"I believe this is your first time missing a class, Severus" Albus Dumbledore said as he let his blue eyes wander along the many shelves and book-cases that cluttered the Potion Masters private chambers, making it appear even smaller and more closed-in that it actually was.
"We couldn't find anyone to replace you" he smiled, turning his attention to the man who sat in a chair across from him "So I'm afraid you student's got the afternoon off"
Severus didn't bother to comment on this statement. He looked more yellowish then usual, his hair even worse that normal, and he was still slightly trembling. The Dark Lords wrath had been terrible that previous night. A chill would run down his spine at the mere thought of it. He noticed dully that Albus smile for once seemed a little strained, and his blue eyes shimmered with something other then his usual energy.
"How are you feeling, Severus?" Albus asked in genuine concern, something Snape loathed.
"I am merely not as young as I used to be" he answered "The curses take a greater toll on my body this time around"
"Yes, it is the curse of the young to never know the full vitality of their bodies" Albus mused, gripping his glass of fire-whiskey with his one hand that was not withered and black "And it is the curse of the elderly to remember that ignorance"
Severus eyes snapped to the headmaster. Was he avoiding the subject, or making jokes on his behalf?
Albus sipped at the whiskey, absently staring at a point just above the Potion Masters head.
"But you are not yet old, Severus" he murmured.
"Yet I expect these to be the last years of my life" Snape answered, and looked Dumbledore straight in the eye, as he so often would.
Albus had always appreciated that strong gaze of his staff-member, Severus was one of few people which he couldn't stare down. Not even in his days as a student would he avert his eyes.
"It does not have to be so" Albus said "You can still live a long life"
"After what you will have me do?" Severus gave a joyless laugh "Are you trying to humour me, sir?"
"I am trying not to make you loose all hope" the Headmaster replied.
Again Severus laughed, cold and short. The only way he ever laughed, bitterly.
"Please, sir, I am no fool wallowing in awe of my own abilities" he said, smiling grimly "I know I survived the last time around on luck as much as skill, and on the fact that the Dark Lord was so sure about his own supremacy that he would never consider me to be more accomplished at occlumency then he was at legiamens. He is not so foolish this time"
Albus opened his mouth but Severus raised one hand and continued before he had time to voice a protest.
"If" he said, voice sharpened "If, by chance or luck, the Dark Lord does not finally se though my charade and end my life, the Order will certainly set out to kill me after I have acted out your grand plan"
"I whish it would be different, Severus, I do" Albus said and Snape had no doubt that he was being truthful "But I can not inform the Order of our plans. They are not nearly as skilled at closing their minds to alien forces as you are…"
Again, he his humouring me, Severus thought.
"And if it is dragged from their minds, the entire plan will be for naught" the Headmaster continued, absently stroking his dead hand with his healthy one "But if you manage to keep away long enough for it to play it's course, and Voldemort is defeated…"
"I will find myself at the council of Wizengamont again, but with no honoured Order of Merlin - First Class-member to vouch for my loyalty" Severus finished "And then I will spend my remaining 'long life' in Azkaban, which frankly, would be worse then death"
"I have made certain preparations for my death, Severus" Albus answered, sounding not angry, but merely cold "There is a memory which I have stored in a safe place, and my will states that when Voldermort…"
"If you would be so kind as to refrain from speaking his name, sir" Severus hissed, the memory of that nights horrors still fresh in his mind.
"Very well" Albus bowed his head slightly "It states that when he-who-must-not-be-named is defeated, the memory should be seen and it vouches, among other things, for your loyalty"
"Then we can only hope that I am not dead or have already been exposed by the Dementors kiss when this glorious time arises" Severus said with bitter irony.
"It is my dying whish that it will all play out for the best" Albus said truthfully.
There was silence between them for a while as they both started into the fire-place watching the flames licking the stone and thinking about times to come.
"I am not afraid of dying, Albus" Severus said solemnly.
"Funny, I am" Albus answered, lazily making the bottle pour him another glass of whiskey "And yet I am much older then you, and should, all stereotypes considered, be wiser"
"Maybe you are, sir"
"Maybe I am, dear Severus" Albus sighted and their eyes once again met.
Severus mused about how much he hated the man, and yet, the task laid before him might be the hardest thing he would ever have to do. He hated Albus for picking him, for trusting in him to do this, to be the one to end his life in the name of the great Cause. Severus didn't fear death, because since that night so many years ago, when Albus had come to him and told him about Lilys passing, he hadn't felt like he deserved life. He was his saviour and his tormentor, the only one that knew all the truths and the only one Severus was comfortable talking with. And he loathed the man. He hated his piercin eyes and warming smile. He hated his compassion and his resentment alike. But most of all he hated Albus convictions.
"We are not men controlled by fear, you and I" Albus said softly, his eyes piercing Severus soul.
"Then what are we controlled by, sir?" Severus asked, remembering that Lucius had said the same thing about him once, when they had been students.
"Guilt, I would think" Albus answered, once again turning his attention to the dancing flames "I have always thought that is why we seek each others company. We both know how it feels, to live life in the reflection of old actions and misdeeds. That is why I trust you, Severus"
The potion master said nothing in response to this, there was nothing more to say. They both sat silent, sipping the strong alcohol, lost in memories of girls with sparkling eyes and young men with blonde curls. Lost in life's lived in regrett.
AUTHORS NOTES; For once I have nothing to say! Enjoy the rare silence! If you've read this far, please Review if you find the 15 seconds it takes to do so. XD
Untill next time