SENSELESS: MISSING SCENES
The amber liquid burned as it slipped down his throat. A warm, numb feeling radiated from his stomach to the rest of his body, and he appreciated the dullness it brought to his senses. He'd never drunk quite as much as some of the stories about him suggested, and in recent years his alcohol consumption had lessened considerably. Tonight, though, he thought he might drink enough to justify his reputation. He certainly felt he had the right for a trip to oblivion. He was waving to the bartender for another drink when a dark, soft, voice over his right shoulder said, "Glenlivet on the rocks…And I'll take care of that one for him."
He turned on the stool to face his benefactor. He'd had three drinks, just enough to start a small fire but far from enough to start a blaze. He eyed the large, bulky man warily, but still motioned for him to take the empty stool to his left. The bulk nodded and sat. The drinks arrived, and the bulk silently paid for them. The two men had sipped a third of their drinks before either spoke.
"You just got your badge back, Goren…You sure you can afford to buy drinks?"
"I got some work while they had my shield, Logan. And I owe you and most of Major Case more than a few drinks." A vision of the rat in his desk appeared in his mind, and Bobby Goren wondered if there was at least one Major Case Squad member who wished him ill. "Leaving you all shorthanded. But you especially. You seemed to get all of the really bad cases…Like this last one…"
"I can't lie…This one hurt…Hurt a lot…" Logan stared into his drink.
"I can only imagine…Eames told me what she knew…And there's the papers and TV…Although you can't trust them…"
"They were right about one thing…Those were good kids…They worked hard…They did the right things…And then…Just because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time…And it wasn't really the wrong place…Just a park…It just doesn't make any sense."
"You caught the guy who did it…" Bobby said.
"It doesn't seem to be enough…It doesn't seem to be anything." Logan motioned for another drink.
Bobby finished his drink. "I'd like a beer," he said to the bartender. "And I'll…"
"No," Logan said firmly. "I've got this round…"
Bobby sat silently. He wasn't sure what he was doing in this bar. He'd followed Logan from One Police Plaza without a clear plan. He didn't know the other detective that well, but Logan had kept his cool when four prison guards confronted them. He'd offered Bobby words of support after his mother's death and come to her funeral. He'd offered more support after the investigation that led to the reopening of the murder of Eames' husband. Eames liked Logan, and her high opinion of the man weighed heavily in Bobby's judgment of him. Before Bobby's suspension, he'd shared a few drinks with Logan, usually in the company of Alex, and Bobby liked his black and bleak humor. Bobby began to have vague hopes he might be gaining a new friend. But his suspension and undercover work took him away from Major Case, Logan, and Alex. He didn't know what to expect from Logan when he returned. From what Bobby sensed, Logan was loyal to other cops, but also a cop who hated bad cops. But Logan welcomed Bobby back warmly, almost more warmly than Eames, but, as Bobby noted to himself, he hadn't betrayed Logan the way he had Alex.
All of these thoughts flooded Bobby's mind as he sipped his beer. He realized with a start that Logan had finished his drink and was about to order another.
"So, Goren…Let me buy you another…Or are you going to nurse that beer all night?" Bobby thought he heard a belligerent edge to Logan's voice, and he remembered the other cop's reputation for having a temper and as a drinker.
"Maybe," Bobby said amiably. "I probably spent too much of the past months in places like this drinking too much. I need to get in better shape…And stay out of trouble."
To Bobby's relief, Logan quietly accepted this explanation. He ordered another drink for himself, and Bobby wondered if he should suggest that Logan might want to ease up on his alcohol consumption.
"C'mon," Logan said. "I think there's a booth open in the back."
Logan stumbled slightly as he stood, and Bobby caught his arm.
"Wow…" Logan shook his head. "I'm definitely out of practice…"
Bobby stayed close to Logan as they walked to the booth, but the other man kept his footing.
"Thanks," Logan said as they sat. "For not asking how much I've had. Obviously it's too much. I'll switch to something less lethal."
"It's my experience," Bobby said. "That iced tea looks the most like liquor…That is, if you're trying to keep the illusion that you're drinking the hard stuff…"
Logan smiled. "I keep forgetting your reputation as an undercover cop…One of the best." He only slightly slurred his words.
"Well…I'm not particularly proud of my latest…" Bobby immediately regretted the words.
"That," Logan said. "Was good work. Few things worse than a bad cop. You got rid of two of them and a drug dealer. It was good work."
"Thanks…That…Means a lot coming from you…"
Logan waved Bobby's words away. "Bad cops make it worse for all of us. Any cop who can't see that is stupid. Just stupid. Forget the question of why they're bad. It's just practical. And the Brass…Especially Moran…Brainless wonders."
"You know," Bobby said softly after a moment. "I came here to see if you needed help and you're saying all the right things to me."
"Well…It made me feel better too. Did someone send you after me? Falacci? Surely not Ross? Of course, he might have sent you to make sure I don't get into trouble…"
"No…Certainly not Ross. I can't think of any situation where Ross would want to put the two of us together," Bobby said. "And Falacci had already left…I heard she was good on this last case…"
"She was…She was…This guy got her, and she didn't blink…Just got out of a bad situation…I tell you, Goren…This guy was very bad…I'm not sure you could find anything good about him…"
"I…I don't look for reasons…I mean…" It was suddenly very important to Bobby Goren that Mike Logan understand this. "I know that people…Other cops…They think I make excuses for perps…But that's not it…I…I try to find the reasons…I mean…Who knows…Maybe if somebody had seen what this guy was becoming…" Bobby stared at his glass. "That sounds pretty lame compared to four dead kids…"
"I don't know," Logan said. "Do you believe in evil, Goren?
Bobby thought of Mark Ford Brady. "Yea…Yea I do…I've seen too much of it…"
"This guy…I'm like you…I've seen some awful stuff…But this guy…I'm sure he's crazy…" Logan didn't see the flash of pain that crossed Bobby's face. "But if ever anyone was evil…It's this guy."
"I gotta admit," Bobby said after a moment. "I'm glad I didn't have to deal with this one."
"It just seems…" Logan slung back the last of his drink. "It seems like trying save a sinking ship with a spoon. And that the good people….Like those kids…One of their parents…A minister…He…He was such a good man…Refused to be filled with rage or revenge…And all I can do is catch the guy that killed his son…The girl who survived for a while…What did I do for her? I didn't protect her. I didn't save her. What good is the job?" At that moment Bobby wished that he'd had as many drinks as Logan.
"Look," Bobby said after several silent moments. "I…I'm not sure what to say. You're asking questions that don't have answers. We both know that. I…I can only say that if you believe in evil, you have to believe in good. I know…It always seems easier for evil and that it always seems to be winning…"
"You wonder why you stick it out?" Logan asked. "Why you keep doing the job? I find myself wondering that more and more. Especially with the Brass getting in the way and getting rid of good cops like Deakins and trying to get rid of good ones like you."
"I…I thought about that a lot when I was on suspension. I…I don't know how much you know about the undercover work I did…
"I heard that everybody was happy about it…Except maybe for Eames…"
Bobby winced.
"Like I said…You put away two bad cops…" Logan looked closely at Bobby. "I heard Eames had her gun on you…"
Bobby's head dropped into his hands. "We had our guns on each other…I went undercover to save my job…So that I could get back to work with my partner…And nearly lost everything…Eames and I have worked through everything…But…I know the Chief of D's doesn't want me…I think he hoped I might get killed on the job…" He glanced at Logan. "You don't think that's paranoid?"
"Not with Moran," Logan answered grimly.
"And there's Ross…I've never been able to figure him out. He's backed me up…Put up with stuff I've pulled…Helped me get back on the job…And I hurt his career…"
"He's a good guy," Logan said. "I think he's as frustrated by you as you are by him. He's pretty unhappy with the Brass. He's not Jimmy Deakins yet, but then…"
"It took Jimmy Deakins some time to become Jimmy Deakins," Bobby said softly.
"That's true…I wasn't around for that. I suppose I should thank you. You got him ready for me."
Bobby remembered his conversation with his former Captain at Deakins' farewell. Bobby couldn't call it a party—the reason for the event was too depressing—and it seemed more like an Irish wake than anything else. Deakins had told him that he and Alex had saved their Captain's soul. Bobby still couldn't understand why Deakins felt that way about him—Alex, yes, but not him.
"Yea," Bobby said softly. "I guess after me, you weren't such a challenge. At least…You seem to get along with Ross…"
"Well, I'm not in a contest to be the smartest guy in the room," Logan replied.
"I…I never…" Bobby stuttered.
"I know…I think Ross has started to realize that there's no contest…That there never was a contest because he was the only one who thought there was." Logan spun his empty glass. "The real problem…As far as I can tell…Is that Ross was partnered with some eccentric genius at some point, and it caused some trouble for him."
"I thought I was the "whack job" of the NYPD," Bobby said.
"We should have more whack jobs like you," Logan said sharply. "Besides…You're not the only candidate for that title…I might even be in the running if the position doesn't require brains…" He waved at a passing waitress.
"Uh…Logan…Do you think…"
"Iced tea," Logan said to the waitress. "You want anything, Goren?"
"The same," Bobby said. "Sorry…"
"It's ok…I agree with you…I don't need any more alcohol…Although, before you showed up, I seriously taking the road to oblivion. But that never works…"
"Yea," Bobby said. "Just makes you sick the morning after. The problems are still there and now you feel horrible."
"Doesn't make a lot of sense…" Logan shrugged. "Like a lot of things."
Bobby studied the other side of the bar for a moment. "One of the reasons why I became a cop," he finally said. "Was because…I thought I could…Might be able…To make sense of things…But…Most of the time…" He shrugged.
"I did that too," Logan said. "That…And…I'm embarrassed to say this…I wanted…Still do…To help people." He looked at Bobby. "And if you tell anyone that, I'll deny it."
Bobby half smiled. "Understood."
"I guess," Logan said. "It does kinda make sense that we're cops."
"Yea…I guess it does…"
They sat in a comfortable silence for several minutes as they sipped their tea.
"Well," Logan said. "If I plan to go in tomorrow…Which I do now…I gotta get some sleep."
"Me too," Bobby said. "Wouldn't look good to show up late just after getting my badge back."
They paid their bills and left the bar. For a moment, they stood in the cold air.
"It still doesn't make sense," Logan said softly.
"No…No, it doesn't," Bobby said. "And some of it never will."
"I guess we hafta keep at it until some of it does. Thanks, Goren…See you tomorrow."
"Thanks, Logan. See ya…"
END
I'm not entirely sure about the timeline, but for the purposes of this story Bobby has just returned from his suspension at the time of SENSELESS