One Shot: My Eternal Punishment.
Author: Dark Wings of Imagination.
Genre: Angst
Rating: T
Summary: "For me this is just another way of life – fate, destiny or whatever – to punish me for all the evil I've caused in the past."
A/N: This is loosely based on the amazing song "I'd Surrender" by Celine Dion, which I love.
This fic kinda of wrote itself. I hope all of you like it.
Beta-ed by Ryl
As I lie down on my bed staring at the ceiling I know sleeping won't be coming any time soon. It has been like for a few nights now, and even though I pretend not to know the reason why, I know it is a way for me to protect myself. But as I lay wide awake for the sixth night in a row, I realize there's no escaping any more.
Understand that never in a million years would this be my intention. I never wanted it to happen nor did I expect it, and even though some people may think this is a blessing, I beg to differ. For me this is just another way of life – fate, destiny or whatever – to punish me for all the evil I've caused in the past.
Love.
How can such a small word hold so much power?
Love is weakness and strength, all wrapped in one small dangerous package.
And that's my eternal punishment: to love.
…
As if it wasn't bad enough having to carry this sinking feeling alone, I had to fall in love for Emma Swan of all people.
I fought against this love from its very beginning but its force, its ferocity was just something I wasn't capable of winning over.
The first night I allowed it to let take it over my body I had been so tired – both physically and emotionally – that I didn't have the will or strength to fight it. In the end I cried myself to sleep.
It hurts to have the one you love so close and still so far away.
It is more painful than losing them to death. Although death is not something pleasant, it happens all the time with every and any one of us even if we're not ready.
And that's why loving Daniel will never hurt as much as loving Emma.
Life without Daniel was not something I predicted, was not something I choose, and still it hurts less.
Life without Emma, however, is something that I do have a say in it. I choose to be without her, because as painful as it may be now I can't even imagine what would it be like if I have tried and she rejected me.
…
Still, I wish I had the courage to at least look at her in the eye and tell her how I feel, even if it means running away right after doing it. But I don't have the guts to do it.
And that's the reason why sleep hadn't been easy these past few nights.
How could I possibly sleep with so many thoughts and feelings in my mind?
…
As so many thoughts swirl in my brain, there was thing I was sure.
I'd surrender.
I never thought I would ever say these words, but for Emma, I would.
I would give her my everything, my heart, my soul.
I would surrender all of my being to her.
I would do everything in my power to show her how much I love her, how important she is.
She is the air I breathe, and life without her is hell, but it's all I can afford.
But one day, when I finally know I'm ready for it, I will say it all to her, I'll build up the courage and maybe, just maybe, I'll find happiness.
For now, though, I'll drown myself in my illusions until it gets painful enough to force me into sleep.
End!