Denial

Denial

Denial - An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings

Get a job.

Drive a car.

Find a girlfriend.

Be normal.

Kevin pushed down on the bed and rolled himself onto his left side, his back to the bedroom door. The move was about as effective as an ostrich putting his head in the sand, but psychologically it made him feel like he could hold off the rest of the house for a little bit longer.

He wasn't ready to face the day and he sure wasn't ready to face all of the faces at the table that morning.

What was normal anymore, anyway? Two years ago the scouts had been after him, the Dodgers' AAA guy kept telling him that he had just the kind of arm they were looking for, Arizona State kept upping the scholarship ante with promises of a great spot in the pitching rotation, their participation in the college World Series, his mom and dad had been so proud.

And so had Beth.

She had e-mailed him again the day before. Rebecca had just dropped off a pile of things that had to be done before the end of the day, but he had taken a moment to check his e-mail and there it was.

Seemed pretty weird after more than a year.

She'd been great at first. But he had to be honest, she was a girlfriend from high school. It wasn't like they were getting married and she sure hadn't bargained on being saddled with a cripple.

They had made love for the first time the week before the accident. And in some ways that made it even worse. She would know what she was missing, what he was missing, but it also made the whole situation between them more serious than it really needed to be.

She'd been great through the summer, through the stint in rehab and when he'd come home. But when she left for college he told her to find another boyfriend, someone who was normal, someone who could walk-someone who could make love to her.

And it was fine. He was fine. Everything was different, but it was better without her sad face coming over every afternoon to sit in the yard with him. It was better to not see that pinched look on his mom's face every time Beth left.

His life was totally different now and there was no going back.

Kevin rolled back over and pushed himself into a seated position. Reaching behind him, he shook out his morning medication and slid the pills down his throat with a quick drink of water. If nothing else told him he was always going to be different, the morning did.

He reached for his chair and slid into the seat, pulled his legs off the bed and carefully set his feet on the footrests. He pulled the bedroom door open and headed for the bathroom.

The door was closed. He stopped just shy of the door and waited. After a moment, the door opened and Joan walked out, her face a little red.

"Sorry, Luke was taking forever this morning, so I..."

"It's just a bathroom, Joan," Kevin said as he rolled past her into the room that might as well have his name carved into the door.

The situation was crazy. His dad liked to pretend that moving to Arcadia was a big career plan, but the he knew that his parents wanted to get away from the place that reminded them of his life before. They had stayed there for six months after he got back from rehab and in many ways that house had been a better set-up than this one. But his mom loved this house and she had said they would do whatever was necessary to make it accessible for their son.

So, he had his own room with a trapeze over the bed, a lift to move him from the first floor to the second, a ramp in the living room, a ramp at the back door, a lift at the front.

And this bathroom with the special toilet, the special sink and the special shower. And a cupboard to hold all of his stuffwhich was probably why Joan's face had been so red. No one else ever came in here, so he'd gotten sloppy, left the stash of catheters out because it was easier than digging for a new one each time.

They never asked, no one, except his mom who had to learn all about his body when he was at the rehab center. But Joan, Lukeeven his dadnone of them really wanted to know what worked and what didn't.

He reached into the shower for the grab bar and slid over to the bench along the wall. He turned the water on and waited until it warmed up before he picked up the shower head and began to wash his body.

Kevin chuckled, thinking back to his conversation with Luke the week before about moose and elk. It was the one thing that still felt okaybeing the older brother. Despite everything else that had changed, he was still the guy that Luke went to talk to when he was afraid he was gay. His mom made him talk to Joan to see what was going on with her.

He felt okay with Rebecca too. His hand slid the washcloth down along his chest. He felt really okay around Rebecca.

"So, you disappeared suddenly yesterday."

Kevin looked up as Rebecca dropped down on the corner of his desk. He looked over with a half smile on his face.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I" What would he say to her? He wasn't about to explain about a body that didn't behave any longer and about the unpredictability sometimes led to needing to leave suddenly.

"No big deal, I just wanted to make sure someone hadn't run you off."

Kevin's mouth tightened. "You don't have to keep watching out for me."

Rebecca stood back up. "Sorry, I didn't mean to." She turned and headed back toward her desk.

Damn. Why did he always get so defensive with her. He didn't have to tell her the truth, but he didn't have to piss her off, either.

You still identify with who you used to be: able-bodied, handsome, white man in America - everything was coming your way. Well, now it's gonna be a little bit of a struggle. You're going to have to pick your battles.

Kevin looked down the room where he could see Rebecca standing. He had been avoiding her all morning.

Maybe you're just hot for his son...

Kevin turned his focus back to the computer screen where all the figures seemed to dance together. He shook his head. After leaving early the day before, he had to focus.

Did she like him? Could she?

Focus. Facts. City council meeting. Flood zone ordinance. He had to stop thinking about Rebecca.

It was dark when Kevin left the building. He headed for the parking lot, the station wagon sitting in his usual spot near the door. He could hear the sound of a car motor almost turning over and then dying. He wheeled past the wagon, toward the car. As he got closer, someone got out of the car and slammed the door shut.

"Crap!"

"Ah, my favorite past time."

Rebecca looked up as Kevin approached her. She smiled weakly. "I think I left my dome light on this morning."

"You need a lift?" Kevin asked. "She's not pretty, but now that I got my new transmission, she's very reliable."

Rebecca laughed. "Yeah, that would be great. I'd wait for the tow truck, but I have a phone interview in an hour and my notes are at home."

Kevin turned and headed toward the car. "I should warn you though, I have had a car accident."

Rebecca laughed again. "I can call a cab."

"Get in," Kevin responded.

Helen looked up as Kevin came in the back door.

"You're home late," she said as she got up and walked to the counter. "I saved you some dinner."

Kevin shrugged off his coat and put it on the hook near the back door. "Sorry, I should have called. Rebecca's car died, so I took her home. We stopped to grab some dinner on the way."

Helen smiled. "That sounds fun. So, did you have a nice dinner?"

Kevin shook his head. "I know what you're thinking and don't. I work with her."

"But she's nice, Kevin. Your dad thought her article about him was very fair. It wouldn't hurt you to make some friends here."

"Going to bed," Kevin called as he wheeled past her and headed for the lift on the steps.

As Kevin pulled into his parking place he noticed that Rebecca's car was gone from her spot the night before. Pulling his chair from the passenger seat, he quickly snapped the wheels back on and slid from the car into his wheelchair. He had just closed the car door when he heard her greeting. He pivoted so that he was facing her.

"Looks like you got it started," Kevin said, smiling at Rebecca.

"Yeah, I called AAA last night after I got home and got it going again about ten last night. But thanks for the ride. It saved me big time."

"And thanks for dinner," Kevin replied, as he began to head for the building.

Rebecca smiled back at him. "So, any plans for tomorrow night?"

Kevin stopped mid-roll. "Uh, it's usually family movie night, but, no, I don't."

"Cause I was going to see this band down at Club 21. The paper wants me to do a short write-up and you wouldn't have to fact check, if you were there," Rebecca said, her voice casual.

"I...let me think about it?" Kevin asked.

"Sure," Rebecca answered.

"So, who's turn is it to decide on the movie tonight?" Will asked as the family gathered around the table.

"Kevin's," Luke responded, not looking up from the book he had balanced on the edge of the table.

Helen pulled the book away from him, marking his page before she closed it and set it on the table. "We have rules about table manners."

"Joan can have my pick," Kevin replied. "I picked for her last time andI'm not going to be around tonight."

The entire family stopped eating and turned to stare at him.

"Hot date?" Joan asked after a moment of silence.

Kevin shook his head. "No, just going to a club with Rebecca. For work."

"A club, a good looking species of the opposite sex...yeah, I'd say it's a date," Luke interjected.

"It's not a date," Kevin replied.

Helen smiled at her oldest son. "Will you be out late?"

"Can you get in there?" his dad asked.

"This is not worthy of a ten point operational plan," Kevin said. "I'm going out to listen to music with a friend. At an accessible building. I'm a fact checker. Did you think I'd not check that out?"

"Have fun," Joan replied as Kevin unlocked the wheels of his chair, backed up and headed for his room to get ready for the evening.

"Can you get in there?"

Kevin looked over at Rebecca as they stood in front of Club 21. There were five steps up to the door. No ramp in sight.

"I called this afternoon. They said it was accessible," Kevin replied.

"Well, let me go see what the deal is. They must have a different entrance," Rebecca said.

Kevin rolled back, away from the doorway as Rebecca entered the building. The music was pulsing out the door, and it was clear that a pretty large crowd had gathered.

He had called. The guy said it was no problem. But no one had mentioned a ramp. That should have set off a warning signal in his head. He should have cancelled.

"The bouncer will be here in a minute," Rebecca said, interrupting Kevin's self-flagellation.

Kevin looked at her. "To show us to the other door?"

"Uh...no...he's going to...he'll help you in," Rebecca stammered.

Kevin swiveled his chair to head back toward the car. Rebecca moved toward him, grabbing the handle on the back of his chair.

"Don't do that," Kevin said.

Rebecca dropped her hand and Kevin turned to face her again.

"I'm sorry," Rebecca said.

"No...I'm...I'm just going to go," Kevin said, then turned to leave again. Rebecca stepped around so that she was facing him again.

"Please don't go," she said. "I'm sorry this didn't work out, but we can go somewhere else."

"And who's going to cover the story for the paper?" Kevin asked. "Go back, write your article. I'll see you tomorrow."

Kevin wheeled past her and headed to his car as Rebecca stood watching him go.

"You're home early," Helen said as Kevin came in the back door.

Kevin hung his coat up without saying a word, then wheeled past his mom.

"You want to talk about it?"

Kevin stopped, but didn't turn to face her. "Not really."

"Sometimes it's..." she started.

"Sometimes, it isn't, Mom," Kevin interrupted.

"Okay, but if you need a sounding board, you know I'm here for you," Helen replied.

Kevin didn't move. His head dropped and his shoulders began to shake slightly. Helen stepped closer and put her hand on his right shoulder and rubbed it very slowly.

"It's just so damned hard," Kevin said, his voice cracking as his tears began to betray him.

"I know. I know," Helen soothed. She pulled a chair from the table and slid it around so she could sit facing him. She took his hands in hers. "What happened?"

Kevin explained about the club not being accessible. "And that's frustrating, but it's just that..."

"That you think you're never going to meet someone and just go on a date with them again?"

He nodded. "It's just that it immediately becomes so much more serious. There's nothing casual about going somewhere with me. We have to worry about parking, about getting in the building, where the bathroom is. There's no such thing as just being casual anymore."

Helen reached up and touched Kevin's cheek, wiping away the tears that had fallen there. "That's true, there will always be some element of planning, but it's not always going to feel like this. So much of this is new. So much has changed for you. You went from being an independent person, ready to move away from home to being very dependent on us again and I know that's hard for you. I wish I could take all of that pain and struggle away from you, but I can't. You have to begin to learn again for yourself."

"I'm just," Kevin stopped.

"Just what?" Helen asked.

Kevin looked down, then ran his hands along the arms of his wheelchair. "I guess I'm scared...scared that I'm going to finish this phase of adjustment and find out that nothing really has gotten better."

"Is that what's holding you back?" Helen asked.

Kevin looked up at her. "What do you mean?"

She took his hand. "You've had your new wheelchair for almost six months. Why haven't you brought it downstairs, used it to go to work."

Kevin shot her a look.

"When you left therapy they told you that you could adjust to a less restrictive chair, something that would be lighter and easier to use, but you're still using the one that they first gave you."

"It's..."

"It's safer. And it keeps you in that time of adjustment and you don't have to worry about tipping, but you also can't try taking a curb or going up a couple steps to get in somewhere. You have to learn to take risks again, Kevin."

"I got my license. I got a job."

"It's a start. You need to learn to trust yourself. And when you do, you're going to trust the people around you again."

Helen leaned in and hugged Kevin. "I love you and I want the best for you. Please, don't ever forget that."

She leaned back and ran her hand along the right side of his face. "You know that, don't you?"

Kevin nodded. "Thanks."

To Be Continued