Oh, another one-shot. It's just out of the blue and this came to me and annoyed me to hell so yeah… and it's a little mystery but nothing you can't figure out so don't complain! :P
Bold is John's memories.
Italics are John's letters.
I Want To Fly
Rated: T – light angst
Summary: They don't understand that I spend too much time running away. I don't want to be haunted by his scent and I don't want to be haunted by his shattered pieces and I don't want to see him anymore. CENATON one-shot.
Genre: Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort
Can't they understand?
They don't understand that I spend too much time running away. I don't want to be haunted by his scent and I don't want to be haunted by his shattered pieces and I don't want to see him anymore. They just can't see, can they?
I'm in too much pain to think and breathe. Too much agony to feel alive.
I'm in too much fear to fall in love again and I think I've lost my energy and most times, I find myself looking into the mirror and feeling like there's nothing on the other side and I feel so very exposed every time I hide behind a fake smile and every time I hide beyond a plastered smile, it just hurts—it hurts more when I know that they can see right through it all and see my pain.
They know I'm just in pain.
I've never seen happiness in a long time.
I just spend my days wrestling and not caring if I lost or won, the only thing that's kept me alive is gone right now and I'm just so very tired and exhausted and I feel like every time I sleep, I wake up to face a world that doesn't want me or need me anymore because I feel like a dead man walking.
I have nothing to live for.
Not since he's left.
He's left and he's taken my heart and my soul and all of me, and all that's left is this crumpled piece of me. He's taken my confidence, taken it all—and it doesn't make any difference to him.
Yet I'm just so very in love with him.
Randy Orton.
It's always been Randy Orton and it always will be.
I'm so very cut deep inside of him.
I've taken the last shreds of my heart, the bloodied, horrid pieces of my life and love and—it's just nothing now, all I've worked for, gone and lost, all I've worked for, shredded, torn, ripped into pieces onto the floor and all I could do is lock those pieces shut into my this black dungeon I've lived in and I don't want anyone to hurt me anymore.
I don't know if I've suffered enough but part of me thinks that I have.
I spend my days, writing letters, letters to him, telling him, begging for him to come back and all that they can think about is how much I need help—I don't need him and I'm not crazy, I'm just haunted and I'm just broken. It's always been like this for me and all I could do is look back at how my life's been torn out of my reach and just hope that someday, I'd have hope…hope is all I need to live…and I don't have any of it. It's all stolen.
Drops of rain fall down onto the floor.
It's a horror movie on reply right now…
I've been dating Cody Rhodes for around two years and I think it's love but I don't know for sure because I was never really in love and then, there's the sound of footsteps colliding in the air and Randy's concentrated blue eyes stir with rage and fury and his hand grabs onto mine and I can just feel my heart explode with confusion and fear as Randy brings me so close to his drenched body and his head's on my shoulder and he kisses my neck, soft and quick, and I hear the voice of Cody as the rain's music falls down, harsh and hard, demanding and commanding, all pain and all fury, it's just like this blurry distorted surreal of horror at that back of my head.
The music's now my horrifying melody…
"You cheater!" Cody screams as he runs off and I find myself running after him, pounding my fist to the building in front of me and I see as Cody falls down onto the ground with a shaking body and I find myself leaning down to him, and Randy's footsteps echo through the rainy pavements and I find myself squeezing onto Cody's body but hearing him complaining. "Get the hell away from me, John! I gave you another chance! I didn't think that you'd do this to me—again…"
You've always broken me. Yet I still need you around. I still need your touch. I still need your kiss. I still need you… why'd you leave me all alone? Hurt and shattered? So very away from the world?
Cody stands up and me, still on the ground, watch as he leaves, every step he takes to the ground, is a stomp on my heart as I angrily look at Randy Orton, standing up and holding him by his shoulder, feeling his calm body under my touch, and then looking back into those cold eyes, "get the hell out of my face. I don't want to freaking see you again, you get me? Why do you have to ruin what Cody and I have? Why?"
I thought that you were out to rupture my life but you've only made it better, made me feel loved and even if you'd taken it away, it was nice being in Heaven, but now, I'm just burning into Hell.
Randy simply stares at me and then he puts his arms around my neck and kisses me hard before walking away and the only thing I hear is a faint voice in the wind, his voice, soft and forceful, "because I know that we and I can have something, Cena."
Oh, Randy…
We were born to fly.
We were supposed to take off, forget reality, reach no limits, and the sky is ours and we control the world around us, our world, our life, it's just ripped out of my way right now and nothing's left anymore…nothing…nothing but a broken past and haunted memories and scarred thoughts and nothing but pain and agony as our wings break off, our perfect angel wings, and Heaven decides to throw me in Hell because I'm not worthy of you. I've never been worthy of you.
The rain.
Soft, pelts of water…
It's our music.
It's haunting me.
We kiss.
It just makes me feel so empty inside knowing that.
It's all perfect.
Now, it's all broken. All shattered. All nothing.
Plastered love.
Now plastered pain.
Broken kisses.
Every time I remember it, it makes me feel like I can never love again and it makes me want you again and again, more and more…to taste that taste one more time and to smell your intoxicating scent, Randy…
Forever.
Forever just hates me.
We're angels that embrace each other so that we can fly off into the world because we need each other and we both only have one wing, we can only fly, holding and clasping onto each other…until our hearts and our soul and us just become one person.
Instead, we're just lost. Two people that are more separated than ever.
I felt connected with you.
Now, I'm just away from you.
And you just left.
Left me standing, hanging onto a rope, choking.
Bluntly ran away.
Just left me, like everyone leaves me…
I'm running away too now.
I can't escape all of this.
These thoughts of you—why'd you leave me?! Why'd you run off into nothing? Why? I don't need to hurt me this way. I don't need you to break me into nothing but you have and I don't think I can be human again. Just dead. Just gone inside. And I'm lost without you guiding me and…
I'm just pathetic.
Running away from horror and nightmares.
They still follow me. Still haunt me. Still leave their mark.
Will this ever end?
Only in the day I die…
I'm standing here and they're all sad here and I just can't register where I am but whatever I say—everything just ignores me and it makes me feel all so very invisible. Can't they see me? Can't they look at me anymore and as watch as they stand there, grieving—why are they grieving?
My head just hurts so very much.
It's just I've just woken up from a million year sleep.
There's a tombstone right in front of me.
RIP
JOHN CENA
Loving son and friend
1977—2009
reunited with Randy Orton…
Right next to that, there's another tombstone and my heart basically explodes from my chest and tears threaten to leak out of my eyes.
RIP
RANDY ORTON
Loving son, friend, husband and father
1980—2009
May he live on in the skies…
I feel a hand on my shoulder and look at Randy Orton, with tears leaking out of my eyes and he wipes them away with his hand, "John…I can't believe you'd do that…" his voice's so soft that it hurts me on the inside.
"I needed to," I whispered.
"You killed yourself," he says in disbelief and I can only nod my head. Having him, an angel, close by me, hand on me, his eyes staring at me, his perfection glazing before me, it all just makes me feel like the bad memories are fading and all that's left now is me and him, Randy and John, reunited, after what feels like too long…
"I need you, Randy. I can't live without you," John says, looking down at the ground, "I thought you left me."
"John, you were in an asylum for two years. You had to make up some excuse. You couldn't believe I was dead and it hurt me to see you like that…see you all broken hearted…you needed hope after I died. So you lied to yourself. Lies are easier to believe than the truth, John…" Randy stares at me, approving as his hands hold onto mine and we're embracing each other, hard and high, and it feels like I've done this forever as our souls lift up in the skies and we fly…
The entire horrid human memories just fading away.
I can't crash. I can't burn.
I hold onto Randy as we fly to our place in Heaven…
That's cute. And slightly dark but you got to admit the ending was cute…sorta. I've never really written anything this soft at the end so please forgive me if it's too bad. I just needed to channel out some creativity and this idea was bothering me like Hell. Review? Encourage me to write more fluff? IMPOSSIBLE! But you gotta try, right? I want to be slightly fluffy in some fics. Sorrowfully, I've been writing too much angst I forgot how it feels like to write something fluffy.
;) Sam