Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
A/N: The first part of this chapter is really an introduction to the narrator of this story (in other words, the OC). I think it's important to establish early on "the lens" in which the reader will be reading the story from. So, please, bare with me. =) Also, I will be following the anime timeline, instead of the manga, in case you're wondering about the dates. I hope you enjoy!
Beyond These Walls
Chapter 1
"Patterning your life around other's opinions is nothing more than slavery." – Lawana Blackwell
"Lying is done with words, and also with silence." – Adrienne Rich
...
The corners of my smile twitched slightly, as my clenched fists trembled against my knees. Every once and awhile, my quivering knuckles would grace a stale piece of gum that was plastered on the belly side of the study hall table. A small shiver of disgust would run up my spine, but my hands would remain where they were. My friends, who were seated directly across from me, were unable to see my shaking hands, the evidence of my annoyance. To them, I was calm and content, with perhaps just the tiniest twinge of after-class tiredness. Just as I had planned from the second we had sat down at the table.
"Etsuko, do you want to write the introductory paragraph? I could do it, too, if you want. Doesn't matter to me!" Fumiko giggled, as she continued to scribble away at her notes.
"Whatever works best for you, Fumiko," I good naturedly replied, my smile not budging.
To be honest, out of the three people sitting with me, only one of them, Fumiko, would I classify as a friend. We both had attended the same high school back home in Tottori City, and when she found out that we had both been accepted to To-Oh University, she was ecstatic that she wouldn't be the only one leaving home for the big city. I barely knew her, but she was determined that we would become great friends. Within the first week of university, she had enthusiastically introduced me to her newly acquired pack of university friends. Her sincerity had swayed me to cautiously accept her advances to be my friend.
Her intense devotion to school work was an added benefit. Although I couldn't brag that I was as smart as her, we both valued the importance of working hard. Together, we ravaged our schoolwork with a fierce devotion, while other students spent their time partying and then panicking last minute at getting their work done. Or worse, they relied solely on others to get the work done.
Which was why I was annoyed at the present moment. While Fumiko and I were busy scribbling down notes or paging through textbooks for our Child Psychology project, the other two students at our table were wasting our time texting or practicing their non-existent storytelling skills.
"What about Genki? He's pretty cute, right, Fumiko? Should I ask him?"
I lifted my eyes briefly from the textbook in front of me to sneak a quick glance at Juri, who was sitting directly across from me. She in return looked up lazily from her hot pink cell phone to grace me with a quick, but fierce glare. She hated me and I returned the sentiment. Well, I didn't hate her. I strongly disliked her. Hate is such a strong word.
Juri was Fumiko's best friend and was a top-notch clinger. Wherever Fumiko went, Juri trailed after her, like some obedient pet dog. Juri was lazy in most regards, but when it came to school work, she strived to become even lazier. Which explains why she had spent the last half hour languidly slumped against the table, texting every cute boy she could think of in order to get a date for one of the university socials next week. Leaving Fumiko and I to work on the project that was supposed to include her as well.
"Mmm, I don't know, Juri. Why don't you ask Etsuko who you should choose?" Fumiko's brow was slightly creased; maybe Juri could get on her nerves.
Juri's eyes were still plastered to her phone. "Etsuko doesn't know any cute boys," was the instant reply, but it wasn't hard to detect the hostility she coated her words with.
At least I know what it means to be a good team member. You haven't done any work on this project so far, Juri.
"I'm sure you'll find someone, Juri," I smiled encouragingly at Fumiko's best friend, as she stared at me. She looked satisfied with my answer though; we both knew that she was right. Apart from Fumiko and her other two friends at the table, I didn't know anyone else on campus. And even then, I didn't like Fumiko's other friends. Of course, I had to pretend to like them. What would Fumiko think if she knew how much I disliked them?
Juri softly snorted in my direction, "Whatever."
I didn't know how to politely respond to her abrupt statement, so I timidly smiled instead. She frowned and her perfectly manicured eyebrows slightly touched. Apparently, she was confused by my lack of retaliation. She huffed loudly and brought her cell phone close to her face, blocking me from her vision. I internally scoffed. I wasn't near as transparent with my dislike towards her, as she was with her hatred for me.
I never got a clear answer as to why she hated me, but I assumed it was because I knew Fumiko before she did. And to Juri, that meant competition for Fumiko's attention. I tried explaining to Juri that I had barely known Fumiko in high school, but she had snobbishly ignored my explanation, which solidified my decision to cease any attempt to befriend her. Lazy and impolite. Strike two for Juri.
"...And then, he vomited all over the kitchen table! Shit, you should have seen their faces!"
Sato Tadami's thunderous guffaws startled a few students who were quietly studying at the adjacent tables. I avoided eye contact and hunched a bit closer to my textbook in embarrassment. Why did Fumiko insist on bringing him with her? With her looks, she could have had any boy on campus, and yet she chose Tadami. I couldn't imagine why, since he was obnoxious with his crude jokes and distasteful stories. Plus, he always tried to pressure Fumiko into doing things she didn't want to do. Such as pressuring her to desert our project and go see a movie with him instead. Why didn't he take Juri to the movies...I'm sure she would have loved to ditch our little study table and grab "a piece" of Fumiko's life for the evening. That way, Fumiko and I could have a little peace and quiet before we had to gather our things up and go home.
Of course, I would never say any of those things out loud.
"Pretty...f-funny story, huh, Etsuko?"
I glanced up at Tadami, who was slightly panting after his fit of laughter. His eyes begged for attention, but unlike Juri, he didn't care if it was Fumiko who was interested or a complete stranger. He just wanted someone to notice and laugh at his antics.
I adorned an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Tadami, I didn't catch the whole thing. I'm sure it was funny."
It was stupid and disgusting. How old are you? Five?
"Pftt! That's because you're too busy having your nose stuck in that book! Why don't you two give it a rest?" Tadami leaned back in his chair and slumped his arm across Fumiko's shoulders. He nudged Fumiko with his bony elbow until she looked up at him and sweetly pouted. She wasn't upset with him though. She thought he was a cute, cuddly goof who simply had a low attention span. I would have been much harsher with my description.
"We've only been sitting here for 30 minutes, Tadi. If you want me to accompany you to the social next week, I have to get at least the introduction finished." Fumiko tossed her long ponytail behind her back and giggled as Tadami played with some hairs that had escaped her hair elastic. She was briefly distracted from her notes and leaned back into Tadami's embrace. Tadami wasn't very good at covering up his tactics at getting Fumiko away from schoolwork. A whispered endearment here, affectionate handholding there, and textbooks and notes were the farthest thing from her mind. If Fumiko had one weakness, it was her acceptance (or ignorance) of being played by her boyfriend. Tadami's manipulative methods were yet another reason why I was not a fan of his company.
Fumiko, how can you be so blind, so stupid to not see how he manipulates you...?
"Ah, just let Etsuko finish the introduction. It's not like she's going to the social anyways-"
"You're not going to the social, Etsuko? Why not?" Fumiko bolted upright in her chair, away from Tadami's fingers. I was wrong. Apparently, my lack of a social life could release Fumiko from her boyfriend's attention-seeking grip.
I fiddled with my pen and, this time, I plastered on a genuine, apologetic smile. I was sorry that I was disappointing Fumiko. I hated disappointing people.
"Well, you see, I actually can't-" Fumiko opened her mouth to say something, so I hurriedly added, "I'm sure they're a lot of fun, Fumi-"
"If she doesn't want to go, then she doesn't want to go," Juri murmured, her eyes taking a break from her phone to clearly, and fiercely, warn me that I had better not change my mind, or else. But Fumiko didn't notice Juri's silent warning and continued talking.
"Are you sure, Etsuko? I don't want to force you, if you don't want to, like Juri said, but are you sure you don't want to give it a try?"
"'Miko, give it up. She doesn't want to go." Tadami's fidgeting signalled his boredom with the conversation, and his lowered tone of voice demonstrated his frustration that Fumiko was ignoring him. He had given up on me, just like Juri had also given up on me. Fumiko was the only one left who continuously tried to get me to open up to her and to the others.
What Fumiko didn't know was that I had already opened up a lot more to her than I had with many other people who I had met at university. Fumiko was gentle and sincere. I had been hesitant to draw close to her, but she had slowly begun to gain my trust, or at least, a little bit of it. A superficial amount, I guess you could say. My trust didn't come cheap, and even then it was given away in tiny handfuls, not generous armfuls. And, honestly, I doubted Fumiko would ever receive anymore of my trust than the small amount I had already given her.
I liked to skim the surface of relationships; the deeper waters of relationships scared and worried me, because more was expected of you...like your true opinions and thoughts. And those same feelings and opinions could easily be squashed before your very eyes by others. It was safer and more comfortable to skim the surface then to chance the harsh judgment that could befall on you by others.
That's not to say that I didn't occasionally enjoy visiting those deep, open waters of a relationship. But that was done far away from the university campus.
"Thanks for the offer, Fumiko, but-"
"But it's not your thing, right? Gotcha'. Well, that's fine, Etsuko," Fumiko sweetly smiled and started a new page of notes. I discreetly let out a sigh of relief. Thank you, Fumiko. She wasn't pressuring me to go to the social. Now that that was all over, we could get back to our project before Tadami tried to distract us agai-
"Hey, Kanji! Over here! There's a seat right here for you, buddy!"
My fists quickly hid underneath the table once more as they trembled with irritation. Tadami almost toppled from his chair as he leapt up and waved over a friend of his. I mentally slapped myself. I should have known better than to think that we would get some of our project done with him lounging around us. Even Juri's glares and snide comments were welcomed compared to Tadami's outbursts. That's not to say that I was happy with her leaving all the work for Fumiko and I...
Tadami's friend shyly made his way through a group of disoriented first year students who were nervously looking for an empty table. By the time he had managed to approach our table and sit down, my eyes, which had been previously analysing a textbook, began discreetly analysing him.
The two, round orbs in my head greedily examined all the little details that made up Tadami's friend, while my brain began to studiously tick off traits on my mental checklist. How were they dressed, how did they stand/sit/walk, how did they introduce themselves, what were they saying, what was their face saying that their mouth wasn't...? The list went on and was conducted on everyone. These analyses were not an offensive play, but rather, a defensive one. A safety check. I mentioned before that my trust was not easy to snag, and for good reason. There were a lot of nasty, deceptive, manipulative (not to mention eccentric) people out there, and boy, were they able to snag a lot of unassuming, overly trustful people. I, for one, was not going to be one of their little victims.
"I haven't seen you in weeks, man! Too busy with those science textbooks of yours, huh?"
My ears perked up. It sounded like this friend of Tadami's was quite studious. My interest was raised a notch.
"Tadi, don't hog Kanji all to yourself. Maybe he would like to be introduced to the two pretty girls sitting with us, hmm?" Fumiko tried to be sly and discreetly wink at Juri and I, but it was clearly witnessed by Tadami and his friend, who had formed a slight blush on his cheeks. Fumiko could boast of being many things, but she wasn't crafty; she wore too much of her heart on her sleeve, in my opinion. One day she was going to get hurt by being so open and accepting. It was practically guaranteed.
"Oh, sure. Uh, well, you already know my girlfriend here." Tadami squeezed Fumiko's shoulder affectionately. Fumiko giggled and amiably said "hi."
Tadami casually introduced Juri and I, "Hayata Juri and Yagami Etsuko. This is Ikoma Kanji."
All three of us bowed and politely smiled at each other. Well, Juri was doing more than smiling...she was ogling the new addition to our table with no restraint whatsoever. Ikoma seemed to notice and smiled shyly in her direction, paying no heed to me. Which was just what I wanted. It gave me a chance to accomplish an initial surface study of Tadami's quiet friend.
Ikoma Kanji was dressed in a light autumn sweater with a casual pair of jeans. His hair was nicely swept away from his face and, with a quick glance down to his hands, I noticed nicely trimmed fingernails. His posture was straight and a timid smile adorned his calm face. He was smartly dressed, well-groomed, and appeared attentive and friendly. He puts thought into his appearance, I thought. Point one for Ikoma.
With my initial analysis completed, I turned once again to the conversation, which Tadami was leading.
"...been trying to get Fumiko to come to a movie with me, but she's too busy with this project-"
"I told you, silly! I need to get this one part done or else I can't guarantee that we can go to the social." Fumiko lightly tussled her boyfriend's hair, while still trying to be attentive to Ikoma.
Juri momentarily tore her eyes away from Ikoma to give Fumiko a nervous look. "You mean, there's a chance you won't go, Fumiko?"
Maybe you could offer to help with our project, Juri, if you're that worried about Fumiko not going to the social?
Apart from my internal thoughts about Juri's laziness, no one paid her any attention.
"Do you mean that undergraduate social next Friday?" Ikoma quietly questioned.
"Yes," Fumiko nodded.
"Oh, well, I just walked past the booth they were selling the tickets from and it looked like they were almost sold out. I would probably go buy some if you haven't already."
Fumiko gasped and tugged on Tadami's shirt desperately. "Oh no, Tadi! We have to go buy them! I didn't know it was going to be such a popular social!"
"Calm down, Fumiko, it'll be alright. We'll head over there right now. Where was the booth, Kanji?"
"Just next door in the entrance way to Omori Hall."
"Thanks, man! Come on, Fumiko, let's go."
"Okay. Etsuko, sorry that we didn't really get the introduction finished. I feel bad just leaving you here with it, but-"
Before I could even answer, Tadami quietly sighed and tugged Fumiko into his arms rather clumsily. Fumiko blushed and sheepishly smiled at the rest of us as she let Tadami lead her towards the study hall's exit.
"I'll be back! Maybe I can work on some of the introduction when I return, Etsuko," Fumiko said over Tadami's shoulder.
"Don't worry about it, Fumiko. I don't mind doing it," I reassured her and she replied with a smile as she and Tadami rounded the corner.
Actually, I do mind. I have enough homework as it is with my other classes. Oh, well. What can I do? I don't want to let Fumiko down and it's not like Juri will help me out with it.
Speaking of Juri, she was already busily striking up a conversation with Ikoma, who had inched over to the chair that Fumiko had been previously occupying. Juri clearly approved of his move, since he was sitting beside her now, and he appeared to be interested in whatever she was rambling on about. From what I could hear from her quiet murmurs, she was telling Ikoma that she had already bought her social ticket a few days ago to beat the rush.
If only Juri could be that dedicated when it came to our project.
After Juri had finished rambling, Ikoma quietly complimented her on her plan to avoid the rush, which Juri "replied" by heavily blushing and turning her head a fraction away from Ikoma in embarrassment. Ikoma bowed his eyes to give Juri a bit of privacy. Although I wasn't interested in the flirting that was going on in front of me, I dutifully noted Ikoma's compliment and actions in my mental checklist. He's polite and respectful towards others' feelings. My interest in Ikoma grew a little bit more.
Juri quickly recovered from her small spell of embarrassment. "So, are you going to the social, Iko-"
All of a sudden, the chorus of a recent pop song started blaring from Juri's phone. A miniscule frown appeared on Juri's face as she politely excused herself to Ikoma and interrupted the ringtone by snapping her phone open. Ikoma smiled briefly at Juri as she softly talked to whoever was on the receiving end, and then turned towards me. Instinctively, a polite smile graced my face. Ikoma's shy smile faltered a little and his eyes searched my face inquisitively. He was a bit confused as to why I wasn't talking to him, but I didn't know what to say. I had a wealth of opinions and thoughts swirling inside my head about people and places and things, but when it came to actually striking up a conversation with someone, especially someone I didn't know, I froze. Even sometimes when I would be conversing with someone I knew well, my vocal chords tended to freeze right over. One slip of the tongue could ruin everything; better to remain silent as long as possible.
Thankfully, Juri saved me from the awkward silence that had been surrounding Ikoma and I by snapping her phone close and turning her attention back to Ikoma. Good. Now, Juri will keep Ikoma interested and occupied, while I try to work on this introduction. Finally, I will be able to get some work done.
It was too good to be true.
"That was Fumiko. Tadami only has enough cash for one ticket, so she asked me if I could quickly run down there with her purse. She was too busy being dragged out of here by Tadami to bring it with her," Juri grumbled the last part. She didn't seem thrilled with having to leave the table, now that Ikoma was here.
I was deeply upset as well. As Juri slung Fumiko's purse over her shoulder, my palms began to sweat and my stomach clenched with nerves. For once, I wanted Juri to be around. She was going to leave and I would have to talk with Ikoma. I wasn't ready to talk with him all by myself. I didn't even feel comfortable talking to Juri or Tadami all by myself, and I had, technically, known them for a couple of years now. Even though Ikoma seemed nice, I barely knew him! I still needed to do some more analyzing before I could speak privately with him! What was I going to say? Wait, I could –
"Juri, I could go deliver Fumiko's purse if you want," I eagerly said, as Juri pushed her chair in. She paused for a second and I honestly thought she was going to take me up on my offer. After all, then she could stay and have Ikoma all to herself.
But Juri's loyalty to Fumiko won over her desire to stay with Ikoma.
"I thought you wanted to get that introduction done, Etsuko? It's no problem for me." And then a nasty smirk made its way onto Juri's face and I realized that she knew exactly what she was doing to me. I may have been discrete about some things, like my dislike towards Juri, but I was horrible at covering up my anxiety and awkwardness when faced with the situation of interacting with someone I didn't know. I swear she could smell my unease a mile away.
"I'll be back soon," Juri directed her statement towards Ikoma; none of her reassuring comment was reserved for me. And, just like that, she was gone. I couldn't think about the project. All I was thinking about was how to safely navigate my time spent alone with Ikoma Kanji. He seemed nice enough, but I wasn't letting my guard down.
Ikoma broke the silence by warmly saying, "So, you want to be a psychologist like Fumiko?" Ikoma nodded towards my open Child Psychology textbook. I looked down at the page in front of me, as if staring at it was going to give me a fool-proof plan on how to handle the conversation calmly and safely.
Ikoma blinked. He was waiting for an answer.
Answer, dummy. You can't just sit here staring at him blankly.
"Um, no. Teaching. I mean, I-I'm studying to be a teacher."
Okay, you actually spoke to him. Good. But don't let your guard down. It's his turn now.
"Oh, nice! What grade?"
"E-Excuse me?"
"What grade do you want to teach?" Ikoma patiently asked.
"Oh, um, well, I want to teach primary school." I smiled shakily.
Come on, Etsuko. Relax. This is a perfectly normal, safe conversation.
"Primary school, hmm? I imagine you like kids then?" Ikoma leaned forward with his elbows on the table and his chin in his hand. He was becoming more relaxed and appeared to be interested in our conversation. If only I could have been relaxed and interested. All I wanted to do was run away.
"Yes, I do," I nodded and folded my hands together to keep them from fiddling. Ikoma waited in anticipation for more of an answer, but he would never receive more than what I had already given him. The best thing for me to do was to just nod and agree. I could just imagine his disappointed face if I told him the real reason I wanted to become a teacher.
There was some truth to what I had said to Ikoma, though. I did like children, at least, I'm pretty sure I did. Children were a lot safer than adults. Less intimidating. More trustworthy.
When Ikoma realized that I wasn't going to expand on my answer, he removed his elbows from the table and awkwardly looked down at one of Fumiko's textbooks, pretending to be interested in it. He was trying to escape the uncomfortable situation as well. I waited for him to say something, since it was technically his turn to talk, but when he shyly turned one of the pages of the textbook, I realized that he was stumped for words. I could imagine it was pretty difficult to keep up a conversation with someone who only gave shaky, two-word answers.
I took a deep breath and opened my mouth.
"So, what, um, what are you studying?"
Ikoma looked up and had a rather surprised expression on his face. I guess he hadn't expected me to talk. That shy smile graced his kind face again and he pushed the textbook away.
"Microbiology."
"Wow. That sounds impressive. How do you like it?" I was quite impressed. From what I had gathered from Tadami's short statement to Ikoma earlier on, Ikoma was quite the hardworking student. I could relate to that. Maybe this conversation wouldn't be so bad after all.
"Um, well, it's okay. Some of it's kind of interesting." Ikoma shrugged and leaned back in his chair. He appeared to be comfortable and relaxed, but something was off. His voice had grown softer, as if he didn't want anyone to hear what he was saying, and he had stumbled a bit on his words.
I was readying myself to ask him another question, when he quite abruptly stated, "My parents want me to be a doctor, so I'm getting a degree in Microbiology before I apply for Med school. That's their, um, my plan."
His eyes fixated on mine. He was waiting for my answer. I could tell by the fierceness in his eyes that he was curiously anticipating what I was going to say. I didn't know how to answer. Personally, I thought it was quite unfortunate that he couldn't study what he wanted (it was obvious from his stumble of words and dismissive tone of voice that he wasn't keen on studying medicine), but I couldn't voice that thought. What if he thought I was insulting his parents by telling him that he should pursue the degree he wanted? He would think that I was being disrespectful. No, I would just rely on how I usually responded.
"I see."
Ikoma blinked. I was tense in my seat and tried to keep eye contact with him, but quickly looked away. Shortly after, Ikoma looked away as well and stuffed his hands in his pockets. I stared at a chipped off part of the table. He shuffled in his seat and coughed. Was it just me, or had the atmosphere become even more uncomfortable?
Ikoma cleared his throat and sat a bit straighter in his seat. "Yeah, well, I don't want to disappoint them, you know. I mean, medicine could be okay, but, well...I would rather study architecture instead."
He doesn't want to disappoint his parents, huh? He obviously respects and honours them and their feelings. I admire that.
I could have told him that, but then would he think that I was agreeing full-heartedly with his parents and didn't sympathize with his dilemma? He would think that I wasn't empathetic.
I knew how to answer.
"I see." I nodded this time for good measure. I was agreeing with him. That was what he wanted, right?
Ikoma wasn't smiling anymore. In fact, he looked quite disappointed. Did I say something wrong? Was my tone of voice not right? Did I not sound attentive or polite enough?
A couple of seconds agonisingly ticked by, and I hoped that he was going to take my silence as a cue to move onto another subject. A less intimate, personal subject.
He sat up even straighter in his seat and folded his hands on the table. His mouth was drawn into a hard, fixed line, and he intensely gazed down at his whitening knuckles. He was preparing to tell me something that he was nervous about telling. Maybe something he wasn't comfortable telling, but that he wanted to get off his chest? Why, oh, why did he have to tell me? I just wanted a nice, normal conversation. Not a spontaneous, dramatic, semi-counselling session!
"In my opinion, classes in architecture are more impressive and interesting than classes in microbiology." Ikoma stared me in the eye. He had lost his calm countenance and appeared rather tense. His pupils bore into mine and I had the notion that he was waiting for me to realize something, so that he wouldn't have to just come out and tell me. What did this guy want from me?
"Oh, ar-are they?" I couldn't hold eye contact any longer. It was too uncomfortable.
"Yeah, they are." Ikoma paused for a second and looked down at his hands. He took a deep breath and quietly muttered, "I should know."
I was confused. I had been following the conversation, but now I was lost. Maybe it would be alright if I asked him to clarify what he was on about? That would probably be better than me continuously saying, "I see." He was probably getting bored with that answer.
"I'm really sorry, but I thought you were taking microbiology."
He stared at me and timidly smiled. He wasn't tense anymore, but more like...ashamed?
"I hardly know you, but you just seem like you're willing to listen." Ikoma's eyes lowered and he bowed his head a tad. He chuckled lowly, but it sounded miserable and weak.
"I should have just told you from the start to avoid any confusion." He looked up, but avoided my eyes. "You see, I'm actually taking classes in architecture. I changed all of my classes last month from microbiology to, well, architecture."
"Oh." It was the only thing that came out of my mouth. I didn't understand why he hadn't just said that from the beginning...unless it was because of –
"And, well, my parents don't know, you see. None of my friends do either. They still think I'm taking microbiology. I...I've been struggling for the last month to tell them. I know I need to tell them, but it's just so much easier to have them continue thinking that I want to get into Med school. I'm sorry that I'm unloading all of this on you, but like I said, you seemed like you were willing to listen and sometimes telling someone you don't really know seems easier than telling someone you do know, you kno-"
He continued rambling on about how he didn't know how to approach his parents with the subject of his academic changes, and how he felt guilty about deceiving them, not to mention the rest of his family and his friends. But I wasn't listening anymore. Outwardly, I appeared like I was listening by nodding and making eye contact with him occasionally, but, internally, my brain was crumpling up the checklist for Ikoma Kanji and shredding it into tiny pieces.
He was a liar. He had lied to his parents, relatives, and friends. He had successfully kept up a deceptive charade for a whole month. It didn't matter that he was struggling with guilt and shame about his decision to deceive his parents. He was still lying to them by not saying a single word to them about what he had done. He may have been polite, he may have cared about his appearance, he may have been hard working, he may have been considerate to others, but he was a liar...and that was one checkbox on my mental list that automatically equalled failure if checked off.
"...anyways, I guess I should tell them before they start pressuring me to apply for Med school, but – ugh, I just don't know. I just knew that I had to get this off my chest." Ikoma put his head into his hands and deeply sighed. I sat rigid in my seat, hoping for his cell phone to go off so he would have to leave or something. Anything for him to just leave me alone.
He let his hands drop into his lap and meekly looked up at me. "Sorry 'bout all that. But...well, what do you think?"
I had been dreadfully expecting that question and still didn't have an adequate answer. My true thoughts desperately wanted to be voiced, but they weren't let out from the confines of my brain very often.
I don't really know what to say or think about your situation with your parents. All I know is that you are not trustworthy, and thus, are not able to be my friend. You may have deceived your family and friends, but you won't get the chance to snag me into your little deceptive traps. Not this girl.
"I hope everything works out for you," I warmly answered and, of course, offered him a polite smile.
Ikoma sat slightly slumped in his seat and just stared at me. He opened his mouth suddenly, as if he was going to say something, but then decided not to and closed it. I watched as his wide, hopeful eyes slowly became heavy with realization that I was not going to give him any advice or encouragement. My hands couldn't stay still any longer and I picked up my pen to fiddle with. He slowly brought his hands up to rest on the table and stared at the cover of Fumiko's textbook. He appeared as if he didn't know what to do with himself.
I guess that's what happens when you reveal your true thoughts and feelings with no restraint whatsoever...
We both jumped when his cell phone exploded with a heavy metal ringtone and he snapped out of his reflective reverie to retrieve his phone. I was surprised by his choice of music; for such a quiet, calm person, I hadn't expected such loud, intense music. People were full of unexpected surprises and hidden secrets. I certainly didn't care to know anymore of Ikoma Kanji's secrets.
He scanned the received text message and then clumsily gathered his bag and stood up. "That was a friend of mine. I, uh, have to go meet him. Could you tell Tadami and Fumiko for me?"
"Oh, alright, sure. It was nice meeting you, Ikoma." I bowed my head. I was so happy that he was leaving.
He bowed and hesitated for a second before he stiffly replied, "Yeah, it was...nice talking to you, Yagami."
He was gone in a flash; clearly he wanted to depart from the table as quickly as possible. I would never see Ikoma Kanji again.
What a shame. He seemed like he could have been a really nice person. If only he wasn't a liar. Oh, well. I'm sure there's something else that he's hiding that I wouldn't approve of.
It seemed very peaceful all of a sudden. The buzz of conversing students quietly echoed off of the high study hall ceiling. There were no distractions, no interruptions...no deceivers. I finally had the table all to myself. Without further ado, I began to write the rough draft of the introduction.
...
"...I guess we could have done something else if the tickets were all sold out." Fumiko paused for a second, as she tried to act composed. But she was too ecstatic to act calm. "But I'm really, really happy we got them!"
Her laughter and smile were contagious and I began to softly laugh, simply because Fumiko was laughing. I was happy for her. She deserved to enjoy herself at the social since she worked so hard at school.
Our laughter died down and we walked in silence for a bit. Fumiko and I had worked on our project for another hour or so after she, along with Tadami and Juri, had returned from Omori Hall. I had told them that Ikoma had to hurry off to meet a friend. From the looks Juri had given me, I think she assumed that I had purposely scared Ikoma away so that she couldn't ask him if he was going to the social or not. I felt like telling Juri that he was a liar and that she, even with her laziness and clinginess, deserved someone who was at least trustworthy and honest. But I didn't, because who knew what Fumiko and Tadami would have said if I had voiced those thoughts about their friend? Besides, Juri wouldn't have believed me anyways.
By the time we had left the study hall, it was late afternoon and we all had to get home for dinner. Tadami had eventually given up with his attempts to hang out with Fumiko and disappointingly headed home. Juri had departed from us shortly afterwards on a different subway car, and Fumiko and I walked most of the way home in silence. She was revelling in the thought of going to the social, and I was revelling in the thought of almost being home. Occasionally, Fumiko would make a comment about something and I would listen and respond, but for the most part we enjoyed just listening to the early evening sounds of the neighbourhood.
"Etsuko, aren't you going away on a vacation soon, or am I mistaken?" Fumiko suddenly asked.
"Yes, I'm leaving this Sunday, although I wouldn't call it a vacation really." I was surprised she had remembered that I was going away. It must have been weeks ago that I told her.
"Oh? Why not?" Fumiko cocked her head to the side. She looked curious, but also concerned.
"Oh, well, it's going to be nice, I'm sure. It's just I've never met these relatives on my mom's side and I've never been to South Korea before-"
"Is that where you're going? That's where your relatives are?"
"Yes. My parents and sister and I are all going because my mom's cousin had twins. We'll be staying there for a little over a week. I'm worried about school when I come back and-"
"Oh, Etsuko, I'm sure it will be great! Being able to sightsee, getting to meet family members that you've never seen before, being able to cuddle two babies," Fumiko squealed at the thought of the twins. "I can understand where you're coming from on the school bit, but you're hard working and I can give you some of my notes when you come back. Plus, we made a lot of progress on our project today! You should embrace this opportunity to get away for awhile and have fun and relax!"
Fumiko eagerly wanted to convince me that the trip would be great. Maybe it would be. I was looking forward to seeing my parents and sister, since it had been a few months since I had been home in Tottori City with them. Missing over a week of school was something I was not pleased with though.
"Thanks, Fumiko. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure it will be fine." Maybe if I kept telling myself that, it would come true.
"It'll be great! Oh, and that's why you can't come to the social, right?"
I nodded shyly. True, I wasn't going to the social because I was going to be in South Korea, but university socials just weren't my thing anyways. Not for a cautious, introverted, worrier like me.
We had arrived at Fumiko's street. She turned and gave me a quick, but warm hug as we departed ways. I smiled to myself. She really was a good friend.
"Well, I hope you have a wonderful time, Etsuko, and take lots of pictures of the new babies and of your family members. I want to see all of your photos when you get back. Oh, and remember to do some touristy things, too!"
"Sure, Fumiko. I'll try to remember."
"Okay, see ya! Have a great time!" Fumiko called as she hurried down the street to her aunt's house.
"And you have a nice time at the social!" I called back, but not loud enough to bring any unwarranted attention to myself. Fumiko didn't seem like she had heard everything I had said, but nodded anyways and jogged out of sight.
I walked on. The fall breeze was refreshing. I could smell the delicious scents of people's dinners wafting through the open windows of the surrounding houses. I quickened my pace. I was hungry and tired and wanted to just flop down on my bed for a couple of seconds before I helped made dinner. Not too much further to go.
I walked past a group of rowdy teenage boys who were playfully punching each other and laughing loudly. I couldn't see any of their faces, since they were all huddled in a group, but I frowned as I heard snippets of their conversation about some girl in their class at school. I quickened my pace a little bit more as I heard the crude names they were calling her. They paid me no attention and I was soon out of range to hear their discussion.
What's wrong with some teenagers nowadays? I didn't talk like that or called people names like that when I was in high school. Don't they care what people, even people passing on the street, may think of them when they say things like that?
"Eager to get away from their conversation as well?"
I choked on my startled breath as I quickly spun around, dropping my book bag in the process, to face the owner of the voice. I was on the verge of bolting away, until I saw who it was. My heart steadily became calm again and I breathed a sigh of relief. I recognized the neatly combed, light brown hair and the piercing dark eyes. I recognized the spotless school uniform and the polished shoes. I recognized the confident, almost prideful, smile.
It was my cousin.
"Light! You scared me! You approached me so quietly, I swore I was all alone," I exasperatedly exclaimed, but my lips curved into a relieved smile as I slung my book bag back onto my shoulder.
"I'll take that as a compliment," Light quietly remarked as he handed me a book I had dropped and walked ahead of me. I ran a few steps to catch up. He was walking slowly with his hands in his pockets and his eyes were slightly cast down. It seemed like I wasn't the only one who was tired from a long day of school.
"And why would you take that as a compliment, if I may be so bold?" I teasingly inquired as I slightly leaned sideways to see his face. He slightly smirked and looked at me from the corner of his eye.
"Do you really want to know, Etsuko?" He had that slightly guarded tone of voice, as if he had a secret that he didn't want you to know, but that he was dangling in front of your nose nonetheless. He always did that to rile me up, even though I never got truly irritated with him. Just curious enough to ask again.
"Yes, I really want to know," I rolled my eyes at his tendency to draw things out.
Just tell me already! Even though I don't mind your teasing.
"Well, I was going to tell you, but then you rolled your eyes at me, so-"
"Liggghhttt," I playfully whined. I looked at him again. I usually didn't mind if he toyed with my curiosity for a little bit longer, but now I just wanted him to get it over with and tell me. I sensed that he wasn't enjoying our little "spat," but that he had other things on his mind. And I didn't want to hog his attention over some silly teasing if he actually had worthwhile things to think about. And knowing Light, he could've had a large range of things to ponder about. I wished my brain could hold as much information as his could.
His slightly narrowed eyes didn't escape my notice either. I had annoyed him by interrupting him, however unimportant an interruption it was.
I withdrew a bit and said, "Sorry I interrupted. That was rude of me." I meant it.
He stood a bit straighter and lifted his chin a little. His actions said it all. He didn't have to say anything for me to know that he had accepted my apology and was happy that I had said it. His pride was intact again. Not that it ever truly fell apart.
"Being sneaky is a notable trait of a policeman," Light simply answered. He didn't bother to face me to see my expression; he knew how I would react.
"Of course," I quietly remarked and we walked in a slightly tensed silence for a bit.
My cousin was determined to enter the police force as soon as he graduated from university. He was going to follow in the footsteps of his father, who was the chief of the National Police Agency. I pretended that I was thrilled for my cousin's career choice, but I secretly dreaded the thought of him enrolling in the police force. It wasn't that Light couldn't be a wonderful, successful police officer. On the contrary, he could probably be the best police officer the Tokyo police force ever had within their ranks. He was a top honours student, one of the brightest in the country. He had even helped with some of the cases that his dad had worked on and he was only seventeen. He had a bountiful amount of confidence. He was a born leader in everything he did, such as school and sports. And he cared about others, even though he often was restrained in his shows of outwardly affection. But why couldn't he help people in a less dangerous job? I had tried to cover up my worry and agitation when he had talked about studying to be a police officer, but my ever perceptive cousin knew that I wasn't keen on him "fighting the bad guys." It was a topic we rarely discussed with one another.
Those thoughts passed rapidly through my head as we continued to walk home in silence. I tried to come up with something to say. Whereas he quite enjoyed dwelling in silence with his thoughts, I felt uncomfortable surrounded by silence when in the company of another person. It was difficult for me to be silent with others and uneasy for me to talk to people as well...it was a fail-fail situation.
Then I remembered the comment he had startled me with.
"Were you eavesdropping on those teenagers' conversation as well?" I cheerfully inquired.
I hope he doesn't realize that I'm steering the conversation away from the topic of his career choice.
If he had realized my intentions, he didn't show it. He simply replied, "Technically, I was a part of their conversation."
"What! You mean those boys are your friends?" I couldn't control my surprise. Why would Light be hanging around those type of guys? They were crude, mean, and immature...they were nothing like Light.
"I never said they were my friends, Etsuko. They're just a bunch of classmates who insist on walking a part of the way home with me."
I studied the way his eyes glowed for a second and how the corner of his lip curved slightly upwards. They may not have been his friends, but that didn't mean he was bothered by their company. Light was popular, both with the girls and the boys in his class. It shouldn't have surprised me that a group of classmates wanted to follow him around in order to get a little bit of that popularity that he held in abundance. Furthermore, it shouldn't have surprised me that Light didn't mind being fawned over. My scrutinising eyes could see the eloquent pride that burned within his eyes. And in return, I blazed with pride for my cousin. He deserved to be satisfied with himself.
Then again, sometimes he's a bit –
I squeezed my eyes shut and repressed that annoying, unfaithful thought.
Light carried on. "Don't worry. I don't even know their names."
I looked at him. I felt like I had to make it up to him, even though I hadn't spoken the disloyal thought out loud.
"I know you make good decisions, Light. You make good decisions in everything you do, so of course you would choose your friends wisely as well." I paused for a second and considered the next thing I wanted to say. Light appeared to know that I wasn't finished talking by the way he languidly inclined his head slightly towards me, as if to say, "And what else?"
I confidently continued, "Although, I can't really say that I know what type of friends you would choose because you never bring any home." My eyes instantly darted towards his so I could read his reaction to what I had just said. I didn't want to offend him in any way, suggesting he didn't have any friends.
His eyes randomly focused on something in the distance and he shrugged.
"The national exams are almost here. I have studying to do. I don't have time to invite friends over." His answer sounded bored and rehearsed, as if he had repeated the answer to multiple persons. Probably one of those individuals was his sister, who was constantly pestering him with questions regarding both his social and love life.
I couldn't help but notice that he hadn't answered my inquiry into what type of friends he had. Just because he didn't bring home friends, didn't mean he had none. Right?
Of course he has friends, silly. He probably has bunches of people who are begging to be his friend at school. But like he said, he has studying to do, which, of course, is the wise, responsible thing to do.
"I assume studying and school work are the reasons you never bring home any friends."
My head jerked upwards and then meekly lowered. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Light stare at me, his brow creased with curiosity.
"Etsuko?"
I faintly smiled. A hint of concern tinted his voice. He knew that he had touched a sensitive nerve.
"That's very nice of you, Light, to say so, but we both know that's not the reason," I murmured sadly.
Light was silent for a second as he contemplated what he was going to say. He was so considerate that way. Other people just rushed ahead with an answer, not caring if they were being careful with their words or not. But not Light.
"There's that one girl you're friends with, right? The one you went to high school with?"
"Yeah. She's nice and sincere, but she's always hanging out with some of her other friends who I don't like. They wasted so much of our time today with their distractions and lack of commitment. They are so immature and lazy!" I exclaimed.
"I can imagine," was Light's quiet response.
"They introduced me to another friend of theirs today and he seemed like he had a lot of potential, but then I found out that he was a total liar." I sighed and shook my head sadly. "It was quite disappointing. I could have gained another friend."
"Too bad for him," Light shot a quick smirk in my direction and I felt my face grow warm from the compliment. I felt honoured to receive his praise.
"Well, I don't think he knows that I don't want to be friends. I sort of, um, let him down gently, I guess you could say." I sheepishly nibbled on my lower lip and avoided eye contact with Light.
"In other words, you didn't tell him whatsoever that you don't want to be friends, but instead just smiled and said nothing," Light correctly concluded. He wasn't asking for clarification; he answered confidently and matter-of-factly. He knew all of the little disguises that I wore and tricks that I used to camouflage my true thoughts and feelings from people. My sweet, polite smiles and ever-agreeable responses may have fooled other people, but they were no match for Light's perceptiveness.
It was that very insightfulness that had drawn me into a close relationship with my younger cousin. From an early age, I would plaster on fake smiles when I was upset or disagreed. And this wasn't done in order to simply follow the social norms. I did so because of the fear and mistrust I had towards people. Thus, I used this method to protect myself. People, even people I knew quite well, would carry on, believing that I was content as could be. Meanwhile, I would dwell in the security of knowing that I had escaped their judgments.
But Light was different. At an early age, he had been suspicious of his older cousin's chronic habit of smiling, and quite proudly announced to me that I was a fraud. I had tried in vain to convince him that everything was alright, but he was firm in his deductions and had demanded that I tell him why I was always pretending to be happy when I was upset, or agreeable when I disagreed. I embarrassingly told him that I didn't trust people with my thoughts and feelings.
I still remember him, eleven years old and bold as ever, standing in front of me in my living room. He and his parents and sister had been staying in Tottori City, visiting my family and I for a few days. My parents and his parents were in the kitchen sipping that familiar herbal tea that my mother always made. As he stood there, not budging in his stance and convictions, I remember scolding myself for telling my little cousin my problems. Being the older child, I shouldn't have unloaded my troubles on him. But being the mature boy that Light was, he wasn't scared off by his preteen cousin's worries.
"You can trust me, Etsuko." His simple, but sincere answer had shocked me. Someone could see past my pretending, but that was alright because I could trust them. I remember that realization had compelled me to wrap my arms around Light and squeeze him in a hug. I remember laughing as he tried to discreetly squirm his way out of my embrace; even as a kid he didn't thoroughly enjoy physical contact.
"I know I can, Light," I had responded and he had firmly nodded before politely asking me if I would like to see his recent tennis trophy that he had brought with him from home.
At the time, I didn't think that that conversation would amount to anything, but as we both grew older, and Light became more observant and confident, and I became more nervous and cautious around people, an unique bond between us flourished. Besides enjoying each other's company (our shared values naturally drew us together), we both benefited from each other's company. Light had concrete, passionate opinions that he was confidently firm in. He basked in the knowledge that I was interested in hearing his opinions, and I openly accepted being his "sound board" on the occasions when he preached his views and feelings about people and society. I had worries and disturbances with people. I found comfort in knowing that Light was a trustful, patient person who I could talk to at times, without worrying about him crushing my feelings and thoughts. On the contrary, he would usually applaud me for the unspoken judgements that I had passed on people whom I had encountered.
He received my loyalty. I believed that I had gained his as well.
We were almost home. I had to explain myself, even if Light already knew why I acted the way I did with most people.
"What was I supposed to say? I couldn't be rude and tell him point-blank that I couldn't be friends with him. And who knows what he would have thought or said if I did tell him? He would've been offended and then told Fumiko and she wouldn't want to be-"
"You have no trouble telling me how you feel so..." Light's voice was soft and serious.
My voice wavered with earnestness. "That's because I trust you, Light! I've known you for practically my whole life. I know that you're honest and faithful! But he's a liar and a deceiver and-"
Light continued to talk quietly, but the emotion in his voice increased. "How will bad people ever learn, ever change, Etsuko, if those who are right and honest don't show them that they are wrong? When I think of all the dishonest people out there-"
"Please, can we just stop? Please, Light?" This was too much for me. It was too uncomfortable. Too nerve-wracking. Too difficult.
I sighed. I hadn't raised my voice the entire time during our discussion, but the intensity of the conversation had tired me emotionally. I spared a glance at Light, who had fallen into a reflective silence.
To a passerby, Light's facial expression was bored and slightly tired, even bordering on expressionless. But to my eyes, his entire being was ruminating in a concoction of intense, passionate emotions and thoughts. His hands were clenched tight within his pockets; I could see the outlines of his bent knuckles through the fabric of his blazer. His head was slightly bent to hide the way his adam's apple bobbed up and down in his throat sporadically, as if was trying to swallow all of the thoughts that were overcrowding his mind. His mouth was curved slightly downwards and he barely took breath as he walked along, as if couldn't spare any brainpower to concentrate on breathing. His fringe covered most of his brow, but his eyebrows were slightly furrowed. And his eyes. Although half-lidded, such intensity boiled beneath those dark eyes. Such raw emotion and feeling that I could only imagine of experiencing.
It was strange, but sometimes I would have a funny thought when Light was captured in such an intense moment: I hide my feelings and thoughts because I am worried what people may think of me and what threat they pose to me. With Light, it seems as if he sometimes hides his feelings and thoughts because they're too powerful...too perilous for people to handle.
The thought bothered me, but I would dismiss it. It was too uncomfortable and laughable to ponder about.
I had to apologize. I had refused to listen to what he had to say.
"Light? I'm sorry for not listening. You know how hard it is for me to even hear such suggestions, such as confronting someone, never mind actually doing it. I don't have the type of courage and strength that you do."
He didn't answer right away. He was silently trying to cool down from the discussion. I could see how he slowly began to calm down: his hands released within his pockets, his head rose slightly, his breaths were calmer, and his eyes widened as he blinked and focused on his surroundings. He turned to me.
"I know, Etsuko. It's fine." His voice had returned to that bored, weary tone. As if the heated discussion had tired him.
But something didn't feel fine. He still sounded upset, even though he tried to cover it up with his relaxed strides and good-natured comments that he contentedly voiced during the rest of our walk home. Just like I couldn't fool Light with my disguises and tricks, he couldn't fool me with his collection of concealments. My eyes examined everyone in my sight, and that also included my cousin. And something, something, was bothering him. I just didn't know what it was.
By the time we reached the front gate, the intense discussion was forgotten and we had moved onto more pleasant topics. Light opened the gate for me and I smiled at him before turning my smile to my aunt's and uncle's house. It had been my home since I had moved to Tokyo to attend university, which was bordering on nearly three years ago. Although it never could replace my home back in Tottori City, it was more than a worthy substitute because of the people who resided inside its walls.
Light and I were welcomed home by the banging of a door upstairs and a piercing squeal. Sayu galloped down the stairs, still in her school uniform, and jumped up and down in front of Light and I. Light barely glanced at her as he unlaced his shoes.
"You promised, you promised, you promised!" Sayu bounced up and down with each word, her hands clenched tightly in front of her. Her excited eyes occasionally glimpsed at me, but they were mainly glued to her brother.
"What did I promise you, Sayu?" Light calmly asked as he stepped past Sayu and walked into the kitchen. Sayu trailed after him, literally right at his heels. I followed after.
"You promised that you would spend some time with me after supper tonight. Remember? You said that once you were done with that assignment of yours, you would do something with me. And since you handed that assignment in today, that means you can spend time with me! Right?" Sayu took a deep breath after her little speech. She was leaning against the counter and staring at Light as he said "hello" to his mother, who was busy preparing dinner.
"I don't know, Sayu-"
"But, Light, you promised! You can't break a promise to your own sister!"
I tried to intercede for Light's sake. "Sayu, he has a lot of studying to do for the national exams-"
"But he promised! I know you have to study, but can't you take a break for a bit?" Sayu pouted stubbornly. I sighed and shook my head at her ignorance.
Doesn't she know how important those exams are? She shouldn't be distracting Light from his goals-
"Alright, fine. But only for half an hour. Then I have to study. Got it, Sayu?"
"Got it, big brother! You're the best!" Sayu enthusiastically nodded and began to ramble out suggestions for what they could do together. Light nodded and agreed with any suggestions she put forth; it didn't seem to matter to him what they were going to do. I marvelled at how patient he was with Sayu. It wasn't rare for Sayu to poke her head into his room and ask for help with homework, only to watch him work through the assignment while she spent the time talking her head off about someone at school or some celebrity she liked. But he never turned her away and would occasionally spend time with her when she asked. If it was me, I don't think I could've handled Sayu's boisterous and distracting nature as patiently and serenely as Light did.
"Sayu, will you please go change out of your school uniform. Dinner will be ready soon and I don't want your father to wait around for you to be ready to eat," my aunt calmly spoke to Sayu, as she stirred something on the stove.
"Sure thing, mom!" Sayu bounced up the stairs and Light shortly headed upstairs to his own room. I placed my book bag against the couch in the living room and offered to help my Aunt Sachiko with dinner.
"Thank you, but there's no need, Etsuko. Dinner's almost done. Why don't you go upstairs and rest for a bit before your uncle comes home?" Aunt Sachiko smiled warmly. She created such a peaceful atmosphere in the house.
I bowed and made my way upstairs. As I passed Light's room, I noticed that he had already opened his school books to get in some pre-dinner studying. I didn't say anything to distract him. He was concentrating hard.
I placed my book bag on my desk, flopped down on my bed, and closed my eyes, giving them a rest before I was called down to dinner.
I had only closed my eyes for about five minutes when Sayu happily, and loudly, announced the arrival of her dad.
"Dad's home!"
I startled awake from my semi-conscious trance, stretched, and headed downstairs. My aunt was helping my uncle out of his jacket as he set his suitcase down on the floor.
"It's nice to see you home early, uncle."
Uncle Soichiro looked up and nodded slowly. "It's good to be home, Etsuko."
I believed him. He looked worn out and tired. It was rare for him to come home this early to enjoy dinner with the rest of us. Being the chief of the NPA was time-consuming and hard work, and it showed on my uncle's exhausted and creased face. I couldn't help but wonder and worry about Light.
Is Light going to look like that one day when he becomes a policeman, and most likely, the chief? Is he going to come home early some nights to his wife and children, tired and worn? Is he bound to follow in his father's footsteps to even this extent: ready to collapse when he enters through the door?
My thoughts were interrupted by the rest of the family heading to the kitchen. I followed suit and we sat down to dinner.
...
"So, did you catch any bad guys today, dad?"
I clenched my chopsticks tightly and cringed. Did Sayu have to bring that topic up? My aunt didn't look too impressed either.
"Sayu, dear, why don't we leave that talk for after dinner? Why don't you tell your father what you did in school today?"
"Nothing exciting happened in school today, mom, except for Rami spilling her whole lunch down the front of her blouse. So, dad, did you?" Sayu stared at her father with bare anticipation.
"No, Sayu, I didn't. Not today," uncle monotonously answered Sayu as he continued to focus on his food. He didn't seem too keen to talk about work. I didn't blame him, considering the work he did. No one wanted to talk about it, so why couldn't Sayu-
"Then I presume you still haven't gotten any leads on that double homicide case?"
I looked up at Light who had paused from eating and was staring at his dad, waiting for an answer to his question. That same intensity that had glimmered in Light's eyes when we had been in the middle of our heated conversation had returned. It was an eager intensity, a hopeful intensity. What was he so eager, so hopeful to hear?
"You're correct, Light. Unfortunately, we've exhausted our entire witness list and haven't come across-"
"Please, dear. You too, Light. Can't we have a nice, cheerful dinner? It can't be good for you, dear, to talk about work while you're at dinner with your family." Auntie's eyes pleaded silently with her husband to move onto another topic. My aunt was a lot more patient with her husband's and son's willingness to talk about crime cases than my mother was. Around my parents' table, my dad was never allowed to voice one word about his cases during dinner; my mother strictly forbade it.
"I'm sorry, dear. We'll stop talking about it," uncle warmly reassured auntie and then turned back to Light. "How was school today, Light?"
My eyes instantly darted to Light's eyes and, sure enough, that intensity had vanished and was replaced by a bored gaze. He shrugged as he picked at his food. "It's the same as usual."
That curiosity and worry as to what was bothering him returned to the forefront of my mind, but I barely had a chance to wonder when uncle turned to me.
"And how was your day, Etsuko?"
"Oh, it was very good, uncle." I smiled and took a sip of my tea. Light's amused look didn't get pass me, and I timidly smiled at him. His look said it all: "Oh, yes. You had a "wonderful" day, didn't you, cousin?"
The rest of dinner was uneventful. After cleaning up, Sayu raced upstairs to retrieve Light's video game console to connect to the living room TV. She had decided to play video games with Light for half an hour and reasoned that playing on the big screen was much better than on the small television in Light's room. I began to head upstairs to begin my homework, when Sayu tugged me back into the living room.
"You can play too, Etsuko. I wouldn't want to leave you out. Besides, it's more fun when there are more people to play with."
"Oh, thank you, Sayu, but I have homewo-"
"Surely you have time to play a couple of rounds, Etsuko?"
I looked past Sayu and found Light smirking at me from the couch.
That sneak! If he's forced to be away from his studies, then I guess he thinks I should be forced away from mine as well.
I complied and followed Sayu to the couch. I pointedly ignored Light's evident smirk, but I couldn't help but mutter as the game screen appeared on the TV, "Had to drag me into this as well, did you?"
Light's smirk grew a tad bigger and he innocently replied, "What are you talking about, Etsuko? Don't you want to play?"
My answer was a gentle prod in the ribs with my elbow. A dry snigger escaped Light's lips and we turned our attention to the game.
Even though Light would have preferred to have been upstairs studying, he didn't let the opportunity go by of beating both Sayu and I continuously at the racing game we played. For half an hour I listened to Sayu's half-hearted complaints when Light victoriously beat her over and over again, and Light's not-so-half-hearted objections when Sayu tried to nudge the controller from his hand when he was in the lead. I giggled at their sibling rivalry and didn't care if I won or lost.
We really should do this more often.
As soon as the half hour was up, Light set the controller down and stood up.
"Alright, Sayu, I have to go study now."
"Awww, alright. A deal was a deal. Thanks, Light! Thanks, Etsuko! I have my TV show to watch now anyways," Sayu responded as she switched the game off. The television returned to normal and the evening news popped up on the screen. Sayu was about to flip to her show, when Light's hand darted out and clamped down on the remote in Sayu's hand.
"Light? What are you doing? I'm going to miss my show!"
"...today Fujiwara Chikuma was found not guilty in the Kumamoto rape-murder case. Protesters gathered outside the court house to protest Fujiwara's release and innocence. Kumamoto Yasumi's parents and brother were amidst the protesters, along with her middle school classmates and several of her teachers. Kumamoto Yasumi's body was found on June 15th in the Tama River..."
"Light! Give me the remote! I can't miss my show!" Sayu grabbed at Light's hand, but his grip was firm and unmoving. His eyes were fixated on the TV screen. His mouth was creased into a disgusted frown.
I didn't like seeing Light that way. It was...worrisome. And the news. It was horrible and tragic. It needed to be turned off.
I joined Sayu as we tried to pry Light's hand off of the remote.
"Come on, Light. You don't need to see that."
All of a sudden, Light's grip slackened and he numbly handed the remote over to Sayu, who instantly flipped to her show. Light left the room without a word. I stood rooted to the spot, confused and concerned over what had just happened. Before I left the living room, I gathered the video game console and controllers in my arms and headed upstairs. I peeked into Light's room to see him hunched over his school work. I could've knocked and returned his video game equipment, but something told me that he didn't want to be disturbed at the moment. The way he was drilling a hole through his notes with his fierce gaze made me aware that I would not be welcomed. I definitely didn't want that gaze to fall upon me.
I headed to my room and began my own homework, but I couldn't stop worrying over Light. First our emotionally-riddled conversation on the walk home, then his intense stare at dinner, now his reaction at the news report. I couldn't stand not knowing what was upsetting my cousin. I would eventually have to ask, but it would have to wait.
As much as I needed to know what was upsetting him, I was scared to find out at the same time.
...
"Light? Is it alright if I come in?"
I softy knocked on his half-open door, hoping that I would receive an answer. I heard his chair rattle as he rolled away from his desk and stood up. The door opened fully and Light appeared in the doorway with a disinterested look on his face.
"What is it, Etsuko?" His voiced sounded tired.
"I just wanted to return your video game equipment and..." I hesitated and shifted back and forth on my feet.
"You need help with homework."
I looked at the notebook and calculator tucked underneath my arm. I guess it was an easy assumption to make.
"Uh, yeah. I mean, only if you have time, but-"
"It's fine." Light nodded and took the video game equipment from my arms. He instantly looked over the assignment. I sat back and let him study it before he tried to explain it to me. I couldn't help but beam at my cousin's intelligence. He was still in secondary school, yet he could easily look through a university-level mathematics problem and figure it out. I liked imagining what great things he was going to accomplish one day.
My admiration towards my cousin couldn't stop me from worrying though. He was in the middle of the problem when I softly cleared my throat and inched forward. Light looked up from my notebook and raised an inquisitive eyebrow.
"Yes?"
"Um, do you mind if I ask, um...if I ask what's bothering you?"
Light's brow furrowed in mock confusion. "What are you talking about, Etsuko?"
"Please, Light. I know I didn't listen to you before, and I'm sorry for not doing so. But I'm ready to listen now. When we were talking about that boy I met at school today, you were upset. And then at dinner today when you were talking with uncle, and when you saw the news. You looked bothered, and I was worried about you. I-I still am."
Light looked at the serious, worried expression I wore on my face. He sighed, set down his pencil, and stared at his hands. A moment of silence went by, which was extremely difficult for me to sit through. I was nervous of what Light would say. Maybe it's nothing, but what if something was really wrong? I couldn't help but think that it was the latter.
Finally, he spoke.
"There's a lot of bad people out there, Etsuko, and it's not fair that they get away with hurting others."
I frowned in puzzlement at what he said, and then began to understand. There were a lot of bad people in society: the acquitted criminal on TV, the murderer uncle was trying to capture, even lying Ikoma Kanji. And there were a lot of people who got hurt: the middle school girl whose body was found months ago and her grieving family, the two murder victims in uncle's case, and Ikoma's parents and friends and...me? Light was upset because of the crime-infested, immoral society that we lived in? It bothered him so much that he would freeze and stare with such intensity, such emotion? It bothered me too, but not to that extent. Frankly, I was unsure of how to respond.
But Light was patiently looking at me, waiting for an answer.
"Uh, well...I'm sorry, Light. I don't really know what to say. It is horrible how so many bad people get away with hurting others without getting punished, but what can we do? The police are doing the best they can," I hesitantly muttered out.
Light looked disappointed with my answer and looked back down at his hands. I slightly panicked.
Please don't be disappointed with me, Light! I'm trying to listen and help! I just want to make you feel better but-
"If it bothers you so much, then maybe you shouldn't think about it, just ignore it. That's what I do if something is too distressi-"
"Ignoring these problems won't solve anything." The bitterness in Light's voice was clearly evident and I noticed how he clenched his pencil tightly in his hand. "These people need to be brought to justice, Etsuko, and only then will the ones who were hurt be able to feel safe and relieved. Surely you and your family can relate to that."
My eyes widened in surprise. My hands gripped the fabric of my jeans tightly. I let my hair and bangs cover my distressed face. I couldn't let Light see how upset I was by his last comment. I didn't want him to feel guilty of upsetting me.
If only it was that simple, Light. If only it was that easy to feel safe and relieved.
From behind my veil of hair, I watched as Light's frown of bitterness transformed into one of regret. The wheels on his chair squeaked as he inched closer to where I was hunched over. His hand lightly rested on my shoulder. I tentatively glanced up and saw the unmistakable glimmer of concern in his eyes.
"Etsu...," he softly murmured. The tension in my shoulders released. The familiar nickname, which had been originally bestowed on me by my father, was spoken by Light whenever he wanted to get my full attention. And when he was genuinely sorry.
"Forget I said that," he gently whispered and then lifted his hand and rolled back to his former position.
That was Light's form of an apology. I gladly accepted it with a nod of my head and a small smile.
He then resumed speaking in that former embittered tone.
"It's just frustrating. Something needs to be done. It's just...just ridiculous."
Although he didn't raise his voice and barely altered the tedious expression on his face, his words carried a deep, blistering bite to them. My chest clenched with pride and admiration for my cousin and his ambitions and desires. His thirst for justice was heart warming in a society that mainly consisted of hearts that beat with indifference and ignorance.
Sort of like my own heart at times-
Thank goodness for individuals like Light then, who were brave and strong and righteous enough to go forth and make society a better place! I had no doubts that Light could do it, could change the rhythm and beat of society's "heart."
But my hopefulness was washed over by the ever-powerful waves of worry. What type of sacrifices and risks would Light have to make in order to abolish those injustices? What dangerous forces might he encounter? I frantically tried to avoid the tidal wave of anxiety that was flooding my mind. I desperately tried to cling onto optimistic thoughts.
"Light..."
His glazed over eyes melted as he broke away from his distressing thoughts to face me.
"You'll make a great policeman one day. And society will be thankful for the improvements that you'll create," I fiercely whispered.
Light blinked as he registered the words I had passionately murmured. His mouth curved into a confident, satisfied smirk.
"That's what I'm aiming for."
He returned to my assignment and eventually I, under his patient instruction, was able to successfully complete my math homework. We spent the next half hour discussing school, the national exams, and my upcoming trip. It was nice and light hearted, and Light seemed more relaxed. We didn't delve any deeper into the topics of justice or crime or what needed to be done to fix society up. I wouldn't have minded if we never discussed those topics again. I was happy to just spend time catching up with Light.
If need be, those heavy topics could wait for another day.
...
On Sunday, November 24th, my uncle drove me to the airport for my departure to Tottori City. I would spend one day at home before heading off with my parents and sister to South Korea. As my uncle drove us away from the house, I watched as my aunt and Sayu waved goodbye. Light stood beside them, a small, casual smile on his face. As happy as I was to get the opportunity to see my parents and sister, I knew I would miss my other family members and my daily routine. I kept thinking to myself as I leaned back in the front seat, soft music humming from the radio, I'll be back before I know it. Back to normalcy.
Little did I expect the changes that would occur during my trip, both in my family...and in my country.