Note: from a prompt over at norsekink: Loki gives Thor a puppy, which makes Tony ask himself: what is Loki really up to?
It's The Thought That Counts
Tony was sitting at the kitchen counter, eating cereal, when the God of Mischief materialized at his right elbow. Tony jumped, spilling milk and Cheerios all over both his lap and the counter.
"Christ, Loki, don't scare me like that. And what the hell are you doing here?" Tony demanded. His armor was downstairs and, in a t-shirt and sweatpants, all Tony had to protect him was bravado.
Loki smirked, possibly judging him for his ensemble. "Is my brother on the premises?"
"Thor? Yes. I'll just go find-" Tony started to get to his feet and Loki pushed him casually back onto his stool.
"I will find him," Loki replied firmly. "Do not trouble yourself."
"Brother? What are you doing here?" Thor asked from the kitchen doorway. Tony began breathing more freely as he realized Clint, Steve, Bruce and Natasha were right behind Thor.
Anyone else, including most supervillains, would have been nonplussed at finding himself in a room facing all of the Avengers. Loki, possibly too crazy for fear, remained perfectly composed, turning toward Thor with one of his insincere smiles.
"Ah, brother. Just the person I have been looking for," he said pleasantly.
"Indeed?" Thor asked suspiciously.
"Yes. I have a task for you." Before Thor could respond, Loki reached behind himself, into his green cape, and, apparently out of thin air-
-produced a puppy.
Thor's eyes widened, Steve took an involuntary step forward, and someone-possibly Natasha, or maybe Bruce-made a cooing noise.
"What do you mean?" Thor asked, his eyes fixed on the puppy. You could hardly blame him, Thor being sentimental about baby things. Hell, even Tony, who arguably had no heart at all, had to agree the puppy was almost unbelievably cute, all black and white and fluffy with giant paws and a huge babyish head.
"I find myself burdened with the creature, and my lair is no place for such a being," Loki explained, with an expression of annoyance that intensified as the puppy twisted around in his arms and began to lick his face. Apparently, ultimate evil was very tasty.
"How did you end up with a puppy, Loki?" Tony asked, mostly to piss him off.
"I seem to have inadvertently killed its mother," Loki shrugged.
"You did what?" Steve asked, wide-eyed.
"It was an accident. Most unfortunate. A terrible tragedy indeed," Loki recited, rolling his eyes. He could not have looked less sincere if he announced he had just won the Nobel Peace Prize. He turned back to Thor. "Will you take the creature, brother?"
"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Tony started to argue, but stopped when he saw the looks he was getting from Thor, Steve, Bruce and Natasha.
Loki tilted his head, partly to look even more sarcastic, partly to avoid the puppy's energetic tongue. He just ended up getting his throat washed.
"Really, Stark. Surely you do not suspect me of bringing you an exploding puppy."
Until Loki said it, the idea had not crossed Tony's mind, but now he was thinking about it the idea seemed horribly plausible.
Thor strode across the room and plucked the puppy from Loki's arms.
"Of course we will care for him, brother," Thor assured Loki. He looked absolutely delighted at the prospect.
"Well, just do not take him boar-hunting," Loki advised. At some inquiring looks, Loki elaborated, "Thor has always been fond of dogs. Sadly, he favours boarhounds, and they always seem to die in terrible hunting accidents."
"'Accidents,'" Tony repeated.
"Do not look at me," Loki replied. "Hunting has never been one of my pastimes. So, you will keep him?" he addressed Thor.
"Of course," Thor agreed, looking utterly smitten as the puppy turned its attention, and its tongue, to his face.
"Splendid," Loki replied.
"Hang on a second," Tony said suddenly. Loki raised an eyebrow. Tony went on, "If you killed the puppy's mother-why didn't you just kill him, too?"
Loki's second eyebrow went up to join the first. "I had not thought to do so, but now you mention it, Stark, that is a much simpler solution to the problem." He turned to Thor and stepped forward, hands extended. "Here, give him back to me and I will kill him immediately."
Thor took a quick step backward, Steve got between him and Loki, Bruce began to look a little green around the gills and Natasha muttered something about over someone's dead body-not, Tony suspected, hers. And judging by the look she gave Tony, possibly not over Loki's either.
"No, no, that's not necessary. Just wondering," Tony said quickly.
"So it is decided?" Loki asked patiently.
"What will we call him?" Natasha asked, edging forward to rub the little animal's head.
"Fenris," suggested Thor.
"Not unless you want me to take him back," Loki threatened.
Steve scratched the puppy's ears and said quietly, "How about Bucky?"
Thor looked at Steve for a moment, and then smiled. "Bucky is a splendid name."
"Good," Loki said. "Now that it is settled-"
And he vanished.
Tony sat at the counter and watched Thor, Steve, Bruce and Natasha carry the puppy outside in a single cooing mass, then glanced at Clint.
"Is it just me, or are we going to live to regret this?" he asked.
Clint grinned. "It's just you, man. I think the little sucker's cute as hell."
-oOoOo-
Tony knew the puppy was going to be a nuisance, because hell, babies were always a nuisance. The first week he lost three pairs of Italian loafers to Bucky's teeth, and got them back, in a way, when the puppy vomited them up in the middle of the kitchen floor. The entire Avengers' Mansion was kept awake by Bucky's whimpering and howling for the first week, and that included JARVIS.
And do not even mention the paper training to Tony.
Even so, though, as time passed Tony had to admit he had been wrong: despite his foreboding, Bucky didn't seem to have any sort of curse on him. He really was, as Clint put it, cute as hell, even considering by the time he was six months old he weighed nearly as much as Natasha. He was good-natured and handsome and seemed to learn things very quickly. Even Fury liked him, and Tony was quite prepared to wager that Fury didn't like anyone else, including his own mother.
It certainly helped Tony's opinion of the dog that Thor, Steve, Natasha, Bruce and Pepper took complete responsibility for him. Nobody should have been surprised that Thor, Bruce and Steve took to him, and Pepper was so used to looking after everyone that Tony supposed he wasn't surprised about her reaction. Natasha, he had to admit, was unexpected. It was less unexpected that, when Pepper scheduled the Significant Surgery, Natasha was the one who delivered Bucky to the vet and picked him up afterward, slightly loopy from the anesthetic, and confused about the cone around his neck, but otherwise apparently none the worse for wear.
By the time they'd had the dog for nearly a year, even Tony no longer suspected Bucky was going to wake up one morning, turn into a Tyrannosaurus rex, and kill them all.
One thing that was worth noticing, and Tony did, was that over those months, Loki suddenly became a helluva lot easier to catch. He was no easier to hang onto than he had ever been, but all of a sudden he didn't seem to escape quite as quickly as he used to, either. In spite of his suspicions, Tony didn't truly think he was doing it on purpose until the time he saw, with his own eyes, Loki stop to scruff Bucky's ruff and allow the dog to slurp him from chin to hairline, every speck of his face not covered by his ridiculous helmet.
And then he'd looked up, smirked at Tony, and vanished up the chimney.
The other thing Tony could not avoid noticing was, after one of Loki's... visits... the Avengers always seemed to find... something... left behind, something nobody in the group could remember purchasing. After the Italian loafer disaster, when Tony had seriously talked about calling the animal shelter, it had been a nearly-indestructible chew toy. They also developed a collection of books, with titles like PositivePuppyTraining, and YouandYourBerneseMountainDog, which was how Tony found out that Bucky was nowhere near done growing yet, and was likely to finish up the size of a small house.
On the other hand, it was probably thanks to Steve's conscientious reading of the books, and coaching Thor on the techniques found within, that Bucky grew up with remarkably good manners for a dog large enough to drag even Thor down the sidewalk. Even Pepper could take him for walks without resorting to rollerskates.
So really, on balance, Tony had no complaints. And so one morning he was sitting quite contentedly at the kitchen counter, eating cereal, while on the floor Bucky gnawed contentedly on his nearly-indestructible chew toy. The doorbell rang.
Bucky got to his feet, shook himself, and trotted to the door, where he gave his usual perfunctory there-I-announced-you "woof" before lying down in the entryway to wait for someone to let the guest in. As Tony walked over to open the door, he reflected that, possibly because of Loki's influence, you really couldn't say Bucky had much discrimination between welcome guests and maniacal supervillains bent on destruction.
On the other hand, the house was occupied by a gang of superheroes, so you could argue they were not exactly in desperate need of a guard dog.
Tony reached the door as the rest of the group arrived in the entryway. Since he was in his disreputable sweatpants and t-shirt again, Tony ceded the task to Pepper. Pepper accordingly opened the door.
Standing on the doorstep was a tall, spare woman with unflattering short grey hair and exceedingly sensible shoes. Pepper smiled charmingly at her.
"How can I help you?' she asked.
The woman gazed at her with an air of command.
"Miss Potts?"
"Yes?"
"I believe you have one of my puppies."
"I beg your pardon?" Pepper faltered.
"I apologize, I must introduce myself. My name is Amanda Stanfield. I am the owner of Rocky Creek Kennels." She waited, apparently expecting some of this information to mean something to Pepper. Pepper continued to look confused. The woman said, slowly and clearly, "I am a breeder of Bernese Mountain Dogs. You own one of my puppies. I was in the area for a dog show, and I thought I would stop in and see how you were getting along."
Pepper stared at her for a second longer, then stepped silently back and let Amanda Stanfield into the house. As soon as she looked in Bucky's direction, the big puppy rolled onto his back, wiggling his paws in the air and wagging his fluffy tail. The woman's stern face broke into a smile and she went over to rub his tummy. Bucky's face took on an expression of positively dopey bliss.
Steve was the first one to think of a reaction, and it was as Steve a reaction as could be imagined.
"We're so sorry about your dog," he said sincerely.
Amanda Stanfield looked at him as though he had spoken Swahili.
"I beg your pardon?" she asked, continuing to scratch Bucky's chest as she looked up.
Steve turned scarlet. "The... the friend who gave Bucky to us, he told us he had the puppy because he had accidentally killed his mother. By accident. Um, unintentionally. We're so sorry."
Amanda Stanfield looked at Steve as if she doubted his sanity.
"Young man, unless this friend of yours killed her within the last forty minutes, someone has been pulling your leg. This is one of Adelaide's puppies, and Adelaide, who incidentally won her class this morning, is with my grand daughter, at our room in the Holiday Inn. When I left them, they were both in excellent health and spirits."
"Really?' Steve asked, his face like a sunrise. Thor looked down at Bucky, then up at his breeder, with a very thoughtful expression on his face.
Tony knew he wasn't the only one who was confused, so he took one for the team. "Okay, so, if Loki didn't kill your dog, how did he get hold of one of your puppies?"
Ms Stanfield looked at Tony as if he was dim. "The same way anyone 'gets hold' of one of my puppies: he approached me three years ago, after Adelaide won Best of Opposite Sex at Westminster, satisfied me he would provide a good home, then spent eighteen months on a waiting list until a puppy became available."
Tony had to make sure he had this information absolutely straight. "So you're saying he bought Bucky from you? Like, legally?Loki? Are you sure we're talking about the same person?"
"Mr. Odinson," Ms. Stanfield said. "A tall thin young man with black hair and a perfectly beautiful speaking voice?"
"That would be Loki," Pepper agreed. Catching sight of the expression on Tony's face, she pointed out, "Well, be fair. He does have a beautiful voice."
Tony was unconvinced. "Why in hell would Loki want a dog?"
For the first time, Amanda Stanfield looked a little unsure of herself. Looking around at the group, she said uncertainly,
"He told me... that he worked at a group home for adults with mental disabilities." Someone let out a hoot of startled laughter. Tony realized it was himself. "He thought a dog would be good for... them. He said there was a Miss Potts on staff who was very trustworthy, and that several of the residents were also quite responsible."
Steve was the only one who could make himself ask the question all of them were probably wondering about. "So, um, now that you know he, um, was kidding you a little... does that mean you'll want to take Bucky back?"
Ms. Stanfield looked at Steve, and then at Thor, and around at the others before looking back down at the blissfully happy dog.
"I hardly think so. You certainly seem to be taking impeccable care of him, and that is the important thing. I'm glad to see him looking so happy."
Tony was the least relieved person in the room, and he let out the breath he'd been holding in a big gasp.
Thor was still surprisingly quiet, so Steve and Natasha took the lead in showing the breeder around the house and yard. Thor trailed thoughtfully behind, Bucky at his heel, one of his hands tangled in the big dog's ruff. The dog breeder seemed pleased by Bucky's accommodations and training, and left promising to forward pictures of his mother Adelaide.
Tony went back to the kitchen and was contemplating his soggy cereal when Loki appeared at his elbow again.
"Jesus, Loki, stop that," Tony barked, barely avoiding dropping the bowl.
"You received a visitor?" Loki asked innocently.
"Yes," Tony said, eying the trickster narrowly.
"And she was pleased with the fate of her puppy?" Loki persisted.
"Yes. She said we were doing a fine job, for a bunch of people with mental disabilities."
Loki smiled broadly. "I knew she would approve of you. Here, I should have given this document to Thor some time ago, but it slipped my mind." Loki, apparently from up his sleeve, produced a sheet of heavy-looking paper headed by the seal of the American Kennel Club, bearing words like "official registration." When Tony simply stared at it, Loki set the paper on a clean section of the counter and reached back into his other-worldly pockets. "Also, I have brought some biscuits. They are said to be organic, but they do not appear to contain any organs, which is a shame. Still, Bucky may find them appealing."
Tony was about to point out that, being a dog, Bucky found garbage appealing, but Loki disappeared before he could do so, leaving behind the AKC document a neat package of dog biscuits in a brown paper wrapper.
Tony took the biscuits and Bucky's registration papers out out to the yard, where Bruce and Natasha were tossing a dog-proof Frisbee back and forth for Bucky to chase. Thor sat on the back steps watching them, and every few tosses the dog would rush over to lick the thunderer's face, as though reassuring him Bucky loved him, too.
Tony stopped in the doorway and Steve, who was sitting near Thor, got up and came to join him. Tony held out the registration document. Steve took it and read it over.
"Loki?" Steve asked. Tony nodded. Steve grinned, and Tony gave him a quizzical look.
"What?"
Steve smiled more widely. "You realize what he did?"
"Loki? Besides laying one helluva mindfuck on the dog lady?" Tony asked. Steve ignored the language and elaborated:
"He went to Missus Stanfield, waited for a puppy, bought him fair and square and even did the paperwork. In Thor's name, I see. Perfectly honestly." At Tony's arched eyebrow, Steve amended, "Okay, he did lie a little. That's like saying he breathed a little. But what does it tell us?"
"He's even more crooked and slightly less evil than we thought he was?" Tony guessed.
"Well, that too," Steve admitted. "But what I meant was-and Thor's already realized it-is this: Loki gave Thor a present. A real one. No strings, nothing up his sleeve, no sting in the tail. He just gave his brother a beautiful present."
Tony found his mouth hanging open foolishly, and closed it with an effort.
Then he looked over to where Thor was sitting, hugging the big black-and-white dog who was halfway in his lap, licking his face. When Thor buried his face in Bucky's ruff, Tony and Steve went quietly back into the house.