Summary: Ron reflects on how much he misses Hermione during HBP.
Even I can't believe how much of a prat I am. I gave up Hermione for an easy snog. The worst part is, I don't even like snogging Lavender. Her lips has that weird lip gunk on it that's supposed to make her look prettier, but really I feel like I'm snogging Snape's greasy hair. Hell, I don't really like Lavender at all. Her giggle is too high pitched and frequent. Her hair is stiff and crunchy from all that gunk she puts in it to make it pretty. All of her beauty is from make up and charms, she probably looks like a troll in the mornings. She couldn't help me with my homework if it would save her life. If I argue with her, she just starts crying until I say "I'm sorry, you're right, let's forget it". Everytime I'm with her, I try imagining she's Hermione. But it just makes me sad once I open my eyes and realize who I'm actually kissing.
I didn't want to be with Lavender. I just wanted to show Ginny I can kiss someone and I wanted to get back at Hermione. But it's so stupid. I wanted to kiss Hermione after the match; I had a plan, built up my confidence, and everything. Kissing Hermione would get Ginny off my back about never kissing anyone, show Hermione how much I fancy her, and maybe get Hermione to forget Vicky. But after she said she didn't believe I could do well without Felix Felicis, I just lost it. Viktor Krum never needed Felix Felicis. She always believed in Vicky, even though he was the enemy from a school full of Dark wizards. She never doubted Harry. Harry started playing Quidditch when he was a first year and only had one flying lesson. Even I doubted him for a bit.
I didn't even plan on kissing Lavender or even flirting with her. She just saw me sitting in the common room, not celebrating with everyone else, asked me what was wrong, started complimenting me, and out of nowhere she sat on my lap and kissed me. I'm a guy. A pretty girl sits on my lap, tells me all that nice stuff, starts kissing me, I couldn't help myself. It's not like Hermione would've been with me anyway. And Hermione was the only one I ever wanted (except a Veela, which doesn't count because no straight man can resist those). Every other girl was the same: not the one I wanted, but I wouldn't turn her down if I had to choose second best.
No one believes it, but I really didn't mean to hurt Hermione or ruin our friendship. I've never wanted to do that. Not even when Hermione was Krum's most prized person in the Second Task. I wanted to drown Krum in the lake then, but never hurt her. Not even my own sister or brothers believe I still care about Hermione. My own mum doesn't believe I didn't mean to hurt her. I'll always care about her. Even if she somehow turned into a Death Eater supporter or I became a Death Eater, I would still love her.
Now, she's going to Slughorn's stupid Christmas party with ruddy McLaggen. That git. If I see or hear of him doing so much as look at her bum, I will personally send a bludger straight into his fat nose. I will personally see to it that he spends the rest of his year in the hospital wing.
That wouldn't be wise though. It's my fault ruddy McLaggen is taking her to the party. That should be me getting dressed in my tuxedo, worrying if the flowers I got for her are nice enough, and awkwardly dancing with her all night. I even wrote to Mum and asked her to send the blue tuxedo the twins bought for me. Of course, Mum was hysterical when I told her I was going to a Christmas party with Hermione and wanted to look nice. I really thought Mum might send me a ring to propose with as well. When I had to tell her there was change of plans, I was worried she would send me a Howler and everyone in Hogwarts would know I pissed off my mum again.
Wonder if Hermione would forgive me and take me to the party if I told her all of this. It's worth a shot. I took a deep breath, stood up, and walked down the stairs to the common room. Just as I saw Hermione sitting on an armchair, beautiful as ever, ruddy McLaggen took her hand. She smiled and left with him. I sat down in the closest chair, stared at the portrait hole, and fought with myself to decide if I should chase after her or not. Not. She wouldn't forgive me if I broke up with Lavender, announced to the entire castle that I love her, and agreed to do anything for her. I would do that. But it wouldn't matter. Hermione hates me. Even if she considered forgiving me, she wouldn't fancy me. She only likes really good Quidditch players. I just got lucky once.
I put my face in my hands and tried to convince myself to chase after her anyway. I couldn't though. She made her choice and I made mine. If McLaggen ever hurts her in any way, I swear to Merlin I will push him off the Astronomy Tower. I don't care if she still hates me, if they're married, or even if I married someone else; I will always care about her.