This is possibly the weirdest story I've ever written... I don't know why it's the weirdest, it just feels really strange. The ending was a bit cheesier than I'd planned, and I still think that maybe I made the wrong choice, but happy endings will out! I'm still updating my other story "Like Mother Like Daughter Like Father Like Son", this isn't a replacement. I've been writing this when that story started doing my head in. I really don't know about this one though, there's a shift in tone and things about three-quarters of the way in, and I really don't know if I like it. Brilliant advert aren't I?! Still, I thought I'd post anyway to see if anyone can help me figure out exactly what happened.
When he finally broke through again, she knew without having to be told. Five years had passed and she'd moved on. She'd moved out of Pete's house and into her own flat. Even though her dad's palatial mansion had had room enough for all of them, and then some, after the twins had been born, Rose had found herself in the way more often than not. Her mum would never have said anything, and had cried bitterly the evening Rose had announced her intention to leave.
"But you can't go!" she'd wailed, more hysterical than Rose had ever seen her. All those years of travelling and leaving her mum behind, and it was only now that Rose felt truly guilty. Jackie had always maintained a solid exterior until now.
Pete had left the room. Rose knew he found scenes like this difficult. Maybe he'd never fully detach himself from the old Jackie, his Jackie. He loved her mother, loved her more than Rose could ever quantify, but he struggled to be her husband at times. Rose could identify with that; she found it hard to be his daughter sometimes.
"Mum, I'm only moving down the road," she'd said, brushing hair back off Jackie's face. "You'll hardly know I'm gone, I swear, I'll be popping back in again all the time, to see the twins and you and Dad. It'll be like I never even left."
Jackie sniffed. "Then why do you need to go? Have we done something wrong?"
Looking at her at the moment, Rose had felt like Jackie's mother rather than the other way around. This was all new and strange to Jackie still, this time travelling thing. Shifting universes, leaving people behind; Jackie was a home-bird, she always had been. She hadn't moved more than ten miles in her entire life, and now she was light years from home, with a strange new husband and two children she never thought she'd have. Rose was the last scrap of sanity she had left. But Rose was going quietly insane here.
"It's not you, Mum, I'd never leave because of you," she said, kindly and patiently, and not entirely truthfully. "I just need to move out, to stand on my own two feet. I'm ready."
Jackie looked at her grown-up daughter and knew it was true; Rose was twenty-one, she had her own life to lead. For so long, she'd been hiding in the corners of Pete's house, trying to lick her wounds quietly, without being noticed. But she was young, she was stunning; she needed to move on.
Within a year of moving out, Rose barely recognised her life. That emptiness that had lingered inside her since being left on that beach was never entirely gone, but she could find things to fill her up. She had no choice but to live a new life. She threw herself in her job. For a few months she virtually lived at the office, until her mum saw the weight she'd lost.
"You need to look after yourself," she'd nagged one Sunday when Rose was sitting with baby Matthew on her knee, pulling faces to make him laugh. "Rose, are you listening?"
"Yes!" Rose turned her attention to her mum. "Mum, I'm fine. Honestly."
"You're looking very thin."
"I've been working hard. It wasn't like I couldn't stand to lose a few pounds anyway, you spoiled me when I was living here."
"All I'm saying is, you need to take care of yourself." Jackie hesitated before adding, "He wouldn't want you to pine away."
Rose looked up from the baby sharply and caught Jackie's eye. She held her gaze. "I know," she said softly. She looked away abruptly and stood up. "I'll take this little fellow to see his daddy," she said, leaving the room in a hurry. The conversation was closed.
For another couple of months, Rose lost part of herself. Always so sensible and in control, she found herself night after night propping up a bar in some area of town, the last one standing out of all her acquaintances. It felt nice to be noticed finally, to have some sort of importance to people if only for a night, until the hangover kicked in and she was forced to drag herself out of a stranger's bed, head thumping and her guilt following her like a malignant spirit. She didn't visit her mum and dad much during that time; every morning she felt so ashamed, she wouldn't have been able to look them in the eye or play with her brother and sister. Tired of her life and this endless waiting and wondering, she preferred to escape, to become someone else other than Rose Tyler. Only she didn't like this new girl. She was silly and reckless and selfish and slutty. It all ended one night when she bumped into Mickey.
She saw his look of disgust as she walked into him, giggling hysterically and hanging off the arm of a man. She forgot his name. Deep down she was ashamed of letting him see her like this; it had been a long time since she'd dared call him, afraid of what he would think of the new her. And now they met like this.
"Rose." He looked her up and down. "You look… nice."
"So do you!" she said cheerfully, wobbling in her high heels. "Long time no see! We'll have to meet up for a drink some time!"
"Yeah. How about now?"
Rose looked at her companion pointedly. "I'm a bit tied up now, Mickey. Maybe another time, I'll call you."
"No, now." Mickey caught her other arm. He fixed the other guy with a glare. "Hope you don't mind me cutting in."
"No!" Rose wailed, suddenly afraid of what was happening. She'd been doing this for so long it was like a routine; the following guilt had become her constant companion, wrapping her in its warm and smothering hold.
"Rose," Mickey warned her. She looked him in the eye and saw there was more than disgust in there. There was pity too. The one thing she didn't want, couldn't handle, was sympathy. And it was written all over his face. Like a lamb, she let go of Nameless Man's hand and followed Mickey all the way back to his flat.
They didn't sit up and talk. Rose had nothing to say. Instead, she cried into Mickey's shoulder, endlessly and soundlessly, with no real cause to it. Finally she'd fallen asleep and awoke the next morning, hungover and feeling incredibly embarrassed but guilt-free. Mickey into the room, carrying a strong cup of coffee. For a while he'd sat on the edge of the bed, as she gingerly sipped the hot liquid, testing to see if her body could cope with anything.
"How long has this been going on?" he asked finally.
Rose felt her cheeks burning and shrugged awkwardly.
Mickey sighed. "Rose… promise me you won't do it again."
She nodded.
"He'd hate it if anything happened to you."
She looked away and Mickey took the hint.
For a while, she stopped going out at all, scared to put herself in the way of temptation. She spent more time with her family, wanting to find herself again. This was who Rose Tyler was, Jackie and Pete's daughter, Matthew and Lily's sister. She had more now than ever before, it was more than a lot of people had. She was grateful.
Pete was a nice man. Her expectations of her father had waned somewhat since she was a child, especially after meeting him; he wasn't perfect, but who was? He loved her mum and his children and that was good enough for her. He was even able to extend that love to her.
"Thanks for this, by the way," Pete said, straightening his tie. "I mean, the invitation said Pete and Jackie and family… you could have come if you wanted you know."
"It's alright" Rose shook her head, and meaning it. She had no desire to join the social gathering that was happening that evening. "What are big sisters for? Anyway, I like babysitting them."
Pete looked at her. "You should have some fun, you know, Rose. You've been spending an awful lot of time around here lately." Seeing the look of hurt on her face, he quickly qualified what he'd said. "Not that we don't love having you here. Your mum would keep you for always if she could." He ruffled her hair playfully. "She really misses you, you know. We both do."
Rose nodded. "I know. But I had to leave."
"I know," Pete agreed. "I understand. You need to live your own life. So start living it, Rose. He'd want you to."
Rose's eyes fixed back onto the television screen. Pete left the room to search for Jackie. No more was said.
Tentatively she'd begun going out again, often with Mickey by her side. Gradually she became more confident, having nights out with a few of the girls from work. And that was how, within a year of moving into her own flat, she'd met Luke Burton.
Luke who worked in a nice safe banking job, interviewing people who wanted mortgages and loans, people who wanted to settle down. Luke who she'd met in a bar one night, left alone whilst one of her workmates had nipped to the toilet, leaving Rose to get the drinks in. Luke who had struck up a conversation with her about the slow service. Luke who'd stuck by her all night until she'd left, tipsy and giggling, after swapping numbers. Luke who'd text her before she got in her own front door, asking what she was doing the following evening. Luke who she hadn't spent a night apart from since.
Until last night. Last night had been endless, she'd found it so hard to sleep in her old bed back at Pete and Jackie's house. Everything felt wrong; cold and hard and lumpy and not her place to be anymore. Finally morning had come and she'd dragged herself out of bed, looking terrible. She didn't know why. The dreams she'd had in the disconnected spells of sleep last night had been strange. And yet familiar. This morning she couldn't quite grasp what it was she'd seen and heard, everything was so fleeting and slippery she couldn't get a firm hold on it. She tired of trying after a few minutes, as she sat at her old dressing table, looking at herself in the mirror.
Thankfully she wasn't left alone too long, as her bedroom door opened tentatively and Jackie poked her head around.
"Oh you're up!" she said, pushing the door open fully. "How are you today, sweetheart? Nervous?"
Rose shook her head. "No, I'm fine. I didn't sleep too well."
"Oh that's normal! When I married your father, I didn't sleep for a week beforehand!"
"Which time?" Rose pointed out wryly.
"Both," Jackie replied as she put down the cup of tea she was holding on the dressing table and picked up a hairbrush and absent-mindedly began brushing Rose's hair. Rose let her carry on even though her mum was tugging hard at the knots in it. This was exactly what Jackie used to do when she was younger, trying out different hairstyles on her daughter for "research purposes". Rose just hoped that her mother would stick to what they'd already agreed upon for today.
"Rose?"
Rose jerked herself back awake, aware she'd been daydreaming for a long time.
"Rose, are you alright?" Jackie frowned, looking at her daughter in the mirror. "You don't feel ill or anything do you?"
"No," Rose began, before realising that she did feel a bit… well, not ill exactly just not right. She couldn't pinpoint the exact problem, and she knew she'd sound silly if she tried to describe it to her mum. It felt like she wasn't entirely connected this morning, like her arms and legs didn't belong to her and like her head was off in a different room somewhere. She didn't feel sick as such, or even have a headache, which was strange considering the lack of sleep she'd had. It was more like an all over numbness wrapping round her.
"Sweetheart, you've gone ever so pale," Jackie remarked and felt Rose's forehead. "You don't feel too hot though."
"I'm fine, Mum," Rose insisted, standing up and making her way over to where her dress was hanging in a protective wrapping on the outside of her wardrobe. She ran her hand over the silk. It was a gorgeous dress, she adored it. She began pulling it out of the bag as Pete came in.
"Morning love," he said. He looked awkward and on edge. It could have been any number of things, Rose knew he more than a little wound up about giving her away that day; he'd never imagined he'd see a daughter of his get married. And there could have been any number of things wrong with Luke, or with the cars or the venue or anything… and yet she knew instinctively it wasn't any of those things. She knew somehow it was all linked, her dreams and her numbness and everything.
"Is something wrong?" Jackie asked her husband.
Pete shuffled his feet anxiously. "Um, the office called," he said gingerly. "They said…"
Jackie interrupted. "No, you're not! You're not just disappearing off to work! It's your daughter's wedding day, doesn't that mean anything to you? You can't just run off and sort out whatever stupid mess they've got themselves into! Surely they can manage without you for one day, just one day!"
Rose waited for her mum to draw breath before she spoke, her voice low and calm. "What is it?" she asked, her eyes not moving off her dad's face.
Pete turned his eyes towards her and she knew. She knew what it was. Without him saying a word, she knew what had happened.
Jackie looked at Pete impatiently. "Well? What is it?"
"It's him, isn't it?" Rose's voice was thick and clogged up her throat. "He's back."
Once Pete had gone, Rose stood for a few seconds, staring at where he'd been. Then she turned round and continued pulling her dress out of the bag, carefully laying it out on the bed. She reached for her dressing gown and pulled it on over her pyjamas, flipping her blonde hair out over the top.
Jackie waited a long time before speaking. "Rose, where are you going?" she asked eventually.
"To have a bath. I won't be long. Then you can give Lily a bath, I want my flower-girl clean and shiny." Rose laughed.
"But…?" Jackie looked utterly bemused. "Rose, what about…?"
"I don't have time for this right now, Mum," Rose replied, heading for the door.
"But Rose…!"
"Now isn't a good time." Rose turned back to look at her mum. "Just drop it."
Rose could hear them talking outside the door, muffled against the solid wood. She wasn't sure what was frustrating her more; that they were talking at all, that she couldn't hear what they were saying, or that she knew exactly what they were saying without hearing a word. She took a deep breath and sank under the water, her hair fanning out. She'd been under less than ten seconds before someone hammered on the door.
"Rose? Rose, you've been in there ages. Are you okay?" It was Jackie, sounding concerned and trying to hide it. Probably imagining her daughter lying in a blood-filled bath; Rose knew from the whispered conversations she'd walked into over the years that her mother had more than once been terrified Rose would end it all.
Rose hastily came up and pulled the plug. "Yeah, I'm fine," she called back. "I'm just coming out."
As she opened the door, pulling her wet hair back off her face, she was faced with her mum and Mickey. They both looked at her anxiously, wavering smiles on their faces, scared to say or do anything. It was like five years ago all over again. A wave of anger washed over her and she had to clench her teeth together for a moment. Now wasn't the time to succumb to anger.
"You were taking a long time, sweetheart," Jackie said over-brightly. "Everything okay?"
"Fine." Rose nodded briefly. "I'm just going to go and dry my hair."
"Mickey's come to help," Jackie said needlessly. "I called him after your dad left. Just in case."
Rose didn't reply. She returned to her room and sat down at her dressing table. She began blow-drying her hair without another word, even when Mickey came in the door behind her. He stood, watching her for a long time, until she flicked the off switch. Then he spoke.
"Rose, are you okay?"
She plastered a smile on her face, annoyed to have to do it. "I'm fine. Great."
"But…" He looked puzzled. "Your mum said-"
"You know Mum, lot of fuss over nothing." Rose shrugged and pulled a brush through her hair.
"But Rose, she said…"
"Mickey." Rose's eyes flickered to meet his in the mirror. "Not now."
"But-"
Turning on her friend with a surprising amount of vehemence, Rose glared at him. "Mickey, today is my wedding day. I'm getting married to Luke. I don't need to be thinking about anything else other than that, okay? Just forget whatever Mum's told you, it's not important." Without waiting for any response she turned the hairdryer back on and continued drying her hair. Mickey left the room without another word.
She felt proud of herself, for holding it together all morning. As she sat in the car with her mum, sister, brother and Mickey, she knew they all thought she was behaving oddly, but she didn't care. She'd managed to get ready, to have her hair done with the minimum amount of fuss and to get into her dress without answering any questions. She'd had photos taken in the garden with her mum and with Matthew and Lily. It had almost seemed normal at one point, as Jackie griped about Pete's absence.
"I'll kill him, for spoiling your big day like this, he should be here!" she moaned, before it all became surreal again and she'd tried to bring the subject up for the thousandth time.
But Rose wasn't budging. Today was her wedding day, she was marrying Luke, the man she loved, the one who would stand by her through anything. It was about them loving each other more than anyone else, vowing to spend their lives together. It was normal, it was what people did. She wanted that. It was all she'd wanted to hang on to all morning, despite both Jackie and Mickey's best attempts to get her to discuss what they thought she should be worrying about.
She'd managed it; she was on her way to the church. Jackie, though still looking at her anxiously, had stopped asking if she was alright. Mickey was entertaining Matthew who had no interest in the events of the day and was complaining bitterly about the stiff new shirt he was wearing. He was going to be a handful, Rose thought. Pete could usually handle his wayward son; it was a shame he wasn't here.
Looking at the clock on the dashboard, Rose knew she was running late, despite her best efforts. Still, it was the bride's prerogative to be late to her own wedding, she knew Luke wouldn't mind. No point getting worked up over it. Best just to sit back and relax and enjoy the ride.
And then it hit her.
As they pulled up outside the church, she took a deep breath and looked up at the church. She'd visited it dozens of times before today, organising all kinds of things, and yet it felt like she'd only looked at it for the first time today. It had looked so familiar to many times, like something she'd seen in a dream once. And one church looked much the same as another, it had completely washed over her. But it wasn't just another church. It was… oh God, it was…
"Are you ready?" She came to, to see Mickey holding her door open, offering her his hand. He was giving her away as Pete was unable to make it. Mickey was good at giving her away; he'd had enough practice. Rose tentatively took his hand and stepped out of the car.
He began leading the way up to the church before she found her voice.
"No." It was faint and distant, but it was there, and both Mickey and Jackie heard her. They looked at her in alarm.
"Rose?" Jackie asked. "Rose, are you okay?"
Rose looked up at the church again and wondered why she'd been so stupid so many times. How could she have forgotten?
"Rose, sweetheart, what's wrong?" Jackie put an arm around her eldest child, worry etched across her face.
Rose turned her head to look at her mum. "Mum, this church, it's…"
"What?"
"It's…" Rose swallowed hard. Unable to find the right words to express it all, desperate to prove she wasn't losing it, she appealed to her. "Mum, don't you recognise it?"
"Rose, of course I do." Jackie frowned. "We've been here before, haven't we, loads of time."
"No, not like that!" Rose shook her head, annoyed and suddenly feeling weak and lost. "Look again, Mum! Really look!"
Jackie looked. "Rose, I…" She shrugged.
"Sarah Clarke's wedding, Mum!" Rose nearly shouted. "Do you remember that?"
Jackie's face drained of all colour and she turned to look at the church again. Then she turned to look at her daughter. "Rose, I don't understand. How…?"
"It's the same, Mum, it's all the same!" Rose dropped Mickey's arm and stepped backwards. "The same church, everything…"
Mickey looked at his friend. "Rose, what are you talking about?"
Rose didn't reply immediately. When she did, it had nothing to do with what Mickey had said. "Give me your phone," she demanded, holding her hand out.
"Rose!"
"Give me your phone!"
Mickey handed it over.
"I need to go." Rose turned round, already dialling a number.
"Rose!" Jackie exclaimed. "What about Luke? Where are you going? What should we tell them, are you coming back… what's going on?"
Rose held the phone to her ear as it started ringing. "I don't know, I need to go, I need to just…"
Lily tugged on her mother's jacket. "Mummy, where's Rosie going?"
Jackie ignored her younger daughter. "Rose, you can't just walk away from your own wedding!"
"Mum, just for once, will you let me do something for me?" Rose shot back. She instantly felt bad; she'd done nothing but things for herself for years. But it all felt so unreal, like a film or a third-rate drama, full of tension and grand displays of emotion, that she found herself playing completely into the genre. "I'm sorry, I've got to go," she concluded, as she got back into the car.
"Decided not to get married?" the driver of the car asked. It was obviously the most exciting thing to have happened to him for some time; Rose felt pleased that at least someone was finding the whole thing fun.
"Can we just drive please?" she replied, refusing to look out the window at Mickey or Jackie.
"Where to?"
"I… I don't know just yet, I'm waiting for directions," she admitted. The phone was still ringing, on and on, in her ear. Pete was taking forever to pick up. She found herself gritting her teeth, willing him to answer and tell her what she needed to know. "Just start driving and we'll sort it out later."
Finally the phone clicked.
"Mickey?" Pete sounded confused and more than a little worried.
"No, Dad, it's me," Rose replied, and continued straight on before he could get a word in. "Dad, I need to know. Where is he?"
There was a long silence. "Rose, you know I can't tell you that."
Rose's heart skipped a beat. "What do you mean?"
"It's classified information, I can't just dish it out to people. We still need to send our own people down to investigate, it might not be safe."
"Of course it's safe!" Rose exclaimed. "And I'm not 'people', I'm your daughter, I'm…" She tailed off. What was she?
"Rose, love, I wish I could tell you, but I can't. It would be completely against the rules."
Rose had been determined not to lose her temper with her dad as well as her mum that day, but sometimes determination wasn't enough. "Dad, I've just walked out of my wedding, walked out on a wonderful man, and now you say you won't tell me where he is? I have to know!"
Another long pause. Finally Pete spoke again, his voice tinged with a strange tone that Rose couldn't quite identify at first. "I'm sorry, Rose, it's outside my abilities to tell you where he is. Like you said, he could be anywhere, like the riverside or Greenwich or, you know, even retracing his past haunts. Where was it you met him?"
"At work, at the shop," Rose said, missing the point initially. Then she stopped. "You mean…?"
"I mean I'm sorry, I can't tell you where he is," Pete repeated himself. "My battery's running out, I'll have to go. Bye, Rose." Then he added, in an undertone, "Good luck, I'll hold them off as long as I can. I love you."
The line went dead and Rose sat quietly for an instant. Finally, the driver turned back to look at her as they waited at traffic lights.
"So, where is the runaway bride headed?" he asked cheerfully.
"Oxford Street," Rose said, half in a daze. "Henriks department store."
Henriks was a large department store, larger in this universe than the last, but Rose knew where he'd be. Aware of the odd looks she was getting in her wedding dress, she threw her shoulders back and walked round the side of the building. He'd been right all those years ago; parallel universes weren't that removed from each other. She punched in the code she'd used all those years ago to the staff entrance and the door opened with the minimum of effort from her. She remembered the route down to the basement and slipped as silently as she could downstairs, hoping no one would find her.
She found the TARDIS first. It was like a bolt from the past, even though she'd known she'd be there, the faithful old girl that she was. Rose resisted a rash urge to run over and hug the police box, to make sure it was all real. Those would be the actions of a real mad woman. But it meant he must be here. It was true. He was back.
Suddenly she became anxious. What if he wasn't him anymore? What if he'd changed again? What if he wasn't alone? The thought of a replacement for herself had never even crossed her mind, but she knew now that it should have done. He'd be lonely without someone to fill in the endless days and weeks of his life. This was all wrong; she shouldn't be here, looking for some changed man who she'd lost years ago, when she should be getting married to a man she loved and who loved her. For the first time, she wondered what Luke had been told, and she felt a pang of guilt. Not enough to make her turn Mickey's phone back on though.
She ventured further through the basement, giving the mannequins down there a wide berth. Her dress rustled and she felt annoyance that the bottom was getting ruined by the layers of dust and dirt on the floor. It had cost a fortune, she couldn't believe she was wasting it down here…
"Rose?"
She looked up from inspecting her hemline and there he was. She'd been planning this moment in her head for ages, ever since he'd left her on that beach. She'd imagined where and when and how it would happen, and what he'd say and what she'd say and what she'd be wearing and what she'd be doing when he finally came back. But it was all wrong; this wasn't how it had been in her head.
But there he was, stepping out from the shadows, in that same old suit, the same old face and hands and ears and everything. Same old stupid messy untidy hair. The same questions in his eyes.
She shook her hair out of her eyes. "You're back," she said, as calmly as she knew how.
"Yes." He nodded, not taking his eyes off of her. "I… I had no idea," he said, gesturing towards her outfit with a nod of his head.
Rose smoothed the dress down. "No, how could you?" she agreed.
"Today?"
"Yes. Today." Though it was obvious, people didn't wear wedding dresses for practice runs.
He looked surprised and passed a hand over his face. "Mickey?" His voice was strained, as though he had never imagined he'd say it.
Rose smiled and shook her head. "No. You don't know him."
The Doctor paused for a second before smiling weakly back at her. "I suppose congratulations would be the thing to say."
"Probably."
He didn't say it though. Just like he'd never said goodbye or… that other thing. They stood awkwardly for a few moments. Rose fussed with the skirt on her dress some more, and she was reminded of how Lily had pranced around in her dress this morning. Poor kid. She'd been promised a starring role in this wedding. She didn't know why, but she felt more guilty about letting her little sister down than letting Luke down.
"How did you know where to find me?"
"Dad. He knew from work."
He nodded. "Right. How long has it been?"
"Five years." Five years, three months, two weeks, four days and about six hours to be strictly precise. But that wasn't important really.
"Wow." The Doctor stepped towards the TARDIS and inspected a slight dent on her. "That's a long time."
"How long has it been with you?"
He shrugged. "Oh you know."
She didn't. But she let it slide. What did it really matter how long she'd been gone? The fact was she had been gone, and whether it had been five weeks or five centuries back in that universe, it made little difference to her here.
"How's it all been?"
Rose nodded. "Yeah, good." She didn't know what else to say. From the look in his eyes and the unspoken hope in his voice, she knew it was what he wanted to hear. He didn't want to hear about those nights she'd cried herself to sleep, or simply stayed up all night unable to close her eyes for fear of falling into yet another nightmare about those long seconds when she'd thought it was all over for her. She didn't want to tell him she'd found herself adrift from everything in the last few years, clinging on to anything to keep herself anchored, to remind her that this was where she was now and that she had to stay here. That she had no choice but to stay here. She supposed she could have left London, moved abroad, somewhere hot and sunny, where the rain never fell and ruined picnics. She could have become anyone she wanted, someone other than Rose Tyler. She couldn't tell him she'd wanted to vanish inside herself and never come back out again.
"How about you?" She could ask that.
He shrugged. "Oh, the usual."
"She looks good." Rose nodded towards the TARDIS. "Not too battered up for once."
"Yeah, she's been running pretty well actually. Until today." Catching her eye, he continued unsurely. "I mean… she sort of…"
"Landed here accidentally." Rose finished the sentence for him. Of course. Now she thought about it, it had to have been an accident. That was the way the Doctor worked, never looking back, never retracing his steps and trying all over again. Always moving on. "I guessed as much."
"It wasn't that…" Rose had to admit that there was a certain pleasure in seeing him at a loss for words. It happened so very rarely, it was a treat to watch. Even as she felt her heart breaking all over again. "Rose, it wasn't that I didn't want to come and visit. I just… I had no idea it was even possible."
"You? No idea?" Rose teased lightly. "How unusual."
"I thought it was impossible."
"It wouldn't be the first time you were wrong."
"No." He met her eyes guiltily. "I know."
Silence fell in the basement. Rose could hear people in the room next door shifting boxes and hurling good natured abuse at each other.
"I've locked the doors." He spoke like he could hear her thoughts. "They can't get through here."
Rose nodded. "Right. I suppose seeing us here would be a bit weird." She looked down at her dress. "Especially in this."
He smiled, a sad smile that she recognised from the last time she'd seen him. "What's his name?"
"Luke. Luke Burton."
"Rose Burton. It sounds…" He tailed off.
"Go on. Say it," she challenged him.
"Say what?"
"I don't know. Whatever poorly veiled disgusted insult you're going to come up with." She ventured a smile herself. "I'm guessing you haven't changed that much. You managed to keep the same face at least."
He smiled back, a proper smile that reached his eyes. "Yeah. Well, when you're this pretty, you've got to be careful, haven't you?"
"Yep. Still as vain."
"I'm not vain!"
"And deluded." Rose grinned. "Same old Doctor."
He smiled again. "Yeah. Same old Doctor." She heard the unspoken words in the air. Different Rose. She wanted to yell at him then. It wasn't her fault she'd changed, it wasn't her fault that he had been able to carry on living the life he loved whilst she, stupid ape, had to stay behind and just dream of what had been. But his next words put paid to all her strength and anger and bitter words that were on the tip of her tongue. "You look beautiful."
As she met his eye, her voice cracked, unable to keep her brave face up any longer. "Thank you."
"I mean it. You look…" He shook his head. "You've always looked beautiful. Rose…" He took a step towards her.
But Rose stepped backwards. "No."
"No?"
"No." She gulped. "Doctor, I can't do this, I'm… I'm supposed to be getting married, I…" She thought about Luke again and it was like someone stabbing her in the heart. "I shouldn't be here," she concluded sadly.
"But you are."
"Of course I am! How could I not come?" she demanded angrily, feeling tears rising into her eyes and not even trying to hide them. "How could I just… just forget about you?"
The Doctor didn't reply immediately but leaned nonchalantly against the TARDIS, deep in thought. Finally he said, "Is Luke a good bloke?"
"The best." Rose nodded. If it hadn't been for Luke, she didn't know what she'd have done. She was on self-destruct, ready for the end at any minute and not caring about the here and now. Oh, Mickey had pulled her out, and her friends had helped, but deep down, Rose had seen no other way forwards. It was all very well being told he wouldn't want you to pine away, he wouldn't want anything to happen to you, he would want you to live your own life. But what was the point anymore? He was her life, he was all she'd known for two years. He'd been her future and he'd been ripped away. Before Luke, Rose had been putting on a show, pretending to be getting over it and yet knowing that at any second she'd fall and never reach the bottom. Just keep falling and falling into eternity. Luke had stopped that. He'd caught her and broken her fall and given her something to hang onto, a level ground, a safety harness.
The Doctor nodded. "Right. We better get you to that wedding then, hadn't we?" He stepped towards the TARDIS. But Rose didn't follow. He turned back to look at her. "Rose?"
She turned away, her head so confused it physically pounded and hurt.
"Rose, do you want to get married?" The Doctor winced at the unfortunate choice of words. "To Luke, I mean."
Rose smiled weakly. "I… I don't know." She'd been so sure. Her mum had warned her, asked if she was rushing into things.
"No one would blame you if you needed some time, darling, to get to know him, to make sure he's right for you," Jackie had insisted when Rose told her and showed the engagement ring with a mixture of excitement and anxiety. "You've got to be sure. And it's not like you haven't been hurt before."
But Rose had thought she knew better and turned away from her mum. "Of course I'm sure! I love Luke, Mum, I always will, and he loves me. Why can't you just be happy for us?" Behaving like a spoilt child. Rose wished she'd listened.
The Doctor made a snap decision. "Come on." He held out his hand.
Rose frowned. "What? Where are we going?"
"Come inside. We can at least go somewhere else while you decide." The Doctor waggled his fingers teasingly. "Not still creeped out by it, are you?"
Rose laughed. "No, course not." Her hand slid into his and it was like putting on an old familiar and much loved jumper. It fit perfectly. She felt a stab of guilt, feeling like she was betraying Luke by giving her hand so willingly to another man. But maybe it was the Doctor she'd been cheating on all the time. Her head ached with all these thoughts going round her head and she was glad when she found herself guided to her old chair in the console room. She could hear the soft humming of the TARDIS all around her, like she was being welcomed back, and it soothed her throbbing temples. She sat back into the chair; it was like she'd never left.
"You've done her up a bit since I last saw her," she remarked, looking round. It all looked a bit shinier, a bit newer.
"Well, I figured it was time the old girl had a bit of a refit." He shrugged. "New new doctor, new new TARDIS-"
"New new assistant?"
"No." He answered so quickly that at first she never would have believed him. When someone tried to hide something, they were always too keen to protest their innocence. Then she looked up at him, at the emptiness that momentarily appeared on his face, and she knew he was telling the truth.
"No one?"
"There was someone," he admitted finally, awkwardly.
"What was her name?"
"Donna." A smile broke out across his face and Rose fought the green-eyed monster. She had Luke, what right had she to judge or even expect the Doctor to have forsaken all others? The irony of that thought wasn't lost on her as she realised she had missed her own wedding.
"How did you meet her?" It was too late to do anything about it now. And Luke would understand, he'd realise that she had to see him, had to talk to the Doctor one last time.
"She sort of… appeared… in the TARDIS. In a wedding dress. About ten seconds after I left you." The Doctor fiddled with a few buttons on the control panel. "Look, I fixed the dimmer switch on the lights."
Rose ignored his attempt to change the subject. "You what? How did she do that?"
"Long story." He shrugged it off. "Really long."
When Rose spoke again it was with a small voice. "What happened to her?"
"How do you mean?" He looked over at her.
"Is she…?" Rose didn't know what to say. The Doctor had always moved forwards, always left one behind just to find another. For Donna not to be here now, something must have happened to her.
"She's alive. Very much alive." The Doctor smiled again. "She said she was going to go travelling, see the world. I… I offered to take her with me but she didn't want to come."
Rose raised her eyebrows. "Why?" she blurted out before she could stop herself. She couldn't imagine anyone turning the Doctor down, not in a million years.
The Doctor leaned against the control panel with an exasperated look on his face. "She said I scared her. She said she couldn't live her life like that." In the next sentence he tried to remove all the traces of loneliness that had crept into his voice. "Just as well really, she was a bit of a talker, worse than me, and pretty rude too, even by my standards. It would have been hell, I'm telling you, if she'd have come along. Anyway, I'm better off alone." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.
Rose felt her heart tear in two. "No you're not," she said finally. "You're useless on your own," she half-laughed, half-cried. "You get yourself into trouble and can't get out, and you think too much and you become all antisocial and ruder than usual. And you can get a bit carried away," she added.
The Doctor listened to what she had to say and then nodded slowly. "That's what Donna said."
"She sounds like a nice woman, this Donna," Rose said gently.
"She is." He nodded.
"Even if she was a bit gobby," she teased.
The Doctor met her eyes, smiling. "Oh, I like gobby. Never could resist a gobby chav."
"Oi, watch it!" Rose hit his arm playfully. She preened herself again. "I was aiming for elegant today, you know, not chav."
"You look fantastic." The Doctor gazed at her again, like he couldn't get enough of looking at her. "Luke's a lucky man."
Rose snorted. "Yeah, except I'm not with him at the altar, am I? I'm here. With you." She glanced up at him. "Don't suppose you could…?" She gestured towards the time vortex.
"No, that would be-"
"Crossing your own time line. I guessed as much." Rose shrugged. "Worth a shot, I thought."
The Doctor pulled a face. "What are you going to say to him?"
"Luke?" Rose shook her head miserably. "No idea. He… he doesn't really know about you. I mean, he knows that there was a man once that I… But he doesn't know who you are or anything." She stood up again, her feet slightly wobbly but serviceable. "So where have you been since you left me? Go anywhere fun?"
"Here and there." The Doctor wandered round the central console, his hands in his pockets. "I met Charles Dickens again!" Rose smiled. "He didn't recognise me of course. Thought I was from his publishers, told me all about this idea for a story he'd had involving gas monsters."
Rose laughed. "What did you say?"
"I said I thought it was a fantastic idea."
Rose shook her head, still smiling. "Meet anyone else again?"
"Like?" The Doctor raised his eyebrows pointedly. Trust him to make her spell it out.
"Sarah-Jane."
"Nope." He shook his head emphatically.
"Oh!" Rose was surprised.
"I've messed enough with her life." The Doctor looked saddened again. "She wanted me to say goodbye and leave her alone. So I did."
"Do you think that's what she really wanted?"
"I don't know," he replied honestly. "I hope so. What do you think?"
Rose hesitated before nodding. "Yeah. That's what she'd have wanted." She didn't know if it was true or not, but she hadn't the heart to suggest it wasn't and that he'd done the wrong thing yet again.
"Oh, I met Tommy again!" The Doctor beamed. "Remember Tommy?"
"Course I do." Rose nodded eagerly. "How was he?"
"Good, yeah, really good. He was working for the BBC, had a lovely wife and two kids."
"Did he recognise you?"
"Ah, you know Tommy. Smart kid, he wasn't fazed by it." A smile played on the Doctor's lips. "Asked after you."
Rose blushed. "Really?"
"Really. Seems you made quite an impression there, Miss. Tyler."
"Did you… did you tell him what happened?"
"I said you'd gone home."
"Oh. Right."
"Is it?"
"Is it what?"
"Home."
Rose shrugged. "Home's wherever you make it, isn't it?"
"So have you made your home here?"
There it was. The big problem, the niggling worry that had been twitching at the back of her mind forever and she'd just forced away because there was nothing she could do about it. Home was supposed to be somewhere you felt settled and content, where you could relax and feel safe from the outside world. It was supposed to be somewhere you wanted to be, better than anywhere else. That was the problem. Because the only place Rose Tyler had ever felt completely settled and content, knowing she didn't want to be anywhere else with anyone else was right here, where she was right this second. This TARDIS, this wandering man, they were the only home she'd ever known. Life with Jackie and Mickey back on the Powell Estate… that had been alright, she'd been happy, but there'd always been a part of her that had wondered: what if? What if her dad had been alive? What if her mum had decided to remarry? What if Jimmy Stone had turned out to be a nice guy? What if she'd tried harder at school? Then she'd met the Doctor, and like a tap being turned off, all that had stopped. She'd stopped wondering what if, because she didn't need to anymore. She'd learnt from him that things were as they were for some reason, you couldn't change things like that, you just had to let them be. And for the first time in her life, Rose had been content. It was ironic really; her strange wandering lifestyle had provided what everyone had thought she was running away from. Her home.
"Rose?"
Rose closed her eyes slowly, her lids suddenly heavy and her head hurting. When she'd come to this world, she'd resigned herself to it. Eventually. There'd been those weeks and months of her wanting to find her way back, never stopping believing in him. But eventually she'd given in, accepted that this was her life now. But she'd never called it home.
"No. It's not home." Admitting that opened the floodgates and tears spilled out across her dress, leaving black sooty marks on her skirt. She'd have expected most people to come rushing across and hug her. Luke would have, wanting to do anything to stop those tears. The Doctor didn't. He stood to one side, hands in pockets, regarding her. Rose hadn't expected anything different from him though; he'd never been that sort of person, never all touchy feely when she was feeling down.
She smiled through her tears now, sniffing and wiping her face with her hands. "It's funny, you know, cause the only place I've felt at home is… well, it's here." She looked up at him, suddenly shy. "With you," she added in a much softer voice.
The Doctor hesitated before replying. "Do you mean that?"
"Yes!" Rose nodded quickly.
The Doctor nodded and then leaned against the console. "Would you like to come back with me then?"
Rose felt her heart skip a beat. She blinked, wondering if she was imagining it all. "Sorry?"
The Doctor smiled at her shocked face. "I asked if you wanted to come back with me. If you wanted to come home."
Rose looked down at her dress. "But… but I'm supposed to be getting married!"
The Doctor laughed at that. "Yes, to another man, but I'll forgive you that." He raised his eyebrows. "Yes?"
Rose hesitated. A million things flashed through her mind. Her mum and dad, Luke, the twins, Mickey, her job, her friends here… could she really just walk away from them all that easily? They loved her, she loved them. They'd been there at the worst time in her life. But then she looked at the Doctor and she knew she could only answer one way.
"Yes. Yes, it's a yes!" She leapt up and threw her arms around him, and it was like old times. They laughed together and he span her round till she was dizzy. Then he unceremoniously plonked her back down again and began fiddling with levers and knobs.
"What are you doing?" she asked, still beaming, looking over his shoulder excitedly.
The Doctor paused for a second. "The thing is… we… we have to go now."
"Now?"
"Now." He looked down at her. "I can't say how long the energy's going to last, if we don't go now…" He tailed off. "Is that okay?"
Rose frowned, stepping away from him. "Yeah, I mean, sure. I just thought… I thought I'd get a chance to say goodbye to everybody first. But it's cool, we can always come back and visit, can't we?" She met his eye and with a sinking heart realised they couldn't. "Can't we?"
"I can't promise it. This was just, chance, a fluke, tiny gap in time. I can't say I'll ever stumble across another one." He looked at her again. "Rose?"
"I'm fine!" Rose shook her head, still backing away a little. "Just fine. If we can't do it, we can't do it."
"Do you still want to come?"
Rose looked up from the floor. "Yes! Do you still want me to come?"
"Of course!" The Doctor nodded eagerly. Then he stopped and looked at her sadly. "But your mum…"
Rose sighed. "It can't be helped, can it? She'll… she'll understand."
"Rose… she'll never know."
Rose hated to think of that. She'd done it to her mother before, just left without thinking. It had nearly killed Jackie. But this time… there was no other way, no choice… Unless…
She picked Mickey's phone up from where she'd dropped it on the floor.
"How long have we got?" she asked.
"Forever!" The Doctor look suitable cowed at the look Rose gave him and glanced at the screen. "About five minutes."
Rose took a deep breath. Five minutes. She turned the phone back on. There were dozens of voicemail and text messages on it. She cleared the screen and dialled a number.
"Rose?"
"Mum." Rose exchanged glances with the Doctor, who'd jumped unconsciously as he'd heard Jackie's screeching tones from across the TARDIS.
"Rose, where are you?" Jackie demanded. "Everyone's gone home, there was another wedding after yours! We waited as long as we could, but we couldn't wait any longer!"
"I know, Mum, I'm sorry-" But Rose was interrupted again.
"And poor Luke, he's in a right state. The look his mother was giving me! Where are you, love? Do you want me to send Mickey to come and get you?"
"No, Mum, I'm fine."
"Well then, where are you? What happened?" Jackie sounded upset; Rose felt bad for letting her down today.
"I… met someone." Rose couldn't help smiling at the Doctor.
"What? Who? Rose, you're not making any sense!"
"They were right, Mum. The Doctor's here."
"But he said he couldn't come back!"
"Well he was wrong." Rose smiled again as he shot her a filthy look. "Again." She hesitated. "Mum, I love you."
"Oh no!" Jackie must have caught the tone in her voice. "No, Rose you're not just going off again and leaving me here, worried sick! Now you come home right now and you explain everything!"
"Mum, I can't!" Rose felt tears rise in her eyes again. "There's no time, I've barely even got time for this." She sniffed. "If we go now, there's enough energy in the TARDIS to take us back home-"
"What do you mean, home? This is your home!"
"No, Mum, it isn't!" Rose sobbed. "Please, I don't want to argue, not now, I…"
When Jackie spoke again, it was with a much softer tone. "Oh Rosie, sweetheart."
"Mum…"
"What are you going to do?" Jackie too sounded choked with sobs.
"I don't know. Travel. See the world." Rose had barely even thought about the adventures that lay ahead. "I'm sorry, Mum-"
"Don't apologise!" Jackie cut in again. "Don't you ever apologise, sweetheart, not to me, not to anybody. You're a Tyler… we don't do apologies." She laughed shortly. "Rose, I don't want you to apologise. I just want you to… to…"
Rose prompted her. "To what, Mum?"
"To tell me you'll be happy. Will he make you happy?"
A broad smile took over Rose's face, which the Doctor mirrored, with a slightly bemused look on his face. "Yes, Mum. He makes me happier than… than… oh, than anything."
She heard Jackie take a deep breath as though she was trying not to sob. "That's alright then." There was a long pause. "I love you, Rose."
The Doctor cut in. "Rose, we've got to go, now," he said, as the TARDIS began its familiar noise.
"Mum, I love you too! So so much!" Rose could barely speak for the sobs in her throat now. "And can you tell Dad I love him? And Lily and Matthew and Mickey and…" Rose could hardly believe it as the phone went dead in her hand. "Mum? Mum!"
The Doctor gently took the phone out of her hands. "We're out of range. I'm sorry."
Rose put a hand over her mouth to stop the sobs. The Doctor stroked her face.
"Hey. I thought you said I made you happy," he said softly.
"You do, I just…" Rose managed before another sob engulfed her throat. The Doctor cradled her in his arms and let her bury her face in his shoulder.
"I know," he said, stroking her hair as she cried it all out. "Don't worry. We've got forever to be happy."
Rose knew he was right, so she gave in to her misery tonight. Tomorrow was a new day and the start of her new life. Her happy life, back home.