MERRY CHRISTMAS! (Even if this isn't Christmas themed...)

If a stranger was to look around the Avengers' Common Room, they might seen a bunch of dumb heroes and a scattering of genii.

There's Stark, obviously -if the man blew his own intellectual trumpet any louder, we'd all be deafened. He's incredibly smart, there's no doubt about it, with his scientifically impossible arc reactor, his scientifically impossible Iron Man suits and his scientifically impossible razor sharp wit (the last one is a joke. He's not half as cutting as he'd like to think). Graduated MIT at 15, has three degrees, certified genius-level IQ, currently designing yet another Iron Man suit on his self-invented Stark phone in the corner…we all get it, he's really fucking smart. So, that's our first genius.

The second is Dr. Banner. While he doesn't know 'jack shit' about mechanics (Stark's own words), his quiet determination and love of learning have led him not only to become the world's foremost expert in radiation, but also a front running biochemist and a self-taught doctor. While simply becoming a doctor in the traditional sense is difficult enough, becoming a doctor in the middle of rural India with no training is a whole new level of impressive. He's currently sat with Dr. Foster, their heads bent together over the stacks of scribbled notes spread all over the coffee table and the floor around them. The two of them specialise in two different spheres of science, so I shudder to think about what they're working on.

Dr Foster is our third and final obvious genius. Not that she looks it, pretty and ditzy as she is, but underneath her disarming exterior is an implacable desire to work out the secrets of the universe. She's worked hard for her position as a leading astrophysicist, dragging herself first through a mediocre school into a top university, and then through a prejudiced university into an even more prejudiced field of science. But she'd made it, with fearsome intelligence, sheer grit, and -in meeting an actual Norse god- a big dose of luck. That's not to say she didn't worked out the Einstein-Rosen Bridge theory all on her own -anyone who says otherwise deserves a head on meeting with one of my arrows- but Thor's appearance simply helped her to prove it.

So that's it, a stranger might think. Those three are the only genii in the Avengers and co. (trademark pending). If we want a problem solving without the solution being to smash it into pieces or blow it up, we go to those three.

Except, that's not the truth.

Not even close.

I've seen the files, and they've told me a lot. But watching people, that's told me more. I see best from afar, and I learn best from my own observation. And since I helped to accidentally found the Avengers two years ago, I've had a lot of time to observe my teammates (far more time than I've actually wanted to spend with them, I'll tell you that much straight off the bat). So I'm talking from personal experience here, and crossing my fingers that none of the guys ever find this (and if they do, that they don't kill me. Or show anyone else that'll kill me. Please).

I think I'll go in order of when I met people, from the most recent to the earliest. That way, no one can convict me of favouritism. Hopefully. (Seriously guys, please don't kill me).

I finally met Wasp three weeks ago, and boy is that woman razor sharp. Not only did she swiftly go about kicking everyone's ass in sparring ten seconds after she was introduced (which was hilarious -can you imagine Thor flailing around, trying to swat a fly-sized woman with Mjölnir?) but she also took the time out to explain how her suit works afterwards, minus the key elements that would allow Stark to replicate Pym Particles, much to his vocal displeasure. She grinned at him, then, and asked him if he would like her to demonstrate her particles on his dick, 'not that it can get much smaller'. And while that line alone enshrined Wasp in Avengers' legend, I hear from reliable sources (*cough* Scott *cough*) that the science behind Pym Particles is mind blowing, so Wasp understanding it is impressive all on its own.

I guess since I've mentioned Wasp, I might as well mention her sidekick (you knew that was coming Scott). Now Antman...okay, he doesn't strike you as smart (because he's not). But he has a genuine talent for reading a stress-filled situation and delivering the perfect one-liner, dreadful pun or humorous insult to diffuse the situation. And his light-fingeredness, oh man. I thought I was a damn good pickpocket and so did Pietro, but Scott puts both of us to shame. He can steal anything: Steve's shield, Thor's poptarts, Fury's eyepatch. Sure, the last one nearly got him killed, but he managed it, and that's what counts. So, in summary: Antman, tension diffuser, master thief, genius (in his own special way). (Love you too, man).

Vision has access to all the planet's online information. 'Nuff said. (Even if he doesn't understand all of it. Like curly fries. Or Donald Trump). (I still don't understand that last one, and I've been on this goddamn planet for 27 years).

Pietro and Wanda didn't get much of an education, what with growing up in a warzone as a pair of orphans, getting taken by HYDRA, declaring war on the Avengers etc. etc., but boy are they making up for it now. Between Pietro's superspeed reading skills and Wanda's ability to pick the information straight out of his brain, the two of them are a mental force to be reckoned with. When Jane was stuck on some equation with her rainbow bridge thingy (that apparently you can't drive karts on...we'll see), the two of them worked together to become high level astrophysicists in under a day, so Jane had someone to talk at that understood 50% of what she was saying. She solved the problem with their help, and the twins were smug for a week (read: Pietro was smug enough for both of them for a week). They're attending Xavier's academy now, and after they've had a proper education, I'd bet a week's wages on the pair of them giving Stark a run for his money.

Darcy's adorable, but don't let that fool you. She can hit anything with that overpowered taser of hers, not to mention seduce anything that breathes. But her real skill lies in manipulating people (and she makes great use of the aforementioned two skills in doing so). Between her, Pepper and Hill...yeah, they have us all whipped. So very whipped. As Darcy would tell you, she does actually have more powers than Superman, which include but are not limited to: making the best goddam coffee you've ever had, knocking out gods, kicking supersoldier ass at Mario Kart, learning swear words in every language that Nat speaks...but her real genius lies in the fact that she can somehow relate to everyone in every situation. (Even Fury. Even Loki. And that last one knocked us all for six).

Speaking of terrifying civilian women: Pepper. Nevermind the fact that she's the CEO of America's second biggest and now fastest growing company, she can get Stark out of his lab. And make him eat normal food. And drink liquids other than coffee and alcohol. The woman is a goddess, there's no other explanation. (That, or she's just smarter than Stark, which I consider to be a real possibility. Imagine that. I'm not sure his ego could handle it).

Rhodey is an easy one. As well as well as ascending pretty damn quickly to a high ranking office in the Air Force, he studied right alongside Stark at MIT for an aerospace engineering degree. He's also smart enough to hold (even if he'll never win) a debate about the pros and cons of military power and intervention, their position in the modern age, how their efficiency can be improved etc etc. with Hill. (Feel the sexual tension. Feel it). (Please don't kill me Commander. I'm only joking. Honest).

Falcon. Aerodynamics. Basic mechanics. The intelligence not to challenge Thor and Steve to a drinking contest (not our best idea, guys). Military knowledge out the wazoo. But mainly the aerodynamics -Sam and I once had a four hour long conversation about airborne trajectories on a quinjet journey. The others didn't enjoy it, but I sure did. That guy is smart as fuck.

Steve and his battle tactics. Oh man, do not get Rogers started on battle tactics. I'm interested in battle tactics. Thor loves battle tactics (though only when those 'tactics' involve running straight into the fray and whacking the shit out of anything that moves). But Rogers...the guy is obsessed. As well as being the world's oldest (couldn't resist) encyclopaedia of battle tactics, he also has various and unbelievably random weapons knowledge (stapler incident, anyone?), extremely patriotic speech giving prowess and the mathematical skills to throw his star-spangled frisbee around and always be in the right place to catch it. We tried to repeat the four hour long conversation on a quinjet, only this time about trick shot trajectories, but Hill shot us down. Literally shot us down. But that's yet another story for another time.

Now Thor, Thor gets underestimated a hell of a lot. Loki's the smart one, you might think. Thor is just a big strong oaf with a hammer. All he does is hit stuff. And that's true, to an extent; Thor really does love to hit stuff. And maybe he doesn't know how Asgardian technology works, but would you know how to build a toaster? Well, would you? Exactly. So lay off the big guy a bit. Besides, never underestimate the intelligence that people hide on purpose. I won't give away Thor's secrets, but trust me, that hard head is guarding a lot of brainpower.

It might surprise you that I'm mentioning Nat now, with three other people still to go. Because we're Strike Team Delta, Black Widow and Hawkeye, the legendary S.H.I.E.L.D team taking down the supervillains long before the Avengers ever made it onto the scene. But there were people I met before I'd ever heard of the Russian femme fatale, people so central to the founding of the Avengers that I wouldn't dare to miss them out. So yeah, quick rundown on why Tasha is a genius. 24 fluent languages. Over 10,000 ways to kill a man. Master manipulator. Seductress supreme. Crack shot with any gun or knife. I could go on, but I won't. People might accuse me of favouritism.

I think we all know why Fury is one of the smartest motherfuckers around. He can out sass anyone, from planet Earth or not -arguing pointlessly back and forth with the Council of Morons tends to make a man develop those kinds of skills. He knows exactly when to bring out his legendary temper for maximum effect, when to hire and when to fire, when to punish following orders and when to reward insubordination. He's a genius in his field, a man you can't imagine anywhere but at the head of the world's greatest spying organisation.

And then there's Hill, his second in command. Find me someone, anyone on the planet -she can beat them in verbal sparring, I guarantee it. With eyes nearly as sharp as mine, a brain for tactics that works at a hundred miles an hour and an ironclad belief in the rule of law, Hill is the unbending spine of S.H.I.E.L.D. She's a nervous system, thrumming with information from every branch of the agency. The Sultana of Secrets, Lady of Lies. The Duchess of Death. Try to fool her, I dare you. You won't survive the experience.

And last but by no means least, there's Coulson. The man that brought the Avengers together with his death, only to bounce straight back to life. He's a genius, but there are no words to describe what he does or how he does it. He talked me into trying out being a S.H.I.E.L.D agent, talked Nat into joining as my partner. Convinced Rogers, his childhood hero, to trust in S.H.I.E.L.D by trusting in both Peggy Carter and Phil himself, cajoled Stark into saving his own life when all hope seemed lost. Got Thor to 'put the hammer down' without seriously injuring anyone, sweetly asked Darcy not to taser him or let Jane open a wormhole on his head. Befriended Pepper, proved his loyalty to Fury, proved Americans can be decent humans to Wanda and Pietro. Turned Sam and Rhodey into fast friends instead of jockeying teammates, tricked Scott into finally proposing to Hope. The man is a genius, the genius. Love him or hate him (and nobody hates him), Coulson is the biggest genius of us all.

So there you have it. We Avengers are all smart in our own ways, whether we have IQs of a million and four or not. Whether we fight on the field as Avengers or not. We're all Avengers, we're all genii.

What about me, you ask?

Imagine me smiling secretively at you. Because buddy, that's the only answer you're gonna get.

Barton out.