Aria's POV
I don't say a word as my husband of two years pulls into our driveway. He stops the car abruptly, before climbing out of the vehicle and opening the passenger's door for me. I try to ignore the sympathetic stare Ezra fixes upon me, and the hurt in his blue eyes.
After he helps me out of the car, Ezra walks over to the trunk and pulls out a boxed car seat. Just seeing the object makes me want to cry, and curl into a ball.
"What are you doing with that?" I ask Ezra softly.
"I was going to walk it over to target. We don't need this anymore, and someone else might..." Ezra starts to say.
My husband's words cause something inside of me to snap. He wants to get rid of the car seat just like that? Getting rid of his things would be like admitting that he's really gone, and I'm not ready to do that yet. Heck, I don't think I'll ever be ready to do that.
Against my better judgement, I raise my hand in front of Ezra's left cheek and slap it forcefully. Ezra gasps, as he clutches his swelling cheek in pain. A bright red hand print is already outlined on his face, and I think I hit my husband harder than I meant to.
"What the hell Aria?" Ezra growls furiously.
I don't have it in me to respond. Instead, I walk into the house and slam the door behind me. I turn on the TV, and scroll through the channels. I finally stop when I see that Law and Order Special Victim's Unit is on. From what I can tell, this is the episode where the fifteen year-old girl gets raped, and for some reason it makes me feel better to know that other people are suffering too.
About halfway through the episode, the front door opens. I look up and see Ezra standing in the doorway of our house. I take note of his red eyes and puffy cheeks, and realize that he was probably outside crying.
Without warning, Ezra moves from his spot in the doorway, and approaches me cautiously. He takes a seat next to me on the couch, and fixes his gaze upon the television, where the mother of the victim is crying hysterically.
"That really sucks." Ezra says suddenly.
"Not really." I say as I shake my head in disagreement.
Ezra stares at me with a mixture of shock and disgust on his face. He probably thinks I'm a terrible person.
"Her daughter is still alive. I can't say the same about my son." I say as tear of sadness and anger begin to pour out of my eyes.
"Aria!" Ezra exclaims as he extends his arms for a hug.
But I can't deal with him now. I push Ezra away from me, before storming upstairs and entering bedroom. I lock the door behind me so I won't have to see Ezra, or anyone else for that matter.
Line Break
My hazel eyes flutter open, and I immediately place my hand over stomach. Next I cuddle close to my husband, and wait for him to wrap his muscular arms around me. But something isn't right. The baby bump that once laid over my stomach no longer exists, and Ezra isn't next to me. Slowly, the details of yesterday come flooding back into my brain.
I remember laying in the hospital bed next to Ezra, while my doctor delivered the tragic news. I remember my husband holding me close to him, while I screamed and cried in agony. I remember storming up to my bedroom and locking the door behind me, while Ezra begged for me to let him in. I remember laying in bed and struggling to fall asleep, while I listened to my heart shatter into a million pieces.
I tilt my head when I hear a series of soft knocks coming from the bedroom door. Maybe it's Ezra. I wonder if he's mad at me for making him sleep on the couch. Probably not. It seems like such a trivial issue compared to what we've been through over the past twenty-four hours.
"Are you awake yet sweetheart?" I hear Ezra ask from the other side of the door.
He doesn't sound angry. Maybe exhausted and emotionally drained, but not angry. Nevertheless, I do not respond to my husband. I'm worried that if I open my mouth, I'll start to cry. If I start to cry, there is a good chance that I'll never be able to stop.
"I made you breakfast. Blueberry pancakes with eggs and bacon. I even managed to prevent any fire alarms from going off." Ezra says in a slightly humorous tone.
For a second, I forget that my whole world just fell apart. A soft giggle escapes from my lips, but I quickly cover my mouth with my hands. My baby boy is dead, and now is not the time to laugh at one of Ezra's lame jokes.
"You don't have to eat breakfast downstairs. I can bring it up to you or maybe... Just tell me what you want to do." Ezra tells me moments later.
I don't want to eat. I want to go back to sleep, and pretend like this nightmare never happened.
"Aria, I know how upset you are. I know you probably don't want to talk to me, or anyone else for that matter, but please just open the door so I know that you're okay." Ezra says with desperation in his voice.
I want to tell Ezra that I'm not okay. I feel like a piece of me died with our little boy, and I don't know if I'll ever come back to life. I want to tell Ezra that I need him, and I wish he were here to hold me. I want to tell Ezra that I'm sorry, and that I didn't mean for him to get hurt. I want to tell Ezra that I wish I hadn't broken both of our hearts.
I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. All I can think of is Ezra standing outside, and pressing his ear against the door. He's waiting for me to tell him that I'm okay, and that I'll be downstairs in a few minutes for breakfast.
"Okay, you don't have to say anything yet. I'll be in the living room if you need anything. Don't hesitate to call for me." Ezra says before I hear his footsteps leading him far away from our bedroom.
I want to cry, but no tears come out. Maybe it is possible to cry yourself dry. I close my heavy eye lids, but before I can fall asleep, my stomach begins to growl violently. I don't think I've eaten since I went into labor, and to say I'm starving is an understatement.
I think of Ezra, who is probably sitting across from an empty seat at the table, and staring at the delicious food he made to help me feel better. I could go downstairs for a few minutes, but Ezra and I haven't really spoken since last night. What if sitting near my husband is too painful to handle?
I finally decide to skip breakfast, and go back to sleep. Unfortunately, my body does not seem to agree with my decision. My stomach begins to growl, creating an uncomfortable sensation in my stomach.
Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. I'll have to face Ezra and eventually, so I might as well do it now before I die of starvation. I slowly make my way out of bed, before opening the door and stumbling down the long flight of stares that leads to my living room.
I stand at the foot of the stairs as I watch Ezra, who is sitting on our couch and typing vigorously on his worn out laptop. Knowing my husband, he's probably working on a heart wrenching poem or a short story that describes the pain and agony he's feeling.
"Hi." I say in my softest voice.
Startled, Ezra immediately looks up at me, and his face lights up like a little boy's does on Christmas morning. But the blissful look soon subsides, and a look of uncertainty washes over his face. Maybe this is just as awkward for him as it is for me.
"Good morning sweetheart." Ezra says before rising to great me and kissing my forehead softly, just like does every morning.
"Morning." I mutter as I avoid looking into his piercing blue eyes.
"I'm sure you're starving! Why don't a make you a plate of food, while you lay down on the couch?" Ezra suggests.
That does sound nice. I nod, before laying down on the comfortable couch and letting my petite body sink into it. Ezra grabs the blanket that he was using a minute ago, and places it over me gently.
I close my eyes for a minute, but before I can fall asleep Ezra renters the room with a hot tray of food. I slowly sit up, while Ezra places the tray on the small table in front of the couch.
"Would you like to take these before you start eating?" Ezra asks me softly as he opens his right palm, which holds two white pills.
The doctors have prescribed me with so much medication, that I can't remember which pill does what. Honestly, I don't think any of the pills are doing much, because I still feel like crap after I take them.
I take the pills from Ezra and swallow them as I gulp down a cool sip of water.
"What were those for?" I ask my husband curiously.
"They're suppose to make your breast milk dry up quicker." Ezra says before taking a seat next to me.
I stare down at my swollen breasts, who obviously do not know that they can stop producing milk. They can stop producing milk because I'm not breast-feeding, and I'm not breast-feeding because my baby is dead.
Ezra obviously senses my uneasiness, because he rests a hand over my right shoulder. Ironically, The soft and comforting touch makes me feel even worse. While I was pregnant, Ezra treated me like a delicate little butterfly, who needed to be loved and protected from the outside world. Even though I'm no longer pregnant, he's still treating me like the delicate little butterfly. Usually I'd appreciate his gentle and loving nature, but I can't hep myself from wondering if my husband secretly hates me for losing our first child.
"Hand me my plate." I tell my husband.
The sentence was supposed to sound like a question, but instead it came out like a rude command. Nevertheless, Ezra bends down to grab the plate of food, before placing it in my hands. I frown when realize how far away the plate is from my face. During the late months of my pregnancy, I would use my baby bump as a makeshift table, and I could eat wherever I wanted without having to bend down. I suppose I could eat at the table, but the couch is so much more comfortable...
"I can feed you if you'd like." Ezra says suddenly.
I nod before handing Ezra the plate of food and moving closer to him. Ezra slowly cuts a piece of the blueberry pancake, before holding it up to my mouth. I eagerly take a bite of the delicious pancake, and it isn't but a second later that I'm craving more. Ezra quickly cuts me another piece, and another, and another. I'm eating so fast, that my poor husband is cutting faster than he's ever had to cut in his life. All of the sudden he stops, and I'm worried that I ran out of pancakes. I glance down at the plate, and see two full pancakes in front of me! Why did Ezra stop feeding me? I glance up at my husband, and realize that he's laughing hysterically. What on earth is so funny?
"Honey, there is maple syrup dripping all over your face!" Ezra says through his laughter.
My husband reaches for a napkin, and begins to clean me off. By the time he's finished I'm as red as a tomato, but I'm laughing along with him. All of the sudden, the details of last night come flooding into my brain, and I immediately stop laughing. Ezra's laughter begins to die down, and soon we're just staring at each other awkwardly.
"It's okay for you to laugh." Ezra says as he stares into my hazel eyes.
"Then why do I feel so guilty every time I do?" I ask as my voice cracks in despair.
Ezra doesn't answer my question, and instead he stares at me with a blank expression on his face.
"Ezra?" I ask him softly.
"Just come here my sweet girl." Ezra mutters before opening his arms wide, and pulling me close to him.
I place myself in Ezra's arms, and I lay there for a while. Neither one of us says anything, instead we just enjoy the feeling of being entangled in each other's embrace. After a few minutes, I look up at Ezra and realize that he's crying. Ezra always puts up such a strong front for me, and it's heartbreaking to see the man who I love so much in pain. All of the sudden, I get the strong urge to know exactly how he is feeling. I want to know if he's hurting as much as I am, and if there is anything I can do to help him. Maybe we can help each other.
"Ezra, are you okay?" I ask him softly.
Ezra nods his head slowly, before planting a gentle kiss on my forehead.
"When I came down here earlier, you were on your laptop. Were you writing?" I ask him curiously.
To my surprise, Ezra shakes his head. If he wasn't writing, what was he doing?
"I um, was emailing the local priest. I was hoping he could do a service for our son." Ezra says with a sniffle.
He's already thinking about the funeral? I'm not even ready to accept that the baby is gone, and Ezra is emailing priests behind my back! It's almost as though he doesn't care that our son is dead! How else could you be thinking about the service this early in the grieving process?
"What the hell Ezra?" I scream furiously.
"I know we're not the most religious people in the world, and to be honest I haven't even set foot in a church since our wedding day, but if there is a God I was our son to be with him." Ezra says to me.
"What the hell Ezra?" I repeat before slapping him across the face forcefully.
Ezra moans before clutching his swelling cheek. He glares at me with such an angry expression on his face, that if looks could kill I'd be dead.
"Why do you think it's okay to hit me?" Ezra growls furiously.
"Why do you think it's okay to plan the funeral the day after he died? Has it occurred to you that I'm hurting? It doesn't help that you're going behind my back, and planning a service without even asking for my opinion." I say before I burst into tears.
"Has it occurred to you that he was my son too? You're not the only one who's hurting Aria, and I'm trying to find ways to cope just like you are. The difference is that I'm not sulking around the house, and acting like a selfish bitch!" Ezra screams.
So that's what he thinks? That a complainer and a selfish bitch? I begin to sob even harder if that's humanly possible, and a guilty look immediately washes over Ezra's face.
"Aria I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." Ezra says as he reaches for my hand.
I yank my hand away, and spring to my feet.
"Aria, please don't go." Ezra says as his voice cracks in despair.
"You know what Ezra? Fuck you!" I shout at the top of my lungs.
"Aria..." He starts to say.
"Just stay the hell away from me! I hate you!" I say before sprinting upstairs and locking myself in my bedroom.
Line Break
The pain is almost unbearable. If it weren't for the epidural my doctor gave me a while back, I'd be screaming even louder than I already am.
"Aria, you're so close. Just keep pushing sweetheart." Ezra says as he rests a hand on my shoulder.
"I can't do it Ezra! It hurts so much!" I scream out in agony.
"You can do it Aria! I'm right here, and just think, after this you'll get to hold our baby for the first time." Ezra says as he gives my hand a gentle squeeze.
I smile at the thought of meeting my baby for the first time. Ezra and I decided we wanted the sex of our first child to be a surprise, and I can't wait to find out if we're having a boy or a girl.
All of the sudden, both my midwife and my doctor are sprinting towards me. There is a look of panic written all over both of their faces, and I'm getting the impression that something is wrong. What could it be?
"Aria, I need you to push. We're losing the baby's heartbeat, and we need to get him or her out before it's to late." My midwife tells me gently,
Absolute and utter panic begins to take over my body. Why can't they detect my baby's heartbeat? What if something is seriously wrong with him or her?
"Ezra..." I say before I burst into tears.
"Aria, don't worry about it. Just push, okay love?" Ezra asks as tears begin to form in his eyes.
I nod, before letting out a piercing scream and pushing with all the force in my body. After what seems like eternity, I get the baby out, but something isn't right. The hospital room isn't filled with the sound of a newborn crying. Instead it's filled with the dreadful sound of complete silence.
I look forward and see my doctor whispering something into Ezra's ear. A startled gasp escapes from my lips when Ezra falls to his knees, and begins to cry harder than I've ever seen or heard him cry before.
"E-Ezra, what's wrong?" I ask as tears begin to spill out of my eyes.
Ezra doesn't respond, instead he buries his face in his hands, and continues to sob. I see my midwife cradling something wrapped inside of a little blue blanket, and that's when it hits me. My midwife is holding my baby, and my baby isn't moving or crying. That can only mean one thing.
"Dammit! Tell me what's going on!" I scream furiously.
My doctor approaches me slowly, before resting a hand on my shoulder gently. I can already tell where this conversation is heading.
"Mrs. Fitz, you gave birth to a little boy. Unfortunately there were complications, and he didn't make it." My doctor says as he avoids looking into my eyes.
Who knew that in a split second, you could fall from cloud nine, and land on the hard cement below you with a thud? Who knew that two simple sentences could change your life forever? I didn't know. Heck, I didn't think that something like this would ever happen to me. I didn't think that something like this could ever happen to me. I never thought I'd lose my baby before I even got to hold him.
"I want you to know that this wasn't your fault. The umbilical cord just got a little tangled, and the baby couldn't get any oxygen." My doctor tells me gently.
"No! This is a mistake!" I say through my heavy sobs.
"Mrs. Fitz..." He starts to say.
"You're wrong! Give me my little boy!" I say as I begin to raise my voice.
My doctor tries to calm me down, but he's unsuccessful. I begin to scream and cry hysterically, and neither my doctor or my midwife can do anything about it. All of the sudden, I feel a strong pair of arms wrapped around me. I look up and see my husband, who is also crying.
"I'm so sorry Aria." He says through his heavy sobs.
"I-I'm s-s-sorry t-to. I-I l-l-lost our b-baby." I somehow manage to spit out.
"Sh-Sh, it's not your fault love." Ezra says as he strokes my back gently.
I want to protest, but I don't have the strength to respond. Instead, I let Ezra hold me in his arms, while I cry out all of my angers and frustrations. All of the sudden, I feel someone tap my shoulder gently.
"We cleaned him off. Would you like to hold him Mrs. Fitz?" My doctor ask me.
I glance over at Ezra, hoping he'll make a decision for me. I don't want to hold the baby because I'm worried it will be too painful to bear, but at the same time I know that I'll regret my decision for the rest of my life if don't hold him.
"She wants to hold him." Ezra says for me.
My doctor nods, before placing the lifeless body in my arms. I look down at my son, and my heart breaks into even smaller pieces as I take in his appearance. His face is blue, probably from the lack of oxygen, but he has his daddy's thick, dark hair. If the baby's eyes were open, would they be identical to Ezra's, or would they look more like mine? I'll never know the answer to this question, just like I'll never know why he had to go before I got the chance to meet him.
"H-he's so beautiful Aria." Ezra says through his tears.
"He looks like you." I say as my voice cracks in despair.
"He looks like you too. He has your nose." Ezra says before taking the lifeless baby away from me, and holding him close.
"Should we name him?" I ask with a sniffle.
Ezra nods eagerly, and I decide to let him come up with the perfect name for our beautiful, lifeless child.
"Let's name him Gabriel, after the angel. He might not be here on Earth with us, but now we have a guardian angel watching over us." Ezra says before kissing our son's forehead.
"Oh Ezra!" I say before I begin to cry even harder.
"Sh-Sh, it's going to be okay." Ezra whispers to me.
For the first time in my life, I don't believe him.
Line Break
My eyes jolt open sudden, and I begin to cry so hard that I can barely breathe. Why did this have to happen to me? Why didn't I get to take my baby home like every other mother in the hospital got to do? Why did Gabriel have to die before he even got a taste of life? Why? God tell me, because I don't understand!
I glance over at my nightstand and see a picture of me and Ezra on our wedding day. I never thought we'd have to bury a child together, and I never thought he'd hurt me so much. But I still love him. I know I should still be furious, but I'm tired of being alone. I miss Ezra.
I slowly make my way out of bed, and I open my bedroom door. I gasp in shock when I see Ezra sitting outside of the doorway, and reading one of his favorite books. As soon as Ezra sees me, he drops the book and envelopes me in a hug.
"What were you doing sitting on the hard floor?" I ask as I breathe in his delicious scent.
"I've been sitting by the doorway for the past five hours. I couldn't leave you, and I needed to know you were okay." Ezra says as he holds me close to him.
"I'm not okay Ezra! I'm so upset, and I feel like my heart is broken." I say with a whimper.
"Oh honey! I'm so sorry! I was such an asshole, and I was wrong. You're not selfish or a bitch, and you have the right to mourn if you want to. I'm struggling with this myself, and I can't even imagine how you're feeling since you were the one who carried Gabriel for nine months." Ezra says as he wipes away his salty tears.
"But he was yours too Ezra. I'm sorry I slapped you, and gave you a hard time about the funeral." I say as I sob into his chest.
"Don't worry about it sweet girl. Why don't we just lie down together, and close our eyes?" Ezra suggests.
Even though I slept almost all day, I nod my head slowly. Ezra responds by picking me up, and carrying me to the bed bridal style. Next he tucks me under the covers, before laying down next to me, and pulling me close to him.
"I love you so much, and I'm right here if you need anything." Ezra whispers to me.
"I love you too." I say before turning around to kiss his forehead loving.
Ezra gives me a small smile, and I take a moment to admire the perfect man who I call my husband. He has the most beautiful blue eyes, and his dark curls are so adorable. I wonder if Gabriel would have grown up to look just like him, and I wonder if he would have shared Ezra's loving and selfless nature. I'm sure he inherited Ezra's brilliant mind, and Gabriel probably would have changed the world if he had gotten the chance to live on it for more than a split second.
"Ezra, why did this happen?" I blurt out suddenly.
Ezra sighs before kissing my forehead softly, and rubbing small circles around my back. He's deep in thought, and it takes him a few minutes to come up with a suitable response.
"I don't know baby girl. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't." Ezra tells me apologetically.
That's not good enough for me. I need more answers, and Ezra might be the only person who can give them to me.
"Do you think this happened for a reason?" I ask as I stare into his blue eyes.
A long period of silence follows my remark. Finally, Ezra speaks up again.
"The truth is, I'm not so sure everything happens for a reason." Ezra says thoughtfully.
I can't believe what I'm hearing! Ezra is a romantic, and I was sure he'd give me a lecture on how there is a bigger picture, and we just don't see or understand it yet. At least that's the answer I wanted to hear.
"So you don't believe that everything happens for a reason?" I ask in disbelief.
"That's not what I said! All I'm saying is that I'm not sure." Ezra tells me.
"If things don't happen for a reason, where does that leave us?" I ask him softly.
"I don't know, but it doesn't matter to me. Whether things happen for a reason or not, things still happen. Life is about adapting to the horrible things that happen to us, and making the most of what we still have." Ezra says as he holds me close to him.
"Oh Ezra, what do we have left? We lost our baby boy." I say through my tears.
"We have each other. That's better than anything else as far as I'm concerned." Ezra says as his voice softens.
"Will I ever get past this?" I ask as my voice cracks in despair.
"Yes, you're going to be okay Aria." My husband assures me.
"How do you know?" I ask him skeptically.
"Because I'll go to my death-bed making sure of it." Ezra tells me seriously.
And I believe him.
Two Years Later
I lay in my hospital bed with my husband Ezra by my side. He's stroking my long, dark hair, as I sit through another contraction. Yes, I decided to get pregnant again. It was a difficult decision to make, especially after everything I went through during my first pregnancy. It took me months to be able to smile and laugh after Gabriel's death, and I still dream about holding his lifeless body in my arms.
But I have to move on. Even though I'll never forget Gabriel, I cannot spend the rest of my life crying over something I cannot change, and Ezra really helped me understand this. That's why I agreed when Ezra asked me if I'd consider trying for another baby, and give being a mother a second chance.
Even though the past nine months have been some of the most joyful of my life, as I lay in my hospital bed, I begin to question all of my decisions. What if I lose this baby too? I don't think I'd be able to recover if I were to lose this baby, and I'm just as worried about Ezra. He's so excited about becoming a father, and I'm terrified that I'll disappoint him again.
"Aria, you're not breathing." Ezra says with a concerned expression in his voice.
"I'm just nervous, that's all." I say before offering my husband a reassuring smile.
"Don't be nervous. This stress isn't good for you babe." Ezra says before planting a soft kiss on my forehead.
I chuckle at Ezra's words. If we're being honest here, I think he's one-thousand times more nervous than I am! The next contraction that hits wipes the smile right off my face, and I clutch my stomach in pain.
"E-Ezra, I think it's time." I say through my gritted teeth.
Ezra responds by rushing out of the room, and sending for my doctor. Moments later he enters the room, and examines my lower region.
"Aria, it's time to push." He tells me softly.
I let out a prolonged breath, before pushing with all of my might. I scream and cry, while I clutch Ezra's hand tightly. He's lucky I haven't broken it yet.
After several minutes of intense physical pain, it finally stops. I take a deep breath, as the magical sound of a baby crying fills the hospital room.
"Congratulations Aria, you just gave birth to a healthy little girl." My doctor says before cutting the umbilical cord, and handing me my daughter.
I stare at the little girl in my arms, and break down completely. She's the most precious thing I've ever seen. I'm overjoyed that she has her daddy's mesmerizing blue eyes, and his dark curls too.
I look over at my husband, and realize that he's crying too, and probably even harder than I am! I can already tell that this baby is going to be his little princess.
"She's perfect Aria! Thank you for giving me a lovely little girl." Ezra says before kissing my forehead, and taking the baby from me.
I watch in awe as Ezra cradles our daughter in his arms, and sings her a lullaby. He's going to be the best father in the history of the world!
"I have a name." I say suddenly.
"What is it?" Ezra asks me curiously.
"Gabriella, in honor of her older brother." I say with a teary smile.
"I love it!" My husband says with salty tears running down his face.
"She happened for a reason Ezra." I say through my tears.
"I agree." Ezra says as he presses another soft kiss against my forehead.
"So did Gabriel. Like you said on the day he passed away, Gabriel is our guardian angel." I say as I think about my beautiful son.
What did you think? I have no idea why these depressing plot-lines randomly pop into my brain, or why I have such a strong urge to write about them! Basically this story was inspired by a question that my English teacher asked me the other day: Does everything happen for a reason? I've thought about this question a lot, and I still cannot give a yes or a no answer. I like to think about it how Ezra does in this story. What do you believe? Thank you so much for reading, and I really hope you enjoyed this story :). Please review and tell me what you liked and didn't like. Have a wonderful Sunday!