Waiting, that's all I do, wait. I don't know who, if is even a person im waiting on but I am. Gale abandoned me. Moved to two with his family; I don't blame him I don't want to be stuck in this place either but I can't leave or I would be put in jail are be killed. Thinking about it though it wouldn't be that bad to be dead. I wouldn't have to stay here with the deaths of so many on my shoulders. I could be free of the grieve. Free of the thoughts like this one to end my life or to end others. I could never do it though, kill myself. What would be the point, people would just use it for headlines; 'mockingjay dead – found in home' I can see it now. They would give me a holiday and celebrate it every year, no one would really care.
I sit in my big, cold, empty house alone the silence almost defining. It should be filled with her laughter and his kind words. I miss them, I miss there smiles and there comfort. He is still alive but it's not him, I have given up on the real peeta and I don't believe I will ever see his face again. He probably better of without me anyway. All I do is hurt him even before it happened. He probably doesn't want to see me again; all I do is cause him confusion and pain. His eyes weren't the same when he came back from the capitol. They will never get to be the same again around me anyway all I do is cause harm. Sae is here everyday to check on me and haymitch comes once a week if he can. I fell sorry for him having to stay here, I know he doesn't want to be here it brings back all of the memories, the memories he is trying to forget, looking at the bottom of the bottle again and again. Drinking away the sorrows is what he still does everyday and when he runs out he tends to the geese in the back. I hear him some mornings swearing at them as they honk at him in disgust from lack of care. Sae and her grand-daughter come and feed me; making sure im still alive is the main reason though. She asks almost everyday when im going to start hunting again, she complains about the lack of variety at the meat they ship in to district 12.
I was sitting in the kitchen like I have everyday since I came back and haymitch came in. he sat down in front of me letting out a grunt of displeasure as his aging bones refuse to be used wanting to be resting. He stares at me for a bit taking me in and I stare back wondering why he is here. "I got a call from the capitol, they said they where getting complaints from your doctors since you haven't picked up the phone are replied to there letter's" he says in a concerned way. Haymitch is as close to a father I have had in years and I note the comparison in my head. "Sweetheart if you don't want to go back there are have them come here you need to answer that god damn phone!" he raises his voice a bit but I don't flinch I sit there and stare at him before saying "fine" he gets up to go but as he reaches the door he says something that made me shiver in anticipation "the boy also called, he is coming back today" he shuts the door behind him with a bang and heads back home. I can't believe it, he is coming back I stand up and run upstairs heading for my room to the shower. It takes an hour just to untangle my hair and watch it but that gives me time to think. Why is he coming back? Why would he not go somewhere else and start a new life? Does he want to be friends again? Will he even want to talk to me? Has he changed? Will he even be able to stay with me without a flash back? I tear up at that thought and wonder if is able to talk to me ever again. I get changed into something warm and head out the door with my game bag and bow. Him coming back has given me something to live for again. I catch two squirrels, one rabbit and six fish. It was easy to catch them really. Having all the time when no one was here they have repopulated. As I head home I meet sae on the way and she takes three fish and a squirrel saying that she will be up later to cook my diner with what ever I have left. I head home and skin, gut and store what ever is left but a rabbit which I leave out for sae. Im tidying the kitchen when I here a scrape at the door. I open it up and look down and find buttercup. His fur is wet from the rain the night before and he is shivering. I freeze, I thought he was dead but 13 must have kicked him out and he has came looking…for…her. I start to tear up. He hisses at me as if to say 'where is she?' and I get angry. "She isn't here you dumb cat!" I shout and throw a tea towel at him. "Shes dead you stupid cat shes dead….she isn't coming back" I crumble to the ground and let the tears fall. He walks past me and walks up the stairs not being able to understand what im saying. I can here him meaowing up the stairs but he will get no answer. All I tried to do was protect her and I failed now I will never hear her laugh again, I will never see her smile at me are here he voice say my name. I am a terrible sister. I pass out on the floor hugging my knees crying over a person I will never see again.
When I come to I am in my bed. Sae must have got haymitch to carry me up not like I weigh much anyway. I try to sit up but my head feels light so I lie back down. How long was I out? It's bright outside so maybe it was only a few hours. Buttercup is at the bottom of the bed lightly breathing. He has been cleaned up and doesn't look so ragged anymore. He was a badge on his left front paw so sae must have taken care of him. I need to thank her for that I try to get up again and it's more successful. I go to the bathroom and take a shower. After I get dressed and head down he stairs. On the way down though I smell something, it makes me stop….is that bread? PEETA! The alarm just went of in my head. He was coming back today. I walk into the kitchen and find sae at the stove. She turns when she hears me and has a concerned look on her face. "I saw you today and you looked normal and when I got here an hour later you where pasted out on the ground. I called haymitch a he helped but what happened?" I don't know how to answer as im staring at the loaf of bread on the counter freshly baked. I finally get an answer out but it's in a whisper "the cat". Its simple but she understands. "Yeah I found him in her room meowing and I fixed him up". I say thank you and she hands me a bowl of rabbit stew. Sae leaves after im finished I get up to wash the dishes. I just set the dish in the sink and there s a knock at the door. I find this strange as haymitch and sae only visit me and they never knock. I go to the door and open it slowly. The sun blinds me for a second but then I see a figure I thought I would never see again. "Hello" I say. It's the longest few seconds of my life as I wait for his response. "Hi katniss" My heart melts. He came back.
My boy with the bread.
"Peeta, come in" I say opening the door wider to let him in. "haymitch told me you were coming back today, how are you?" I sound weird like im talking to an acquaintance rather than a friend. Does he think of me as a friend? Does he even want to be friends?
"good, I was wondering if we could hang out I know im only back but If you wouldn't mind I would like to see you more" he says and my lips quirk up in a smile. "Yeah sure peeta any time I spend most of the day here anyway". "Don't you hunt? I mean for meat and stuff" he says with a confused look on his face. "Well yeah but I do it early in the morning so it's out of the way." I lie I went hunting today for the first time in months. We sit down in the living room on the sofa wait for one another to ask a question. I have a question I want to ask him but I cant uncase it takes him off guard or offends him.
"Katniss can I ask you a question about the games? Im not sure if it is real are not" he says taking me out of my daze." go ahead"
"I proposed to you on are victory tour correct?" he says and I answer yes not really sure where this is going. "Well….are w-we still engaged?" this takes me off guard and I can tell it shows on my face because the look of regret flashes on peetas. "We-well….um…we sort of are because we never officially declared it or even talked about it but if you don't want us to be then no we aren't" I say. Peeta looks at me in relief that I handled that well "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable but my doctor says that I had to ask you that because he didn't have the answer and I wanted to know but didn't know who to ask" he says sounding relieved that its of his chest. Does he not want me? Is he glad he isn't bound to me anymore? I don't deserve him, he doesn't need me. Haymitch is right I will never deserve him.
"Peeta with everything that has happened we aren't close enough to even to call each other friends anymore so we aren't. Anyway we only did tat for the cameras" I say calmly trying not to make a big thing out of this.
"oh, ok katniss that's fine do you have any questions, I just came in here and bombarded you didn't I, im sorry" he says relaxed probably because I took that so well.
"yeah peeta after everything, the games, war, my trail we have been slowly breaking away from each other I mean I haven't seen you in months so do you want to try and be friends again?" I say hoping he doesn't reject me if he does it will kill me.
He smiles at me "I said something like that to you before the victory tour real or not real?" he says. "Well yeah you did" I say thinking back to that memory when I snapped at Effie and stormed of the train.
"And katniss" he says taking me out of my daydream. "I will be your friend, again" he says smiling.