All standard disclaimers apply. This is a more or less complete rewrite of an earlier story, which I hope improves and expands on the original concept. I finished it the day before going to see Serenity, and I'm rather proud to note that in certain areas I anticipated the course of the film rather successfully. I owe no little inspiration to silk1's outstanding 'What Just Happened?' (see my Favourite Stories page) for this, particularly River's change of image.
Author's Note: Kaylee's Chinese expression was lifted from 'Ambrosia' by Karanina; a full translation can be found there, and it's a rather good story as well!
Serenity cruised at half her maximum speed, running on autopilot. The crew slept, expect for Zoe and Wash, but let's not go down that road...
Simon turned over in his sleep, murmuring something that probably made sense in his dream. He would be mildly disturbed to recall somewhat later that it had involved Kaylee.
River was still, so still that an observer would have to look very closely to be sure she was breathing. But that wouldn't last. The complicated formula that Simon had given her before she went to bed was bonding with enzymes in her brain tissue, causing dramatic chemical and neurological changes. In accordance with the long-held tenet of medical practice, 'when in doubt, treat the symptoms and hope', Simon had stayed very close the Academy's pharmaceutical regime. And now the programme was entering its concluding phase...
River suddenly sat wide awake. "Oh, go se," she said to herself, more in irritation than alarm. "What's happening this ti-" Suddenly, she was gripped by a violent seizure that lasted nearly ten minutes. Simon half-fell out of bed, grabbing for a syringe of anti-convulsive, but couldn't get close enough to administer it. At last, River became still, and in a show of commendable pragmatism she promptly went back to sleep.
She awoke in the infirmary, head pounding. "Rut, have I ever got a headache," she remarked. "Got some aspirin in here, bro?"
"Not until I finish checking your blood chemistry; it might not mix too well with that last shot I gave you. Apart from the headache, how do you feel?" he asked carefully. She hadn't sounded like that in a long time.
River gave it some thought. "How does 'sane' grab you? All the... static, the little fears and stray thoughts, they've gone out of my head. It feels like you drilled a few holes to let them out, though." She gave him an impish grin. "I don't know what you did or how you did it, but mission accomplished, doc!"
Simon threw his arms around her, tears in his eyes. "Welcome back, mei-mei," he whispered. "Now, I'm going to put an ECG reader on you to see if everything's how it's supposed to be..."
What's the old adage about gift horses? she thought to herself wearily.
"Gift?" Simon snorted. "This is the product of nine months of blood, sweat and tears, and not just from me."
"I didn't say that out loud, Simon," River said slowly. Simon just stared at her. "Perhaps you'd better hook me up to that thing after all."
"It's incredible. Your brainwaves are thirty hertz above normal, right across the board. Anyone who tries reading your aura will need sunglasses!" Simon quipped. "The actual patterns are pretty much normal, far as I can tell. That's all I can tell with the equipment I have here. Headache still there?"
"Sorta."
"Well, there's some painkillers by the sink. Your blood work says it should be okay, but only take the one for now."
"Okay. Keep an eye on that screen; I'm gonna try something..." She reached out a hand, closed her eyes, and concentrated. The bottle of analgesics leapt across the room. River caught it expertly, and dry-swallowed a capsule.
Simon finally stopped opening and closing his mouth in complete astonishment. River winked at him. "Neat, huh?"
Dazed but cheerful, Simon crawled back into bed. This was something to sleep on. Hey, whatever else has happened, my kid sister's right back to her old self, he thought. But what the hell am I gonna do with the rest of my life?
That was also something to sleep on. His last coherent thought before succumbing to blissful oblivion was that he was going to have a hell of a job explaining all this to the others...
Mal dragged himself from his bunk, dragged on last night's clothes and went to make coffee before he fell straight back down and dozed off again. He was not a morning person.
To his mild surprise, River was already awake. "Mornin'," he remarked gruffly, noting with approval that she'd obeyed Standing Order Number Five: Whoever gets up first puts the coffee on.
"Awake, beloved, for morning in the cup of night has flung in the spoon and put the stars to flight," River quoted mock-solemnly. (Author's Note: I think the correct version is from Kublai Khan, but I only know it from my mother quoting it at me when she's cajoling me out of bed.) "No, that can't be right, can it?"
"That was pretty coherent by your standards," Mal remarked, adding cream and sugar. He downed about half of it in one go, burning the worst of the fog from his brain. "Anybody else awake?"
"Kaylee, but she's up to her elbows in the primary air-recycling system; she says it went down some time last night, but the backup came on automatically so it wasn't worth waking anybody up over."
Mal looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "My, you are feeling better this morning. Your brother gonna have to find himself a new vocation in life?"
River cocked her head. "Could be. Not saying exactly the wrong thing every time he comes close to getting in with Kaylee might be a start!" Mal choked on his coffee.
The crew convened in the lounge, whilst Simon briefly outlined what he knew. "Skipping the medical jargon, River's brain has been... rewired. Don't ask me how all this is happening, or why, but it is. You want to demonstrate, River?"
Sure thing, bro. She lifted an unoccupied armchair. Impressed?
"Ho... ly... shit!" Zoe breathed. The others just stared. Then erupted.
"How the hell...?"
"You can not be ruttin' serious!"
"That just isn't possible!"
"This is some kind of mass hall... hallu... delusion!"
One at a gorram time! River bellowed mentally. They fell silent. "Thank you. And believe me, this isn't all that Blue Sun did. Jayne, can I ask a favour of you?"
They assembled in the cargo bay. On a small table, Jayne placed the disassembled parts of a small pistol. On one of the walkways, Kaylee hung a small wooden target. The others stood well back. Jayne made a point of standing behind Simon.
River's hands blurred. In less than five seconds, the pistol had locked open on a dry clip and the target had five neat holes in the centre. She put the pistol down, and gave them another impish smile.
Jayne applauded enthusiastically. "Holy mother of God, that was ruttin' amazing!" Nervous as he was around her, he knew and appreciated talent when he saw it.
Simon just gaped.
"They turned my body into a weapon," River said quietly. "But my soul... you got me out before they could touch that, Simon." The mood passed. "And just wait until those assholes in the blue gloves come along again!"
"Cheer up, doc," Jayne said quietly. "Ain't you she's threatened to kill with her brain." Simon presumed he was trying to be helpful.
And who started it? River enquired.
You, by tryin' to ruttin' kill me! Jayne roared inside his head.
It was a... premonition, you might say. I saw you were going to betray us some time in the future, so..."
I only called the gorram Alliance because you stuck me, you crazy gorram girl! Jayne spent the rest of the day lying in his bunk with all the lights off and a wet cloth over his face trying to wrap his head around that one.
They set down on some nameless little planet on the Rim, and sought a new job. River had gone off on her own, with a promise to be back by sunset. Even Simon didn't bother arguing, merely exhorting her to keep out of trouble.
When the crew returned from their various errands, they barely recognised her. River had acquired a figure-hugging black leather jacket and equally tight blue jeans, completing the ensemble with calf-high brown leather cowboy boots. Her hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail, and she wore a chic pair of sunglasses.
"Who are you, and what have you done with River?" Kayle asked, giggling.
"Oh, now this is the River I remember," Simon remarked. "If Dad saw you like that he'd go nuts!"
"Suits me," she replied. "Oh, Jayne? I got this off a guy who tried to rob me. I'll trade you it for that little ceramic thing you call Sarah-Louise." She held up a literally huge revolver, one that 'Dirty' Harry Callahan would have admired. Simon's mouth opened and closed a few times, but no sound came out. Jayne examined the pistol with interest.
"Ain't been looked after too well, but she oughta scrub up real pretty. You got yourself a deal, girl."
River took delivery of Sarah-Louise, along with a suppressor and a discrete holster to go in the small of her back. The miniature automatic wasn't especially powerful, but it was virtually undetectable and lethally effective at close range. Her kind of gun.
Kaylee busied herself with an uncooperative power converter, trying to keep her mind away from what their handsome chief medical officer's oh-so-skillful hands could do besides fix what was broken inside a person's body. If only she wouldn't keep taking offence when he tripped over his words...
A crackle of high-voltage current sent her across the room. "Ni ta ma de tian xia suo you de ren dou gai si! And especially Simon for making me not concentrate!" Kaylee sat up carefully, and went to get something done about her severely scorched fingers.
"Sorry, Kaylee," River said to herself, "but if I don't get you two in the same place for long enough then we're all gonna find out what going insane feels like. And take it from me, it's no gorram fun at all!"
Simon groaned. "What does she want with an entire bottle of laxatives?" He shrugged. We'll find out soon enough.
Kaylee entered, wincing in pain. "Got something for this, doc?"
"What happened? Grab a live wire by mistake?"
Kaylee nodded. "Something like that."
"Okay, let me have a look... Sheesh, that's a nasty one. Now, the stuff I'm going to spray on this will really, really hurt, but it's necessary. Burns that get infected are very not fun. Ready?"
"No, but do it anyway... Yeow!" She winced. "I could de-grease the gorram engine with that stuff!"
"You took that very well," Simon remarked helpfully, applying a sterile dressing. "I interned in a hospital near a substation, so I used to see quite a few burns like this one, and some of those guys had the guests down in the basement complaining about the noise they made. They also usually hit me, which I'm glad to say you've never done even with provocation."
Kaylee looked down. "I always feel bad after we fight.."
"So do I. What is it about the girls I like that make me say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?" She collapsed with laughter. "There I go again."
She wrapped her arms around him. "I'm kinda flattered that I can make you so tongue-tied, doc," she whispered, kissing him gently on the cheek.
Instinct took over. Simon spun around and kissed her full on the mouth. She didn't respond at first, and for a fraction of a second he was afraid he'd blown it again. But then she pulled him back towards her and the next time they parted it was from lack of breath. "Wow," he said quietly. "I guess I finally got something right."
River rapped on the glass of the infirmary door, readying a small camera she'd borrowed from Wash for the occasion. CLICK. The acute terror on her brother's face and Kaylee's already defensive expression were immortalised for posterity. Before they could take any further action, River tapped the lock with her index finger. It clicked shut. "We'll let this be our little secret, shall we? Nobody should come looking for you for another couple of hours, so have fun!" she swaggered off.
"That little minx!" Simon fumed. "That gorram picture's gonna come back to haunt us, I guarantee!"
"Maybe, but we do get plenty of time to ourselves in here..." Kaylee purred.
"Yeah, I guess." He kissed her again.
Mal watched with interest as Jayne suddenly put aside his coffee and ran out of the room. "River, what did you do to him?" But she was gone. On the kitchen counter stood an open bottle of laxatives and a partly used roll of lavatory paper. "Oh, now that's just low!" A despairing howl and a stream of invective indicated that Jayne held with this view.
"Well, that about makes us even for Ariel," River called through the door. Jayne's reply does not bear repeating here.
Mal gave it ten minutes, then pity overcame even him. Eyes screwed shut and free hand clamping a handkerchief over his mouth and nose, he partly opened the door to the head and passed Jayne some paper.
"Thanks, Cap'n. You know somethin'? I think I miss the crazy River."
Mal just laughed. "Look on the bright side, Jayne. There's worse stuff in there than laxatives!" He started towards the infirmary to return the laxatives, but River intercepted him just in time.
"I wouldn't go down there just yet, skipper. I locked him and Kaylee in there until they could... resolve their issues." Kaylee could be heard giggling in the background. "Sounds like they're making progress."
Mal gently banged his head against a convenient bulkhead, reflecting that Jayne might just have a point.
Jubal Early carefully parked his ship above the ancient Firefly-class transport he'd come to violently dislike. Sending his ship in his general direction had been a nice gesture on River's part, he'd give her that, but it was one hell of a thing to take in the small of the back!
He examined the outer airlock door with care. A small magnetic contact was linked to a keypad, presumably operating the alarm system. Early shook his head at their foolishness at putting it on the outer hull, and went to work on the contact with a screwdriver and some tape. Once it was secured, he pushed open the hatch and stepped inside. Once it had pressurised, he carefully unsealed the inner hatch... and was rewarded with an earsplitting screech as the alarm went off.
"Terrific," he muttered, examining the inner hatch. There was another magnetic contact rig; the one on the outside was a decoy. "I am not getting paid enough for this!"
He made haste for the engine room, to find his intended hostage and that gorram doctor pointing guns at the door and trying not to panic. He ducked the wild volley of gunfire, drawing his own pistol and taking refuge behind the door. "I oughta put in for overtime," he grumbled.
"Looking for me?" River called teasingly. Early whistled appreciatively at her new look, then noticed the crowbar she was holding.
"Well, well. Haven't you picked up an attitude since we last spoke?"
River offered him a predatory smile, and leapt. Early ducked the crowbar and swung a roundhouse kick, but she arched her back and dodged, then stabbed out with the end of the crowbar. Early caught it and wrenched it away from her, lashing out with his free hand. River staggered back, wiping blood from her lip.
"Oh, now you've got me really mad," she snarled.
With a bloodcurdling yell of rage, Simon lashed out at Early with an eighteen-inch pipe wrench, but he caught the enraged doctor's arm and they ended up wrestling for control of the weapon. Early finally dispatched Simon with a knee to the groin.
"You just don't know when to get out when you're ahead, do you Mr Early?" River said sweetly. The crowbar leapt from the deck into her outstretched hand. Then she hurled it with unnatural strength, sending him crashing to the ground, gasping for breath. Once he could open his eyes, he saw Kaylee glaring back at him over the sights of her pistol.
"Go on, give me an excuse, asshole!" Early's arm shot out with reptilian speed and caught her gun arm, then pulled her forward. With commendable presence of mind, she landed with one knee firmly planted in his nether regions. By the time he had recovered, River was standing over him with the crowbar.
"Hey, maybe it'll be third time lucky," she said brightly, then rendered him unconscious with a single blow to the side of his head.
He regained consciousness in the medical bay, firmly strapped down and wearing nothing but his boxers. His head pounded.
"I am very pissed with you, Mr Early." Her voice would have made him leap a foot in the air if he'd been able to move a muscle. "Last time you got onboard you threatened to rape my best friend, shot my brother -who I concede can be rather annoying from time to time- and tried to drag me back to the people who used my brain as their pincushion and tried to turn me into a humanoid weapon of mass destruction, none of which endears you to me."
Listening to this on the intercom, the others exchanged significant looks. "Somebody's having fun," Simon muttered nervously.
"Now," River continued, "there are an awful lot of very interesting things I could do to you right now. Unless I severely misunderstand your psyche, you would enjoy it far less than I." Early hastily suppressed an inopportune but not altogether unattractive mental picture of River in a leather catsuit and wielding a riding crop upon his naked flesh. "However, in exchange for your cooperation I might be persuaded to forgo such diversions.
"Now, this is what I want you to do. You are going to take me back to the Academy, but on my terms. Once you have done so, I suggest you take the money and get as far away as humanly possible, because I'm gonna be raising all kinds of Cain down there."
"And if I refuse?" he enquired, just out of idle curiosity.
River prowled around to face him, holding a scalpel. Her hand blurred, and the scalpel was sticking out of the table about three millimetres from Early's favourite extremity. "You will sincerely wish to reconsider," she replied with a sweet little smile.
"Just wondering."
"A jailbreak?" Simon spluttered. "Mother of Christ, just when I thought you'd stopped being crazy..."
"It's a good plan," Mal replied. "Kaylee, can we carry sixty extra bodies without life-support going down?"
"We handled forty head of cattle, so why not?"
"Okay. Wash, how hard will it be to track Mr Early's ship without the Alliance suspectin' nothing?"
"Regular position reports to our Cortex account shouldn't be traceable. If they make the trade at a rendezvous with another ship it might be tricky, but we can work on that."
Mal nodded. "I say it sounds doable. What do you think, people?"
"I'm in," Zoe said firmly.
"Long as I get to bring Vera!" Jayne added.
"Right behind you, captain," Kaylee replied.
Wash grinned. "Who else is gonna be wheel-man?"
Book looked thoughtful for a long moment. "What they are doing to those children is an atrocity against God and Man," he replied at last. "The holy scriptures say that if a man knoweth a deed to be good and he doeth it not, then it is a sin." (Author's Note: Don't ask me for chapter and verse, but something like this does indeed appear somewhere in the New Testament.)
Simon shrugged. "If I don't go, I've got even less chance of stopping River from getting herself killed."
Over the next half hour, they thrashed out the fine details of the plan. Early received a thorough and graphic description from Jayne of the consequences of anything going wrong for which he was responsible. River accessed Early's shipboard computer and made sure she could use her Cortex account from onboard, then set up the repeat-transmit signal.
"We're all set, folks," she reported a few minutes later. "All you gotta do now is wait by the front door with the engine running!"
Early was ushered none too gently aboard his ship by Simon. "You screw this up, you die. Got that?"
The bounty hunter smiled. "If I screw this up I don't get paid. All the incentive I need, kid."
River followed him over the threshold. "Don't be late, folks!" she said, grinning.
"Why are you doing this?" Simon asked quietly.
"They're my friends, Simon. There are a lot of people in there who mean a lot to me." She was silent for a moment. "Wish me luck!" And with that, the hatch slammed closed.
"You know, I think there might be a boy involved," Kaylee remarked. Simon winced.
They tailed the ship for three days, at which point it docked with an Alliance fast-patrol ship. "Looks like we might have a problem," Wash said quietly. "That thing's twice as fast as we are."
"I'll try and hack their computers and find out where we're headed," River replied confidently. "Otherwise, I'll call you from the Academy with the coordinates."
Early put her in handcuffs. "I'll take them off before I leave," he promised. "All set?"
"Set."
He shoved her roughly through the airlock, mindful of the camera he was sure was hidden in here somewhere. There's such a thing as overacting, buddy, she remarked, the words arriving in his brain without passing through his ears. Early tried hard not to shudder.
"Well done, Mr Early. Here's your fee." A man in a conservative suit -accessorising for reasons of his own with blue latex gloves- handed over a large suitcase. Early accepted it, and satisfied himself that all was in place.
"You paid him more than you were going to pay Jayne," River remarked, earning a couple of winces. Gotcha! I bet the Finance Department were real happy with you two, she thought to herself.
Early removed the handcuffs. "Hope you don't mind, gentlemen, but these things can be quite hard to come by. Nice doing business with you." He attempted the Olympic record for the 100 Metre Nonchalant Walk on his way back to his ship.
"Well, Miss Tam, we'll soon have you back home. It seems your brother performed remarkably well in helping you through a fairly difficult time. He could have done considerable damage in pulling you away from the programme like that." River fought the urge to telepathically garotte the oily little bastard. "Don't worry, we'll soon have you back with your friends."
I'm sure you will, buddy. And boy oh boy, are you ever gonna be surprised at what happens after that!
She was shown into a set of guest quarters, complete with food dispenser and Cortex terminal. The door locked behind her. Not completely stupid, then. But there's one thing you don't know about me. She sat down at the terminal and began tapping at the keyboard. There isn't a computer built that I can't make sit up and beg!
"Well, lookie here... So that's where they relocated. Now, let's see what else I can find."
By chance, it was Jayne on comms watch. "Hey, big guy. Got some news for you folks!" He sat up abruptly. "The new Academy's on Hera; coordinates are in the data packet. We're detouring to pick up fuel, so you guys should be able to get there ahead of me. Oh, and you might be amused to learn that Early cost them three times what they offered you. Next time, they won't welch on their bounties!"
Jayne laughed. "Serves those hundans right! See you on Hera, moonbrain!"
"Moonbrain yourself, smalldick!" Giggling, she cut the transmission.
"Smalldick?" Jayne fumed.
"You have a massive collection of firearms that you give women's names. You have to be compensating for something," Simon replied, then wisely ran away.
"Serenity Valley? Oh, great. Just gorram shiny." Mal's already grim mood was not at all enhanced by this revelation. "They even used our gorram bunker. Can you believe the sheer..."
Zoe shrugged. "We know the place well enough; gives us an edge. Wash?"
"Already heading there on full burn!"
They went over the map River had provided. "Only one way in or out, and it's near Needle's Eye," Zoe pointed out, tapping an especially narrow section of the valley. "One good rifle and somebody who knows how to use it could hold off an army for as long as their ammo lasted."
"Seem to recall we did," Mal replied. "That's our LZ. Now, all I need to do is make a small purchase when we get there..." He explained.
"Can I-?" Jayne began hopefully.
"Only if you pay for it yourself."
"Rut!"
River was shoved rather firmly into the dormitory by two unfriendly gentlemen in grey uniforms. "Assholes," she muttered. "Well, I can't exactly say it'sgood to be back, but it's nice to see you guys again-"
A small, blonde guided missile collided violently with her in a tangle of limbs, and kissed her full on the lips. River whirled her lover around, and they both landed awkwardly in a handy armchair, giggling madly. "Good to see you too, beautiful," River whispered, hugging the other girl.
Kaylee had been half-right. Mary-Lee Amerham, somewhat ditzy Southern Belle act notwithstanding, was a computer genius equal to River. They had latched on to one another before the programme got unpleasant, and River had known she was on the edge of trying to take it one stage further before entering that dark valley. Evidently this hadn't been lost on Mary-Lee.
"Oh, River, I thought I'd never se you again! But Simon got you out. How did you get caught?"
"On purpose. C'mon, I gotta talk to everybody."
They congregated in the communal area. "Okay everybody, I know you have a thousand questions, but hear me out first. I'm here for one reason and one reason alone; to bust you all outta here. Do we have Cortex access yet?"
"One terminal, but it's restricted." River rolled her eyes, and went over to the terminal in question. Within ten minutes, she was accessing her Cortex account.
It was Simon on comms watch this time. "River! Oh, thank God, I thought something had gone wrong! How are things going?"
"I'm just briefing the escape committee, which appears to have gone to rack and ruin in my absence I might add. What's your position?"
"We should be making landfall in about three hours; Mal, Zoe and Jayne are already on the surface in Shuttle One, making a few advance preparations."
"Alright, meet us at the front gate in four hours. Say hi to the others for me!"
"Um, before you go..." He swallowed. "Kaylee thinks there's a boy involved. Is there?"
"You'll see." She winked, and hung up. "Alright, listen up folks. This is what we're gonna do..."
Mal docked the shuttle and enlisted Jayne's aid to shift a large packing case into the main cargo bay. Kaylee was already waiting with a welding torch. "Get what you needed?"
Mal prised open the lid with the same crowbar that had so inconvenienced Jubal Early, and lifted the huge machine gun with obvious reverence. "One Independence-issue company support weapon, eight hundred rounds of ammunition and a full cleaning kit."
Kaylee snorted. "Boys and their toys. Jayne, can you hold this bracket in place while I weld it down?"
"Okay. We set Jayne, Zoe and Simon down a mile from the facility, then wait for them to call us in. We make our way to Needle's Eye, deal with any pursuit, then pick up our passengers and get off this miserable gorram planet as fast as humanly possible. Any questions?"
"Are we concerning ourselves with running to somewhere at this juncture, or just the from?" Wash asked.
"I might know a place," Jayne put in. "Third moon of Greenstone. There's an unregistered colony there; Alliance probably don't even know it exists. I grew up there, an' it's a shithole, but a quiet outta-the-way kinda shithole."
"Works for me," Mal replied, slightly amazed that Jayne had contributed something useful. "We might finally get to meet the woman who knits you things." Jayne winced.
Simon gathered up several dozen sterile dressings, three bottles of antiseptic and a box of pre-prepared morphine syrettes and put them in an old paramedic's bag left over from Ariel. Jayne had loaned him a sidearm and small pump-action shotgun, neither of which he wanted to use if he could avoid it. God Almighty, it was gorram quieter when she was still crazy! He slung the bag across one shoulder, slid the pistol into a shoulder holster and picked up the shotgun. "If Dad could see me now, he'd have a stroke," he muttered, with a faint smile. The thought of his father suffering an apoplectic brain haemorrhage was disturbingly attractive.
"River, this is Serenity. We are beginning our descent," Wash said in what he hoped was a military-sounding tone.
"Copy that, see you on the surface." She turned to the others. "Okay, last recap. We're here. Armoury's here, main staircase here, exit's here. Okay, here comes the diversion..." She produced a small bottle of something Kaylee used for cleaning packing grease off new engine parts from inside her jacket, and hurled it against the far wall. A lit match followed. There was a satisfying whoomph!
Instantly, the fire alarm kicked in. Every door in the facility automatically unlocked into the bargain. "Let's go!"
Three guards, dispatched to evacuate the dormitory, discovered that the inhabitants had decided to make a break for it on their own. "Alright, kids, you know the fire dr... Holy mother of Christ!" In one fluid movement, River drew Sarah-Louise and fired three times, then slotted the pistol back into the cross-draw holster she'd sewn into her shirt. All three men went down, bleeding explosively from head wounds. "No power in the 'verse can stop me," she said to herself, grinning.
The fire alarm could be heard nearly half a mile away. "Sounds like River's just happened to some poor unsuspecting soul," Simon remarked, in mixed horror and respect. Smoke began to plume from the direction of the Academy. "Oh, Lord..."
Two very irritated men in suits and blue latex gloves were receiving a report from the chief guard. "They've cleaned out the gorram weapon locker! All we have left are our sidearms, and we're outnumbered! If we don't call for backup-!"
"Against children?" the taller one laughed. "Won't that look good on everybody's resumes."
The chief guard's mood, which had been slowly worsening for the past half hour, finally reached critical mass. "No, not children; trained rutting assassins! You wanted super-soldiers, buddy, and you got them. They just decided to fight for the other side!"
The men in suits contemplated this. "He may have a point there," the shorter one replied nervously. Gunfire became audible. "I think we might have been a little tardy in introducing the behaviour modification therapy-"
The door crashed inwards, twin shotgun blasts taking the hinges off. River stepped over the threshold, a small automatic rifle in her hands. She treated the three men to that impish smile, and stood aside to let the others into the conference room. The chief guard removed his sidearm from its holster and tossed it to one side, then raised his hands above his head.
"Leave him, but cuff those two and take them with us. There's no way the Alliance will shoot down our ship with these two onboard. Besides, there's some people I want to introduce them to," River said coldly, wondering if Niska took commissions, and how much he charged.
The younger of the two produced an ultrasonic weapon similar to the one they'd used on Ariel. A snap-kick from River sent it flying across the room, with a swift blow from the butt of her rifle doubling him over. "You try screwing around with me one more time and I might just change my mind," she warned.
Simon watched with no little admiration as Zoe smashed open the panel beneath the keypad controlling the massive steel blast door. She crossed two wires, and it sprang open a few inches. Jayne was standing by with a heavy steel 'hooligan bar' that had at one point belonged to the Persephone City Fire Department. It was intended for opening doors in burning buildings, which was more or less what they were doing now. A cloud of smoke poured out as he wenched the doors apart. "Gorramdoc, your sister knows how to plan a diversion!" Zoe remarked. "Was she ever at a boarding school before this one?"
"Briefly," Simon replied. "She didn't actually incite a mutiny or set the place on fire, but she came close." I wanted my old sister back. Talk about being careful what you wish for.
I heard that, bro! We're coming up on the main doors now! The sixty-odd teenagers approached in surprisingly good order, a variety of weapons in their hands. River was leading the way, prodding two men in grey suits. They were handcuffed behind their backs, but Simon would bet good money that they'd turn out to have blue gloves on.
"You never said anything about hostages," Zoe said dubiously by way of greeting.
"Last minute opportunism. Hi, Simon."
He finally remembered to close his mouth. "Hi. Um... Shall we?"
They ran to the designated pickup point, pursued by the remaining guards. "How are you doing for ammo?" Zoe asked them.
"Averages about five clips each," River replied, after apparently taking status reports from the others. Now that's what I call Command, Control, Communications and Intelligence, Zoe mused.
They hastily took up defensive positions around the narrow section of valley. Only eight men or one tank could cross this section at any one time (the Alliance did actually attempt to use armour in the initial assault, but after the lead vehicle had been knocked out the advance was held up for half a day whilst they brought up a recovery vehicle; Mal had actually run across the driver of the self-same tank after the war, and bought him a beer), and the natural contours of the valley made for good cover. The Independents had created what tacticians call a 'meeting engagement', funnelling virtually the entire enemy offensive into one point along the line of advance, and were able to savage most of a division before the Alliance were able to call up troop transports and get in behind the defensive positions. Air power always did screw things up, Zoe mused. But this time around, they had some of their own. "Serenity, we're in position. No casualties, minimal pursuit. Ready whenever you are, over."
"Copy that, we're on our way." Wash reached up and flipped three switches. One engaged the emergency acceleration compensator, the second set the control response to fine pitch and the third silenced the various collision, altitude and other alarms that went off when the ship was asked to do things it didn't want to do. (So now you know.) He engaged the atmospheric thrusters, pushed Serenity off the ground and switched over to horizontal flight. "Hold tight, everybody, we're about to do our first bit of combat flying!"
Mal fastened himself into his safety harness, and lowered his goggles. He quickly hooked up an ammunition cannister, and chambered a round in the machine gun on the improvised pintle mount on the forward loading ramp, and grinned. "Once you learn, you never forget how. I'm all set down here, Wash!"
Serenity accelerated, diving for the deck. "Zoe, we'll be there in ten minutes, max."
"We can hold out that long, no trouble." She grinned. "Drive safe, husband."
Simon fired a snapshot in the general direction of the Alliance position, the buckshot spreading out to hit two or three men. He took comfort in the certain knowledge that he hadn't caused any serious harm yet; a shotgun blast from a hundred yards, especially with the fine pellets he had requested, will cause relatively little damage. The guards wore body armour and face masks, so at this range he could inflict no more than flesh wounds. Three years in the ER had taught Simon that if the patient was capable of swearing, he had time to finish his coffee, and he could hear the cursing from here.
"So far so good, huh, bro?" River remarked, squeezing off a single round.
"Yeah, I guess... Oh, go se." That meant trouble.
An Alliance Police hovercruiser was looming menacingly in the sky behind them, spotlight shining directly on Jayne, who took exception and shot it out with Vera. Somebody read out the standard surrender demand, and police officers in full tactical gear began roping out of the craft.
"Here we go again," Zoe muttered. "They're shooting us in the back and the front. Wash, get your ass in gear!"
With an earsplitting roar, Serenity came tearing down her namesake valley. "Ramp's coming down!" Mal yelled, releasing the safety catch. Here we go...
Serenity slowed, and the stabbing tongue of flame was seen by all. The hovercruiser seemed to stagger in the air; it was armoured against small-arms fire, but crew-served heavy support machine guns were not something frequently encountered in law-enforcement situations hereabouts. The crippled police vehicle smashed into the side of the valley, the fireball dramatically illuminating the battlefield and convincing the surviving guards and police officers that his wasn't a fight they could win. They broke and ran.
Serenity made a perfect landing. "All aboard!" Mal yelled heartily. They scrambled aboard. "Next stop, the Greenstone system. Wash, go go go!"
"Copy that. All hands, this the pilot. Find something to hold onto, we're about to go for main engine burn!"
"Is he really supposed to do that in atmosphere?" somebody asked plaintively.
"No, but we'll enjoy it more than the four Alliance pursuit ships on our tail will. Hold tight!" Mal said with a grin.
They rocketed skywards, sending three of the four pursuit ships into screaming death dives. The fourth merely tore off one wingtip against a power line and made an ungraceful forced landing in a field above the valley. By the time additional ships could be deployed, the transport was long gone. They tentatively identified it as an early-model Firefly medium cargo hauler, but putting out an APB on one of those was like putting out one on a yellow cab in New York City.
"We've lost them!" the surviving pursuit craft's pilot yelled, kicking the hulk of his ship with unnecessary force and cursing long and hard in Chinese and English and whatever else came to mind.
Once they were a safe distance from Hera, Simon enlisted Wash's assistance in carrying the supplies that he had requested for the mission. They set the dozen crates of beer down in the cargo hold and began passing them out. Simon had always enjoyed playing the indulgent big brother, particularly when it involved helping River indulge her wild streak and/or piss off their parents.
Two bottles leapt from the topmost crate into the waiting hands of River and another girl. "Simon, you are a godsend!" She opened her bottle with the trigger-guard of her pistol, causing everybody to duck. Perfectly feasible and moderately stylish a method of opening a bottle as this may be, more than one person has discovered to their misfortune -and that of innocent bystanders- that it should always be attempted with the safety catch on!
Simon forced a smile. "My sister the gunslinger; you guys have been a really bad influence on her, you know that?"
Meanwhile, Jayne was carefully looping each prisoner's handcuffs over a length of exposed water pipe. Their feet were already bound with duct tape, and they'd been gagged in similar fashion.
"All comfy, gentlemen?"
"Mmmmph!"
"Gnnnh!"
"Good. I'll come check up on you in a day or two, okay?" He sauntered off, adding over his shoulder, "You brought this on yourselves; the only one supposed to be doublecrossin' anyone was me!"
It was a two-day journey to Greenstone, which pretty much exhausted their rations. The guest quarters and shuttles were packed. Simon surrendered his quarters without complaint; the sign above Kaylee's bunk had already been altered to read 'Simon and Kaylee's Room.'
"But if you're mean to River's boyfriend you're sleeping in the cargo bay for a week!" she warned him playfully as he went to have a quiet word with River. Simon had readily agreed, but lingering doubts remained. Come on, what's the worst case? Well, Jayne, obviously. But these kids are all meant to be geniuses; surely they'll be harmless? Simon knocked on River's bedroom door. "River? Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Tell him to go away," an unfamiliar voice suggested. An unfamiliar female voice.
"He'll get suspicious. I'll try and get rid of him quickly. Can you hold on for just a little while longer, sweetie?"
"Just barely," the other girl continued in a husky voice. "But you got five minutes before I start without you!"
"Shh!" River urged. "These walls are like toilet paper!"
Simon's jaw dropped. "Does all that mean what I think it means?"
You didn't need any of River or Mary-Lee's talents to guess what he was thinking. "Yeah."
"Oh. I see. Um..." Simon counted slowly to a very high number in his head. "If I come in, will I see something I don't want to?"
"That depends on what gives your eyes a good time, sugar," Mary-Lee said in what she thought was a seductive tone.
"The mere thought of my kid sister having intimate relations with anybody gives me no pleasure at all, lady, regardless of gender!" Simon replied, managing to laugh. Nevertheless, anybody using three sets of italics in one sentence was probably feeling overwrought, River decided. Best to proceed with caution. She opened the door. "Come on, I guess I'd better introduce you to my, ahem... special friend."
Simon entered with trepidation. Mary-Lee was curled up comfortably against River, and offered him a winning smile before kissing River gently between her mouth and cheek. It was the sort of kiss that you can tell a lot from, he decided. As they chatted about friends and past exploits, he marvelled at how well they seemed to fit together. Yin and Yang. Two pieces of a puzzle. All that jazz, he reflected. River had muttered about something similar every time she was around Zoe and Wash. When she was at her least coherent, Simon reflected, she could be at her most poetic. And he really couldn't fault her taste; this Mary-Lee girl was equally genius-like, as well as being witty and charming and an absolute knockout! 'Genius-like?' Good Lord, I'm starting to talk like Mal.
"So what was he like?" Kaylee asked, burningly curious, when he finally returned to their room.
Simon smiled. "She was a very pleasant young lady by the name of Mary-Lee."
"No way!"
They convened in the dining room the next morning for a full-crew conference. "Once we reach Greenstone, we need to reach the other children's parents as soon as possible," Book pointed out. "And find some way of disposing of our prisoners."
"How about mailing them first-class to Niska with our compliments?" River suggested.
"Public crucifixion gets my vote," Simon added. "Actually, you know what I wish we'd had the time to do? We should have stuck a few needles in their heads and scrambled their brains for them."
"You want my advice?" Jayne said helpfully. "Just set 'em down on the moon, minus all their valuables, and leave 'em there. Ain't no torture in the world more savage than a lifetime stay on that rut-hole."
"Motion seconded," Wash added. "I've been there once, before I worked here, and it was depressing!"
"Anything that can make Wash depressed has to be bad. Motion carried. Now, what are we going to do about our passengers?"
"That's going to be tricky," Zoe remarked. "They're all technically wanted fugitives."
"I suggest we let them make their own minds up about calling their folks," River put in. "If they react the way ours did to Simon it might get messy."
"By the way, do you folks think you can find a use for two psychically gifted computer experts?" Simon added, gesturing to River.
"Yeah. I've got, um, kind of an understanding with one of the others..."
Mal sighed. "Sweet Jesus, how many more gorram couplings are gonna spring up? Is there something in the water on this ship? Just don't get knocked up, for chrissakes!"
"In this case, that would need the kind of medical intervention that Simon definitely doesn't have the equipment for in the infirmary!" Kaylee quipped, then regretted it. "Oops."
Everybody was too stunned to say anything, except for Simon and River who both fell about laughing and Kaylee who gently banged her head against the tabletop. "Well, I'll be in my-" Jayne's voice choked off, invisible hands locked around his throat. Simon gave River a good-natured but fairly firm whack across the back of her head, and she desisted. Everybody -Jayne included- gave in to paroxysms of mirth.
Like a family ought to be, Simon thought to himself. So help me God, that's what we are. A family.
Serenity set down heavily outside the largest settlement, a rather ramshackle place of about ten thousand people. Jayne borrowed the ATV to dispose of the prisoners and visit his family's ranch. The newly liberated teenagers headed into town in search of a drink, whilst Zoe and Wash busied themselves with whatever it is married couples do in town. Mal busied himself with the accounts, whilst Simon was recruited by Kaylee to make a start on repainting the outer hull. Whatever Book did in his free time, he was doing.
As they hosed down the dorsal area in preparation for applying a new coat, colour as yet undecided (Kaylee wanted British Racing Green, whilst River thought matte black would look better), a lightning-fast streak of gleaming metal came to a halt beside them. "That's not a ship, that's a mid-life crisis with wings," Kaylee giggled.
"That's what Mom said when Dad bought one. She figured it beat screwing his secretary, though... Oh, you gotta be kidding me!" Simon stared in fascinated horror at the tail pennant. "What are the rutting odds?"
"Cap'n, we got trouble," Kaylee called through the roof hatch.
"What kind and how bad?"
"The incriminating witness kind, and bad enough that Simon's cussing."
Simon jumped through the hatch and landed awkwardly. "Captain, we need to round up the others and get of this rock like now. That ship belongs to my father!"
"Okay, let's not panic here. Did he see you?"
"I don't think so."
"Okay then. I'll warn the others. Find someplace safe to hide; it's not like he's gonna be here on vacation."
Somebody banged on the edge of the main loading door. "Anybody home? I've got some engine trouble."
"See?" Mal said quietly. He went to greet the man.
"Morning. I'm Malcolm Reynolds, master of Serenity. Engine trouble, you say?"
"Yeah, cooling system I think. Do you have an engineer aboard?"
"That we do, and a damn good one. Kaylee, can you come take a look at this gentleman's engines?"
Kaylee busied herself in the Morelli Starstream space yacht's engine compartment for an hour or so. "I haven't got the spares to fix it perfect, but I can patch it up so as you can get to a dealership with a full repair team. Shouldn't take me more than a couple hours," she reported.
"That'll be fine. So how much do I owe you?"
"Ah, just be real helpful the next time you come across another guy with a broken-down ship and think of us," she replied.
He looked to the captain, who nodded agreement. "Call it professional courtesy," he replied.
"How'd you know I was in shipping?" he said thoughtfully.
"Recognised the initials. Gerald Tam, isn't it? One of your father's ships took me home from Serenity Valley."
He was silent for a long time. "But once you've been there, you never really leave. I knew the name meant something. I was there as well, but on the winning side. Not so sure now that it was the right one." He appeared to reach some kind of decision. "Captain, I know this is a long-shot, but I'm looking for two people who were last reported on a Firefly-class transport. I've got a couple of pictures." He held up photographs of Simon, then River. Mal kept his face straight, barely, but Kaylee's sharp intake of breath was all it took. "So I take it they aren't going to be too pleased to see their old man, then?"
"From what I understand you didn't part on the very best of terms," Mal replied, giving up on the pretence.
"That's an understatement. I had a PI monitor their Cortex accounts -they're registered to my address so it was easy enough- and I saw that data-packet River sent you." He looked down for a long moment. Mal understood why; the processes involved were described in clinically precise but nonetheless graphic detail. Even Jayne hadn't been able to sit through the video footage. "Even if they don't want to speak to me, just tell them both that I'm sorry."
"Why not tell him in person?" River suggested, stepping into the compartment. "Simon's the only one really mad with you." To prove her point, she holstered Sarah-Louise. Mal and Kaylee started breathing again.
Gerry pushed past the both of them and threw his arms around the daughter he'd thought lost. They both started to cry. "I'm so, so sorry," he gulped through his tears. "I just couldn't believe..."
"Neither could I," River replied drily, despite her tears. "Right up until they started sticking needles in my brain! C'mon, I'd better go convince Simon not to shoot you on sight..."
Jayne parked the ATV, and encouraged the two naked men out of the trailer with the assistance of a very large handgun, the one he'd traded for Sarah-Louise; though he couldn't have easily articulated it, he appreciated the symbolism there. "Now just you two gentlemen remember somethin'. There are a lot of worse things we could have done, an' killing you weren't no higher than half-way up the scale. Now don't you go forgettin' that, 'kay?" He swung a leg over the ATV and gunned the engine. "Hope you get a nice tan!" And with that he was off in a cloud of desert dust.
They looked at one another. "So what do we do now?" enquired the junior man, glaring at his superior.
"How the rut should I know?"
"Simon? I know you're in here somewhere. Dad's with me. It's alright, really; he saw the data packet." The words 'How?' and 'Good!' flashed through Simon's mind more or less simultaneously, and he let himself out of the smuggling compartment.
He's still holding a gun, but it's a start, River mused. "Come on, big bro, put the gun away. If Dad was going to call the Feds, I'd have shot him by now."
"True, but that doesn't mean I have to be glad to see him." He lowered the gun, but didn't holster it. "So what brings you here?"
"I was searching for the both of you," he replied. "I recognised the coordinates, but if I went straight there I'd have aroused too much suspicion; Security are still watching the house. By the time I got there the Academy was a wreck, so I started picking Rim worlds at random. I didn't even know this place had people on it until I picked up comm signals from the surface. Just as well I did; I fried my cooling system getting here. Last I heard, that charming young mechanic was up to her elbows in it."
"Well, at least he gets on with your girlfriend," River added helpfully. Simon winced.
"Thanks, sis. So, Dad, I guess we've got a certain amount of catching up to do. And you'd just better hope he gets on with yours, River!"
"Oh, Lord, don't tell me you've fallen for that professional hard bastard with the girl's name!"
Simon grinned. "That was what had me waking up in a cold sweat for a while, too." Father and son shared a laugh for the first time in quite a while. "I think I'd better let River do the introducing."
The crew had gathered to find out how this panned out and render assistance in the event of gunfire. "Okay, you've already met Captain Reynolds and Miss Kaywinnet-Lee Frye, our chief engineer. This is Zoe Warren, first officer." The exchanged hellos. "This is Hoban Washburn, chief pilot and comic relief."
"Hi. Everybody calls me Wash, by the way."
"The man you described as a professional hard bastard," River explained, tactfully omitting the girl's name part, "is Jayne Cobb, head of security and public relations. The exceptionally large weapon he's cleaning goes by the name of Vera, don't ask me why. This is the Reverend Book, who has taken it upon himself to look after our spiritual welfare." He inclined his head. "Finally, this is Mary-Lee Amerham, a... very close friend of mine from the Academy."
Gerry's jaw dropped. He stood rooted to the deck, trying to think of something sensible to say. "Hey, it could've been worse," Simon pointed out. "For a long while, I was convinced she had a crush on Captain Reynolds." (See the deleted scene from 'Our Mrs Reynolds' for what might have made Simon suspicious!)
"And that's worse?" Mal said rather huffily.
"You're at least my age and in an exceptionally disreputable line of work, so as a matter of fact yes, I do find the idea of my daughter being sly much easier to deal with," Gerry replied, then laughed. "Besides, for a few horrible minutes I thought it would turn out to be him." He pointed to Jayne.
"Now that is worse!" Mal agreed.
That evening, Simon lay on his back on Serenity's dorsal hull, admiring the vivid green-blue ringed gas giant that dominated the sky.
"So," Mal enquired, sticking his head and shoulders through the roof hatch, "am I gonna need to find a new doctor and a new mechanic, or are you gonna put off going home for a while?"
Simon laughed. "It'll be a very long time before River and I can show our faces on any Core world again. And just where am I going to go? My parents live on opposite sides of Persephone, so our old rooms are long gone, and I don't even have an apartment any more. Besides, just about everything that's important to me is on Serenity. I started thinking of this place as home a long time ago, Captain."
Mal was genuinely taken aback, but slightly relieved. "Phew; thought I'd have to replace you and Kaylee. Seen River?"
"She's in her quarters with her friend. I wouldn't go in there for a while if I were you!" They laughed. "That's going to be a package deal, I think."
"That it is. Still, if I can find a use for one computer genius with psychic powers, think what I can do with a matching set!"
If Mrs Marella Cobb was surprised by two naked men staggering out of the desert and collapsing on her verandah, she didn't show it. "Well, well, look what we have here. You must be those two gentlemen my son was talkin' about. Now, I ain't heard nothin' good about you boys, so if you wanna get off this world alive then you're gonna have to work pretty damned hard on this here ranch, y'hear?"
They looked at each other, and the leathery old woman standing before them. "We're screwed," the younger one concluded.
Mal's voice, over whatever montage of images the reader's imagination prefers:
"I'm Malcolm Reynolds, master of the Firefly-class transport Serenity. Got a good crew: Pilot, genius mechanic, even our own Shepherd. Got a good doctor too; we bust his genius sister and some of her friends out of some Alliance camp, and one of them stuck around. Made themselves mighty useful, but they're keeping a low profile for now.
"If you've got a job needs doing, give us a call and we'll see what we can do. Don't much care what it is."
And roll credits!