Friday, April 27, 2012
I knew it was a bad idea to keep my appointment today with Dr. Greene when Christian couldn't make it. He has dutifully attended each one at my side, has come prepared with questions and ensures the baby is growing on schedule and that I am growing on schedule. I really think he believes he can exert control over Little Blip in utero. But today, of all days, he could not attend. I think of the envelope in my bag and the contents it holds. This conversation would be so much easier with Dr. Greene in the same room.
Because I know he is worrying, I call his blackberry while waiting at the entrance of the clinic for Sawyer to arrive in the Audi SUV. Since I started showing in December Christian has not allowed me to drive and now Blip and I are only allowed to travel via Audi SUV. I do miss my R8, but I doubt I would be comfortable driving it, especially today. Christian quickly answers as if he's been expecting my call.
"Anastasia, how did everything go?"
"Everything is fine. Blip is perfect." Knowing he will want the usual checklist I continue.
"The heartbeat is 157. I gained 6 pounds since last month. My blood pressure is great. Urine test was unremarkable and I am not dilated yet, which Dr. Greene said is normal for a first pregnancy at 37 weeks." I rattle off as much as I can in one breath.
"Good to hear." He sighs is audible relief. "I am sorry I couldn't make it this time. I just couldn't miss this meeting and I didn't want you to miss your appointment. I am glad you called. I couldn't stop worrying about you both."
"I figured as much." I cannot help but roll my eyes. Some things never change.
"I can always tell when you are rolling your eyes at me, Mrs. Grey." Christian warns playfully.
Again, I think of the envelope in my purse. I could bring it up now – maybe prepare him for the conversation? No. Mia and Kate will be over tonight to finalize the baby shower plans for next weekend. It will be worse to have him anxious and brooding for hours then it will be to surprise him.
"I am heading back to the office now to finish things up and pack up the work I want to bring home. Also, don't forget Mia and Kate will be over at 6 tonight so you are on your own for dinner, Mr. Grey."
"I will find a way to make due. And make sure Sawyer carries any files or boxes from your office that you are bringing home. I don't want you unnecessarily exerting yourself." Christian quickly returns to über bossy mode.
"Unnecessarily exert myself? I wonder how I can necessarily exert myself." I hear Christian's sharp intake of breath and Sawyer chooses that moment to pull up at the curb then quickly gets out and scuttles over to where I am standing to open the door for me.
"I can think of a few ways." Christian finally responds impiously.
The last few months he has been very careful with me since my belly has swollen so much but my hormones have been going crazy and despite his best efforts, he has trouble saying no to me in my current state. It's been nice for a change. Admittedly, both of us have had a lot of fun exploring pregnant kinky fuckery. I like knowing this is something he has never experienced with anyone else before and it's hot.
"I can't wait." I reply quietly and breathlessly. My inner goddess rubs her hands together like a mad scientist concocting an evil plan. Now we got him right where we want him.
"Laters, baby." His voice is filled with promise. We both hang up and Sawyer reaches out to help me and my big belly into the SUV. Now that makes a woman feel sexy.
"Ana, the nursery is beautiful." Kate gushes while standing in the center of the room. The room is covered in cream, butter yellow and blue hues and decorated in the style of The Little Prince, which of course Theodore Raymond Grey will be. We haven't shared his name with anyone yet. Christian and I finally decided on it just a few weeks ago. It's in honor of Christian's grandfather and Grace's father, Theo, and my stepfather, Ray. We plan on calling him Teddy. I reflexively caress my bump while thinking of him. Mia is actually the one that came up with the nursery theme after we told everyone it was a boy. She already speaks French to him through my stomach. He's not even born yet and so loved by so many people.
"The decorator just finished with it on Wednesday. Christian and I love it." I reply. My favorite part is the mural opposite the crib. It's like the cover of The Little Prince book, with the Prince on his asteroid, but with a few added personal touches. In the starry sky scene there is a small Charlie Tango and a glider. Suddenly Mia pops hear head around the door, "The tasting table is ready, ladies!"
Mia has prepared various amuse-bouche dishes for me to choose from for the baby shower next weekend. Ever since the events last September, she has been very attentive to me and now Blip. I feel like this is her way of making up for what happened, even though it wasn't her fault and I never expected or wanted her to. Like with Christian, sometimes it's just easier to let her do what she wants and it is so incredibly sweet of her. Also, I secretly love that she is the only other person, besides me sometimes, that can be bossy to Christian. I couldn't suppress my smile when she announced to Christian what she was planning for the baby shower and that he wasn't invited. I think he took it well, considering he wasn't singled out, rather it was all men who were not invited.
The aromas wafting from the kitchen are wonderful. It wasn't so long ago I couldn't tolerate so many smells. Mia has truly out done herself with the colorful spread laid out before us. There is an array of little white porcelain spoons, ramekins, square bowls and saucers along with clear shot glasses and parfait dishes with miniature silver spoons inside. Mia carefully explains each dish before the three of us taste them. All of it is amazing. The vegetarian spring rolls are divine. The roasted chicken and avocado with lime mini sliders are scrumptious, but my absolute favorite dish is the triple chocolate mousse. My appetite has never been so gluttonous and with all this good food to eat, I love being pregnant.
After stuffing our faces, Mia, Kate and I go out onto the deck to enjoy a strawberry daiquiri, mine a virgin daiquiri of course. The sun is setting but still warm and the view, well, the view is always beautiful.
"How are you feeling?" Kate questions then takes a sip from the long straw in her drink.
"I feel great." I shift slightly. "It's becoming more uncomfortable to sleep at night and I do get tired easier, but other than that – "
"Are you nervous? You know, for labor and all that stuff?" Mia interrupts and the expression on her face sympathetic.
"A little, just because I don't know whats going to happen. I mean, I know there will be pain, but I don't know what I am in for exactly." Not such a different feeling from when you first verbally agreed to be Christian's submissive my subconscious butts in unexpectedly. Oh!
"I am also excited of course, to finally get to meet the baby." I reply as any expectant mother that has been asked the same question fifty times already…Fifty.
"How do you think Christian will handle it? You know, with the labor, the delivery and all that unpredictability?" Kate tartly muses with an artfully arched eyebrow. Even after all this time, she and Christian still have issues. Perhaps it's because they are both controlling and demanding, but I can't help but think she still doesn't completely trust him. I thought after she and Elliot got married in January – she moved it up from May just because of my pregnancy – things would get better. I should really ask her and Christian about that.
"I am not worried about Christian." I lie to try to get off this subject. And in a way it is true. He has been nothing but attentive during my pregnancy, other than those first few days after the shock of finding out I was pregnant. He has been involved with taking care of me when I didn't feel well, preparing the nursery, buying the furniture and making sure everything had the highest safety rating. He attended La Maze classes with me and his most recent task was working with Taylor to create a back-up plan in the event I went into labor when he wasn't close enough to get me to the hospital himself. Quite frankly, I am in no mood to defend Christian because he doesn't need it. He has been great.
"I am only teasing. I know he will be a wonderful father." Kate registers the annoyance on my face and reaches over to lovingly rub my tummy. I smile in return.
"Maybe I am just getting tired." This is true. Maybe my annoyance is the fact that I now remember the discussion that needs to take place tonight with him. Kate just brought me back to reality.
"Well, Ethan and I have officially started a family baby pool!" Mia excitedly shares. The three of us giggle.
"Really? Who has which dates?" I ask through my laughter.
"Well, I still need Kate's pick." Mia replies.
"Oh…okay." Kate ponders. "The due date is May 16 and I say you go overdue –"
"Hey! Don't wish me to be late!" I tease.
"Sorry, but I pick May 22." She shrugs apologetically.
"Okay, that'll be $20!" Mia grabs an envelope from her purse with "Grey Baby Pool" written on it. Kate pulls out a $20 dollar bill from her purse and hands it across the table. I take a refreshing sip from my virgin daiquiri and shake my head in disbelief that my best friend and now sister-in-law is betting on my prolonged discomfort.
"So, that just leaves you and Christian." Mia looks at me expectantly.
"Leaves me for what?" Christian interrupts as he strides out onto the deck. He holds up his hands as if surrendering to a captor.
"I know this is a girl's only event, but I heard all the giggling and had to come and see what was going on…and to kiss my wife and son." He bends down to kiss my forehead then bends down a little further to kiss the top of my stomach.
"Hi baby and baby." He smiles his full blown, heart-stopping, breathtaking smile. Oh my. Then he looks over at the drink in front of me and looks back to me. I shake my head to answer his unasked question. Mia stands up out of her chair to give Christian a hug and then she shows him the envelope.
"Grey Baby Pool, eh?" He reads the title on the envelope then smirks and turns the envelope over to see Mia's scribbling of the already guessed dates. He looks down at Kate then over to me.
"Based on what the doctor said today, I would have to say Kate has the best chances right now."
"What!" I say incredulously and lean forward in my chair. Mia giggles and Kate nods her head knowingly.
"Sorry, baby, but you aren't dilated yet and the baby hasn't dropped." He reaches down to rub Teddy affectionately. Then he takes out his wallet, fishes out a $20 bill and hands it to Mia.
"Give me $20 on May 21." Oh, not him too! Mia and Kate laugh. Christian looks down at me and winks. I pout.
"Well ladies, please pardon the intrusion. I shall take my leave now. I have a fine dinner waiting for me at The Taylors." He bends down to kiss me again and leaves. I glare up at Mia then over to Kate, but I can't stay mad. We all start laughing with our daiquiris in our hands.
I only had to bring one box home from the office. To her credit, Hannah put as much as she could into digital format for me. I will miss going into the office every day, but Christian was more than insistent that once I got close to having Blip that I would start working from home so he knew where I was and then a plan would be in place so when it was time for Blip to come, everyone knows what is supposed to happen. He is my very own personal megalomaniac control freak. I finish putting the items from the box onto my desk and into my desk drawers. I have procrastinated as much as I can. I can't put this off anymore. First, I am going to take a shower to help me collect my thoughts and then it's time to face the music.
I take my time in the shower, letting the hot water cascade over me. I cannot believe how much my body has changed and not just my stomach, although that is the biggest change. My breasts are so much fuller, my belly button pokes out, my skin is so sensitive, my ankles are a little swollen, my hair and nails grow so much faster and my bladder needs constant emptying. The sex has been the best surprise in all of this. If Christian ever had a doubt that we should have another baby, I know he would reconsider it just so we can enjoy knocked up sex again. Then I am reminded of our earlier conversation and his sensual promise. Oh! Don't forget about the envelope, my subconscious hastily reminds me. My inner goddess quickly flips her off for interrupting my dirty reverie.
I pull my hair back to a ponytail and wrap it over my shoulder. I am dressed in my midnight blue satin nightgown with matching robe. I steel myself in the mirror and give myself a pep talk. I need to keep this businesslike. Appeal to Christian's pragmatic side. Stand my ground on my beliefs and let him know why I want this. I take the Swedish Health Services envelope from the dresser and make my way down to Christian's office. The carpet is lush on my bare swollen feet and I feel the panic rising in me. Let's do this, Ana.
I turn the corner to enter his office and Christian is typing away at his computer. Even after almost a year together, the sight of him still makes me catch my breath. His copper hair disheveled from an exasperating day, no doubt. The top two buttons are undone on his white linen shirt with a smattering of his chest hair peeking out. My favorite silver-gray tie is lying on his desk with the bottom edge of the tie just barely hanging over the edge. He looks up for a brief second and watches me enter, and then his eyes return to his screen. I stop just a few feet inside the door. He quickly finishes typing, shuts the cover of his Mac and looks up at me with shimmering gray eyes and a crooked smile. I start moving towards him again and he turns in his chair and lifts his arms out in front of him in anticipation but instead I move to sit in the chair facing his desk. I have a little trouble letting myself down into the chair but manage. He blinks in confusion and turns slowly in his chair to face me. He looks at me warily then he spots the envelope resting in my lap. Here we go…
"During my appointment with Dr. Greene today she advised that you and I have a serious discussion regarding these papers. Please understand there is nothing wrong with me or Teddy. This is just to be prepared. Okay?" Without taking my eyes from his, I take the envelope from my lap and place it on the end of his desk. Then with my fingertips I slide the envelope towards him as far as my belly will let me. His eyes darken as he narrows them infinitesimally at me then he looks down to the envelope. His long arm reaches over the desk and he easily grabs it with his long fingers. He opens the flap and slides the papers from the envelope onto the desk. He gently unfolds the paper and presses down on the creases so the papers stay open. He quickly scans the first page titled "Your Life, Your Decisions: Advance Directives." His eyes fly up to mine and my heart is about to fly through my chest. I can tell he is fighting to keep his anger at bay. I know he is only trying so hard because of my condition. Wordlessly, he goes back to the stack of papers and flips to the next page, then the next page and so on. He scans some of the pages and carefully stops to read others. I can tell when he finally reaches the page titled: "Health-Care Directive (Living Will)." He looks up at me and suddenly it feels like all the air has left the room.
"Anastasia, I don't understand why you need this." His says finally, almost dismissively, but his eyes are flint. He is still fighting for control.
"As your husband, I will always ensure that you receive the care you need. I won't let anything happen to you. After everything this past year, how could you doubt I would protect you? You don't trust me?" Christian is hurt. No. No. No! This isn't how I imagined he would take this.
"Christian, I know you will protect me and Teddy. I have never doubted that and I do trust you. What this document is for is to make sure my wishes are paramount, if something should happen to me." I stop to take a breath. I don't want to fumble through this. He needs to understand my side. I can't back down now. I inch closer in my chair and unveil my penetrating gaze.
"Please listen to me. Dr. Greene brought this whole thing up because of the very limited, remote possibility that a decision will need to be made and I may not be available to make that decision. In order to alleviate the pressure of having to make a difficult split second decision during an emotional time, she suggested I complete this form and discuss my decisions with you. That way the decisions are already made and everyone will know and understand what is supposed to happen. That's all this is." I try to make it sound as normal as possible when in fact I know it's anything but normal. Christian doesn't look convinced. He inches closer on his side of the desk and puts my penetrating gaze to shame. Crap!
"Ana, I have made my living at making difficult split second decisions and we both know you do not always make the best choices when it comes to your personal safety. Either there is something you aren't telling me or so help me." His voice is deceptively soft and he is losing his grip.
"I promise you there is nothing wrong with me or Teddy. We are both fine." I keep my voice steady.
"Then why with this?" He roars suddenly and absently throws the papers around his desk.
"Christian, you can be irrational when it comes to me. You know this, although it doesn't seem to matter to you how I feel about it. If something were to happen to me I want to be the one to make the decision about the medical treatment I receive." My voice is still steady but is definitely louder.
"What kind of medical treatment?" Christian demands. I just need to get this out before he brings the house down. I also need to make sure he is never around any gamma rays. Jesus!
"If I am in a condition without the possibility or hope of recovery then I do not want to be kept alive by artificial means." I get it out and with it all of Christian's anger dissipates.
"What?" He gasps.
"If the doctors say that there is no chance for me to recover from whatever condition I may be in then I do not want to be kept alive with machines, or feeding tubes or anything else. And – "
"And?" Christian interrupts with disbelief. He is shaking his head and I really think he is too shocked to articulate a reply.
"I want to donate my organs." I finish. He just keeps staring at me.
"And, if God forbid something was to happen and a choice has to be made between my life and the life of our son, I choose our son." The silence hangs between us. His eyes are saucers and I see him shake his head fractionally. I look down at my swollen belly then gently caress it. It's painful to imagine anything happening, let alone actually verbalizing something so terrible. I look up again and Christian is no longer looking at me. He is turned to the side in his chair with his elbows resting on his thighs and his hands in his hair. This is double exasperation. After a few moments there is still nothing. Oh God! It's like the time he thought I was going to leave and he went submissive on me and I thought I broke him. I want to get up and go to him, but I am afraid to kick the hornet's nest. Suddenly Christian stands and looks down at me. His eyes are glimmering with unshed tears and still wide with fear. He opens his mouth to say something then closes it. He briefly turns away from me and runs both hands through his copper hair again. Finally he turns back towards me and is next to me in an instant. He puts both hands on the arms of my chair and adjusts me slightly so I am angled to his desk. Then he gets down on one knee and takes my hands in his; his burn burn into mine.
"Ana, I am sorry, but I cannot – cannot – promise this to you." Christian's voice is raspy with desperation.
"This is what I am trying to tell you, Christian. This is what I want." I feebly reply. I don't want to hurt him.
"I could not let you go. I don't care what any doctor says. Medical technology is always improving and whatever condition you have, I will dedicate every moment of my life and every resource at my disposal to make you better and to bring you back to me."
"I don't want to be a vegetable in a bed, in some hospital room. That is not a life."
"I would bring you home. I would build the most beautiful room for you facing The Sound. I would play the most beautiful music for you. I would read your favorite books to you. I would bath you in the most luxurious soaps and dress you in the richest fabrics. You would never be a vegetable. I would make sure you had the best care."
"It wouldn't be me. It would just be my body."
"But, I could still touch you…see you." He takes his hands off mine and takes my face in his hands. He looks at me as if this is the last memory he can make of my face.
"But I couldn't touch you or see you." I softly counter and my eyes are swimming with tears. He drops his hands from my face and my lost boy is back. His eyes are opaque and his face ashen. This imaginary pain he feels from my hypothesized death or near death has seized him. Is this all unresolved grief from actually seeing his dead birth mother? Is this grief from not being able to keep her from dying? My Fifty. My sweet, dear, beloved Fifty. I take my hands and pull his head onto my belly. His arms wrap around my waist. I softly caress his hair and his face and let him weep while I let the tears roll down my face. We sit like this for five, perhaps ten minutes. Eventually Christian looks up at me.
"You know, if you were comatose, you wouldn't know what I was doing with you." Christian finally says smugly. I can't help but smile. This is the whole reason for the advance directive.
"This is my way of stopping you from doing that." I gently caress his face again. It's moist from his tears and the rims of his gray eyes are pink.
"I hope and pray we never have to deal with these decisions but death is inevitable for us; even megalomaniac, control freaks and their wives. I could've just done this, without talking to you first, but I wanted you to know and understand why I want this. Please, Christian. Please." I implore him. Then I lean down and kiss the tip of his nose. He turns his face up to kiss my lips.
"Your lips are so soft when you cry." He whispers.
"Yours too." I smile. Christian gracefully rises to his feet. His vulnerability seemingly gone for now and his resolve is back. He pulls me up out of the chair gently by my arm. We are standing as close as we can to each other with Blip in between us. With one hand he lifts my chin so he can look down at me and puts the other hand on my hip.
"I concede to the first two points, but not the third. I agree not to keep you alive by artificial means and I agree to having your organs donated but Ana…" He stops and looks down at Blip.
"I love you and Teddy. I don't want to even think about losing either of you, ever. I already thought I did lose you once and having to choose, well it would be the hardest thing I ever had to do but Ana..." He stops again. He must not be able to bring himself to say it. Then with the most sincere look on his face and in his eyes he locks his eyes on mine and there is no sign of surrender.
"We can make another baby. We can make many more babies. I can never make another Anastasia." He says with finality and with that I know there is nothing else I can say. He has made the most rational argument that I cannot counter. I let it slowly wash over me. Nothing is wrong now. Dr. Greene has assured me that Blip and I are both healthy and there is a slim chance of anything going wrong. I have to remember this. I finally nod at him in understanding.
"We are done talking about this." Christian says matter of factly. He cups my face in his hands and kisses me swiftly then he drops his hands back to his side. I have a thought to mention completing the forms but I think better of it. I trust that he will comply with my wishes, well our wishes. Then I have another thought of telling him to talk to Dr. Flynn about this. I'll wait until tomorrow.
He turns back to his desk and reaches for something. The forms? He reaches over the scattered papers and grabs that tie. Oh my. He turns back to me with a devious smile on his face and wraps one end of the tie around his left wrist and the other end around his right wrist and pulls the tie taut between his hands. My inner goddess swoons like Scarlett O'Hara in a tight petticoat.
"Mrs. Grey, I do believe you have seen enough for now."