**Based on the extended cut DLC goodbyes from Mass Effect 3**
It was pain, for the most part. Pain and anger, but mostly pain. She'd learned to shut that out years ago, because what good was there in feeling pain when there were still mercenaries to shoot, or Reapers to get rid of? She stumbled behind a fallen Mako with Liara, her stomach tight and tense under her armor and her heart thumping as both sets of muscles tried to ward off the growing aches and soreness.
Her hand gripped at the rough ground for support and Shepard glanced down at her, his face still serious and set but his concern shining through in his eyes, as it always did. She waved him off as best as she could and gave him a quick nod, not an "I'm alright" nod as much as an "I'll get through this somehow" nod.
"Normandy, do you copy? We need an evac right now!" he ordered, looking up and around, always alert. She vaguely heard Joker's answer over the connection, distorted because of those goddamn fucking Reapers. Shepard started to stand up and she started to follow, but he held up a hand to stop her, his other hand gripping her shoulder with an almost delicate amount of tenderness. It was shit like that, the little things, that made her wish they'd had more time. Another response from Joker and she heard the Normandy's engines firing up as the ship crested over the black horizon, majestic even in a war zone.
"C'mon." His voice was gruff as he pulled her arm over his shoulder, allowing her to lean on him. The three of them ran off towards the landing Normandy, dodging bullets and Shepard doing half the running for her. Liara sprinted onto the ship first and reached out; Shepard gently pulled Ashley away from him.
"Here, take her." he grunted, as Liara let Ashley lean on her.
Just because she'd expected to hear it didn't make it any better. "Shepard!" It was supposed to be a much more forceful sound, but it left her lips as a plea, her voice cracking from the strain.
Shepard stepped back. "You've gotta get out of here." It was so telling of their pseudo-relationship that she could hear the anxiety in his voice, the desperation hidden under the command. To her, he may as well have said, "I need you to get out of here."
She frowned before she could stop herself, more angry than sad. "With all due respect, Commander." she snapped, not needing to finish the sentence.
"Don't argue with me, Ash."
She must've moved wrong while trying to keep her balance and stay firmly stationed under Liara's arm because something pulled at a wound; she hissed between her teeth and the hiss turned to speech. "Dammit…I can do this."
Something broke in Judas' face, the hundredth thing she'd seen break since she'd climbed onto the Normandy again months ago. She wasn't sure if it made it better or worse that the fracture was for her. He wasn't the commander anymore, as she watched him walk up the ramp; he was Judas, and they just as well could've been in his quarters on the Normandy, staying up way past their bedtime and telling stories between bad whiskey and kisses they never should've shared.
"I know you can. No matter what happens here, I'll always love you." he said quietly.
The words were one thing, but it was the hand on her face that did it, tender even under the grimy, bloodstained glove, and he knew damn well it was the only motion that ever made her feel vulnerable. She fought to form words.
"Shepard, I…" No, Ash, don't you dare fucking cry. "I love you, too."
She held out her hand, in some futile hope that maybe he'd just take it and stop being the hero for once in his fucking life. He held her gaze as he walked down the ramp—she'd miss those eyes—saying more than he ever could with words. He glanced back at the descending Reaper, then turned to Ashley and Liara. "Go!"
That one was unmistakably an order, one that would kill her to follow. She dropped her hand and watched him as he sprinted down the ramp. Liara gently squeezed her shoulder and Ashley turned away.
She was right about one thing: mostly, it was pain.