#CROANA

Sunday dawned heavy and slow, just like her. Her whole body ached, every breath, every step, were too difficult. Then she stood there, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling.

Not a minute passed and there was that damn phrase, on repeat in her head, she could hear the voice of Joana echoing like a joke: "a lie", "i don't love you Cris," "i can't help it". She wanted to scream, she wanted to forget every second of the last few weeks, it would be possible to erase the memory? (Google: how to erase unhappy memories?) stupid.

Cris was surprised there remain tears to cry, they flowed from the eyes to the cheeks as tap water, there was no stopping, she probably be dehydrate until the end of the day.

As she swallowed a piece of toast that tastes like ashes, Dani went into the kitchen, he came back two steps and stood there, still watching his sister.

- Hey, what's with you?

Cris pulled the hood of the sweatshirt over her head and remained silent.

- Hey, Cris?

- What do you want Dani? What the fuck!

- Uoo calm there, what happened? -Dani looked into her eyes and looks like he could read what they shouted. - Has something happened to your girl?

There, there were the bloody tears again, damn it. Hiccups and pain, head and chest. Cris did not respond to her brother's question, she got up and returned to her miserable existence in her room, lights off, listening to the wind hit the window. Damn, it made it even more melancholy.

When Chris opened her eyes again the night was already appearing and the phone rang endlessly on the nightstand.

"Amy: Cris, are U okay?"

"Viri: Let's do something Cris, you would do well get out of the house."

"Amy: Yes! We pass there at 19:00. "

"Ev: Be ready!"

Cris did not answer, knew better, the girls would not give up. She thanked silently to God or anyone else, for those girls. Well, if life was a complete shit, what else could she do? As she looked in the mirror, hiding her swollen eyes under makeup, she fought back tears that betrayed and wants to jump again. Enough.

- ENOUGH! -She screamed at her reflection. - I will not let you stop me, no more.

- Cris? -Her mother ran to the door. – Are you all right?

- Yes mom, I'm sorry, I was talking to the girls and got carried away.

- Will leave?

- Strolling the girls.

- Okay. Don't come home late, tomorrow is a school day.

- Yes, yes, mom. I know.

The finishing touch lipstick came just in time, the phone rang again.

19:16

"Nora: where to go? I'm finishing up a few things with my mother, meeting with you there! "

"Ev: not decided yet. We want you there huh?! "

"Amy: Cris, come down, we are here!"

"Cris: One second."

Eva thought of going in the same bar which they had that shit party, but quickly changed her mind, when she remembered a certain visitor who showed up. Lukas sent a message so they met him on the subway.

As he hugged Cris without saying a word, she felt understood, some tears wet the boy's coat, but he remained there, standing at that moment, as the girls watched them. A few minutes passed before Cris finally composed herself. Amira ran her thumbs over her eyes to straighten makeup.

- Beautiful!

[The square, kisses, kisses, the smell, cigarettes and hair dye were mixed in Joana's embrace. "guapa" she said between wet kisses all over Cris's face.]

- Hey, Earth calling Cris?! Where you were huh?

Cris smiled. – Nowhere, U are speaking?

- Lukas said he will take us to a new place, but we are for 10 minutes in this fuckin subway and got nowhere. - Amira complained trying to look really angry.

This was the first time since the day before that Cris smiled. It was easy to smile with them.

- Will you calm down okay? We are getting there.

Two stops later the group descended and met Nora, which had been notified by Lukas where to find them.

- WOW you are really fast, girl! -Lukas said hugging the girl.

The wind was cold while Cris went down the unfamiliar street with her friends. Lukas went ahead, leading the way, laughing and showing it to a very curious Viri about the new location. They stopped in front of a pub, a sign in neon lights on the dark glass door read "Hiding place". The girls looked excited as the security stamped one pink unicorn on their hands, marking the entrance of each.

Lukas knew some people inside the bar, definitely na LGBT+ bar, Cris realized, seeing many couples together, boys and girls, perhaps, just like her, who did not feel belonging in many other places. She felt a twinge in the stomach, will she and Joana would one day be one of those couples, proud, kissing and dancing together. But she and Joana would be nothing more.

- Hey! Nothing of sad face Cris! - Eva held a glass in her direction.

A pink liquid glowed under the lights, Cris shrugged and took a sip. The drink was strong and sweet, burned her throat in a tasty way. For this night, she did not want to remember Joana, or his pain, nothing. She just wanted to be Cris, before all this shit, the fun and nice Cris, dancing Cris, laughing loudly, a Cris that takes silly selfies.

The music was high on the top floor and after three of those drinks Cris was dancing as if it were the only one there, Amira accompanied as they sang lustily the new song that Cris was obsessed. Eva and Nora where twerking, laughing and drinking drinks of crazy colors.

- I'm going to the bathroom. -Cris shouted at her friend's ear.

- OK!

She went through the crowd of bodies dancing and smiling. The reflection was looking at her with the same smile, her cheeks in a deep shade of pink and eyes shining because of alcohol.

A girl stood by her side, also looking in the mirror to touch up her lipstick. Cris can not avoid looking at the reflection of the girl or to repair the outline of her mouth as she applied red lipstick. She smiled back and winked at Cris as she returned to the dance floor. Now her cheeks burned even more and she had a silly grin planted on her face when she returned to the girls.

- Hey, I need another drink.

The five went down again to the main bar and asked the favorite of the night. Cris looked around the room looking for the girl, wanted to look at her again.

- Girl what you're looking for? - Nora noticed.

- Girls -Cris could not tell without laughing. - I think a girl flirted with me in the bathroom just now.

-WHAT?! -The four replied together. – How? Who?

- She kissed you?

- No Viri, you know, I may be seeing things too.

- Cris No, you're beautiful, how could she not be flirting with you? - said Eva.

- Thanks babe.

When they returned to the top floor, they found Lukas looking for them, he was holding hands with a boy and had the slightly rosy cheeks.

- Girls, this is Raul. Raul those are Nora, Cris, Amira, Viri and Eva.

- Hi. - The boy answered very shy.

While dancing Cris felt a hand on her waist, she thought it would be one of the girls so she kept dancing, but when that hand pulled her closer, making like that your butt touched their crotch, Cris realized that she could not be any of the girls, but it was definitely a girl.

Over her shoulder she saw the mirror girl, her face was plastered on Cris's neck as they danced together. In a split second she turned Cris, so she was facing her and holding her waist.

Maybe it was the alcohol, but Cris felt so brave to put her hand on the girl's neck, her bob hair was wet with sweat and she felt her perfume mixed with sweat and smoke, a strong smell and sweet, so feminine and so delicate that made the head of Cris spin. Or was alcohol again?

- You are beautiful. - The girl said in Cris's ear, which made a cold chill down her spine to find the girl's hand on her hip. She did not answer, smiled and looked again at the red mouth of the girl. She wanted to know how would that lipstick taste. And as if she could read Cris's thoughts, her mouth closed the distance between them.

Cris closed her eyes and it seems that things were light years away, the girl's lips moved against hers, hot and sweet tongue inside her mouth fitting with her own, was a new sensation, her heart beat so fast in her chest, seeming to get out of there. Cris felt confident every second that lasted more that kiss, her hand was lost in the hair of another girl, biting her lip and once again invading her mouth with her tongue, pressing their bodies together. Cris's head was spinning, but she stood there, kissing and dancing with that unknown girl for what seemed like hours.

When at last they parted Cris opened her eyes and saw the bright green eyes looking straight at her blue ones, once again that shiver down her spine.

- Let's drink? - She said in Cris's ear. -Who just nodded.

The girls saw when Cris passed by holding the girl's hand and made signs of approval, smiles and a very strange dance of Eva.

Cris ordered two beers on the balcony and sat in one of the free seats while her companion spoke with a boy near the stairs.

- Thank you, my name is Agatha. - said the girl as she sat beside her.

- Cris.

Her hair was a platinum shade of gray that made her eyes stand out even more, she was really beautiful. But Cris did not know how to say this.

- It is the first time you come here isn't Cris? Because I'm always here and would not forget I had ever seen you. -She blinked with one eye taking a sip of beer, making Cris stomach jump.

- Yes, I did not know anything on that side of town, a friend brought us today.

- Oh yeah I saw your earlier, Lukas right? I met him two weeks ago. He's an amazing guy.

- Ah yes. He is the best. -What to say? Cris did not want the girl thought she was a complete idiot or a newbie in this story to flirt with girls, but she just didn't know what to say, so she took another sip of beer, trying to think of something less stupid to ask than her age.

- You're new in all this, right? - Agatha broke the silence, something in Cris called her attention, and it was not just the big eyes and gorgeous hair, or the way she danced, or her ass, something in this girl was intriguing.

- Can you notice it? - Cris replied, feeling his cheeks burn even more.

- Just a little. - Agatha said with a laugh. Her voice was soft and gentle, unlike Joana's voice, deep, cutting under her skin. Joana? No, nothing to think about Joana. - It's actually the first time I've been in a bar like this. I really lost too much time in my life.

- Nah, I believe that we do not waste time, at each stage of our lives we are exactly where we should be. Every thing that brought us right here in this fucking counter, taking this damn hot beer. - She took a sip. - Otherwise, how would you end up here? How would I look at you, or kiss you?

Agatha came over and kissed Cris, light as if this were the first kiss. Cris put her hand on her cheek and held it there for a second longer before letting the kiss end.

- Really, ended up just fine then. - Cris agreed.

They talked for long minutes before the girls came down, all drunk, and crowded around them.

- Cris, we need to go, it's nearly midnight, we will miss the last subway. - Amira said, checking the time on the phone.

Cris almost choked on the drink, two missed calls "Mom."

- Shit, she'll kill me.

Agatha looked confused at her.

- My mom. - Cris said.

- Ah yes. I know how it is. Well, but I will see you again? Saturdays here is much better, this weekend I will play here, I'm DJ, well I'm starting.

- WOW. - Eva already seemed very excited, maybe it was the drink. - We will come! - She put her arm on the girl's neck. Definitely the drinks.

- We'll see, ok Eva?

Agatha laughed at the girl and returned the hug.

- I think she liked me Cris, you will have to come, for her. - And that blink again, thank goodness the night was coming to an end, otherwise Cris's stomach will end upside down.- Well, shall we?

Viri came with the coats of all the hands and Lukas was waiting at the door.

Wait a minute, I'll go with you, since you're leaving i will get going too - Another simple, quick kiss that left Cris breathless.

The night had become even colder, now a little more dark and empty. Agatha took Cris's hand and intewined their fingers. Cris felt her heart racing, she looked around, afraid, and if anyone saw them, and if someone who knows her parents were around. Lukas was going ahead of them, also hand in hand with Raul, she felt a surge of confidence, she could not always live in fear, right?

While waiting on the empty platform Agatha pulled Cris for another kiss, longer this time, and Cris corresponded, not reminded of fear or insecurity, just kissed her, while her friends took pictures and were recording small videos on Instagram.

When the subway arrived Agatha asked for Cris's number. Amira joined everyone for a last shot, they all almost didn't fit on the screen, Agatha pulled Cris up to sit on his lap and so Amira took a selfie. Raul and Lukas embraced side by side, Viri, Eva and Nora making faces in the back of them, Cris with her arm around the Agatha's neck, smiling beside.

Lying in bed and rolling the Instagram feed for the thousandth time Joana felt bored, felt bad about herself for what she did to Cris, the things she said, why she had done it? Well she knew that all she wanted was to protect Cris, she didn't want her to suffer as she suffered on Thursday, could not go on with her so that she was always worried about her, or visiting in hospitals. That was not what Cris deserved, she had to have a happy and healthy relationship, normal. And that Joana could not give, however she wanted. She loved Cris, she knew it, and so it was better to let her go.

Joana found herself remembering the weekend she spent in Cris house, the way she kissed her, afraid and still giving her all. Cris seemed so confident for everyone, but with Joana, in those days, she seemed fragile and shy, was ashamed of Joana touching her or kiss her. Joana desperately wanted to touch her, but waited patiently for her to wanted it too.

The increasingly insistent kisses, all night long, the film forgotten on the screen, the hands of Cris, curious and shy around your waist or in your face. The shiver she felt when Cris finally touched her breasts and everything that happened after. Everything was too intense with Cris, she didn't want to lose it, but had no other choice. She had to let Cris go. It would be better for everyone.

Amira posted a photo, Joana's heart skiped a beat for a second, she was there with her yellow sweatshirt and hair tied in a messy bun, "guapa", red cheeks and that sweet smile, always, beautiful. Her arm around the neck of another girl, a different girl, Joana did not know her from the school or party that Cris had given. The girl's hand on Cris's thigh too intimately.

Joana was breathing fast and without rhythm, the heart squeezed in the chest and eyes stung with tears. She clicked on the picture " ", clicked on the profile, a very beautiful and seemingly older girl, gray hair and a rebellious attitude in each picture. In the tagged photos another punch in the stomach, "Hiding place tagged in three photos" first: Agatha with a group of people in front of a rainbow flag, second: a photo holding a drink with an older man in same wall, third: she and Cris, her girl, Cris giving a kiss on her cheek and holding her by the waist.

These photos have dropped like a bomb on Joana's head, her heart ached and her eyes burned, she closed the Instagram and let the phone drop to the floor. She ran through the house to find her mother sitting in the living room, she threw herself into her arms and let the tears flow.

When she calmed, her mom wiped her face and paused for a second to look in her eyes before speaking.

- What happened dear?

- I'm stupid.

- I disagree. What happened?

- I just saw a picture of Cris with another girl, a beautiful and perfect girl, without this madness and without being fucked up.

- How do you know?

- How mom?! I just saw the girl's Instagram.

- No, how do you know that she is perfect and is not crazy or is not "fucked up"? We all are love. One way or another.

- No mom, Cris is perfect. And now she's moving on.

- Then why did you let her go?

- I can not fuck her life too, mom. Enough you and Dad, who are forced to live with my fucking crises. She doesn't deserve it.

- First, your father and I love you, never think that you are a burden to us. And two, Cris seemed me pretty strong in the hospital when she came to see you. Not even scared with your father when she arrived, he did not even greeted her you know? But still she had stayed there with you. I do not think you have been a burden for her too.

Joana felt the tears flow again, remember how Cris looked relieved when she saw her in the hospital.

- But I know that at some point she would tire of it, me.

- You did not give her the opportunity to say it for her Joana, you made this decision and did not talk to her, just trow her out of your life. If you do not give someone the opportunity to enter how will you know if they will stay?

Joana looked at her mother and said nothing, just absorbing all that wisdom, sometimes she was too hard on her parents. It was stronger than her, but this woman understand it, she never gave up on her, no matter how she hated to admit most of the time, she was her best friend.

- But now it's no use, I lost her, I let her go, and she is there, kissing that bitch "Agatha".

Her mother laughed and put her daughter lying in her lap.

- Well then, tomorrow when you return to school, talk to her. Do not give up, because I'm sure she did not give up on you.

- Maybe. - said Joanna, already feeling her eyes too heavy to stay awake.