"Jay, please don't be mad…" he trailed off.
"Mad? Me? Why on earth would I be mad?" I questioned. "It's not like I haven't been in a relationship that was doomed from the start. And finally that I decide to have faith in it, you come and tell me that it's not working out."
"Okay, Jay, just let me explain the situation; please?" he pleaded. I was gonna let him do it, until I realized that I really didn't want the truth. I didn't wanna know the reason as to why I couldn't call him mine. I didn't wanna hear that my biggest fear has actually become reality.
This whole relationship, all he would do was talk about how amazing he was. When I would change the subject, he would somehow bring it back and remind me that they had a better relationship than Kendall and I had. It wasn't that I hated Logan – much the opposite – it's just that I can't stand when Kendall would only talk about him. It was like I didn't exist as his girlfriend. But today was different. He had finally told me that this relationship that we had wasn't working. You know why? Because I don't know how to talk about anything but the things I wanna talk about. Well, maybe not exactly those words; but that's what I assumed what he meant.
Kendall and I have been dating for almost eight months. Before that, I had been really good friends with all the boys from Big Time Rush. Nothing really changed once we started dating, maybe the fact that the flirting that James and I did had reduced. Nothing changed – really – between Kendall and I, we already acted like we were dating. Logan and I probably drifted slightly – because of my theory of him liking Kendall, himself. Carlos and I have always been close, considering he was the reason that I met all the boys. In the beginning, the five of us had declared Friday nights sleepovers (even with them being "men," and men don't do sleepovers). Once Kendall and I started dating, those days started becoming date night, and eventually no more sleepovers.
Once Kendall and I hit our two month anniversary, the others had an "intervention" saying that we needed to have our Fridays together. After a while, everything ended up like nothing ever changed, and Kendall and I were still just friends. As Friday being sleepover night, Kendall quickly suggested that we have our date night on Saturdays, so that we still had our day together away from everyone else.
As I came back to reality, I realized that Kendall was waiting for my okay to explain. Quickly nodding my head, I realized that I did – for some reason – want to know that it was my biggest fear being the reason as to why I was gonna be no longer his girlfriend. Because even though I don't wanna admit it, I would much rather have Kendall dating Logan than have him date some slut that I couldn't stand being around. That's when I realized that he probably wouldn't want to have anything to do with me, which quickly brought tears to my eyes that I willed not to fall.
"Jada, I do love you; really, I do. Please, don't ever forget that. It's just that my heart has changed. Wait, are you crying?" he took a step towards me, and I stopped him from coming closer.
"No, w-why would I-I be crying?" I know that I have a problem with accepting the truth. I hate when other people know things about me before I even know it myself.
"Jay, please don't cry…I don't wanna see you crying."
"I'm fine. Kenny, please just continue with your explanation." I looked down, to get away from having to see the sadness in his eyes. "Please."
"Okay, I guess I owe you that much." His voice had a sharpness to it that I only heard when I was being bullied back in high school. Logan and I were the only two that he ever made it his duty to find the ones that hurt us.
Logan and I weren't bullied for the same reasons, but we were bullied by the same exact people; jocks. Logan was super smart. I mean, really smart. When he's older, he wants to be a doctor. I always tell him that if this band thing falls through, to definitely go on with the doctor thing. He was bullied for always having A's and for never really dressing like everyone else. I used to be bullied for being quiet. I never made it a priority to make friends; the ones that I had – the four boys – made it their duty to get close to me. It wasn't like I was going to push away the only ones that wanted to be in my life. Still, to this day, it baffles me to no end.
Every time that Logan or I ended up at home crying, he would immediately assume that someone had bullied us, and most of the time he was right about the situation. That is, until I realized that I had feelings for him, which I had for no one else. I remembering it being January 2nd, the five of us had gotten back from our winter vacation that we always took up to a cabin in the mountains. It was always just the five of us. We would stay from December 22nd until January 1st, and it would always take us about two and a half hours there and back (depending on the condition). On the second of January, life went back to normal and I had to get back to my job. On the way home, I had debated on whether or not the "date" Kendall and I had later that night was in fact a date. That's when I realized my feelings for him, because I desperately wanted it to be a date. That day, I promised myself that I would tell him how I felt, the day that I graduated high school; and I did. He didn't say anything back; he just mentioned that he had stuff to do, and that we'd talk later. We didn't talk for a couple weeks. When we finally talked again, he told me that he didn't feel the same way, but obviously that didn't mean anything. Here we are, two years later, dating; well, breaking up.
"Jay, I love you; but I'm not in love with you. I might be in love with someone else…" he trailed off at the end, again. He had a thing with doing that, when we were fighting.
"Yeah, I kinda figured that much." He raised his right eyebrow, which meant that he wanted me to elaborate on this. "Kenny, I know that you love Logan. I know that you've had feelings for him for a while now. I just didn't mention it, because I didn't want it to be true. I wanted to keep you to myself, as my boyfriend, my true love, my lover. I didn't want you to end up loving someone else, or leaving me and never wanting to have anything to do with me ever again." I hadn't noticed him close the space between us, until I felt him wrap his arms around my waist.
"You can't really think that I would kick you out of my life over something that neither of us could control. I never lied to you, when I said that I loved you; because I do love you. It's just not in that way, y'know?" I nodded my head. "By the way, you're right about it being Logan. I am really sorry about that, though. I wish I could take it back, because I know that he would never feel the same about me. I just can't lie to you or myself, anymore." He said, pulling his head back to look me in the eyes. I noticed that he too had tears in his eyes.
"How could he not feel the same about you? You are an incredible guy. You care about people. You have an amazing smile. And you are the most gorgeous person that I have ever met." I smiled at him. When he returned the smile, I instantly knew that this wasn't going to ruin our friendship. I knew that even though we weren't going to be together we were still going to be the best of friends, just like we used to be.
"You don't know how much I love you right now. You know – as a friend…because that would be weird, after what I just said."
"Kendall, its fine; I know what you meant." Pulling away, I heard someone walking into the room. Turning towards the door, I saw Logan standing there. There was a look in his eyes that showed a new emotion. I wasn't completely sure what the emotion was, but I was pretty sure that it was jealousy. "Logan, hey!"
"Hi…am I interrupting anything?" he looked from me to Kendall, then back to me. When I looked back to Kendall, he was looking over at Logan.
"What? No! No, you're not interrupting anything. Ha, we were just – uh – talking about things." I am definitely not good at making up things on the spot. "I actually need to go…" I trailed off at the end, and then headed towards the door. Before I left, I turned around and said, "Have fun, guys! I'll talk to you later Kendall"
XxX
Kendall
I can't believe that she just left me in here. What am I supposed to do? I know what she wanted me to do, but I can't just tell my best friend that I was in love with him. Telling him that I loved him would ruin our friendship. Telling him everything that I just told Jada would without a doubt ruin anything I ever had with him. Jay took the information well, because she was understanding. Jada understood what I was going through. She and I were in the same situation when we got together.
"Kendall?"
"Huh? What were you saying?"
"I was asking what was wrong. You look like you just got your heart ripped out of your chest…did Jada do something? Is there another guy? Do I need to kick her ass?" those last few questions made me laugh. Jada would never in a million years cheat on anyone.
I was so grateful that Jada didn't end anything between us. I mean, we obviously weren't dating anymore; but I was glad that she was still my friend. I know that things would be kind of awkward between the two of us, things instantly changing, but I knew that in the end we would get through this. I don't know what I would do, if she didn't want to remain friends. I loved her, just not the way that I love Logan.
"No! No, nothing like that." I looked down. "We just broke up. It's nothing important."
"What do you mean, 'nothing important?' of course it's important! Why did she break up with you? You two seemed perfect." He was really worried.
This is why I can never tell him the truth. Maybe I shouldn't have told Jay, maybe I should have just grew old with her and have kids with her.
"Actually, I broke up with her."
"Why?" I knew that he was going to ask that.
"Uh, no -"
"Please don't say 'no reason'. Obviously there's a reason; otherwise you wouldn't have done it."
Without even thinking, I said it. I told him the truth. I don't know what got me to say it, but I blurted it out. "I'm in love with you!" after I said it, my eyes went wide and I covered my mouth with my hands.
"What?" oh god, here it comes. Here comes the name calling. He's gonna instantly say that he wants nothing to do with me ever again. He's gonna run out of the room screaming. He's gonna kiss me? What? Wait, that's not right.
Before I could even respond to the kiss, he pulled back.
"What was that?" I asked before I could jump to conclusions, and then be told they weren't true. I didn't want to get my hopes up like that.
"A kiss." He said it like it was a natural thing.
I wanted to just pull him back towards me, after that, and kiss him. Before I could do anything like that, though, I knew that we had things to discuss. I knew that I had to tell him the truth now. I was aware that he may not feel the same way; but I would be perfectly satisfied with being his friend, especially after that kiss – I would die happy.
"Logan, I'm sorry for what I said…I'm sorry that I can't change who I like." I looked down; suddenly the carpet in this room was the most interesting thing in the world. "I wanted to so badly fall in love with Jada. I wanted to grow old with her, but I was over hiding my feelings from her. I owed her that much – to tell her the truth."
"Kendall!" I just realized that he had been saying my name the whole time I was talking, I just refused to stop talking. "Listen, if I didn't feel the same way, I wouldn't have kissed you. Why do something like that right after you telling me that you loved me? That would be so cruel of me."
"You do?" I knew by the smile on his face that my face had a look of hopefulness.
"Yes. I do, Kendall." And with that, he reached up to place his hand on my neck and pulled me in for another kiss. He mumbled my name against his lips. Pulling away to look at my face, he said four words that I never thought he would say, "I love you, too."