Haven: But I Die (Without You)
Author's Note: I've had this story in my head for awhile. I've been contemplating it since before the finale, but I wanted to use the finale as a guide to help me write this story. This is a very personal fic and something I've always wanted to share with other fans, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy trying to figure out my very own crazy world of Haven. I have a physical disability and use a wheelchair and, as such, I feel my disability has informed the way I seek to tell stories. Therefore, I feel it is important to explore the meaning of disability and what it means to me in fandom in hopes of helping fans understand my perception of the world around me. This story seeks to explore a part of that.
Dedicated to scarlotti for her beautifully written Naudrey stories, which have inspired me to become a better Naudrey writer because it's still hard for me to grasp at times. Thank you!
This is a post finale story; however, while it uses dialogue and scenes from both "Reunion" and "Thanks for the Memories," it is meant to be an AU fic. Written for my hc_bingo prompt "isolation" on LJ.
Chapter One: The Third Way
Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
"Without You" – Rent lyrics
"Am I even human? Audrey Parker asks as she stands inside the Barn, stark white walls plastered around every miniscule inch of space around her.
"Audrey," Agent Howard says, voice serious and unwavering as he steps forward and places his hands on her shoulders. "That's your problem. You are very, very human."
"So I'm… I'm Troubled then," she replies, eyes wide and scared as she tries to process this information.
"No," he responds, shaking his head.
"Then why do I need to kill the man I love to end all this?" She steps back now, anger coloring her tone. "Am I being punished?"
"It does seem that way, yes."
She almost hates Agent Howard in this moment for being so stoic, calm. She fights back tears that form along the rims of her eyes, meeting his steady gaze once more.
"There's gotta be another way."
Agent Howard draws a breath. "There is a third way. But it only works once. Lucy and Sarah chose not to use that. But your situation is… different now. Therefore, that third choice is yours if you choose to use it."
"Tell me," her voice implores, her tone threatening even as a tear falls down her cheek.
"One way stops the Troubles for twenty-seven years. The other way stops them forever. And the other…"
"What?" she nearly shouts and the word echoes in reverberation around them.
"It's only temporary," he begins. "Just until the time is right. But someone else must take your place until you are able to. The Troubles will remain in Haven until you are ready to return to the Barn."
"I… I don't understand," Audrey's breath hitches in her throat as she stares at Agent Howard's stoic expression.
"I'm sure you remember last night, don't you? The night you thought to be your last night in Haven as Audrey Parker?"
He steps back, studies her face as her brow furrows and suddenly…
A flash of white light
Now she's standing inside the Grey Gull, watching a scene from the night before unfold.
Audrey and Nathan are sitting at a table in front of her talking in hushed tones.
"I'm going to go up," Audrey tells Nathan and she turns in her chair, getting ready to stand, before glancing back at him.
Nathan.
"I have always loved you. I always will love you."
She remembers saying those words to him before he'd been brought back to life a few weeks ago. Her eyes trace the contours of his face, of his deep concentration and careful vulnerability.
"What are you doing?" she finally says.
"What I want to do is stay here with you," he replies, his eyes melting into hers.
A small smile forms on the creases of her lips when suddenly…
A flash of white light
Audrey now stands and watches an entirely different scene unfold. She's now upstairs in her bedroom above the Gull watching herself and Nathan as they hesitate around each other, stumbling over words they always knew how to say.
He pulls her closer to him and Audrey lets out a small gasp of surprise at Nathan's forwardness in his actions.
"Nathan," she breathes out in surprise and the intimate moment between them pulsates with steady vigor.
"I don't want to spend the rest of my life not knowing how it felt to hold you like this. To be with you."
His voice is honest, open and Audrey finds herself searching his face for more answers (but his stoic expression constantly leaves more to be desired) and, as her eyes flicker to his, he leans in and captures her lips in a passionate kiss.
Everything around them seems to standstill, to stop, and even as Audrey watches the scene continue to unfold, she thinks she feels it too.
It's just them.
Locked in a passionate embrace, his lips move away from hers to tease a trail of soft kisses down the side of her neck and her arms tighten around his shoulders as her fingers weave through his hair.
Carefully, he lowers her to the bed behind them and his hands travel to the hem of her shirt, slipping underneath against her soft skin. The pleasurable moan that comes from her mouth becomes muffled into the crease of his neck as he continues to plant soft kisses along her collarbone.
Her fingers are the first to find the buttons of his shirt and she undoes them quickly and the unseen Audrey in the room almost has to look away, instantly reminded of Nathan's brief time with Sarah.
Almost.
But she doesn't.
Her eyes remain riveted on the two bodies lying on the bed in front of her, experiencing a heightened moment of pleasure she wishes she could never forget.
As Audrey watches herself with Nathan from the night before, clothing slowly starting to be strewn about in a haphazard pile on the floor beside the bed, she feels a vibrating pulse in her temples. Reaching up to touch her forehead as her head starts to pound incessantly, the intensity of the moment she's witnessing becomes too much to bear.
She cringes, nausea creeping up on her and the edges of her vision fading to black until…
A flash of white light
When Audrey opens her eyes, the pounding in her head instantly subsides and she looks around, taking in the sterile perfection of the mysterious Barn.
She feels Agent Howard's gaze upon her seconds before she finds herself staring into his eyes again.
"What the hell was that?" she demands.
"Devotion. Caring. Passion."
Agent Howard speaks the last word with a careful delicacy.
"Love."
"I know that, but-…"
"You're pregnant, Audrey," he interrupts calmly. "You're going to have another child. A daughter."
To be continued…
Author's Note: I have to admit that I don't know exactly where this is going, but you're welcome to follow along for the ride! Reviews are like delicious bowls of cherries, so please leave me some! :)