1Author's Note: I hope you all like this little experiment. "Just Desserts" is a series of dessert-themed oneshots. Gay and straight pairings included. I may continue this series if enough people like it, and/or if I get ideas for other desserts/pairings that could be put together. Read and review please.

And don't worry, I'm still working on "Dance With The Devil" too. :)

CHAPTER ONE: Wendy/Cartman. Cake.

Wendy sighed as she entered the restaurant. She didn't know why she'd even agreed to come in the first place. Cartman left her a note telling her to show up, and there she was without so much as a single question. How such an evil, manipulative person managed to hold such power over so many people, Wendy didn't have the slightest clue. She did know one thing however. She knew she wanted to harness Cartman's incredible powers of persuasion for her own benefit. She would do good things with such powers though, unlike him. At least that's what she told herself. That was probably why she'd shown up. She wanted to get closer to Cartman only to discover how he did what he did. It had to be the reason she'd came to meet him. What else could it be?

She was about to request a place to sit when she heard the fat boy call out. "Over here!" he said. Unbelievable! The presumptive bastard had already gotten a table. He knew she'd show up even before she had decided for herself. Why did she let him do these things to her? She didn't even know why she was supposed to meet him here.

"Let's get right to the point," Wendy said as she sat down across from Cartman at the table. "What do you want from me?"

Cartman flashed a seemingly innocent smile Wendy's way. His tone of voice became syrupy sweet as he spoke. "Now now, is that any way to talk to a man who's about to get you what you love?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Can I take your order?" the server suddenly asked, interrupting their conversation.

"We'll split a pizza," Cartman decided on Wendy's behalf. "Oh, and um, it's our anniversary today. Does your fine establishment do anything special for that?"

The server smiled. "Yes sir. Actually our wait staff will sing to you, and you'll get a free piece of cake."

"Really?" Cartman said with feigned surprise. "Wow that's so kewl."

"I'll go get your order," the server said. He walked away.

Wendy just stared after the man, looking confused about what just happened. She turned back to face Cartman and resumed her usually stern facial expression.

"What was that about? Look Cartman, if you're trying to bribe me with food so I'll help you kill someone-"

"No one has to die for this plan to work," Cartman assured her.

"What plan?" she demanded to know.

Cartman reached into his pants pocket, producing a small, folded piece of paper. He unfolded the paper onto and across the table, letting Wendy take a look at it. It was a map. Cartman looked around, making sure no one was within earshot, and continued.

"We can get free cake for the rest of our lives," he began.

Wendy rolled her eyes. "You brought me here to talk about cake? You fat ass!"

"Wait! Just hear me out on this. I know that you're the only one who can help me pull this off."

"Why me?"

"...Because" was all he could think of to say in response.

"What is this thing?" Wendy wondered.

"It's a map of every restaurant in the tri-city area. I've checked it out. All the places I've marked on here give out free pieces of cake for things like birthdays, anniversaries, whatever. So, if we go into these places and tell them it's our anniversary, we'll be eating free cake the rest of our lives!"

"Our anniversary?"

"That's the catch," Cartman explained. "We'd have to pretend to be a couple. I know it's not going to be easy for either of us, but it's a small price to pay for free cake. For the scam to work best we'd have to only eat at one of these places, say, once a month. We start here, move west to the next restaurant on the map, and go from there. By the time we start all over again they've forgotten all about us. What do you say?"

Wendy looked down at the map. She blinked. She looked back up at Cartman and blinked again. Then, she stood up from the table.

"You bastard! I'm not going to pretend to be your girlfriend to get -cake-!"

"Shh!" Eric hushed her, not wanting her to blow the scheme. "We'll split every piece," Cartman bargained in an angry whisper.

"No" she repeated firmly.

"Why not?" Cartman asked, now in more of a whining tone. "You love cake too. It's your favorite dessert after double-stuffed Oreos," he reminded her.

Wendy softened a bit. She was both surprised and impressed that Cartman knew her two favorite desserts. Then again, if there's one thing he'd remember about her, it would be the food she ate.

"It's still stealing, Cartman. I'm not going to lie about having a boyfriend just because they'll give me a free piece of cake for it."

Cartman sighed. "Why do you always, always have to do the right thing and screw up my genius plans? You work hard. You get straight A's. You've earned everything your whole life. You deserve something to be handed to you for once. You deserve that free cake as much as any woman in a real relationship. More even. Are you telling me some skank who hasn't gotten caught cheating on her husband yet deserves cake as much as you? Someone who doesn't work hard like you do? I want you to have that cake Wendy. I want -us- to have that cake. This is bigger than both of us. Don't fight it."

Wendy frowned slightly. God dammit, Cartman was doing it again! He was charming her. He was making her think of bending to his will. Truth be told, she -did- want that free cake. Wendy knew even more than Cartman just how hard she worked. How she far too often had to put aside things like entertainment or a social life in order to write another award-winning paper or organize another protext to save some animal. She knew first-hand that she deserved to indulge now and then. She was, usually, an extremely moral person. Her sweet tooth was her one constant weakness. So long as she kept herself in decent shape, why the hell should she have to fight -that- urge too?

Because, inside, she knew what Cartman was proposing still wasn't right. Wendy hated her conscience sometimes.

"I'm leaving," Wendy decided.

Cartman reached across the table, taking hold of her arm to prevent her from moving away. "I'm trying to hook you up here. Now sit down and let's talk about this some more."

Wendy glared at Cartman. She successfully grabbed one of the knives on their table. Cartman's hand released Wendy's arm and pulled away just before the blade of the knife could make contact with his skin. She drove the knife straight into the table instead.

"I'm not your bitch, so don't you dare touch me or tell me to sit and stay! I'm also not your girlfriend Cartman, which means I wouldn't be earning that cake. And believe me, if I were ever dating you, I'd deserve something for free for all the crap I'd have to put up with!"

"AYE! You wanna stab me ho? Fine! Go ahead! Stab me and drink the blood you thirst for from mah body. But you know what my blood -won't- taste like when you're done Wendy? It won't taste like sweet, delicious frosting."

Wendy stayed put. Cartman had a point with those last three words, which he intentionally emphasized and stretched out for effect. It must have worked, because Wendy sat back down.

Cartman's tone softened, trying to be more encouraging. "Wendy, this is a golden opportunity. The only thing you should be using that knife for, is cutting our cake in half."

Wendy hesitantly yanked the knife back out and set it down on the table. She still wasn't quite sold.

"I told you, I can't lie. I can't pretend you're my boyfriend when you're not."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay look, if you're gonna be that goody-two shoes about it, why don't we just -become- a god damn couple and then it won't really be lying, okay? We can still go to those places once a month, and then it'll be our monthly anniversary for real, okay?! There! Problem solved! Are you happy now, hippie?"

"MAYBE I Am!" she screamed, now drawing attention from other people in the establishment.

"FINE, SO I GUESS WE'RE A COUPLE NOW!" Cartman screamed back.

"I GUESS SO!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY THEN!"

"THANK YOU!"

The wait staff stood frozen around the table, their mouths agape in disbelief. Wendy and Cartman's server finally worked up the nerve to speak as he set their slice of anniversary cake down on the table.

"...We'll come back."

The wait staff disappeared quicker than they had appeared. As they looked at the piece of cake left on the table, they both smiled across the table at one another. Cartman was right, as usual. He really had given Wendy what she wanted.

And it wasn't necessarily a piece of cake.