Learning how to live
I read in an interview to Thomas Gibson, that Hotch is in some sort of denial with what happen with Haley, I wanted to write my version about it and this is the result.
Reviews are always welcome... =)
Disclaimer: Mistakes are mine and that's it, everything else belongs to CBS.
"Anything, anything would be better than this agony of mind, this creeping pain that gnaws and fumbles and caresses one and never hurts quite enough." Jean-Paul Sartre
Hotch came back to the living room after carrying Jack to his bedroom; the boy had fell asleep on the couch watching homemade videos; it was passed his bedtime, but Hotch had let him stay awake a little longer, just for tonight.
Today was Haley's first death anniversary and they spent the afternoon watching videos and looking pictures. In the morning they went to visit her and brought her flowers. They had lunch with Jessica and her mother, both women told Jack all kind of stories about his mom, constantly causing his laugh.
Hotch was amazed at how they could talk about Haley so freely. When he talk about her with Jack, he always had to force a smile and hide his sorrow; he doesn't want Jack thinking that remembering his mother it's a sad thing, he wants him to remember her with joy and love, but it's just too hard for him. Oppositely to him, these women's laughter is real, it does reach their eyes. They feel joy and love. He knows, they are as hurt as he is, Haley's mother even more, there's nothing worse for a parent than to lose a child; but they, unlike him, have learned to live with it. Hotch knows that the reason is because they're stronger. They braver.
Learning how to live with pain needs courage and strength. Courage because you have to recognize it, to face it, to feel it; and strength to survive even if it tear you apart, and to move on even if it screams you to stop. Then you learn; you learn how to breathe, how to move, how to feel everything else.
But Hotch can't. He hasn't admitted yet that that day not only a mother, a daughter and a sister were taken away. He hasn't admitted yet, that the love of his life was taken away, too. He's scared. He's afraid that if he allows himself to deal with his own pain, it would break him more than he already is; that he won't be able to wake up every morning, to go to work every day, to be the father Jack needs him to be. Therefore, he refuses to feel.
Hotch turned off the TV and started to pick up all the photos scattered over the coffee table. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, milestones, everything is captured on a picture. Everything is there. A lifetime. One of the photos caught his attention; it's one with a young man with a pirate hat hugging a blond girl wearing a white old fashioned dress; they are looking at each other's eyes laughing. Hotch picked the picture up and stared at it.
The thing with pain is that denying it won't make it go away. It stays inside, piling up, growing, getting stronger. For a time, people can go pretending, claiming to be free and being alright, but it just takes a moment. It just needs a trigger; like the reminder of a past life full of dreams and hopes for a future where love is enough. And when it finally arises nothing can stop it and you're forced to make a decision; either you survived or you let it kill you.
Hotch could feel it now, overwhelming his heart, pressing his lungs, weakening his body. On impulse, he tossed all the pictures onto the floor as if blaming them for his pain. He knelt down, the simple act of breathing exhausting him every second.
Out of the corner of his eye, Hotch glimpsed a shadow. He turned and saw Jack hiding behind the wall. Hotch met his eyes and realized that Jack has seen him losing control. Hotch looked down ashamed; his son believes he's a superhero, but now he's going to think that he's weak or worse he's going to be afraid of him.
Jack stood still for a moment before slowly walking to his father. When he was in front of him, Hotch looked up at his son's big brown eyes. They were not filling with fear or disappointment, but with innocence and sweetness.
A silent tear rolled down Hotch's cheek. With his little hand, Jack wiped it away softly. He placed his small arms around his dad's neck and hugged him tightly.
"I miss her too, daddy." Jack whispered.
Hotch hugged him back as more tears fell, releasing everything he has been hiding away for a year.
He made his decision that moment. It will take time, it will hurt like hell, it will make him fall apart, but he will overcome it. Because even though she's gone, a piece of her, the part she loved the most, is still there. He has the most precious reason in his arms, and for him, Hotch will learn how to live.
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." Lao Tzu