Sometimes you just want it to go wrong. I did. I did…want it to go wrong. I couldn't help but bite my lip and wonder - just daydreams. I often caught myself thinking about what-if's, the worst case scenario's. It was nonsense - bullshit, why would I? But as I shook my head, pulling myself out of the dark, chilling mood, I could feel that I was being pulled towards it. Towards those dark thought. I was just waiting, nearly wanting for it to go wrong. And it did. Oh, it did go horribly wrong. I can't even remember where exactly it went wrong, when the alarm bells should've rung. They rang all right, but they rang too late. Now that I looked back, I know some things should've been chilling, though at the moment I thought nothing of it. I thought it was kind of hot, actually, the sudden - in my view - game that developed. It was a game all right, though not the game I thought - I hoped it would be. It was a game that destroyed him, a game that destroyed me, a game that eventually destroyed us. Here I sit, with my back against the wall and an empty bottle in my hand, in a place I once referred to as my 'home'. Where I shared nearly all of my experiences - from the chilling to the most important ones. Where him and me shared our first - our first everything. New experiences, or re-experiencing the old ones. He made everything more special than it used to be. And everything he helped me build up or break down - bad habits, bad moods, but most of all being a better person, trusting others - it all just…went in reverse. As soon as he started… As soon as he betrayed…me…
I just want to die…
Please, take me…
"Ugh, Steve, can you please not touch my stuff?" Tony whined as he went into the lab. "You wanted me to get stuff!" Steve replied from a dark, messy corner. "Yeah - something that was on my desk, not in the corner of shame," Tony said as he rolled his eyes. Secretly he loved him for it - and he knew it. "You didn't tell me that!" Steve protested, as he stuck his head around the corner. "I didn't?" Tony asked, "Huh-weird. I can remember saying that. Hey Dummy-thanks." He grabbed the crumbled up papers from Dummy as he saw Steve walking towards him from the corner of his eye, which had been so helpful by using his three fingers to make the papers pretty much unreadable. Not true, actually. "There, see, even Dummy knows where it is and he's a robot," Tony said. Though not just a robot. "A bunch of ones and zeros," Tony continued, "Hm-so that outweighs the stars and stripes?" Steve rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around Tony. "So go share a bed with Dummy then, if he outweighs me," Steve chuckled. "Uh, yeah-no," Tony said, as he put the papers back on the table, "See, I never really said that it-" "Excuses," Steve laughed, "You wouldn't last a day without me." "I strongly-" "You strongly what, Tony?" Tony could see those lovely twinkles shimmer in Steve's eyes. "I strongly agree," Tony said, before he gave Steve a short kiss. "And I strongly recommend that I should get back to work, or else it'll be a long night ahead of the both of us." "Oh, I have no doubt it'll be a long night for the both of us," Steve said with a happy wink as he let Tony go. Tony rolled his eyes - but grinned as he grabbed the papers and went back to work.
No, no that wasn't when it started. Those were the normal days. The perfect days. I look back at them, envying myself. I enjoyed these moments - God knows I did - but I feel like I never enjoyed them enough. I feel like I took it, like I took him for granted, though I never did and never would've.
No, it didn't start here. It started later. Though slowly… He was off, those were the first signs. He went more often to the gym and wasn't concentrated during the missions. Never cursed, though… Curious, how people can hold onto those little things, but so screw up the things, the people, who are so much more important to them. …at least, I hope I was important to him…even if it was just a day, maybe an hour, a minute perhaps…
"Hey Caps," Tony said with a grin, as he took off his suit with some difficulty. Things were broken, here and there, this and that. No biggie - not really, just the regular kind of damage. Well, maybe a bit more serious than that. But still, no biggie. Nothing Tony couldn't fix. "Hey Tony," Steve replied. He sounded distracted. "You okay, right?" Tony asked him, as he threw off his leg. Well - the leg part of the suit. God, really - some parts were just nothing but scrap metal. Cheap shit, that's what it was. "Sure-yeah, I'm fine," Steve replied. Tony looked up at him, wondering for a moment. Sure, Tony wasn't really the talkative person, but Steve sure as hell had made a difference. But he just shrugged and continued to get his leg freed. And then a long, hot shower (which may be either hot because of the water or hot because of a very joining and a very naked Steve) and then bedtime. With some more action, Tony hoped. Tony wasn't a really 'hoping' person either - he usually just got what he wanted and he'd definitely get what he wanted this time, out of all times. Hell yeah. "Steve - a hand, please," Tony grunted, as he pulled at the metal surrounding his ankle. Leg was probably scrap metal, but, like he had said, nothing he couldn't fix, right? "If you ask nicely." …what the hell? Since when did he had to 'ask nicely'? "Steve - I'm not kidding, I really do-" "I'm not kidding either." "So if I don't ask nicely, what then?" Steve turned around and had a hint of darkness in his eyes - playful… What's the word? Challenging look in his eyes, playful. Naughty? Was naughty the word? It was dirty and Tony loved it. "Oh, I see," Tony said as he grinned, "Well, then, Rogers - please help me with undoing my suit…" 'Or all of my clothes,' Tony thought, 'Wouldn't mind that, either.' Steve walked closer, still had that somewhat hungry look in his eyes. "That wasn't a question," Steve softly said. Tony whined. "God, Steve - I'll suck your dick, just please get it off me!" With Steve those kind of comments were always… Like, Tony didn't really mean it, but he sure as hell wouldn't mind. Steve usually just rolled his eyes or turned bright red - probably depending on whatever mood he was (either horny or not horny - Tony loved that blushing of his) - though this time his lips slightly curled up in a grin. "Please do," he said.
Steve had been 'off' more times than once - and why wouldn't he be? He came straight from World War II to the twenty-first century, having lost everybody he ever knew. Of course he was 'off' a few times, though barely ever when he was Captain. No - Captain America was the hero, he was the leader, he was the example and he was damn good at it, too. Though Steve Rogers…did have the tendency to be a mess. But didn't we all? I was an alcoholic - still am, with a small pause created by the Rogers who had been so dear to me - and tended to be dying every once in a while, Banner was cursed with the greens. I bet the others had their things as well. Though we had learnt to cope with it, and our Capsicle hadn't had that time yet, to process everything. And I very well realize I had been a dick to him in the beginning - I always was, always have been, back when I was still alive - even I was careful after a while. Few back-and-forths, I had to test my limits anyway. See how much this guy could take. Tough guy. Even though he was a lab experiment, he also was a hero. And all that was special to him, came from him - I had been wrong about that. But he was a hero. And if he hadn't been a hero to America as well, he would've been a hero to me. For as long as the Steve I knew and fell in love with had been truly there. That is, if he disappeared…
I remember the slow build-up of incidents. Like I said - it started small. He was off, more times than usually, followed by the 'naughty', dirty moods of him…. Dark. I'd describe them as dark, though at the time… If I had known what I know now… But it's always like that, isn't it? 'If I had known what I know now…' Life would've been so different. But you live and you learn. You lose and you learn. I live and I lose. I lose all I've ever loved. I lost all I've ever loved…
"Jesus Christ!" "Don't curse," Steve snapped back. "Then don't open the curtains and poison me with sunlight at fuckin'-" "Language!" "Curtains!" "Fine!" And with that, the curtains were ripped, they were ripped instead of closed and Steve stormed out of the bedroom, their bedroom. "Steve!" Tony called out, as he sat up. "Jesus - Steve!" "What!?" Tony growled and got up to peek his head around the corner of their bedroom. "Where're you going?" Tony asked. "Gym," he replied angrily. Tony could see his set jaw - Steve looked away. "…at least drink coffee with me," Tony suggested, "Just to start off the morning." "You already started off the morning," Steve replied, sounding angry, "And I don't need coffee." He turned around and walked off. Tony rolled his eyes and walked back in their bedroom. Well, he might as well take a shower, have Jarvis make some coffee for him so he could work back downstairs again. He was messing around with the suit anyway…
I knew it. At that moment - I saw something change within him. But I didn't think much of it - or, rather, I didn't want to. I never had been the talkative one, never, why would I? Steve knew what I meant and Steve was all I cared about anyway. And he just knew what I felt like, he knew what I meant - he read me like an open book. Never did I mind, really, of course not. Nobody could read me and it was reassuring that he, out of all people, could. I trusted Steve - fuck, I loved him. Gave my heart to him, what little was left of it. And he took it, carefully, not to break it, and loved me in any way he knew possible - loved me in any way that was possible. And I loved him back - I learned how to, he taught me how to. Funny thing that is, but it was…simply perfect. He was…perfect. And I had always been the…one trying so hard…
Suddenly I had a feeling things were falling apart. Those little fights about nothing, things that annoyed Steve - they seemed to happen so much more frequently. I did get…worried, at some point. Why I never did something with it, I wonder? He taught me how to talk - like a man, because, fuck, it took guts to talk about feelings. Feelings! Out of all things! Talk it out! What was he, a woman? God, no - he was way sexier than any of them or any of them combined. Jesus, he was more Godlike than Thor and Loki, who were like halfgods, Natasha explained. So two halves would make a whole, right? Steve was more handsome than anybody I had ever seen… And became - oh, it makes me sick in my stomach to admit it (or is it the alcohol?) - so much more sexier when he got that dark, hungry look in his eyes… No, I never wanted to do anything about it…
Tony noticed the second Steve walked into the room. He had that look in his eyes again. "Well hi there, Rogers…" Tony softly said as he grinned. Steve looked up from the fridge, where he grabbed root beer. It was called 'Stars and stripes' - that was the reason why there was root beer in their house. Oh, God yes… "Hey, Tony…" Steve stepped towards Tony as he stood against the kitchen counter. Tony bit his lip, placed his hands on the counter. Steve stepped closer - placed his hands next to Tony's, on the counter. Tony had never thought himself as being…not dominant, he had always thought he would be on top, but, well - with Steve, things had changed. Not always, of course, Steve had been the inexperienced one, but, shit, once he got the hang of it… And he'd always be somewhat embarrassed, but ever so grateful afterwards… Tony somewhat missed that, actually… But he pushed that thought away and looked at Steve with a somewhat playful look in his eyes. Then Steve moved closer - pushed Tony against the kitchen counter and violently kissed him. Jesus - fuck, yes… Tony lifted his hands to touch him - but Steve grabbed his wrists and pushed them on Tony's back. And that was the point where Tony's pants became, definitely, too small…
He had been somewhat embarrassed, but ever so grateful afterwards. How could I not have been alarmed? It was a different from day to night. From gentle and loving, to… Fuck, they almost turned to evil rabbits. Steve had always had Tony - but Tony always had the feeling that Steve never quite realized it, how much he could boss Tony around if he wanted to. And it was scary, a lot of times, for Tony to have somebody who could influence him so much, because Tony loved him so much… Much Steve either didn't realize it or did realize it and never really did anything about it, just 'cause he was a good person in his heart a soul.
So where did it go wrong? Did I break his heart, did he lose his soul? Somewhere along the way? I can't remember - my mind is fogged by the alcohol and the darkness of the depression. Nothing helps, I feel miserable. I remember - I remember where it all went wrong. And my hands clench into fists - one hand holding on to the bottle, the other to my hair. I want to pull them out - these dark thought, these evil memories. I wish I had died. When I was abducted. When I fell from the sky. Like a fallen angel. Though I never was an angel. Perhaps I had been an angel, though that had been just my disguise. Perhaps I was the devil, Lucifer, perhaps I was the kind of person to ruin lives and to…
"I don't want you to go to the laboratory!" Steve yelled. "Then you may kiss my ass and suck it up, because, hell, it's my house anyway and it's definitely my laboratory!" "Your house?" Steve asked, "Your house? Tony - you might not realize it, but we've been living here together for years now and you've agreed to share your everything with me-" "Not my lab, never said I'd share my lab," Tony interrupted him, "Nor anything that is in my lab, unless I have given you the specific permission to use, borrow or break that specific object." "Tony, you're in your lab all day and I'm sick of it," Steve growled, "I want you out of that lab and in the living room!" "What are you, my father?" Tony asked, "You'd be an even shittier dad that my real father and he was a bad father. And I haven't been in my laboratory for days, because you keep making such a big deal out of it! God, please, go to a gym or something!" "Is it such a big deal that I want to spend time with you?" Steve growled, "I mean - geez, Tony, it's not all about you, y'know!?" "Well, it's not about all you either and I haven't been thinking about me for the past - fuck, month or so? So you should just sit your sweaty, stinkin' ass down and really rethink your life, because I really don't feel like spending time with you if you're going to behave like a little bitch like this all the time!" Suddenly, Tony could see the change in Steve as he moved closer, quickly - and not like he did before. Yes, a dark look, but not naughty, not dirty. His arm lunged out, hand - his fist moving towards him, towards Tony.
I felt the full impact of his fist right against my jaw. I heard, felt it splinter, I felt the bone breaking in more than three places, I felt my teeth slamming against each other and my tongue in between. I tasted the blood, felt the pulsating of the blood. But that wasn't the worst pain I was suffering at the moment. God, I wish it was… Tears roll over my cheeks, again - I throw away the empty bottle and bury my head in my hands. Oh, it hurt, it hurt so much… Have I done this to him? Is this my fault? Could I have done something to prevent this all from happening? Did I manage to fuck him up, like I fucked up every other person that played some role in my life, like I fucked up myself? No - no… I took his life, I murdered him, I made him into the enemy… I raise my head, covering my mouth with my hand to muffle my soft cries. Oh, how I wish I did something, how I wish I noticed it before… Maybe he would've been here, in my arms, or me in his. Happy. How did it all get to this..? How could it all… It all went to hell… Maybe it was never meant to be… I bite my hand as the tears roll in a constant stream over my face - I don't want to cry, not out loud, I can't… My other hand goes to my outer heart, my humming arc reactor, the thing that keeps me alive. Physically alive. Because ever since Steve got killed, ever since he disappeared , ever since it all went to hell, I've felt nothing but emptiness. I feel the arc reactor, I hear it, I see it. I know what it's supposed to do and I know it does what it's supposed to do, but I know it's not capable of doing this. Of making me feel alive. Because that's what Steve did. The old Steve. The real Steve. Innocent, unknowing, the leader, the strong one. The hero. My hands softly stroke the arc reactor and I look up to the ceiling, though there was nothing to see. "Jarvis?" I swallow. "Yes, sir…" I hear his voice, softer than usual. "Goodbye, Jarvis," I say. "Goodbye, sir." And I bite my finger hard, my final tears dripping down, as I violently pull out the arc reactor and look at it. 'Proof that Tony Stark has a heart.' And Steve took it, he took it with him, damn it, and he'd never get it back. Because Steve was gone and now…so would I be.
Please, take me…