Author's note: all usual disclaimers apply. Yes, this is stretching credibility beyond the norm, but it is written to amuse, not be taken too seriously.

DI Tommy Lynley approached his sergeant's desk cautiously. He was glad she was alone in the squad room. Havers had been crotchety all morning since she had spilt her coffee all over her new trousers when he had braked too hard to avoid a black cat that ran in front of his car.

"Barbara?"

"What?"

"Hillier wants to see us. He wants us to help on a case somewhere?"

She looked up and frowned, clearly intrigued. "Did he say where?"

"The Lakes District I think."

"What case?"

"I have no idea, honestly. Maybe we should find out?"

"My trousers are stained. I look a mess."

"I've offered to buy new ones, and I will cover the dry cleaning. And since when did you care what you look like? "

"Thanks very much! Just because I can't afford Saville Row suits, doesn't mean I'm slovenly."

"No one said you were slovenly. You are just 'come as you are'. I admire that about you. But there's something more bothering you than stained trousers, isn't there? Will you tell me what's upset you?"

"No."

"Suit yourself." Tommy began to walk towards the lift.

She ran and caught up. "I'm feeling old. That's all. Life has passed me by."

Tommy was expecting something far more mundane than a mid-life crisis. He put his hand on her shoulder. "It hasn't, I promise. Let's have dinner and talk about it, or if we have to go to the Lakes, we can discuss it in the car and then some more tonight. You know you can talk to me about anything."

She looked up and for the first time today, gave him a genuine, heart-warming smile. "Ta. I'm just being silly, aren't I?"

There was no correct answer for that question. "No, if it's worrying you, then it's not silly. But you don't have to brood on it alone."

She smiled. "Thanks. I'm glad we're friends."

"Me too. Let's see what the ogre wants."

Hillier looked decidedly uncomfortable when they entered his office. He smiled awkwardly, instantly alerting Tommy to danger. "Ah, my best investigative team. Please, take a seat."

Barbara looked at Tommy. She was as wary as he was about Hillier's mood. "Thank you, Sir," she said as they sat.

"Look, I'll come straight to the point. I've never asked this question before because frankly, it was better for me not to know. Now a case has come up that is extremely delicate. I never thought I would say this, but I am hoping your answer is yes. Either way, I assure you that, given the nature of the case, I won't say anything further, and I won't split you up when you return."

Tommy and Barbara exchanged worried glances. "What's the question?" Lynley demanded.

"Are you in a sexual relationship?"

Barbara's face went white, then red. "What?"

"Are you in a sexual relationship with each other?"

Tommy interceded before Barbara had the chance to leap the desk and murder Hillier. "No! We are not. Barbara and I are close friends, but I have never done or even suggested, anything like that. I respect her too much."

"You respect me too much?"

"Yes." This was not a topic he wanted to discuss here, especially in front of Hillier.

The Assistance Commissioner sighed. "I see. That's a pity. It makes what I am about to ask so much more... indelicate."

"Just spit it out," Barbara snapped then added a snarly, "Sir."

She was not looking at Hillier but Tommy. He shrugged. He had no idea what was coming, and he was totally mystified why saying he respected her had upset Barbara so much. What was he supposed to say? I'm in love with you but utterly terrified that you will laugh at me? Or, I am lousy with relationships and don't dare risk the only one that works by complicating it with sex? Both would be true, but neither would be acceptable to Barbara. Tommy groaned, earning him another reproachful look from Barbara and Hillier. He was becoming angry. "Yes, just tell us what you want, Sir."

"Very well. We have a case in the Lakes District involving a child paedophile ring. Three children have turned up dead. We have arrested one suspect and have seized video footage. They film at a woodland camp. We believe some, but obviously not all, of the users are involved. All the local police investigations have drawn a blank. We wanted you two to pose as a married couple and spend the weekend there to infiltrate and see what you can learn."

Barbara tutted. "Is that all? We've done that before. We can manage a weekend."

Hillier smiled, and it reminded Tommy of the devil. "I'm afraid it's a bit more complex. It's a naturist camp."

Barbara frowned. "So we'd be camping? No electricity or running water?"

Tommy groaned loudly. "Barbara, he means it's a nudist colony."

"They have very nice accommodation in private huts I believe." Hillier tried to smile, but one glance at Barbara and he looked down.

"No! I am not getting my kit off in front of... anybody."

"On this one, I have to agree with Barbara, Sir. Can't some other officers do it?"

"Who else is going to be as convincing as man and wife as you two? Even in here you argue like an old married couple. We thought that you would be able to cope with it. After all, you did share a caravan for a week."

"We were fully clothed," Barbara hissed, "the DI can do it with another female officer. I'll do all the background work here."

"Why me?" Tommy asked.

"You're used to taking your gear off in front of women."

"Not lately thank you, Havers. I've had two lovers in ten years, and none in the last two, as you well know."

"How would I know that?"

"Because I spend most of my life with you! If it's so easy, why can't you do it with another male officer?"

"Me? No!"

Hillier raised his hand. "I can't ask other officers. I thought with you two, that maybe... Well, to be honest, everyone figured you were in a relationship and had been for some time."

"Well, we're not!" Barbara retorted far more disrespectfully than Tommy liked. That typically meant trouble, for both of them.

"Anyway, will you at least consider it? I wouldn't ask if we weren't desperate to save those children. These people sexual exploit them. Rape them in fact. Then they smother them and leave them by the side of the road in garbage bags. We want the killers caught."

"That's emotional blackmail," Tommy said, disgusted that Hillier would try to push all of Barbara's buttons. Everyone knew she was fiercely protective of children.

Hillier shrugged. "Will you at least discuss it? You also have to be convincing, so if you really have never kissed then maybe you should try that and see it is not unnatural. You want to be rid of any awkwardness before you go there. If you decide to go."

"There has to be another way," Tommy insisted.

"If you can think of a way, we are open to that too. Call me when you have a decision." Hillier left them in his office.

Barbara looked at Tommy. On top of her other concerns about life, she now had this to contend with. "I'm sorry, Barbara. He put us in an invidious position."

"I don't want to let more children die, but..."

"I understand," Tommy replied, unsure where she was leading.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes before she spoke. "It's just skin. We could perhaps agree to look above the waist. And only be naked outside the cabin."

"Are you saying you want to do this?"

"I don't want to, no. But I do want to try and save lives. A few hours of my discomfit hardly counts against that does it?"

"Are you sure?"

"No, of course I'm not sure, Sir. And how do you feel? You're more used to being naked in front of people."

Tommy did not enjoy her implication. "Am I? I didn't realise I wandered around London nude."

"No, but..." She took a deep breath. "I've only ever seen one live naked man. And that was when I was intoxicated. Bodies on mortuary slabs don't count."

Tommy regretted his annoyance. She was right. It would be much easier for him than for her. "Barbara, I'm sorry. Don't let this... situation come between us. I don't know how I feel. I don't like the idea of parading around naked in front of a group of strangers, but like you, I don't want to have more children murdered because we were too afraid to see each other naked."

"Afraid to see each other? What about all the other people? And how do I explain..."

"Explain what?"

"Do you think skin heals without scars after someone shoots you with a shotgun? I'm not attractive."

All of Tommy's fears about his desires for his partner vanished, replaced by his concern for her. He put his arm around her shoulder. "We all have scars, some we see and others we don't. Those scars are as much mine as yours. When I thought that day that I'd lost you..." He paused then took a deep breath. "I worship every one of those scars because they mean you're still here. With me. We can do this, Barbara. I couldn't take this case without you."

Barbara looked up at him and smiled. He was surprised when she put her hand over his heart and nestled her face against his chest. Knowing that she remembered the other time she had been afraid, Tommy brought his other arm up and enveloped her in a hug. He kissed her hair then lay his cheek lightly on her head. They did not need words. They just needed to know the other was, as always, there.

"We should tell Hillier. Do you want to practice kissing? I have to warn you now; I am really bad at it."

"I'm sure that's not true. Not here. Not in Hillier's office." Tommy wanted Barbara to have positive memories of the first time he kissed her. This was not right. "And I doubt anyone will expect us to kiss passionately in front of others. I think he was just trying to get some pleasure from imagining us in here kissing."

"The bloody creep!"

Tommy laughed and hugged her tighter. "That's my Havers! But you'll have to call me Tommy now. Sir will give the game away."

"You could go with an alias. Algernon perhaps?"

"And you could be Agatha."

"Okay, Tommy. You win."

The next few hours was lost in briefings. They were tasked with identifying locations from the videos and schooled by psychologists in how to appear receptive to the group as potential paedophiles.

"Surely Tommy would be the paedophile," Barbara said.

The DI from the Cumbria Constabulary in charge of the case was quick to correct her. "No, the market for these boys seems to be couples. It happens more than you realise."

Barbara shivered. "But this weekend we are just establishing trust. They won't have children there will they?"

"Unlikely. Most of the naturists are not involved. The camp is mainly used at weekends, and we believe the killers use it during some weeks for their activities. We do know that they are involved in the naturist group, though, as it gives them access to the facilities."

Barbara shuddered. "This whole case makes me feel ill."

"Us too. That's why we are so glad you both agreed to help."