No More
Pairing : Jason Grace x Nico di Angelo / Jasico
Disclaimer : PJO/HOO series (c) Rick Riordan. This FF belongs to me.
A/N : Please read this first ruicchi . tumblr post/ 85318011775/ dear-minuiko-sama-how-dare-you-this-is-painful
Enjoy~ :D
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Shattered, broken.
Indifferent from an enormous, gaping hole. Spewing bloods all over the chest. Darker, thicker than the Nyx. Viler, compared to the Tartarus. And nothing, not even The Chaos, could beat this feeling of emptiness.
Tears streaming down his face, all so bitter like the stream of Styx. Poignant, hurt, everything felt so painful in his eyes. All over his mind, the never-ending thinking of dying.
Yet he just can't.
The hurtful feeling in his heart had carved so well in his current expression. He was just so tired, that not even his thin, gaunt figure could bear the cold, piercing wind in this Firework Beach that belongs to the Half-Blood Camp of Long Island, New York.
"I need to tell you something, very important, to all of you!"—or so what he said. He, the one who he really love, yet it seems he would never reach him. And for that, what would he got aside this crumbling, shattering like a million pieces of glass?
Nothing. Not even anything, all so hollow.
Always, always that feeling, making him want to throw himself into the Tartarus once again—he thought, while remembering on how he almost gone crazy inside the endless, infinite chasm of darkness. Ah, maybe the insanity would probably make him forget someone whom he had always yearn for years. How much he wants to forget that someone, erasing him from his mind, transfiguring those painful memories into countless particle of dusts—if only he could.
So painful. How he could feel like hearing his heart actually breaks. His chest feel so unbearably agonising—or like a big, big gap in his heart, one enormous gap which cried blood, leaving all the wounds that had been incised on his skin, that he know would never be cured. Hands trying to smudging those tears out of his face as much as he could.
Ah, never mind. It was no use at all.
Not like his tears can be stopped by now.
Now he thought, if his father, who is the God of Death and Richness, sees him in such pathetic, fragile state, would he still admit him as his son? He, Nico di Angelo, would obviously lying if he admit that the thought did not bother him that hard—and trying not to remember the incident that was just happened by now; the announcement of engagement between the Son of Poseidon and the Daughter of Athena.
Damn.
Damn his heart that would felt like being pierced every time it beats. Damn every emotions that would make his body shivers in pain, until it makes him think, is this how it feels when the sharp teethes of Cerberus tearing out his flesh? Probably, he thought. However, he is so sure that he really want—need, if this getting any longer—to scream as loud and as powerful as he can, to the Sea, and probably it would change the mind of the Son of the God of the Sea.
Ah, no.
However his heart giving him the urge of need to do it, he would—cannot—do it. All the Gods and Goddesses always know everything. Everything, that happens in this Earth, in every inches of dirt that forms the land, and Nico found it really annoying.
"O, the Almighty God and Goddesses, no one would ever willing to love me, right?" a smile was formed in his face. A mocking smile beneath his weeping that gone worse by now. Strident, raspy voice of him could be heard by now, something that he would no longer be able to hide behind the quietness that he always shows in front of those demigods or any of God and Goddesses that he ever faced off.
"We're getting engaged!"
Percy, with his cheerful voice, exclaimed. Annabeth in his embrace, putting out her shy smile, yet delighted at Percy's words. Their relationship will be successful—and have to be. Struggling for their love, for so long and considering at all things that had happened, Percy felt so sure that he would take one of the greatest step in his life, to start another one together with his dear Annabeth.
And if Nico could read Percy's mind, he would just stab his heart out rather than just wringing his chest.
Almost everyone cheer upon the two lovebirds—everyone, except that one person, of course—that put on those bright faces. Must have been glad for them to know that they're finally reaching their eighteenth year in their life, which means, they will step on the new stage in their life; building a life-lasting commitment, with engagement for the starter, and the awaited marriage, afterwards. Oh, how joyful their lives are!
If memories could kill, it probably had do more than a mere headache and rumbling stomach. Never, never once in his life that he would feel this broken—except that one time when he was plunged inside Tartarus, which is a different case than this time. Just when he thought that the sensation of sinking inside Tartarus had been painful enough, it never crosses his mind that this time would hurt him way more than before.
How much Nico hates this feeling. He's mature enough, and being 14-years-old doesn't stop him from having a mind and personality that is more mature than kids around his age. Being mature also had made him understand that 'kids' would never be taken seriously as adults do, and that's why he would always being a well-mannered person—which, in that specification, requires him to control his emotion that is currently raging inside of him, because of a certain demigod namely Percy Jackson, who he loves so dearly.
His tears are now unstoppable, crying uncontrollably, and his body keeps on trembling. He could only hug himself while gazing at the starry night sky. He could hear the ocean rippling, the dark, dark sea, glistened by the moonlight.
All so dark, so suffocating.
He doesn't want to be here anymore. How much he wishes to feel Bianca's warm hugs. Want to be cuddled and loved like those four years old who can cry all day long and ask for anything, especially for him, begging to his older sister. Laughing together when his wishes are granted, or crying when he would spot dark shadows going around and Bianca will always come and hug him tightly, saying that everything is okay.
He really need those right now.
Something that he would never feel again, not now, or ever.
He's all alone now, without his beloved older sister. He could just ask Hazel if he really need those kind of stuffs, but he also know that Hazel had not yet understand him like Bianca used to. She also has her own life, and he would not want to disturb her for it. He would not even dare to see his step-sister as a replacement of Bianca, anyways.
"You're responsible for this." That boy started to speak. "Why, why Percy? Why should you made me fall for you? Why…?" looking down, and keep on whispering. If he could choose, he would rather blame the God of Love himself, yet he couldn't dare himself to think of it again, especially for Nico himself who had faced a Cupid—which is terrifying and something he doesn't bother to experience for the second time.
"How dare you to crush my heart like this. How dare you…"
"And why should I love such a fool like yourself from the very start…?"
All the questions that he threw upon himself, for all the things Percy had done to him, stealing his heart. Percy might not know how it would always hurt him whenever Nico is nearby him. Worse, the pain doubles whenever he saw Annabeth in Percy's hug.
All done, all dead for him.
"Of course because you love that foolish man. Why would you need other reason for it?"
A familiar voice greeted him—if that was even considered as a greeting—like his usual stern and clear voice. He doesn't need to look up towards the said person since he already know it is no one, but Jason. "You should've join the party at Percy's house." he mumbled, while Jason seemed to huffing and followed by a chuckle.
"Yes, you're welcome." Jason snickered again, his feet walks toward the weeping boy. "I'm worried about you."
"Oh, really, Son of Jupiter worried about me?" sarcasm, something that's quite typical from Nico's replies, followed by a snort afterwards. "Sure, after you gave your regard to them and then you're dead worried. How kind of you for having worried about me. So, so very kind, really."
He huffed over Nico's response, sarcastic as usual. "I'm sorry," it's all his fault, anyways. Knowing that the boy loves the engaged man so dearly, yet he keeps on forcing this boy to send some greetings for the lovebirds. Cruel, indeed, like the salt being spread over an open wound.
Not like he's expecting some kind of forgiveness from the Son of Hades by now, anyway.
A silence, before the boy brushed the tears away once again. "Never mind. Go, enjoy the party. You deserve to be with the others, and I am belong among the Dead, all alone. Go, Grace."
"You need a company for now, I can see that, believe me."
"And I wish that the certain company is not you, Golden Boy. Now please, leave me alone."
"Nope." Jason Grace shook his head. The blond lock which was meticulously stylised like the Roman soldier flutters a bit. "I'll stay by your side." He insisted.
The said boy clicked his tongue. "I hate you."
"Yet I love you."
"What?"
"I love you—and I can't let someone that means so much for me crying alone in here."
"Huh, are you really that blind? Stop that crappy joke of yours, Son of Jupiter. I mean, I don't—and would never—like jokes."
"Do I look like I'm joking about it?"
"For me, yes." His darken, baggy eyes that starts to get redden stares coldly towards Jason. Still, what makes Nico's obsidian pair of eyes gets all wide-open was when he found that Jason's blue iris gazes straight directly towards him. Sign of honesty, and Nico shift his gaze away upon realizing that. "And I hate liars, more than anything."
Jason stepped in another move, standing in front of Nico di Angelo. The man with well-trained body, wrapped in purple T-Shirt with SPQR written on it stares at the boy again, shifting his blue baseball jacket a bit. "And do you, Son of Hades, hates yourself since you had done lies upon yourself?" his eyebrows twitched, silently hoping that Nico would care to give some explanation.
By now, Nico could feel his emotion started to raging on once again, grinding his teeth towards one another. "You think," he fisted his hand. "I never hate myself? You think, I never blame myself? So you think, I never lied to myself? Oh, do you know, Mr. All-So-Perfect? I hate myself more than anything!"
His finger, decorated by the silver skull, pointed at Jason. "Do you know how much I hate myself because all I can do was blaming Percy over Bianca's death? Isn't it even already messed up by me, for ever falling in love to A MAN? Don't you think I never lie to myself to not to love him? Do you even know how often I wish—knowing that the fantasy only fool me—that he would look at me? DO YOU EVER KNOW ALL OF THAT? AND NOW YOU'RE WONDERING WHETHER I NEVER HATE MYSELF, GRACE?" he screamed, hysterical and by now, his emotion had grown uncontrollably—just like that time when they were face to face with the God of Love.
Those tears that were already dried up comes again, soaking his cheek all over again, a lot more than before. His face got paler, and drops of sweats started to dripping again. All drawn in his face, those sorrow, and a deep, deep hatred. All he could do to control himself was by wringing upon his flight jacket, as tight as he could.
"Jason, I really hate myself." If a grieving tone and hoarse voice could actually, then most probably Jason's heart would've been feel like being tortured, sliced for thousands of times, by now. The latter one keep on crying, not even a hint to stop in any minutes by now. Desperate, hating himself, and nothing that he could do except crying by himself, alone.
The older one gets closer to the messy, black haired boy. Stretching both of his muscly arms, clenching Nico di Angelo, stroking his back, softly and lovingly. "That's why I'll always be here for you, because you hate yourself and I will love you for that."
Nico was getting a bit startled, a bit struggling to get loose of the older one. "Get off me." but what could the Son of King of Gods wouldn't bother to listen to him. Sniffling again, for his unstable emotion and the fact that Percy would never see him. He doesn't have any strength left to push Jason away, since obviously that Jason is much bigger than him…
…and since he wouldn't—could not—reject such a warm, sincere hug.
"Let go of me, please… I can't fooling myself again by pretending to be strong in front of you too…" he asked plaintively. His little, skinny hands, smacking Jason's chest.
"You don't have to fool yourself anymore." Jason hugged him, tighter than before, "since I will be the one who will sees you as what you are, all of you, without even a single speck of lies in you." he dipped his face to Nico's hair.
Nico sobbing again, this time so loud that he could feel his chest felt so light, so hollow, yet it doesn't feel like the usual loneliness at all. The boy, slowly hugging back the older one, clenching tightly upon the man.
It all feel so strange for him, and he doesn't know why.
Yet it was one of the best feeling that he had ever experience.
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~FIN~
A BIG THANKS TO FERRA RII WHO TRANSLATED MY FIC INTO ENGLISH ILYSM.
Mind to RnR, guys? :D