Don't envy me! Please!
I know, I will never be able to have a family just like yours. Your parents might love you so much that they overprotect you, but trust me; it's better than being unloved, like me. You might argue with them for not letting you go out with your friends or because you are not allowed to date. They might make you feel guilty for rejecting your friends and make you turn down invitations. They might criticize everything and be suspicious of everything. They might watch your every move to make sure you're doing what you're SUPPOSED to do or what they want you to do. To you, their love is just like a snake, strangling you, so tight that you can't even breathe. Their love is just like a box, isolating you from the whole world. All of that means they love you and I would give up anything to get that. A complete, a loving family….
She turned the lock and pushed the door open. It was only 6 o'clock, but it looked like night-time outside, the darkness reflected her feelings. Today, the emptiness of the house made it look even darker and murkier than usual. It was raining outside. Just a few minutes ago, she had liked the rain. It made her calm.
She shivered as she stepped onto the icy kitchen floor; she knew even if she turned on the radiator, it would never melt away the reality or dissolve the past. She stared at her reflection in the glass window; she turned sideways and back again. She was fat! Very fat! Just by looking at herself made her sick! She couldn't bear to look at herself anymore. Just as she was turning to go upstairs, she felt a strange sensation, she felt like she was being watched. She spun around and to her surprise; she found herself looking at a photo, a photo of herself and her parents. It was lying very still and motionless on the kitchen table. Images started appearing in her mind like a film being played, images of families, happy families, laughing families. Tears filled her eyes as she watched these pictures. They reminded her of something, something deep inside her, something she tried to hide from herself and everybody else, for years. She tried to block the images, she tried to look away, but she couldn't, she was drawn to it, there was a magnetic force pulling her towards it. She couldn't help remembering, remembering the joy and happiness, the fun they had together.
It all ended when her mum fell down the stairs and went into hospital. Her dad and her used to visit her everyday, they used to laugh and play just like before. A few months later, her dad had to find a job to pay for her mum's hospital fees while she was in hospital. He began to work day and night to support the family. She had a feeling that her mum would never be able to walk again, she knew. So sometimes she went on her own, sometimes she didn't go at all in a week, then a month. Then, she just gave up, completely. There was no use, it wasn't going to work. Maybe that was what god wanted, to break up her family. No matter how much she tried to make up for the time that they were apart, the same feeling just could not come back. Every now and then, she thought that she was the only one who was actually trying. She loved her parents and always will. But she couldn't stop hating them for doing this to her. Some people might envy her because both her parents loved her so much, but she was very lonely. She was lost, vulnerable and she felt unloved. She didn't want to show it in front of them, she didn't want to cry in front of them, she didn't want them to worry about her, but yet, she could not forgive them, and never could.
Just then, the phone rang.
"Hello?" she whispered.
"Hello dear." It was her mum, she sounded extremely happy. "Darling, your dad and I must tell you something. Something very, very important, to all of us."
"Ok." She was reluctant to talk to her mum after what she just saw. "How come the photo is here? The photo of you, me and dad."
"Oh, I found it under your bed." Her mum's voice changed suddenly as she remembered the time when she found the photo, she was so confused and worried about her daughter. "Anyway, the thing I was going to tell you is that your dad and I are going to sign this new contract and we are not coming home tonight, is that ok with you? Can you stay on your own at home tonight?"
"Yeah." She loathed herself for even picking up the phone, why did she have to hear this? She knew this was coming, she was dreading this, but this could not be stopped. Her parents were always like this, they would sacrifice her for their jobs and future, and did they actually think about her, her happiness and her feelings?
She put down the receiver, her eyes fixed on the calendar automatically, it was just above the telephone. The bright red circle gazed back at her, it was circled round a date, a very familiar date and even SHE couldn't remember. She looked down, shook her head, and lifted her head up again. Tears filled her hazel eyes once more, of course she couldn't remember, she remembered it TOO WELL!
Some people might envy me because I have parents who love me so much, but that was only the past, the past I've being running away from for so long. I past that I would give up anything to forget. The joyful, envious past. I hate it, I loathe it. I know I will never be able to get it back, time has moved on, and it won't stop just for me to replay the past or catch up with the present. So I guess I'll have to move on too and, now.