The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone out to eat. Just some madness coming from my tiny little mind while waiting for the new season of Archer.
Everybody Comes To Grizzlebee's
"Bored…" Archer groaned as he twirled around in a chair in the bullpen. "Bored, bored, bored…"
"Bored," Ray did the same in another chair.
"Taking a break…" Krieger twirled around in another chair. "Taking a break. Not bored. Just taking a break."
"Doing what?" Ray asked as he stopped. "Oh second thought, don't tell me. I don't want to know."
"Krieger's lab is like a letter from the IRS," Archer admitted. "You don't know what's in it but you know it can't be good."
"Are you idiots trying to ruin my chairs again?" Cyril stormed out. Archer and the others went back to twirling.
"Yes," Archer, Ray and Krieger said at the same time.
"Now I know you people are screwing with me," Cyril groaned.
"It took you this long to figure it out huh?" Lana sighed as she walked in. "By the way, Cheryl's passed out in the copy room again."
"Honestly Lana," Cyril sighed. "After her contribution to the Double Indecency incident, maybe long periods of Cheryl being unconscious isn't the worst thing in the world?"
"Especially for the arson squad," Ray quipped. "They need a break."
"Well we're not getting a break," Pam walked in.
"Oh God what fresh hell happened this time?" Cyril groaned.
"Remember a few days ago?" Pam asked. "When we saw that movie based on our lives?"
"When the breeze is right I can still smell the smoke down the street," Cyril remarked. "Yes!"
"It is such a nice homey smell isn't it?" Krieger asked cheerfully. "I see why Cheryl is so into fire."
"I see why you were so attracted to her for a while," Archer groaned. "What's your point Pam?"
"Remember how bad we felt and the only thing that was any consolation was that there was a slight chance that people wouldn't know it was really us?" Pam groaned.
"Yes," Cyril said. "Where is this going?"
"On Me Tube," Pam groaned.
"Is that like You…?" Archer began.
"It's comparable," Pam told him. "It's the newer hipper trendier version. And guess what's on it?"
"Please let it not be the Fourth of Ju-Luau," Lana groaned.
"No, not that one," Pam sighed.
"The Chinese New Year disaster?" Ray asked.
"Nope," Pam sighed.
"The Bi-Earth Day Party?" Krieger asked.
"Not that one either," Pam said.
"One of the Christmas parties from Hell?" Lana tried again.
"Not even close," Pam groaned.
"The Cinco De Mayo Massacre?" Ray asked.
"It was just one guy that died Ray!" Archer snapped. "One guy dying does not constitute a massacre!"
"And it's not that one either," Pam added.
"Well you're going to have to narrow it down for us Pam!" Archer snapped.
"Way down," Ray groaned.
"Krieger's birthday party," Pam folded her arms. "At Grizzlebee's."
"Well that doesn't sound so bad," Archer shrugged. "I don't even remember that one."
Everyone glared at Archer. "What?" Archer asked.
"You don't remember?" Lana's voice grew cold. "You don't remember what happened?"
"Think for a moment Archer," Cyril said. "If you can. Krieger's birthday party."
"At Grizzlebee's," Pam said. "Granted Krieger and your mother also played a role in the disaster. But you had the biggest part."
"Phrasing!" Ray said.
"That doesn't count," Archer said.
"It does in this case," Ray said.
"What?" Archer asked. "What did I do?"
"More like who you did," Cyril said.
"Spoiler alert," Lana growled. "Two of the waitresses! AT THE SAME TIME!"
"So?" Archer snorted.
"So you and I were dating then," Lana glared at him. "This was before we broke up! RIGHT BEFORE WE BROKE UP!"
"Ohhhhh," Archer winced.
"Pam roll the clip," Krieger groaned.
"Already got it cued up on the big screen," Pam pushed the buttons to reveal the screen on the wall.
The clip was showing members of the spy agency back in the day at a brightly colored restaurant. The title underneath the clip said: IDIOTS PARTYING AT GRIZZLEBEE'S.
"Why were we at Grizzlebee's?" Archer blinked.
"Because Krieger wanted to go there," Lana said. "He set up the party."
"He set up his own birthday party?" Archer asked.
"Well I knew none of you would do it!" Krieger snapped.
"Hey there's Bilbo!" Archer pointed. "Stuffing his fat face. Remember Bilbo?"
"Yes, Archer we remember…" Lana groaned.
"And there's his friend what's his face?" Archer pointed to another fat man next to him. "Who was he?"
"That was…" Pam began.
"Erriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!" Archer on screen drunkenly sauntered over. He had a bottle of scotch in his hand. "How's it hanging Big Boy?!" He slapped the large man on the back.
"URK!" Eric then started choking on screen. Then he passed out on the table in the middle of a giant pile of cheese covered fries.
"Apparently Archers slapping people to death is genetic," Ray gave Archer a look.
"The first of three people dying at that party," Pam groaned. "God the paperwork was a mess."
"Three people died?" Archer did a double take. "How…?"
"You'll see," Ray pointed.
There was a shot on screen of Pam, Lana and Mallory sitting at a table. Pam was eating a fried onion loaded with toppings. Lana was picking at a sandwich. Mallory was sitting there drinking a scotch with a sour look on her face.
"These Onion Bursts are pretty bitchin'," Pam chomped on one.
"Ugh…" Mallory looked at the food in distain. "And what's with the idiot in the bear costume with a video camera?"
"Krieger hired some guy to tape his birthday party," Lana said.
"Krieger set up his own birthday party?" Mallory asked. "Figures. Pam what abomination to the culinary world are you stuffing in your gullet now?"
"It's an Onion Burst. It's triple fried and has honey maple ranch dipping sauce," Pam grinned.
"My arteries are hardening just looking at that," Mallory winced. "Is there some actual food in this place? Like a salad that's not fried?"
"I'm eating a skinless chicken sandwich," Lana winced. "Which is also tasteless."
"As is this restaurant," Mallory growled.
The scene cut away to Krieger and some co-workers playing beer pong. "YES! I WIN!" Krieger cheered.
"We're going streaking!" Several unknown male drones ran by nude.
They ran by Ray. "Ooh! Count me in," Ray grinned and started taking off his clothes. "Wait for me!"
"Now it's a party!" Krieger grinned.
"Hey guys! Let's use some of that sauce for a slip and slide!" Archer was heard shouting.
"By the way," Cyril groaned. "Wonderful idea Archer!"
"Seriously?" Archer asked.
"Sarcastically," Cyril gave him a look.
"Oh right," Archer said. "Wait I was wearing an expensive suit! What was I thinking? Ohhhh! That's why you said that sarcastically?"
"Actually there was another reason," Cyril groaned. "As you will soon see."
There was another shot of Mallory playing beer pong. She easily sunk her ball into the cup. She went to take a drink. "Ms. Archer!" Pam called out. "You only take a drink if you miss."
"What kind of stupid rule is that?" Mallory asked. "If I did that I'd never take a drink!"
"Excuse me!" An older man in a suit walked up with a very nervous looking younger man in a red colorful jacket. "You're not supposed to play beer pong here! This is a family establishment!"
"Oh please!" Mallory snapped. "This game is the only interesting feature in this dump!"
"I dunno," Krieger looked over and saw some animatronic bears on a stage. "I think those robot bears are kind of cool. I wonder how they work?" Krieger went off camera.
"Please Ms. Archer control your employees!" The older man snapped at Mallory. "Beer pong is not acceptable at a family establishment."
"Well then why do you have beer here in the first place?" Mallory snapped. "And if you served scotch I wouldn't have to settle for drinking beer! Second rate beer at that."
"Ms. Archer," The manager in the red jacket sighed. "Here at Grizzlebee's we want you to have fun. But not this much fun!"
"Oh be quiet you little weasel!" Mallory snapped. "I'm a paying customer and the customer is always right!"
"Well at least tell those employees to put their clothes back on!" The older man groaned.
"How about this…?" Mallory slinked up to the older gentleman. "Why don't we go into your office and discuss how I am going to…repay you?"
"Are you trying to sexually proposition me?" The older man gasped. "That's disgusting!"
"Very disgusting!" The younger manager in the red jacket shuddered.
"Not half as disgusting as this so called bread!" Mallory picked up a loaf. "Who bakes chocolate chips into a loaf of bread? Seriously? Who designed your menu? Five year olds?"
"You should talk," The older gentleman grumbled. "Acting like an oversexed teenager!"
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted. "HOW DARE YOU!" She then used the bread to clobber both managers.
"AAAHHH!" The managers tried to flee for their lives as Mallory hit them repeatedly.
"Is my mother beating up two managers with chocolate chip cookie bread one of the reasons we're all banned for life from that chain?" Archer asked.
"Among other reasons," Cyril sighed. "Here's another one."
"WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Archer slid on the floor that was covered in sauce. "MY SIX HUNDRED DOLLAR SUIT IS COVERED IN HONEY MAPLE RANCH SAUCE AND I LOVE IT!"
Archer blinked. "I don't remember this."
"We do," Ray gave him a look. "Vividly!"
"And we also remember what happened next!" Cyril groaned.
Archer on screen slammed right into a busboy carrying a lot of trays, plates and utensils. "Out of my way!" Archer whooped as he careened past the falling busboy.
Plates crashed everywhere. Silverware flew and the busboy who seemed to have part of his ear bitten off fell to the floor. And one knife fell right towards him.
THUNK!
"Oooh!" Ray winced. "Right in the eye!"
"And straight into his brain," Pam sighed. "Death number two. But he was just a busboy so luckily I didn't have to any paperwork on him."
"AAAHHHH!" Brett screamed as a fork hit him in the arm. Blood spilled everywhere. Including the salad bar.
"Brett getting stabbed in the arm with a fork I had to do paperwork on," Pam sighed. "Boy those sneeze guards really didn't do well keeping blood out of the salad bar."
The scene then cut to Lana guarding the cake from Pam. "Pam not until Krieger blows out the candles! Where is he?"
"He's looking at the Clockwork Bear Jamboree over there," Pam indicated with her thumb.
"Why?" Lana groaned.
"Who doesn't love robot bears?" Krieger called out. "These things are fascinating."
"Krieger come over here so we can cut the cake and Pam can get one step closer to diabetes!" Mallory huffed as she walked over. "And then I can get one step closer to a real restaurant!"
"Where's Archer?" Lana looked around.
"He was here just a minute ago," Cyril said. "I saw him slide directly into the back."
"I'll get him," Lana groaned as she left. "Archer!"
"Krieger come here and hurry up!" Mallory snapped. "My god! They haven't even cleared away that dead busboy yet!"
"Coming! Coming!" Krieger bounded over.
"Hurry up," Mallory indicated. "Brett stop bleeding all over the floor. This place is going to get ants. If they haven't already."
"ARCHER!" Lana shouted. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
"Oh what the hell did Sterling do now?" Mallory grumbled as she stormed off. Krieger and several other people followed.
Except for Pam who shrugged and put her fingers in the frosting of the cake. Then started to lick her fingers.
"More like who he did now!" Someone called out.
The scene then cut to a shot in a walk in freezer. Archer was only partially dressed, pants down shirt open. Still covered in sauce. He was sandwiched in between two half-dressed waitresses. "What?" He asked drunkenly.
"WHAT THE HELL ARCHER?" Lana shouted. "YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME AGAIN? YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T!"
"Obviously I lied," Archer hiccupped.
"Oh God Sterling," Mallory sniffed in distaste. "This is a new low even for you!"
"Not to mention unsanitary," Cyril was heard in the background.
"AAAAHHH!" Lana attacked Archer. The waitresses scattered, leaving Lana to beat up Archer.
"Is that why you burned my clothes when we broke up?" Archer asked. "Because the smell reminded you of…?"
"Among other reasons," Lana growled.
"WE ARE THROUGH!" Lana screamed as she beat up Archer. "I WILL NEVER EVER EVER TAKE YOU BACK STERLING MALLORY ARCHER! YOU HEAR ME? YOU DICK WILL NEVER TOUCH MY VAGINA AGAIN!"
"Obviously that was a lie too," Pam quipped. Lana glared at her. "Oh like it's my fault you and Archer break up and make up all the time!"
"I really don't remember this part," Archer blinked.
"That's because you blacked out for a minute when Lana was beating your ass," Ray snorted. "Unfortunately you also missed this!"
"PAM!" Mallory shouted. "Stop eating all the food in the back!"
"What?" Pam popped her head from behind the kitchen. "It will spoil!"
"It will not…" Mallory growled. Then screams were heard. "What fresh Hell is going on now?"
The scene then cut to several people running in terror from the animatronic bears stumbling around. "Oh calm down!" Krieger shouted. "They're not even attacking! They're just singing stupid songs!"
"What possessed you into fooling around with those animatronic things?" Ray asked.
"It was my birthday and I wanted to do it," Krieger shrugged.
"That sounds like a good reason to me," Archer admitted as he poured himself a drink.
"AAAHHH!" Lana screamed as she tackled Archer.
"ARE YOU STILL MAD ABOUT THE WAITRESSES?" Archer screamed as he was beaten up by Lana. "IT WAS LONG AGO?"
"IT WAS SEVERAL MINUTES AGO YOU ASSHOLE!" Lana shouted.
CRACK! FIZZLE!
"THE BEARS ARE ON FIRE!" Someone screamed. Indeed, some of the bears were sparking and on fire.
"Oopsie," Krieger gulped. "I think I crossed some wires I shouldn't have."
"YOU THINK?" Mallory shouted. "EVERYBODY OUT! EVERYBODY GET OUT OF HERE!"
"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl was heard screaming.
"YES I AM!" Mallory shouted. The sounds of sirens were heard in the background. "Great! I'm going to have to sleep with the fire chief again to get us out of this! And he's lousy in bed!"
"AAAAHHH!" An unknown agency drone ran by on fire.
"Death Number Three?" Archer asked.
"Death Number Three," Pam sighed.
"And that is why we are all banned from Grizzlebee's for life," Cyril groaned when the video ended.
"No big loss," Pam shrugged. "Pita Margarita's fried onion petals with margarita lime sauce are way better."
"I don't remember any of this," Archer blinked. "I wonder why?"
Archer then took a long drink of scotch. He burped. Then he poured himself another drink of scotch. "It's a mystery to me," Ray said dryly.
"The real mystery is who put that clip online," Lana said. "Pam…?"
"No! It wasn't me!" Pam snapped. "I didn't even tape that! Swearsies realsies!"
"Yeah it was that guy in the bear costume that taped everything," Ray remembered. "I remember now. Krieger didn't you say you hired someone to tape that party?"
"Yeah I paid someone two hundred bucks to film everything," Krieger said. "Never got the tape."
"Do you remember who you hired?" Ray asked.
"Yeah. It was…" Krieger blinked. "Uh oh…"
"What?" Archer snapped. "What?"
"WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?" Mallory's voice was heard. "KRIEGER! YOU HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!"
"Uh oh," Krieger gulped as Mallory stormed out.
"Oh good," She growled as she saw what was on screen. "You know. Saves me the time of explaining the latest stupid thing you idiots did!"
"Technically this was an old stupid thing," Archer corrected. "Wait how did you know about this?"
"The fire chief's wife was just on my phone," Mallory grumbled. "Screaming at me. Bitch. Damn it! If Ron sees this…"
"He usually doesn't watch Me Tube," Pam pointed out.
"So I want to know who's responsible for this?" Mallory shouted. "Looking at you Pam!"
"It wasn't me!" Pam protested. "Honest!"
"Mother even Pam isn't dumb enough to post such an obvious disaster we made online," Archer said.
"But if it wasn't her…?" Ray asked. "Who would?"
"They usually have a caption or something saying who posted videos don't they?" Lana realized.
"The name says ReallyHateArcher238," Cyril read. "Well that could be anybody."
"ReallyHateArcher238?" Archer blinked. "Are you telling me there are at least two hundred and thirty-eight people who hate my guts?"
"At least?" Cyril gave him a look. "I would imagine that number would be in the thousands by now."
"Krieger you said you remembered who you hired to tape your birthday party," Lana turned to him. "So who…? Krieger? Krieger!"
Krieger had run off. "Where did he go?" Lana looked around.
"More importantly why was Krieger so reluctant to tell us…?" Archer began. Then it hit him. "Oh no…He didn't!"
"What?" Cyril asked.
"He couldn't have…" Archer thought aloud. "Unless…Damn it Krieger!"
"What?" Lana asked.
"I think I just figured out who did it," Archer groaned.
"Who?" Mallory shouted. "Tell me who it is so I can eviscerate him!"
"Well if it is who I think it is," Archer sighed. "It might be a little late for that."
Meanwhile somewhere else…
"Heh, heh…" Barry snickered as he sat at a computer. He had taken off his Cyril mask. "I can't believe I had forgotten about that day. Until I found my old camera hidden in my storage locker."
"And now Archer and those idiots won't forget about it either," Barry laughed. "Barry is it wrong to completely humiliate Archer and the idiots like this? No Other Barry, what's wrong is that we didn't do it sooner!"