Disclaimer: All hail Stephenie Meyer, mother, dreamer and creator of these truly immortal characters.
If I had a heartbeat right now I was sure it might be pounding like Bella's. What's taking her so long? As I had walked her up to the house from the boat her heart rate had doubled. I didn't need to ask why. I could guess well enough. And I didn't have enough resolve within myself to say anything comforting. After touring the house I had left her to collect herself, but more so I could collect my own thoughts.
The warm ocean soothed me. I dove under and swam along the sea floor for some time, trying to release the nervous tension. I wasn't gone long, thinking Bella would be along shortly. But she still hadn't emerged from the house. I meditated on the whiteness of the moon, matching the names of the craters that I had come to know after years of moon gazing. Still the same thoughts I had worried myself over for weeks were dominant in my mind.
I had promised her we would try, but I was nervous nonetheless. I had always thought Bella selfless, constantly sacrificing her needs, her safety, and apparently her life, to keep everyone else happy and safe. Yet this thing she had asked of me, even demanded, was the one thing I didn't think I would be able to do....without killing her. She was so aggravatingly difficult to deny. Maybe it was the way her cheeks flushed or how her heart nearly beat out of her ribcage the night she asked me, or maybe it was her scent that intoxicated and blinded my logic at times, but however she had managed to get me to agree to this, I was skeptical at best.
Carlisle had been helpful and candid discussing how it might be for me, as well as for Bella. It had been his suggestion to come here to Isle Esme, where the climate would help warm my cold body. He had explained the finer biology of the male vampire erection, which was different in many ways from a human's. He cautioned me that this physical experience would likely change me in ways that I couldn't comprehend....so long as it didn't end badly. This, of course, was my greatest fear. But Carlisle had faith in me that I had the strength to do this. As did Bella. Easy for them to say.
I knew the feeling would be intense. It's not that I was really a voyeur, but when you can hear the world's thoughts, you often hear more than you want to. In my house, I had learned to play music or distract myself in other ways so I wouldn't have to listen to my family, each with their respective partners indulging in a bliss in which I had heretofore never been interested. But sometimes there was just no avoiding hearing them, especially Emmett and Rosalie.
Perhaps there were some occasions in the early years, the war years in Chicago, when I was going through my rebellion that I coveted the emotions I heard in human minds as they made love. In times of war, humans seem to have sex as frequently as vampires, which is to say, all of the time. But in those days I was angry about what I had become and I wanted to be human again. So I would walk down quiet neighborhood streets in the dark night, listening to so many minds, imagining I could feel their pleasure. But it was only ever a mirage, and though I searched, I never came across another, vampire or human, who excited me in that way. This had been a point of great distress to both Carlisle and Esme, who insisted that there was something higher that I was missing. Yet even with what I saw through my unwitting voyeurism, I didn't believe them. At least, not until I met Bella. And then everything changed.
There had been several occasions when I found that I had craved her body more than her blood, and as I had gotten so adept in this way, I denied myself the many cravings that Bella stirred in me. There were times I wanted her, kissing her harder and longer than I usually allowed, because I was jealous of Jacob, or because of the way she would force herself onto me, overcome with her own desire. Sometimes it was just the drug of her that would momentarily obscure my reasoning.
So did I want this to happen? Did I want to know her body in this intimate way?
Yes, I did. I plunged under the water again, sitting on the sandy sea floor and watched the moon through distorting lens of the water. The ocean was a loud place, the reefs crackling with perpetually moving life. My hands played absently with the sand, and then my fingers came upon something hard. A seashell. I studied its perfect Fibonacci spiral and ran my thumb over the delicate opening. So fragile, like Bella.
I could hear the bedroom door open. She was coming. My wife.
I stood up, waist deep in the water. The moment had arrived. It was now.
Just don't hurt her. There is no life for me in this world without her. Don't kill her.
Her footsteps paused. I heard the sound of a towel cast aside. Footsteps in sand, then in water. The gentle waves crashing around her ankles. The smell of lavender and freesia. Bella. If I turned now I could see her for the first time, exposed completely. I had imagined every curve but as yet I had never seen her completely naked. The mere thought of her, naked now right behind me, stirred the embers of my desire. Wait. She waded through the water to my side, and placed her hand on mine.
She was radiant in the moonlight, her skin shining silver and blue. The water barely touched the perfect curve of her breasts. I wanted to run my hand along that curve and feel that soft and vulnerable skin, but it would be too fast. Wait. She was saying something about the moon. It was nothing compared to this beautiful woman who was giving herself to me.
She put her warm hand against my chest. The electricity that always hummed between us arced violently through me and I felt my pleasure rising. This moment was so perfect. I wanted her more than I had ever allowed myself to imagine. I breathed in her scent completely, punctuated now with saltwater. Her skin would taste salty, salty and sweet, like her blood....oh, her blood. How is this going to be possible?
"I promised we would try," I whispered.
"Don't be afraid," she said. "We belong together."
Yes, we were meant to be together. I resolved in that moment that if I failed to keep the monster at bay, I would have to find the strength to stop. As long as I didn't kill her. I would let the venom spread and let the change happen. It's inevitable, isn't it? It was what she wanted. Though I still struggled to accept it, it was what I wanted, too.
"Forever," I agreed and then I pulled us both deeper into the water.
Her bare breasts pressed against me and her thigh grazed across my erect penis. Her breath caught in her chest as she realized my excitement. She looked at me with a coy and embarrassed grin. I grinned back.
"I want you, Bella," I said, with every intent to dazzle her.
It worked. She descended her kiss on me with vigorous passion. I kissed her hard, tasting the salt on her lips. Don't breathe. At the moment when I would normally restrain her against such a kiss, she backed away the slightest bit, as if I had trained her to stop after a predetermined time. But I held her to me, my lips inviting her to continue. She gasped for air and then her mouth was my mouth, her tongue was my tongue. She knotted her fingers in my hair, pulling me into her frenzied breath. My hands ran down her sides and onto the curve of her breasts. I held my palms barely touching her hard nipples. It was tantalizing place to touch, a part of her body hidden from me for all these years that I had loved her and revealed to me now. Call me old-fashioned, but I knew the wait for this moment would make it categorically more satisfying. She pressed her breast against my hands, her breath faltering completely.
"Breathe, Bella," I whispered in her ear, as I moved my hands around to caress her silky moonlit back.
"You're driving me crazy," she managed to say.
"Likewise," I said with a quiet growl.
Broken from the frenzied kiss, she now seemed mesmerized by my body. Under the water her hand ran over my shoulders, down my back, tickling me with her fiery warm touch. Her hands rounded my waist, paused, and then she trailed her fingers pensively down my stomach and closed her hand around my length.
I breathed in sharply, her scent enveloping me, and the burning thirst in my throat seared. I choked back the burn and focused on her touch. She was curious, her hand exploring this hidden corner of my body. The fire of her touch and the excitement it drew forth was not like my burning thirst; this was a much more pleasant fire though nearly as undeniable. And without another thought, I grabbed her in my arms, dashed up the beach, and in seconds I was laying beside her in the white bed, surrounded by the draped mosquito netting.
I pressed my face against her soft, warm neck. I could hear the blood pushing through her jugular with a delicate whoosh. Her heart was beating hard but not fast. I took a deep breath, sinking in the floral bouquet of her scent completely. But there was something else there now, a note in the bouquet I had not smelled before. Something light but sweeter, dripping with a pale wetness, like peaches.
We let minutes pass, touching, kissing, exploring. Bella writhed and pressed her body against me, and it wasn't long until her desire drove her to find me, completely. She pulled me on top of her, spreading her legs willingly; the most adoring look of anticipation and love colored her face. Whatever nervous emotion had guarded her earlier had faded. She raised her hips to me, searching for me to enter her.
The burning in my core was vibrating. Gently, Edward, gently. I pushed myself cautiously into her warm fold, just the tip first, waiting for her reaction and mine. She moaned softly and lifted her hips to me again, as if begging for more. I let all of myself into her, and the warmth of her was blinding. Distantly, seemingly miles away, I heard her gasp as her shoulders lurched upwards. But whatever Bella's reaction then, it was lost upon me. I was lost. Surrounded by her burning cool fire, a shock rolled from my groin, up my shoulders and to my neck tingling with an electric haze that wiped away every trace of reason or logic that I had ever clung to in efforts to keep Bella safe, safe from me.
In that moment the monster rushed against his shackles, breaking free from every bar and cage and restraint I had ever managed to put on him. I would take her now. This moment was perfect. Not just perfect, nigh on divine. It was an ideal place, too. I would bury her body in the depths of the ocean and craft an excellent story of her demise. This time there would be no collateral damage, only Bella. All those long months denying myself the pleasure of her blood had come to this moment, now, when I would bite her thoroughly. Just as I had imagined a thousand times. I would drink her slowly, savoring every drop of her sweet, singing blood. Maybe I could stop in time. I doubted it, even though I had done it before. Oh, the sweet memory of her blood! I had denied myself this memory so long. I wanted it again. I had to have it. My hand closed firmly upon her shoulder, holding her neck like an alter before me. I opened my mouth to bite, the venom dripping from my lips....yes...now!
"No!" I yelled at the monster as I jumped back from Bella to the end of the bed. I grabbed the post of the bed with both hands, holding myself there like I was handcuffed. The rosy haze lifted away and there Bella sat wide-eyed. She held her hand on her shoulder, masking the pain of injury, surprise and terror in her eyes. Could it be? Was she really afraid of me? I had seen her genuine fear in the den of the Volturi. I had seen it, through Jacob's memory, as Laurent had descended upon her. And in the first months that I had come to know her, there were moments I know she had been frightened of me. Yet she had always masked her fear of me, if not for her pounding heart betraying her, as it did right now. Certainly she had seen the monster in my eyes.
I held my breath and kept my gaze locked on her calming brown eyes, willing my control to come back.
"I can't do this, Bella."
Her head dropped and she began to fidget with her hands, looking away from me. No doubt she was berating herself for failing me in some way.
"You didn't do anything wrong...it's just that....it's...it's too close."
"I understand," she whispered, the disappointment evident.
I could only imagine that she had known a true moment of fear, or else I doubted she would have given in so easily. I would fail her in this one impossible thing that she asked of me. Yet, there she was so beautiful and fragile in all her dejection and thinking of how it had felt just then, entering her, I still wanted her. I wanted to give in to this very human desire, but I didn't trust my control. Even as I debated with myself, she turned her stare onto me with a different resolve in her expression. And suddenly I realized that I was not the predator; rather I was caught in her web. She would have me, capture me still. I would never escape.
She inched toward me, slowly by minutes. I was transfixed by her deep brown eyes, her elegant curves and breasts, spellbound completely by everything that was Bella. I held my hands firmly on the bed post, sitting on my heels, nude and still erect, with the tulle netting draping across my back and shoulders. She rose up on her knees and leveled her eyes with mine. Cautiously, she extended her hand and traced her fingers with a smoldering touch across the muscles of my chest. As if she was painting some abstract design, she drew her fingers up around my shoulder, down my side, lower across my groin and down to the tip of my erect penis. It was maddening, her touch, so warm and electric.
She leaned toward me, again slowly, her eyes pausing for a moment to calculate my reaction. Then she was grazing her lips across my neck. I heard her inhale deeply, taking in my smell and then she let out a quiet hum of delight. I could feel her lips smiling against my skin. Her breath was erratic. I was still holding mine.
"Mind over matter," she whispered. Using my own words against me!
"Bella..." I pleaded.
She locked her eyes with mine again. "I trust you, Edward. Please...I want you."
Then she trailed soft kisses across my chest and down, down, down. Her final warm, wet kiss taking me in. A low growl escaped my lips. She froze, but only for a moment, and then continued, tantalizing, her lips closing around my erection.
I felt like I would burst with the delight of it. Then she released me and the pain of it ached. I wanted more. She moved away, lying back across the downy pillows, her glorious body laid out seductively waiting for me. The electricity surged again between us. I could almost imagine a faint blue arc between our bodies. She lay still, in the center of her carefully spun web, luring me closer.
I could not resist. The fire in my throat, my thirst for her, suddenly seemed nothing in comparison to this desire. The aching pleasure in my loins pulled me to her. I released the bed post and moved over her, careful to hold myself above her fragile body so as not to crush her.
She spread her legs beneath me once again, wrapping her hands firmly across my flank and pulled me toward her. Her hips rose up to meet me and I penetrated her again. Slowly, and again. Gently, Edward, gently. Outside, the ocean lapped up and down across the sandy beach. I moved in cadence with the surging waves, her moans and sighs echoing the pleasure. Her moist, embracing warmth, enveloping me with each thrust, amazed every sense I possessed. I wanted this feeling to last forever.
Her expression was beautiful, equal parts surrender and ecstasy. Delicate beads of sweat appeared on her forehead. I kissed them away, tasting their salt taste mixed with sea water. Oh, to taste her blood...
It was singing to me again. As if it had its own volume which was turned up with her pleasure. Her stammering heart was the bass of a melody which I could never play on any instrument. The melody was not the slow peaceful lullaby that I heard my head when I would watch her sleep. This song was a complex symphony, urgent and primal with drums, haunting refrains of a cello and a harp, and mastered with a seductive, soprano voice. I moaned loudly, trying to drive the song away.
The sound I had made seemed to have excited her even more. Her hips were undulating under me, grinding her soft flesh against my marble hardness, her body watering itself in pleasure. She was mesmerizing. Even the monster, edging forward bit by bit, took curious pause to watch her. Then her eyes held onto mine with a sudden desperation, close to panic, but trusting. Her mind was giving over completely to the body rush she could not and would not control. Every part of her defense collapsed and in my mind's eye, for a fraction of a second, I thought I could see the rising tide of my own excitement through her eyes. Her breath faltered, yet holding my eyes still with that penetrating stare, she clawed my back and her fingers grasped frantically in my hair, pulling her body hard against me.
"Edward...." She called in a panting whisper.
The dazzling vibration radiated from my core, the thrill of it rising from the deep like a tidal wave approaching a coast.
"Edward, oh....Edward....oh!" she called through gasping breaths. Her shoulders surged against my chest, as her head fell back; her neck was poised as if in offering.
The wave of ecstasy crashed through my every limb and organ as I thrust myself with abandon into her, holding her body hard against my hips. A primal growl rose up from my core, releasing every breath I had held. And I took in her mouthwatering scent once more.
The monster lurched. There was no stopping him this time. I was too drunk with the pleasure, while the thrumming song called me irresistibly. The venom pooled in my mouth once more. Her body had gone limp beneath me, save for sporadic little convulsions. Now...I would have her blood...her sweet, sweet blood....
My hand grasped the side of her face, and I held her neck ready for me. My teeth would cut into the sweet peach delight of her flesh...oh, this moment I wanted for so long....
"Edward..." Her voice was far away, lilting as if she too were drunk.
Bella....there is no life for me in this world without Bella.
Without thinking it or even realizing what happened, my other hand had grabbed the nearest pillow, by its own will it seemed, and was pressing the pillow into my mouth. I bit hard. My venom saturated the downy feathers and cotton. A near silent poof echoed in the still room as a mist of feathers sprayed above us. Clarity fell on me slowly with each downy feather. That was too close.
Once again, I would not kill her. And so the monster, sulking, went back into his cage.
My body was still tingling. I rolled over, holding her carefully in the cradle of my arms. I could make out faint bruises already forming across her skin. Oh, what have I done?
"Edward?" she called again, a pensive note in her voice.
"Yes, Bella?" I said quietly.
"That was....wonderful."
"Yes, Bella."
"Edward..."
"Yes, my love?"
"Thank you," she said, her voice drifting. Her breathing turned deep and rhythmic as she fell into sleep.
I exhaled, relieved. It was over. The pleasure had been brilliant, inexplicably brilliant. I couldn't deny it, but I was moribund with guilt. The monster had nearly gotten his way. I had held the drug in my hand, ready to give in to my addiction. The guilt I felt for this transgression, even though I had not succumb, was so unbearably defeating. Oh, Bella...I'm sorry.
A delicate white feather drifted from the netting and settled upon her bruised neck. I ran my finger down her jaw, across her neck, picking the feather up between my fingers. Her scent clung to the downy threads. The note of peaches was fading from the bouquet, drifting on the sea breeze and away across the silent waves. I stared at her neck all through the night, watching the tiny, gentle pulse in her vein count the long seconds to the breaking dawn.