Star Wars Retirement Home
In side the walls of the Tatooine Retirement Home, Luke Skywalker rocked back and forth in his rocking chair. His hair was gray, his back slightly hunched. He was eighty-two, and he didn't like being old. Only a couple of cane limps away was Han Solo, riding around in his motorized scooter. Han hadn't aged much different from Luke, but he was as energetic as ever. Maybe it was those little red pills the nurses gave him. Luke had always wondered what they were. Next to Han was, of course, Chewbacca, his 257-year-old wookiee partner. Chewy, beside his unbearable gas, was reasonably normal. He seemed in every way just like he was 200 again. In the center of the room, drooling over a pillow and staring at the television, was good-old Lando Calrissian. After ten years in Emperor Palpatine's hellish prison watching old Barney reruns, his mind was just about gone. He didn't talk much, nor did he do anything besides watch the TV. Basically, the lights were on, but nobody was home.
Speaking of psychos, Palpatine, recently nicknamed Pappy, was also a little nuts. He always sat in the corner, plotting his revenge like a chess player who lost one too many times. That man was definitely one Jedi short of a council. A little to the left was C-3PO and R2-D2, whacking on the vending machine to get the candybar unstuck. Threepio had been instructed by Luke to fetch him a Mauler bar when the candy machine jammed. Now he was slamming his metallic fists on it while Artoo tried to hack into its candy bar matrix. It was going well until he ran into a Snickers error and was caught in a Butterfinger firewall. It was times like these that made Threepio hate the computers of the younger generation. "No memory, no database, no personality matrix. What the hell is this shit good for?" He asked loudly. Artoo's reply was interrupted by Threepio's arm falling off. It hit the ground loudly. He cursed angrily.
"What is their problem?" Han asked Luke.
"Beats me. Threepio's hard drive has become badly damaged over the years. He probably needs to be fixed." Luke replied.
"He probably needs to be shot." Han said.
They looked up at the TV just as an Official Jedi Battle League commercial came on. Captivating images flashed before their eyes, all showing young Jedi and Sith battling for their lives over a bottomless pit.
Luke snorted. "Ammatures," he said.
The commercial showed the dates and times of all the shows and what channel they could watch it on. Lightsaber battling was the new coolest thing to do. After the Reality TV junk finally bit the dust, the galaxy was looking for something new. They set their eyes on lightsaber battling because it was new, original, and most importantly, people died. This was the perfect combination for a super successful show. Luke still couldn't tell if it was fake or not, but he had always thought it suspicious that whenever the show was at the hour mark, one of the guys died no matter who was winning.
After the commercial was over, the regularly scheduled program was back on. It was Do You Tatoo?, the newest show from the Japanimators who did Pokémon. The gist of it was that Tyrandous and Torijuwa were two, young Jedi in training. So they run around and fight Sith playfully. It was definitely a load of crap. A sheer disgrace to Jedi masters everywhere. In fact, it was even more disgraceful then the time Mace Windu got his head stuck in a sewage pipe trying to find his lost saber. Now that was embarrassing.
"Boy I wish we could go see the Council. I miss my buddies." Luke said.
"Yeah, they were pretty cool. Better than this dump, anyway." Han replied.
Then, as if the TV had read their minds, a traveling commercial came on. A woman in a tight, red dress came on and said, "Do you want to get away?"
"Yes." Luke and Han answered.
"To Coruscant, maybe?"
"Yes!"
"Well then, come on over to ToTalRippoff now! Buy seventy-five things and you win a trip to the lovely Coruscant!"
Then it changed to some instant organ drink commercial.
"Hey, maybe we should check out this ToTalRippoff place. It sounds like a good deal to me." Han suggested.
"Yeah, might as well. Nothing to do here."
Luke got up and grabbed his cane while Han drove over to the head nurse. "See ya," he said, "We're going to Coruscant!"
Behind the medication counter, a newbie whispered into the head nurse's ear, "Are you sure we should let them go?"
"Oh, don't worry," Nancy the nurse said, "it's just another one of his outrageous fantasies. His imagination runs wild more than my track-star husband does."
The two nurses laughed heartily while Luke, Han, Chewy, and Threepio walked (and drove) out the door into the street.
Meanwhile, in the corner, Palpatine explained his next move to his only friend, Lobot, and a seventy-year-old stormtrooper named Mike. "Now, we must destroy that Luke Skywalker. He has been a pain in my side since day one. He even got his dad to throw me off a ledge into a bottomless pit. Well, apparently it had a bottom, but that is of no concern. We must destroy him. We must cancel his credit cards, expire his life insurance, decarbonate his fruit beverages, take away his checking account, eliminate his trust fund, delete his website, burn his house, kidnap his wife and daughter, and most importantly, empty out his refrigerator so that no one in his house can eat! Wa ha ha ha ha! Did you get all that?"
"Um, one more time, sonny. I can't hear very well." Mike said in your classic grandpa voice.
"I, I, I, I, I," Lobot said, short-circuiting. Palpatine whacked him over the head twice, then the robot said, "don don don't think tha that we we we should dododo this. It isisis kind of of me me mean."
"Oh, great! A robot with a conscience!"
"I'm ju just sasaying that that we shojoud venice to dem."
"Nevermind, just do what I say."
"Yyyess si si zer." Lobot's head began spinning around in circles.
Palpatine just rolled his eyes.
Luke, Han, Chewy, and Threepio meandered through the convenience store realizing that nothing there was convenient. Han reached up and grabbed a box of cereal. It was called CocoaCrap. Well, he thought, at least they get to the point. He looked down at the price tag. It read: 156 space bucks. Holy shit! What a rip-off! I remember when cereal only cost five space bucks. Of course, that was during a time where people used gas-powered cars to get around. He laughed. Those were the good old days, he thought.
They all regrouped at the checkout line. Luke had gotten a grape (yes, just a single grape), Chewy had gotten a dog chew toy, and Han had gotten a box of CocoaCrap. He said that they "looked tasty" and they "sounded good."
"Let's get out of here. Put that stuff back. We don't have. . ." he looked down at the price tags, "one thousand space bucks! We can't afford this stuff!"
The put the stuff on the counter and left. They decided they should go to the starship garage to steal a ship. But as they were walking, little did they know that Palpatine, Mike, and Lobot were closely following them. And little did Palpatine, Mike, and Lobot know that they were being closely followed by Artoo, who was trying to help out Luke.
"I told you," Han said, "the 5.3 special edition lightsaber is much better than the 7.9!"
"No way," Luke argued, "7.9 has more power and faster ignition! It is much better!"
"No, no, no! The 5.3 is—"
Just then, Chewy farted.
"Chewy!"
Chewy made his usual Wookiee noises and shrugged his shoulders.
"Man, that stinks."
"I do not see the cause for alarm. I am not picking up and gas leaks in the area." Threepio noted.
"Go build yourself a nose and then say that."
Chewy farted again.
"Chewy, stop that!" Luke said, waving his hand in front of his face.
More Wookiee noises.
They walked a little farther and they had reached the garage. All the planes but one where spoken for, giving them no choice at all. They began to climb into the Republic Cruiser when a guard stopped them.
"What do you think you're doing, grandpa?"
"Well," Luke said, "first of all, I'm not your grandpa. And second, if I was, you would have known not to mess with senior citizens."
"And why is that?"
"Once we beat the living shit out of you, you'll have one hell of a report to write." He gave a little "I'm a smart-ass grandpa" laugh.
"Right. . ."
"Let's get 'em!" Han yelled and drove his scooter into the guard's kneecap.
"Ouch!"
Luke whacked him in the head a couple of times with his cane before Chewy punched him in the face. They proceeded loading the cruiser. It was comfy since it nicely held eight. They all got in their own seat and Han got to the controls. They were soon in the air and on their way to Coruscant.
Palpatine watched as the cruiser flew off and he cringed at their misfortune. Only a few seconds ago, Lobot had completely short-circuited and blew up into very small pieces. Now it was only he and Mike. Their search for another plane ended quickly for a perfect condition TIE Fighter just landed nearby. They soon were in the fighter and on their way to wherever Luke and Co. were going.
Most of the trip when flawlessly until Threepio began shorting out. Sparks shot from his body as he rambled on and on meaninglessly for what seemed like forever. His head then began to spin around and around on his shoulders. Then, just like that, he was silent. The sparks stopped and the head stopped and everyone thought it was over when all of a sudden he perked up again. He made a sound like a juke box turning on and began singing "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer too. . ."
"Ah, man, now he's a frickin' radio!" Luke said.
"I'm half crazy all for the love of you. . ."
"Let's just throw him out he window." Han suggested.
"No!" Luke said. "If we do that, we could get sucked out by the vacuum of space!"
"So?"
"So that's a bad thing."
Han thought about that for a while before saying, "Oh."
"But you'll look sweet, upon a seat of a bicycle meant for two." Threepio sang.
And then they had arrived. Coruscant was much more crowded now, and the surface was one big city. When the plopped down on the metal landing pad, the noticed that nothing was moving. Everything was still and quiet. There were no inhabitants on Coruscant.
They combed the area, looking for someone to question this emptiness. They found no one. It was quiet there. Too quiet. They could hardly breath; the atmosphere was so polluted. Everyone gasped for breath as the walked. All except C-3PO, who didn't need the air. They reached a newspaper stand near the landing bay and looked at the last headline. It read:
CORUSCANT AIR GONE TO THE DOGS,
DOGS NOW THE DOMINANT SPECIES
The article mentioned that everyone was leaving to Cloud City, where air was prevalent. It also mentioned that all Trandoshans could stay and name Coruscant their own, being the only race able to handle the poor air.
After reading this, Luke told everyone to head out and get back in the ship. Once in the ship they rocketed out into space again. Palpatine's ship was now right on their tail. They were also in their tale, which is an interesting pun.
Using their warp drive, they all reached Cloud City in no time. They landed their cruiser and got out. The city was lively. People were everywhere. Life was abundant. Everything was happy and cheerful and like something out of Leave it to Beaver or Happy Days.
Then Palpatine walked over to them and punched Luke in the face. Luke staggered back. Palpatine then took a blaster out and said, "I've been waiting a long time for this!"
Luke, having nothing better to say yelled, "Wait! I'm your father!"
"What?!" Palpatine yelled.
"Um, yeah, it worked with my dad."
"You are not my father because I could be your grandfather! Now die so I can retire from being evil!"
"No!" Mike yelled before whacking Palpatine in the back of the head.
The evil emperor fell to the ground, dead.
"I don't want to be evil anymore. I want to be good!" Mike said happily.
Luke looked at Han and said, "Boy, that was a close one. How lucky is that!"
As Threepio sang Lynard Skynard's "Alabama" with a mysterious guitar back up, Mike and Luke became good friends. Meanwhile, Chewy gnawed on a dog bone and Artoo hacked into an ATM machine and everyone was happy.
THE END
Anything and everything in this story I will disown if forced to. Star Wars characters, plots, related dialogue, background info, and other stuff belongs to Lucas Films Ltd. If you find fault in my story, please remember that it is a work of fiction by a 14-year-old kid. I am not Michael Crichton, Stephen King, or Tom Clancy so don't compare me to them. Unlike them, I am not a good writer yet. Thank you.