?
Without realizing it, he clung to her with all of his fading strength. His grip was nearly crushing, but she didn't breathe a single protest, burying her face into his neck. She seemed to draw as much comfort from him as he did from her.
Tonks didn't say a word, but merely let him cry.
~*Like being enveloped in that small body
I'm embraced by the wagtail's kindness...*~
Time ceased and the moon halted in its phases. Everything stood still save for the beating of their two hearts...
Battered and heavy, but still pressing on.
Finally, Remus withdrew himself from her embrace, body shuddering still with now-repressed sobs. He stretched himself out on the grass next to her, staring blankly up at the moon, reflected in those large haunted eyes and the tears clinging to his lashes and cheeks. "I'm sorry..." he whispered hoarsely. "I shouldn't have let everything out on you like that..."
"Yes, you very well should have, and you know it," Tonks chided gently. "You needed to get it all out, and I needed to be able to help you because seeing you like this hurts like hell. So no complaining. And no hesitating if you feel the need to do it again, either."
Remus managed a weak smile. "All right...and it's mutual, you know. If you ever need to, you have arms to cry in."
Tonks smiled back. "Good." She giggled faintly. "You're pretty comfy."
Remus blinked, startled, then smiled again, more strongly than before. "So're you." He wasn't quite sure why or how it happened, but a moment later he had his head resting lightly in her lap.
She didn't seem to object at all, her hand reaching out to softly brush the tears from his cheeks, and then twine in his hair.
"You're pretty comfy yourself."
Looking up into her face, he read surprise, amusement, pleasure, and something else he couldn't quite define. But he'd figure it out someday.
And if the slight tendrils of warmth curling in his chest were any indication...
Maybe, just maybe, things were going to be all right.
~*I lie with the kindness from the sky
And am embraced by the earth's warmth...*~