So, uh. I don't really know what this is. I've been working on a lot of stories for a while but this isn't one of them. Writer's block has been kind of kicking my ass lately and I've just had no inspiration but for whatever reason this morning I just got this idea in my head and...I wrote the whole thing in a few hours. Hopefully inspiration for other things will follow soon.
Also, I've never actually written a sex scene before. I feel the need to apologize in advance.
She doesn't know where Liam is.
It's been happening a lot lately. He'll just kind of disappear. And most times he'll call a few hours (or days, sometimes) later and let her know where he's run off to, but sometimes he just leaves her guessing, leaves her sitting at home worrying while he goes off on some last minute work thing or to visit his brother or to spend time with an old childhood friend.
Those are the stories he tells her, at least. She knows somewhere in her that if she called up his brother and asked when he'd last seen Liam the stories would not quite match up. She knows it, and so she never calls his brother and checks. She takes Liam's word for it, because she trusts him, because that's what you have to do with someone when you're supposed to be marrying them soon. She pretends it's not him in all the pictures on those gossip sites, pretends it's her lipstick on the collar of his shirts in the laundry and not someone else's.
She pretends a lot of things because really, what else is she supposed to do?
It was Demi who'd convinced her to come to this stupid party tonight, and now she can't even find her - good thing, too, because when she does she's going to kill her. She really doesn't want to be here. It's not that she dislikes parties, she likes them quite a bit, it's just that she really is not in a party mood tonight and she feels so out of place standing here worrying while everyone else is having fun. She tries not to worry, she tries so hard, but truthfully worrying is all she ever does lately, especially on the days when Liam's gone. It's not him she worries about, exactly, more like who might be with him. There's these models, a whole long list of them, and a couple of actresses, too, and she does her best to deny it to everyone and especially to herself but she knows they're all more than just his friends. And she doesn't know when she lost the part of herself that would have kicked a cheater to the curb and burned all his shit, but somewhere along the way she did and now instead all she does is worry.
Worry one of the models is going to better than her. There's one in particular, and he keeps going back to her and maybe it's just that she's a better fuck than the others but it keeps Miley up all night sometimes, all wrapped up in one of Liam's shirts because it smells like him and worrying that someday he was finally going to decide that the blonde (natural blonde) model was prettier than her, or sexier than her, or skinnier than her, or gives him less trouble than her. And then he'll leave for good and she'll be all alone, for good this time, and she doesn't know why that's the scariest thing she can imagine but it is.
And she kind of understands Demi's point about her really needed to relax a little bit, but she just isn't in the mood tonight and as she glances around the room one more time trying to catch a glimpse of her friend, she sees him.
Nick.
She gasps out loud. She doesn't know why she's so surprised, she knows he and Joe live around here now, but she guesses she'd just never pegged him to be the type to be at a party like this (which was stupid, really, because she knows very well by now how good he is at surprising her). And maybe she'd figured that since they'd managed to avoid each other for this long they were kind of in the clear and would never have to see each other again, but that was probably wishful thinking.
He'd obviously spotted her first, and she realizes suddenly that he'd kind of been staring at her, and she blushes a little bit and she doesn't know why and she thinks she should feel creeped out but she doesn't. As soon as he catches her eyes he lowers his to his feet and she knows he's blushing too and he's still so much the same Nick she knew that she has to smile.
And maybe it's the two shots of whiskey she'd taken earlier or maybe it's the adrenaline of just seeing him again after so very long or maybe it's that she's all alone in the corner and so is he and they'd always been better at being alone together than apart, but she finds herself strolling right up to him and saying, "Hey, stranger."
And already there are warning signals going off in her head, because this is bad, anything involving Nick is bad, it always ends with all kinds of tangled up feelings and Liam always gets mad and somebody always gets hurt and she shouldn't be doing this but she is, and she thinks she should feel nervous or guarded or something and she does for a minute but then she remembers that it's only Nick.
He looks at her with those brown eyes, gives her that sloppy half-smirk. "Hey," he says, sounding a little confused that she's talking to him, and she doesn't blame him because she's confused too. They just look at each other for a minute before he goes on, "How have you been?"
She rocks back and forth in her high heels. "Pretty good, I guess," she tells him, figuring he doesn't need to know the details. "You?"
He looks even more surprised now but he keeps his eyes steady on hers as he echoes, "Pretty good."
They stare at each other in silence.
She takes a few seconds and looks him up and down and she swears it hasn't been all that long since she's seen him but good God, he's grown. And maybe she's just been so daring tonight she's trying to see how far she can keep it going or maybe it's some subconscious desire to even the score with Liam, but suddenly she's reaching out and grabbing his hand and saying with a far too flirty grin, "Wanna dance?"
It's hardly dancing, really. It's practically dry-humping. If the press finds out she'll be as good as dead and if Liam finds out she'll be a lot worse than dead, but it's what everyone else is doing too and it's dark and no one seems to have recognized them yet, so what's the harm in it, really? It's not like it was anything new for them, not like it was the first time she had felt Nick against her like this. And yet, when she presses her back up against his chest and feels his breath hot and heavy and almost panicked against her ear she feels like this is all completely new and outrageous and maybe it's because it's Nick and he was the first everything or maybe she'd had a few more shots than she'd thought or something because she doesn't remember it ever feeling like this before. And she pushes her hips back against his harder and he groans long and low into her ear and holds her waist tighter and lower and god, it's good, it's so good and before she has any idea what she's doing she turns around and throws herself hard into his arms and kisses him smack on the mouth.
And holy shit, she'd forgotten that just kissing someone could feel so good. A million sparks shoot across every part of her body and she swears she sees fireworks going off behind her eyelids and she feels him gasp, just this sharp intake of breath against her lips, and for some reason it's the hottest thing ever and she presses herself closer against him and she feels like she's drunk only a million times better and one of them adds tongues to the mix and then they're just standing there making out in the middle of the dance floor. This flash of guilt and panic hits her for half a second, but then she remembers the blonde model and she thinks about how good Nick's tongue feels twisting with hers and she just decides right then and there she's goddamn tired of sitting home worrying and not getting any side action when she damn well knows Liam's getting plenty.
But then Nick bucks his hips against hers and suddenly for the first time in months, Liam is the absolute farthest thing from her mind.
She gasps, louder than she'd meant to, and slams her hips back into his and he pulls away to get some air and they just stand there and stare at each other and his eyes are wide and shocked and panicked but they're also dark and murky and filled with lust and she can feel him hard against her thigh and if it was anyone else this would never be happening. She swallows hard and forcibly quiets everything in her that's telling her not to do it and leans in close to Nick's ear: "Your place or mine?"
They decide on Nick's place solely because it's closer and she keeps one hand on his crotch while he drives (probably speeding and very nearly causing a few accidents, but she couldn't care less at the moment). He's taking short, shaky breaths and making these little moaning sounds and it just makes her rub at him harder and she can't ever remember being this hot in her life and just when she's about to tell him to pull over so she can drag him into the backseat he parks the car and looks over at her with wild eyes and she knows he can't believe this is happening, and she can't, either.
She doesn't remember how they get inside or up to Nick's apartment. All she knows is that his lips are so warm and wet and his mouth tastes as good as she remembers and maybe even better and she'd be lying if she said she'd never thought about what it would be like if she and Nick were to ever reconnect, but she'd never imagined it being anything at all like this.
She doesn't realize they're at the bottom of the stairs until he's picking her up and wrapping her legs around his waist and carrying her up them, kissing her the entire way, and she can hardly breathe but she doesn't want to anyway because she'd rather kiss him and if she doesn't have him in the next twenty seconds she's absolutely going to explode.
She doesn't know what's going on. She guesses it has been a little while, but not that long, and okay yeah, Liam isn't particularly great but he's not particularly bad either (well, he wouldn't be, if he'd give a crap about her getting off too every once in a while). It's not like she's been deprived. But she's just so hot and bothered all of the sudden and Nick seems to be every bit as eager and absently she figures it's probably been a lot longer for him, but then she thinks that maybe just because he's single doesn't mean he's not having sex and suddenly her stomach plummets and she realizes extremely suddenly that the thought of Nick doing this with someone else, anyone else, upsets her a lot and she has absolutely no right to feel that way but she does, and she needs to stop this now because now the emotions are going to get involved but suddenly she realizes she's lying underneath Nick on his bed and she figures it's too late now.
Nick's leaving wet kisses all over her neck, and she gasps as she realizes he still remembers all her old sweet spots and she can't wait to show him how she remembers his, too. He's moving his hips against her roughly, desperately, and she feels like they're teenagers again and just exploring each other and learning about all of this for the first time, and she bucks her hips up hard and he makes this delicious whimpering sound and that's it, she has to have him now.
She pushes against his shoulders until he rolls off of her and she straddles him, and they both grunt a little at the contact. She works on the buttons of his shirt for all of two seconds before she gets impatient and just rips, and buttons go flying everywhere and because it's Nick she's half expecting him to scold her for wrecking his shirt or making a mess but he doesn't, he just yanks the remainder of his shirt off and throws it somewhere behind him and then lunges for the side zipper on her dress. It takes a bit of wiggling but she's out of it pretty quickly and he throws that away from them somewhere, too, and then he's just staring down at her in her plain black bra and panties, mouth hanging open slightly, breathing ragged.
She guesses she's grown a bit since he's last seen her like this and she lets her lips curl up slowly into a seductive grin and purrs out, "Like what you see?" He keeps his eyes on her chest and nods clumsily up and down a few times, and she returns the sentiment as she admires his newly developed muscles. And then she goes for his belt buckle and everything in her brain that should be screaming at her to stop this shit right now has either given up or is being drowned out by the loud beating of her heart in her ears. After a little bit of maneuvering his pants are being thrown to the floor with the rest of their clothing and he's definitely grown since the last time they did this too and she bites her lip approvingly, and looks back up at his face again just in time to be all but tackled onto the bed.
He makes a sort of growling sound as he slams their lips together, and she moans into his mouth and their hands are everywhere on each other, learning all the things that had changed and all the things that had stayed the same. And she doesn't know how long they just make out in their underwear but suddenly his hands are working on the clasp of her bra, and he gets it in a couple tries and covers her breasts with his warm hands and both of them groan. And his hands are so soft and, oh, so are his lips and he's still so good at this and she's grinding her hips against his hard and taking in all of his familiar little noises and all of a sudden she's on top again and she's tucking her fingers into the waistband of his boxers and dragging them slowly down his legs until he gets them down low enough to kick them off.
And her lips are everywhere on his neck and she reaches down and wraps a hand around him and he moans her name and bucks his hips and it's so fucking hot and she strokes him for a while like that, watching his reactions with desperate eyes, and then before she knows what's happening he's flipping them again and yanking her panties down and then his fingers dip into her and oh, god it feels good and she tangles her fingers up in his curls the way she always used to and pulls just a little the way he always loved, and he groans softly and nips at her neck and moves his fingers faster and Jesus, he's not even inside her yet and this is already the best sex she's had in a long time.
She grabs him again and jerks him a little, and he grunts and bites down hard on her neck and then soothes the little patch of skin with his tongue and god, fuck, she has to have him now. She shifts around a bit underneath him until they're perfectly in position, all he has to do is thrust his hips... And she looks up and finds herself staring into his deep, endless brown eyes and suddenly her throat feels dry and her stomach is doing cartwheels because he's looking at her...he's looking at her the way he used to. The lust and the desire is there, there's plenty of it, but underneath it there's this look of caring and tenderness and love and she recognizes it so well and she just takes a few deep, gasping breaths because she doesn't want love or caring or tenderness, at least she thinks she doesn't...but his eyes are so sparkly and warm and they're like that because of her and suddenly she wants Nick's caring and tenderness and love more than she's ever wanted anything else.
"Are you sure?" he breathes out against her lips, still looking a bit shocked that this is happening. She keeps her eyes locked on his and nods. And he swallows hard, prepares himself, but then a flash of something crosses his face and he moves to get up.
Instinctively she locks her legs snug around his hips, wrapping her arms around his neck.
"C-condom," he tries to explain, his voice faltering as he feels her hot breath against his skin, and she just shakes her head. "Pill."
And suddenly with one hard thrust of his hips he's all the way inside of her, and they both gasp out loud and god, god, god, it's so good, even better than she remembers, and he presses shaky kisses all over her face and neck as he moves in and out of her, making needy little noises in the back of his throat. Her hands are all over his back, running along the contours of his muscles, her nails digging into his skin.
"Miley," he moans right beside her ear, all long and drawn out, and she's never heard anyone sound so hot and desperate before and she watches his face, watches his jaw tense every time he fills her, watches the intense pleasure dance in his eyes as he keeps them locked on hers. And, god, somehow watching him feel good makes her feel even better, and she whines deep in her throat and meets his thrusts with her hips and says his name as many times as her lungs can manage and she's never felt anything so amazing before.
They're both so worked up they can't last long, and she feels his steady rhythm start to falter, feels the kisses against her neck getting sloppier, his breathing getting faster. She knows he's getting close and she's right behind him, feeling the pressure build up in her stomach until every part of her body is tingling and she digs her nails into his shoulders and drags them down his back and that's just what he needs. He yells out her name, his voice breathless and uneven, and it's the most beautiful sound she's ever heard and with one last hard thrust he sends her over too and she throws her head back and echoes his name back to him and comes completely undone in his arms.
When she comes back down to Earth he's just holding her, staring at her with lazy, content eyes and a tiny smile, and he looks so good all rumpled up and satisfied that she almost lunges at him again right then. But then she takes a few more deep breaths and it hits her - oh, god, it all hits her.
She bolts straight up in the bed, knocking his arms off of her. God. She just had sex with Nick. Nick. She just fucked her ex-boyfriend. And she cheated. She's engaged. Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
She doesn't realize that she's nearly hyperventilating until she feels Nick rubbing soothing circles on her back.
"Calm down, Mi," he's saying to her softly. Mi. She wonders if he'd meant to call her that. It's such a small nickname but it conjures up so many memories and she turns and looks at Nick and he's giving her the most concerned, gentle look and god, gentleness, that's not what she wants. He's so different now than he was when they were younger, but those deep brown eyes are still the same and she doesn't know why but suddenly she feels tears stinging at her eyes and dammit, this is exactly why she didn't want to get any emotion involved.
"I'm sorry," Nick says desperately, looking almost close to tears himself, "We shouldn't have. I'm so, so sorry."
Her head is spinning and she buries it in her hands, trying to think, to calm herself down. It's not that bad, really. For one thing the sex was really good. And maybe that was just what she needed, a good lay, and maybe she'll stop being so stressed and worried all the time now. And it's not like she took some stranger home, she's comfortable with Nick and at least she knows he won't go to the media or anything, right? And yeah, she cheated on Liam but so fucking what, it's not like he's never cheated on her.
She relaxes a little, evens out her breathing. Things aren't as bad as they could be, everything's going to be fine. But when she looks over at Nick he's got his knees pulled up to his chest and his face buried in his arms, tugging lightly on his own short hair in distress. He's put his boxers back on and she figures he's probably trying to make her less uncomfortable and she wishes he wasn't so sweet because it would make this no-emotions-sex crap a lot easier.
"Nick?" She breathes out, and he raises his head and he looks so distraught it shocks her a bit and she almost pulls him to her and comforts him but she feels like that would really not help either of them in the long run.
"I'm sorry," he says again, and his voice shakes. "I should never have let that happen. You hate me even more now, don't you?"
"I don't hate you," she whispers, and he doesn't quite look like he believes it but he doesn't say anything.
"And I started everything, anyway," she adds. He just swallows, keeping his burning brown eyes fixed on on the wall.
"Don't be sorry," she says quietly, and she feels her cheeks heat up a bit, "I liked it. A lot."
He focuses his eyes on her then, and there's so many things swirling in them and for a moment she just takes in his face. She doesn't think she fully took the time to appreciate it earlier.
He's so beautiful.
"Me too," he says, just a breath above a whisper.
For a long, long time they just sit there and look at each other. Very suddenly she realizes that she's still naked and she feels herself blush as she starts searching around for her clothes, and as she finds her dress and pulls it over her head she realizes just as suddenly that she'd been sitting there naked the whole time and Nick had only looked into her eyes.
Once she's dressed she stands there for a moment at the foot of his bed and they just stare at each other some more, and god he's good looking and he's staring at her with this burning look that she really knows is only going to cause trouble in the emotions department so she swallows hard and against all her deepest wishes she mumbles, "I should get home."
She sees how very much he doesn't want her to go written across his face. "I guess so," he whispers. "Want me to walk you down?"
She shakes her head, focusing on breathing in and out. "I'll be fine."
He nods slowly, just looking at her like he's not sure what to do, and so she swallows and mumbles out, "Uh, thanks. For...everything."
He smiles, just a little. "Thank you for everything too."
She smiles at him, and even though she knows she shouldn't she leans down and kisses him on the cheek.
"Bye, Nick."
"Bye."
She takes a deep breath and then turns and walks away from him, out of his bedroom and down the stairs. She's halfway through cutting through the kitchen to get to the door when she nearly runs into someone and jumps back a step. She blushes furiously as he feels his eyes on her, mentally asking the universe if it was really necessary that another person know about this.
Joe looks at her long and hard, at her wild unkempt hair and the purple bruises dotting her neck, and he makes a little clicking sound with his tongue but he doesn't say a word. She refuses to meet his eyes but she can feel his gaze on her and it makes her feel even more awkward and out of place than she already did, and she almost tells him to fuck the hell off but she bites her lip because none of this is his fault, really, and also because she's kind of hoping if she doesn't say anything he'll leave her alone and maybe think this was all a dream tomorrow.
She realizes suddenly that she's not sure where she stands with him – with Joe. They'd been civil, even friendly, to each other for a long while after she and Nick had broken up (the first few times, anyway) and she'd never really figured he would be the type to hold a grudge, but the way his eyes are burning into her now are sort of making her rethink that. She wonders if there's some type of code for these things, how many times you're allowed to break someone's heart before their family starts taking it personally too. She figures if there's a limit, she's long since passed it.
She keeps her eyes focused pointedly on the wall a few feet away from him and feels very stupid and very small, because Joe has every reason in the world to hate her and if he wasn't Joe he would have probably already told her to get the hell out of his kitchen and never come back, and she can't say she would blame him if he did. He's under no obligation at all to like her even a little bit. But that doesn't make this, any of this, any easier. Because she and Joe, they used to be nearly brother and sister. And now he's looking at her like she's...like she's just some annoying, troublemaking slut who he just wishes would leave his little brother alone.
And that's exactly what she is, really.
She swallows hard and meets his eyes for just a moment, and for the briefest of seconds she finds herself searching them for some kind of a smile, some hint of understanding...a glimpse of her old almost-brother. She doesn't find anything and mentally scolds herself for almost expecting to.
She takes a deep breath and then turns on her heel and walks out of the kitchen and out of the apartment, her heels clicking loudly with every step, and she feels Joe's heavy gaze on the back of her head all the way home. She keeps her dress on because it smells like Nick and she sleeps better that night than she has in weeks. Liam doesn't come home until nearly three days later. She doesn't ask him where he's been.
It's become a thing.
It wasn't supposed to. It was meant all along to be a one time deal, just a moment of weakness and a release of frustration. She should never have called him a week later and asked him to come over and he should definitely never have left with her panties in his pocket and a new fuck buddy. But it's just that it's so good and it's so familiar and warm and so much easier than actually working out their problems and once they'd gotten a taste of this whole no-strings-attached-sex thing neither of them had been able to stay away. And it's such a bad idea for so many reasons. Someone's going to catch on, they're going to get caught, Liam's going to find out, their careers are going to be ruined...they're going to fall in love with each other all over again. But it's just so - he's just so - addicting and intoxicating and incredible and it's not like she's ever been presented with an opportunity to fuck things up and not taken it before, so why the hell should this time be any different.
It's almost comforting, in a way. The way Nick's body feels so familiar against hers. The way she can close her eyes and dig her nails into his shoulders and focus on the way his hips snap against hers and swear they were both sixteen again, still with so much growing up to do and still with futures that seem so bright. Because she feels sixteen when she's with Nick, when he runs his hands down her body and smiles when she shivers under his touch, when she tangles her fingers in his hair and nips at his neck and he makes those little sounds just like the ones he used to make except a couple octaves lower. She feels like this entire sex thing is all new and exciting and pleasureful and not just one of life's many necessary evils, something she has to do if she wants positive attention or reassurance that someone actually wants her or if she just wants Liam to shut the fuck up and leave her alone for the night. Something she damn well knows she better put up for the taking because if he can't get it from her he'll go and get it elsewhere. Kind of like she's doing, she guesses, but she doesn't think too much about that because then she might start feeling guilty or sad or angry or something else and Lord knows emotion of any kind is the last thing this little arrangement needs.
There's already plenty of emotion in it, of course, but they're both just kind of pretending there isn't and that's certainly okay with her. It is at first, anyway. After the first few times, though, she can feel something start to change. Feel the emotions start to change.
The sex isn't particularly emotional in and of itself - it's hard and fast and rough and just what they both need, and she figures everything about it says fuck buddies a lot louder than it says lovers. But it's all the little things, the things she can't believe she notices but always does, that make her feel like if she didn't know any better she'd think they were as good as married. The way his fingers are so gentle on her skin, how he caresses her so softly and slowly as if he has all the time in the world; the way her own voice sounds when she calls out his name, pressing her hips up against him desperately. The way they both remember every little thing the other one likes and how she feels so proud of herself when she finds one of his old spots and makes him cry out her name, or the way he chuckles low and lazy against her ear when she gets impatient underneath him and how his lips feel like they leave a deep imprint every time he presses them against that sweet spot on her neck, his breath hot on her skin as he whispers for her to relax.
Mostly, though, it's his eyes. His deep chocolate eyes and all the emotions she counts in them during their times together. It's the way they shine with pride when she yells his name and tugs hard on his hair; the way they sparkle with fondness and something else as he lays beside her and watches her come back to herself. Most of all it's the look he gets in his eyes when they lock onto hers in the last few moments before they both go over the edge, how he rests his forehead against hers and breathes hard and heavy against her lips and no matter how fast he's moving his hips into hers it always feels like everything is going slowly, like time has stopped and nothing in the world matters except Nick and his eyes and everything she sees in them. How he touches her more gently than should be possible while they're going so fast and wild and how he stares at her like she's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. His look is so tender and gentle and loving and it's everything she wants and the last thing she needs. Or maybe the other way around. She doesn't know anymore.
It's probably the sixth time, or maybe the seventh, and she'll be damned if he doesn't keep getting better and better and it's a good thing they're at her place and not his apartment because she'd have gotten the whole complex complaining by now (not that he's being very quiet, either). They go at it three times in a little over an hour and the third time she swears it's different, she doesn't know why but it is. They keep their eyes locked nearly the whole time and he touches her slowly in all the right places, and she doesn't know what possesses her to reach her hands up and put them on his cheeks but it seems like the right thing to do so she does and she wishes she didn't notice the way he melts into her touch. He's making those little grunting noises he always makes when he's close but they're just a bit different this time, more desperate, and he looks at her with fire in his eyes and then he leans down and presses his lips against hers, and the fireworks are as strong as ever. It's demanding and urgent but it's also passionate and sweet and he's thrusting in and out her fast but kissing her so slow, and she whimpers and sighs against his lips until he pulls away from her and throws his head back and cries out louder than she's ever heard him, and she thinks it sounds almost more anguished than pleasured.
And they hold each other tight as everything around them comes back into focus, and when it does he's looking at her with the very same look he'd given her in 2009, when they'd held each other this way after their first time. He just stares at her with this look in his eyes like he has everything he's ever wanted in his arms and he never ever wants to let her go and it's a look full of love if she's ever seen one and shit, fuck, this wasn't supposed to happen.
She rips her eyes away from his and buries her face into his chest and she tells herself she's just letting him cuddle her, but she knows she wants to be in his arms every bit as bad as he wants her in them. He brushes her sweaty hair out of her eyes and presses a gentle kiss to her forehead and when she looks up at him he's still giving her that look and suddenly she's drowning and she can't breathe and she swallows sharply and whispers, "I guess you should go."
She can tell he tries really hard not to let his face fall, and he almost succeeds but not quite. "Yeah," he whispers back after a minute, his voice wobbly, "I guess I should."
So he lets her go and stands up and slowly starts to get dressed, and she watches him carefully and she wishes she didn't feel so lonely without his arms around her. She tugs the sheet tight around her and wraps her arms around herself and he looks every bit as lost as she feels and just before he does up the last button on his shirt she says into the silence, "Liam won't be home until tomorrow night."
He raises his head and looks at her curiously, and she's not prepared for all the sadness she finds in his eyes and it makes her take a deep, slow breath in and this, this entire thing, was probably the worst idea she had ever had and this, right now, is probably a close second, but it doesn't stop her from whispering to him, "Why don't you stay."
And so he stays, and that kind of becomes the norm. Rarely does one of them leave right after anymore. More times than not they'll just snuggle up and breathe each other in and fall asleep together and while she plays with his curls in the middle of the night she tries not to think about how leaving or watching him leave in the morning is going to hurt so much worse than it should, and she stares at his sleeping face and draws little shapes on his shirt and she just thinks. Thinks about how she's cheating on the man she's supposed to marry and doesn't even feel guilty; thinks about how this whole thing was supposed to be just that one night and she doesn't know how it got so out of control. Thinks about how strong and comforting Nick's arms feel around her and how he smells like memories and her favorite cologne and thinks about that loving look he gives her every single time now as he comes down from his high. Thinks about how she keeps finding herself more and more wanting to hear him say it, to say it to him...to leave a trail of kisses across every inch of his skin and to touch his face more gently than she'd ever touched anything and to have him like this every day for the rest of her life and never have to know that one of them would have to leave in the morning.
She thinks it's about the twelfth time when she wakes up in the middle of the night to soft fluttering kisses against the back of her neck. She keeps her breathing even and deep and her eyes closed, and Nick runs his hands so gently up and down her arms and strokes her short hair out of her face with a touch so light she almost thinks she's just imagined it and leaves small, gentle kisses all over her skin wherever he can reach and in the dead of night, when he thinks she's asleep, he whispers softly that he loves her.
She sneaks out of his apartment just after the sun rises and is gone long before he wakes up.
They go nearly two weeks without each other after that, and it's more torturous than she'd been prepared for. She misses it more than she'd thought she would. And she misses the sex, the pleasure, the release, but she's almost shocked by how much more than that she misses the other things - the snuggling, the feel of Nick's arms around her, the near-silent whispers in the middle of the night. The feeling of being loved and wanted and cherished by someone. Being good enough for someone. Not having to compete with a bunch of blonde models or actresses. That look Nick gives her every time, like she's the most beautiful girl on Earth and he's just in awe of her...she thinks she misses that most of all. Being able to draw that look out of him. Being able to look at him and just see his love for her shining in his beautiful brown eyes.
She spends the whole first week without him thinking how very, very bad this all is. She isn't supposed to miss him, she wasn't supposed to have gotten so attached all over again. They were never supposed to let all the emotions get involved. Because this, her and Nick, it can't work and they know it. They've tried so many times and every time they've failed. And it's really too late to try again now anyway, because she's getting married and that's just the way it is, because they were both supposed to have gotten over this dumb little teenage romance years and years ago and they weren't supposed to still feel things about each other. When she and Nick are together they screw things up, that's just how things are. They mess up and they make mistakes and they hurt each other and they break each other's hearts, and she just doesn't think she can go through all of that one more time, no matter how warm and dizzy those big brown eyes still made her feel.
But none of that changes the fact that by the end of their second week apart her skin is almost crawling and she's grumpy and sad and lonely and lost and she can't believe how much she just misses. She misses Nick and she misses his loving looks and she misses the way he laughs into her ear when she jokes around in the middle of the night and she misses the way he holds her and makes her feel so safe and she misses his soft touches and sweet kisses and small noises and alright, yeah, she misses the sex too. But she doesn't think that takes away from the love part any because the love was part of the sex, really, and she thinks she has a right to miss it because it was really fucking good and she deserves to have at least one really fucking good thing in her life and also because, damn, there's nothing like good sex to really make you realize how bad bad sex truly is and she finds herself rather glad that Liam is going off and getting satisfied elsewhere, if only because it means she doesn't have to deal with him as often.
She tries not to think about what that says about her relationship, but she knows it certainly isn't good. But it's not like she could really be upset with him for cheating anymore because now she's cheating, too, and she wishes her life hadn't ended up so fucked up and dysfunctional but it had and she doesn't know what to do. She figures she's kind of boxed herself into a corner, because she's been telling everyone for so long that things were fine, that she and Liam were going strong, and now they definitely aren't and she doesn't want to have to listen to everyone say they told her so, doesn't want to hear the comments and the theories and the lies and the jokes. She doesn't want to tell her family, hear her brothers laugh about how they'd told her she wasn't mature enough to get married, listen to her mother yell, try to convince her to go back and fix things. That's all her mother ever does when things get bad with him, tell her to fix things, and she always had because, even though she thinks sometimes her mother likes Liam more than her, she knew she meant well and because she had wanted to fix things deep down, she guesses. But she doesn't this time, and that's the difference.
She realizes it all at once, in the middle of the night one night while she's lying in bed alone and missing Nick's arms around her and suddenly realizes she doesn't know where Liam is and then even more suddenly realizes she doesn't care. And she just thinks about that for a moment, because she honest to God does not care where he is, and she spent so many months and months lying awake at night crying and agonizing over where he was and now it all seemed so stupid. Who cares if Liam cheats, who cares if he leaves her for someone who's prettier or sexier or skinnier or less trouble.
And it just hits her, that she doesn't want this, that maybe her parents want it and her fans want it but she doesn't want it, not anymore. She doesn't want to get married, she doesn't want this to be her life. She did once, but she doesn't anymore and once she realizes it she doesn't know why it wasn't all so crystal clear months earlier. Because she'd loved Liam, she'd loved him a lot for a long time, and she'd wanted to marry him and she'd wanted to fix things every time they got broken. But she doesn't want that anymore and she doesn't love him anymore and they've broken one too many times and this time she doesn't want to fix it, doesn't even want to try.
She lays awake that night and just thinks for a good long time, about Liam, about Nick, about herself, about everything. Her fingers are itching to grab her phone and call Nick up and it's not like she couldn't have done that at any time, not like she couldn't have saved herself two weeks of missing, but she'd kind of been wanting to see if he would do it first. But she knows he won't, not after she left him last time, not after he thinks she probably isn't interested in their little arrangement anymore and probably wants nothing to do with him, and he figures he's probably a little scared to test his limits and she wishes she could say that was unreasonable but with all the times she's hurt him in the past, she doesn't think it is. She's not going to wait for Nick to call first, she decides. She's done letting guys call all the shots for her. She's going to call him. She's going to call him and ask if she can come over and she's going to go fix the only truly important thing that she'd ever allowed to get broken.
When Liam comes home the next morning she's waiting for him in the living room, holding her engagement ring in her hand. She'd cried a little earlier, because this was a really big thing she was doing and she wouldn't be able to change her mind and her entire life was going to be affected, and she'd thought at first that she was crying because she would miss him but then she realized she really wouldn't. The guy she used to think he was, maybe, but she'd been missing him for a long while already anyway. That was the moment when she really knew she was making the right choice - when she realized she'd miss the memory more than the actual guy. She's not crying anymore when he walks through the door and she'd been almost worried seeing him would set the tears off again, but it doesn't.
It's not nearly as dramatic as she'd imagined it would be. She walks up to him slowly and opens his hand and presses the ring into it, and he looks at it and then at her and his expression is just sort of knowing, like he'd been expecting it. And she tells him that she's sorry, because she guesses she is, but that she's just so exhausted and she can't do this anymore and doesn't want to try, and he looks upset and he tells her that he loves her and she waits for tears to well up in his eyes but they don't. And she thinks about Nick's face the last time she'd ended things with him, about his red puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks and the most heartbroken expression she'd ever seen, and then she looks at Liam standing in front of her and thinks he looks more mad than anything and she guesses that about says it all.
She closes his fingers around the ring and she tells him it's been real good (because it had been for a while, a long time ago) and that she'll come by and get the rest of her things later on, and then, after a moment's pause, she leans up on her toes and pecks him on the lips. She doesn't feel anything. No fireworks, not even little sparks. She tries to remember if she ever felt anything kissing him and she thinks she did, a long while ago, but she knows she doesn't anymore and she knows she's doing the right thing and she looks into Liam's eyes as she tells him goodbye and when she walks out the front door she doesn't look back.
When she gets to Nick's apartment she leans against the doorbell, thinking she probably should have called first but after all the daring things she'd already done today showing up unannounced is nothing. When the door swings open she looks up and meets a different pair of brown eyes than she'd been expecting, and Joe just kind of blinks at her and he looks a little less than thrilled to see her but not nearly as much as last time. He knows all about her and Nick's little arrangement, he does live with Nick after all, but since they'd always tried to only meet at the apartment when he wasn't home she hadn't seen him face-to-face since that very first night. Very suddenly she wonders if Nick ever talks about her, if he ever tells his brother about all the feelings towards her he doesn't understand and all the ways they keep fucking things up and all the times they'd broken each other and how they were working so hard on putting each other back together. Joe has this little tiny spark in his eye that makes her think maybe he does.
And he steps aside and lets her in, jerks his head in the direction of the stairs and then he seems to just think for a second, before one side of his mouth twitches up in a very small smile.
"He'll be happy to see you," Joe says, and his tone is kind of wise, knowing, like he thinks it's about time they figured this shit out, and she thinks so, too. She smiles at him brightly and heads upstairs and she knocks twice on Nick's bedroom door and then decides she's too impatient and opens it anyway.
He's lying flat on his back on the bed and doesn't really seem to be doing anything besides staring at the ceiling. He sits up when he sees her, staring at her in confusion, and his eyes start to shine as soon as they land on her and she doesn't know if she's ever truly noticed before that they've always done that, ever since they were thirteen. And she'd meant to talk a little bit first but suddenly she can't wait and she throws herself onto his lap and crashes their lips together, and it's so amazing, a full fireworks show. She kisses him long and wet and deep until she can't breathe and then she pulls back and presses her forehead to his and they just stare at each other, and he's breathing heavily against her lips and it's sending sparks through her entire body but she doesn't want to get all hot and heavy right now, doesn't want to be fuck buddies who are just helping each other out. She wants to be so much more and she can see in Nick's eyes that he wants to, too, that he always has, and she swallows and tells him, "I broke up with Liam."
He blinks once, and then twice. He just stares at her, and the look on his face is so shocked and confused and adorable that she would have laughed out loud if she wasn't in the middle of a serious announcement.
"You did what?"
"I broke up with Liam," she repeats, still a bit breathless. "I broke up with him and gave him his ring back and then I got in the car and I came here because last night I realized that everything I thought mattered really doesn't and the only thing that actually matters is you."
She pauses for a breath and he blinks again. Stares at her for a good long while like he's sure she must be playing a trick on him. And then, finally, he smiles.
"So what are you saying, exactly?" he asks her, pressing their foreheads together again. It's more of a nuzzle than anything, just a little gesture of affection and it makes her melt and she leans in and kisses him again quickly.
"I'm saying..." she says slowly, looking deep into his eyes and they're so hopeful and bright and she hasn't seen them look this way in a long time and she feels a lot of things all at once, because that emptiness his eyes had held for so long had been because of her, but this, this look of hope and happiness, it was because of her too, and she'd screwed everything up so many damn times but it wasn't too late like she thought it had been, it wasn't too late to fix it.
"That I love you," she breathes out finally, and he takes a sharp breath in, almost a small gasp, and his eyes are so sparkly and warm and happy and she bets that for the first time in a long time, hers are too. "And I don't want to be your damaged ex-girlfriend who helps you get off sometimes. I don't want to be your fuck buddy. I want to be..."
She can't find the word. He's smiling, now. Big and wide and with teeth, and she knows he's truly happy.
"Everything," she finishes quietly. "I want to be your everything."
He laughs, low and soft, and when it hits her ears it sounds like a beautiful melody and he pulls her into his arms as tight as he can and whispers to her, "You already are, Mi. You always have been."
And she suddenly feels tears behind her eyes because she'd almost forgotten what this felt like, to look into someone's eyes and just feel like she was loved and special and important, and she and Nick had damaged each other so much and Liam had damaged her maybe even more but for the first time in a very long time she feels like maybe none of that damage is beyond repair. And Nick is looking at her with brown eyes so warm and lazy and happy and suddenly the pit of her stomach is filled with heat and she finds herself pressing her lips against his tenderly, and then a little harder, and when she pulls back from the kiss she bites down softly on his bottom lip and whispers in his ear, "What do you say we be fuck buddies just one more time?"
He laughs loudly this time, such a beautiful sound, and nuzzles his nose against hers and lets himself slide back down on the bed, pulling her on top of him, looking at her like she's everything he's ever wanted and he's finally, finally got her.
"Sounds good to me."
WOW I'VE NEVER WRITTEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE IN MY LIFE I'M GOING TO GO HIDE UNDER MY BED BYE