This is my first Quick story. I was reading the book "Bang Crunch," and the first little story reminded me of Quick for some reason. So if for some reason any of you have read it, it is basically the same story with some changes. Also, fair warning, there may be tears. Now is your chance to turn back lol. All mistakes are mine.
One tube, two tube, red tube, blue tube; it may have been a popular line from one Dr. Seuss, but it did not even come close to describing the scene in front of her. The way numerous tubes of all different shapes and colours were fed through the plastic incubator and into a baby, no larger than her own forearm. How the different tubes penetrated the thin pinkish, grey skin of the newborn in front of her. Skin that was so thin, she was sure she could see the organs that lay beneath. The baby was so still, so silent even. Tubes running into her throat and chest to help her breathe and to keep her heart beating. The thing that lay before her was less of an infant and more of an alien life form.
"Puck, what kind of mother do you think I'll be?" she asked while they both sat in her small apartment in New Haven.
"I think you'll be the best mom," he smiled but she failed to smile back.
"Do you really think that? You've known me for years, Puck. You know my past and you know how I grew up. My parents were hardly there for me and I was the biggest bitch in Lima. And after all these years, you're the only one who stuck around with me. You're the only friend I have. So after alienating everyone, what makes you think I'll be a good mom?" she ran through her thoughts as she poured another glass of sparking water.
"Real traditional, I think. You'll be one of those infomercial moms that argue over 2-ply or 3 ply toilet paper. You may not think so now Quinn, but you have a big heart. You just have yet to let anyone in that heart of yours yet. You're afraid to let people in, to love them."
She thinks she could blame her inability to let people in on her parents. The way they hardly touched, let alone spoke to each other. They way they nursed their drinks to nurse their broken hearts as they endured a loveless marriage for countless years. They were like semi-detached houses forced to lay side-by-side. They were together, but not really. They just appeared to be.
"Are you ready to do this mama?"
"I'm not a mama yet, Puck. And yeah, let's get this over with."
She handed him the blue espresso cup and left him to his own devices in her bathroom. It was easier to do it this way. She thought it would be way too personal if they were to have sex with one another; too intimate. He was her only friend and she wasn't about to lose him. So they made a pact to do it this way. It was semi-detached.
She also knew Puck and she knew he fell in love too easily. His mother used to joke that he fell in love twice on his way to the store. Quinn didn't have the heart to put him through that. To pull each other close only for her to pull away. She couldn't love anyone. Not like the way he needed her to. She could like him, maybe really like him one day. Just not love.
He emerged from the bathroom and Quinn had to chuckle at the proud smile he wore on his lips. She made a comment on how fast he was, only for him to tell her how much she had practice at home. That only made her laugh harder.
"I don't love you," he said as he kissed her forehead.
"I don't love you, too," she replied as she watched him walk out of her apartment.
That espresso mug, a syringe and gravity landed her here in this hospital room. She sat in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, or the NICU. The way people said NICK-U made it sound as if it were some sort of university, which Puck had mentioned one night. "Hey, were sending our kid to NICK-U, it's one of the top schools." However instead desks and books, the room was filled with plastic incubators holding tiny infants who came into the world before they were ready; tiny alien like creatures surrounded by ventilators and other machines that hummed and whined constantly. It was strange to Quinn at first, the sounds and the dentist office smell, but it soon became home.
When she was four months pregnant, Puck moved into the apartment above hers. He remarked how the previous tenants were a young, married couple who were sulky and passive aggressive. He constantly made remarks about marriage saying "If marriage is an institution, then married people should be institutionalized."
She often wondered if this was a dig at their current situation. How they were not a couple, and yet, they were having a child. They were like bookends holding up and pregnancy book between them. However, if she had to be honest, she liked it this way. She had tried to live with previous boyfriends, but was often put off by their habits. They way they left their things around the house, the way Q-tips were caked with wax and the way they took up the entire bed. If she was honest, she preferred Puck lived close, but not with her. It was almost like semi-detached houses. Where it was almost a full house, but separated by a thin wall. She was sure there would be more successful marriages if they bought two separate twin beds, or slept in separate rooms.
"You're so semi-detached, Quinn," Puck would say.
Between the twenty-third and twenty- fourth week of Quinn's pregnancy, the placenta began to detach from the uterine wall. Semi-detached, she thought of how fitting it was. She was quickly rushed into the hospital and into the emergency room where she was administered drugs to induce labour. She remembered the way her daughter came out, her arm flinging as to push people away. She somehow knew how the baby felt.
"Is this one yours?" A woman asked as she sat next to Quinn.
"Yeah she is," she replied with a polite smile, but a tired one. She wasn't one for conversation in a place like this.
"Does she have a name?"
"No, I haven't gotten to that part yet."
"Well every baby needs a name, especially this little one?" she cooed at the small child through the plastic.
"Not yet. I'm worried that it will jinx it, you know? That the second I give her name, she will slip away."
"Nonsense, giving her a name gives her something to fight for. It gives her a life that she doesn't have now," she smiled before pointing to another incubator in the room. "That's my son over there. We were going to name him Alex, but he came out pink and mewing like a kangaroo, so we named him Joey."
Quinn looked over to see the little sign that read Hi, my name's Joey. It's nice to meet you. These signs hung on all of the incubators, all with a different name on them. All of the incubators had a name except hers. The card still hung there, but the place where you write the name was left bare.
After awhile, she learned the woman's name was Anne. She often found her with Puck, laughing away. He was like that, a people person. It was impossible not to like Puck, so she understood. Every time he came into the NICU, the woman would surround him and find a way to smile and laugh at his antics. She thought it was nice for them to get away from their worries for a bit. And in a place like this, you always have worries.
She watched as Puck held Joey in his arms, close to his bare chest. When some children were older and well enough, they were allowed to have skin to skin contact. The nurses call this "kangaroo care," which Quinn found laughably fitting.
"Whenever my husband holds Joey, it's like he is left holding a purse. He is so completely unnatural. But you, you are a natural. You better hold on to this one Quinn. He's a keeper."
"Ah but we're not married, Anne. See Quinn here is incapable of love, so little baby question mark over there is a little unnatural."
Anne paused for a moment before answering. "Well look around you honey, nothing in this place in natural."
Quinn smiled at that. Over the last little while they had gotten dirty looks from other parents when they told the story of their mystery baby's conception. Everyone just assumed that since their bracelets read mommy 82010 and daddy 82010, that they were together and everything was natural. She was glad Anne of all people didn't judge them.
Puck had organized a baby shower when she was six months pregnant, though she hadn't wanted one in the first place. She figured she had denied him of enough of the normal things that were involved with the baby making process, so she decided to let him have his fun.
However, the baby shower itself was anything but normal. They had somehow ended up sitting around with their closest friends and relatives at a table located in a strip club. The strip club was called "April's Roadhouse," and was filled with half naked firemen gyrating onstage. She was sure this was Puck's way of mixing a baby shower and a bachelor party into one. She was just glad none of her family was there to witness it.
The evening somehow managed to be normal, aside from what was going on around them. The food was half decent and the music wasn't too loud, so you could still have a conversation. They went around the table and passed Quinn various gifts. She got clothes in various yellows and greens, and stuffed animals and a duck mobile. It was normal, that is, until it got to Puck. He held up a stuffed toy that he described as a "clown pig" that he had found at his local pawn shop when he was looking for a new amp. Though Quinn thought it was a little strange looking, she couldn't help but find it a little endearing. It was completely Puck.
"How about Jack Daniels?"
"Puck, we are not naming our daughter Jack Daniels."
"Fine, Jackie Daniels."
"No, not happening. You are lucky I am letting you in on this decision, but we are not naming her after your favourite drink."
"She needs a rockstar name. Rockstars can make it through anything: drug overdoses, alcohol poisoning, whatever. If she is ever going to pull through, she needs a badass name."
Quinn smiled as she watched Puck delicately run the pads of his fingers over their daughter's elbow. "She can have a badass name, just not that one." She thought for a moment before speaking again, "I have an idea for a name."
Quinn watched Puck as Puck sat in her living room, plucking away at his guitar. He usually never really came over unless she asked him to, but he just came in and sat down on her couch. She watched as he strummed along with the CD that was playing in the background. She found it oddly calming to watch his fingers graze the strings as he played new chords. She even found him humming along to certain songs, almost as if he was in his own world.
When a certain song came on, she couldn't help but find how much Puck got into it. Playing his guitar a little louder and actually singing along with the words. Even after being in their high school glee club, she was sure she had never heard this song before.
"Puck, which band is this?"
Puck looked a little startled, almost as if he had forgotten that he was in Quinn apartment instead of his own. After a small moment, he responded. "Uh, it's Kiss actually. Sorry, I can change it if you want."
"No, it's okay. I really like this song. What's it called?"
"It's called Beth," he almost looks a little embarrassed. "I, uh, actually think of our baby when I sing it. I know we promised not to find out the sex of our baby, but I kind of hope it will be a little girl. That way when she is growing up, I can sing this song to her to make her feel better when she is sad or having a bad day."
Tears welled in Quinn's eyes but she turned to brush them away. She kind of liked him after that. Well, almost liked him.
"Why don't we name her Beth?"
"Really you would be okay with that?"
"Yeah, I would be. That way you can really sing to her," Quinn smiled and Puck beamed before turning his focus back to their daughter.
Quinn sat alone as she watched Puck from across the room. This time he was surrounded by the other fathers of the NICU as he showed them how to comfortably hold their newborns. The blonde smiled as she watched the other men looked with rapt attention. It was as if Puck was telling them the meaning of life.
"You see him over there with the stupid Mohawk, that's your dad. He may embarrass you half to death when you are older and you may think he is the biggest idiot sometimes, but he's the greatest guy you'll ever meet," Quinn said before turning to look at Beth in the incubator. She looks to the picture of a clown pig Puck had drawn and hung up in her incubator. 'It'll remind her of home,' he had said. She thought it was kind of stupid, but she didn't have the heart to take it down.
"You know Beth, I don't fall in love. I don't think it's possible for me to ever fall in love. I don't think my heart with ever get there. But I can fall in like and maybe even deeply in like. I think I could like your dad," she paused before reaching in the incubator to brush Beth's arm for the first time. "I think I already like you, though."
Anne watched from the other side of the room as Quinn talked and touched Beth for the first time. She silently celebrated the moment.
The doctor in the NICU explained what was happening with Beth and how they were doing their best to improve her way of life. They explained how the tube that helped her breathe oscillates fast and does little damage. Quinn cringed at the thought that it did any damage at all. Beth was already fighting for her life, so why make it harder for her?
"I don't want any of this!" Quinn shouted from her seat.
"Any of what, Quinn?" Puck tried to speak softly to calm Quinn down.
"The tubes, the monitors and the machines. I want it all gone and taken out of her."
"Quinn, without all that stuff she would die. You already know that, so why are you yelling at me?"
"Well my womb rejected her, so maybe that's what's supposed to happen, Puck. Maybe she is supposed to die and we're just not letting her."
"Quinn, I think you are just tired. I think you need to go home for a bit and get out of this room. You've been in the same gown and robe for the past week. Maybe you just need a good bath, and good night's sleep and a fresh change of clothes to clear your mind."
She didn't want to agree, but all of those things sounded equally good to her right now. She needed to get away from these machines and these doctors and this hospital. She needed a moment of clarity to breathe and get her mind back on track.
Puck helped her pack up her things and helped her get to her apartment. He was even nice enough to run her bath before he ran back to the hospital to sit with Beth.
She rushes back to the hospital after getting a call that she should come in. It is an extremely hot day in New Haven, and having to walk to the hospital in no easy fate. When she finally gets out of the sun and through the doors, she sees Anne sitting in the waiting room with an oily scalp and tear stained cheeks. She was sure she looked no better herself a few hours prior.
She walks over to the woman, who has now stood up, and pulls her into a hug. She can feel the weight of the woman in her arms as Anne continues to sob on Quinn's shoulder. Quinn does her best to comfort the woman by patting her back before questioning, "Joey?"
Quinn opens the door to see Puck sitting in the private room down the hall of the NICU. He sits in a plastic chair and cradles Beth in a small yellow blanket that she had gotten from her baby shower. The only thing she can see of Beth is her small face, and she can't help but notice with the absence of tubes how much she looks like Puck.
She softly closes the door, not to disturbed the scene in front of her, but still remains planted there. She listens as Puck softly sings to the tiny, lifeless girl in his arms.
Beth I hear you calling
But I can't come home right now
Me and the boys are playing
And we just can't find the sound
Just a few more hours
And I'll be right home to you
I think I hear them calling
Oh Beth what can I do?
Beth what can I do?
She managed to make her way across the room to sit in the plastic chair next to Puck. She used her fingers to push the blanket back a little bit to get a better look at Beth's face. She ran her fingers over the soft cap that they give newborns to keep their head warm, now a memento to remember their lost child. She is sure that the bottoms of Beth's feet are still black from the ink that they use to make footprints with for certificates as well as another memento.
"Do you want to hold her?" Puck asked.
She ignored him and continued to run her fingers over Beth's skin. She pushed the blanket further and ran the pads of her fingers over the soft spot of Beth's chest. She paused, almost waiting for the heartbeat, but she knew she will never feel it.
"I don't love you," she said to Puck, expecting him to say 'I don't love you, too.'
"Why?" he asked with tears in his eyes.
"Oh, but I liked her," she said with tears in her own eyes. "I really liked her."
Puck used one of his arms to pull Quinn close to him. Quinn pulled Puck as close as possible, almost as if she was afraid that she was going to lose him too, and cried into his chest. There in that private room, he held the two most important things in his life. It was the imperfect picture of the imperfect family.
"Well, that's something," he managed to get out.
"I really like you, too," Quinn spoke softly, almost as if she didn't want Puck to hear.
"I love you, too, Quinn."
How was it? I know it was a little sad (I may have teared up a little while writing this), but let me know if I should write more Quick in the future. I promise I can write happier things as well ;)
If you ever have ideas, leave me a review or message me on tumblr: starxxcrossed and you know the rest.