The Bathroom Break Assessment
Author's notes: First of all, a huge thank you to my lovely beta ZephyrCamida. Check her out, she's awesome. If it wasn't for her, this fanfic wouldn't have seen the light of day for lack of courage.
As you may have noticed, rating is M. While this fic doesn't contain smut, there is a lot of unfiltered talk of bowel movements, masturbation and periods. In that order. Just to be on the safe side, you have been warned. I don't want to pass the brain bleach. In my defense... I regret nothing.
Sheldon was half-sitting on his bed waiting for Amy to come out of the bathroom. Why would she waste all that time in there - «thirteen minutes, forty-five seconds as of now» he checked on his watch - was beyond him. Even if she had a sudden bowel movement, her daily fiber intake would not explain such a long and excrutiating emptying of said bowels.
Imagining Amy's body as a well-oiled machine as much as his own was comforting on a very deep level.
The night after Leonard left for the North Sea, they sat down at the kitchen isle to talk about what happened during their game of Dungeons & Dragons.
«I believe it is best to discuss... sexual matters. I don't want us to become one of those couples that don't talk about what goes on in the bedroom» said Amy, sipping her ginger green tea.
«Neither do I. Leonard and Penny never do and the results are clear» said Sheldon.
«Riiight» Amy rolled her eyes. «Then this is what I propose...»
They concurred that talking with each other about their desires and insticts would help them deal with them until they could act on them. She started by saying that, after their characters were mutually and thoroughly sexually satisfied, she made a run to the bathroom to masturbate.
«I did that after you left.» admitted Sheldon, focusing his eyes on the couch.
The second step in this experiment was to discuss with each other what scenarios they imagined in their heads while masturbating. Amy thought of them engaging in sexual acts in the more absurd - or «romantic», as she described them - locations, including a field of daisies. He argued that laying naked on the ground was just «disgusting» - not to mention his stinging insect allergy, which brought him to his own fantasy: a sterile, soundproof white room.
«Like a cocoon» she commented.
«Precisely. I do have the best ideas» Sheldon smiled satisfied.
Amy seemed to think of something for a few seconds. «Is there a bed in there?»
«Of course there is. I know I don't consider the ground as a viable option for intercourse.»
Then, they talked about masturbation itself and Sheldon decided to upgrade his own personal term for it from self-abuse to self-indulgence. It seemed to both of them that, at least for now, it was the more doable option to keep the hormones at bay and, at the same time, continuing their boyfriend/girlfriend activities without too many distractions.
«Don't think of anyone else when you do it» warned Sheldon.
«Why would I do that?» asked Amy with a sheepish grin.
«Well... some people like to think of Catwoman, so I was just warning you.»
«Some other people might like to think of Thor and his hammer.»
Sheldon frowned.
«But I wasn't talking about me, as I'm sure you weren't talking about yourself» she concluded jokingly.
Sheldon didn't seem to pick up on it. «Of course I wasn't.»
For the sake of mutual consent, they decided to write a list of sexual fantasies they could have while pleasuring themselves. When Sheldon reviewed Amy's list, he had an epiphany on why spanking her well-rounded, firm bottom turned out to be a much more pleasurable and thus confusing activity than he thought it would be. The mind truly is a mysterious thing. Then he thought back to the Leonard/Penny yeehaw sex with a shiver. Trying to erase that mental image proved to be impossible.
At the same time, Amy learned of his interest for her lips on his genitals.
«You would really like my mouth... there?»
Each other's feet became suddendly a very interesting thing to look at.
«Well... I read it is a very stimulating activity» Sheldon nodded to himself. Rubbing his hands on his legs, he added: «Your character did that to mine when we played D&D, didn't she?»
Amy squirmed in her seat.
Then, one night, she brought him a present. «I thought it could be useful. I chose water-based, as it is not as messy as oil and silicone-based ones. You might need to re-apply while using it.»
Sheldon looked into the bag. «Lubricant?»
«Yes.» said Amy succintly.
«Did you know that Astroglide was formulated while working on the cooling system of a space shuttle in 1977?»
She simply smiled.
Sheldon didn't tell Amy he already owned lubricant for his monthly prostate exam, but it was a thoughtful gift nonetheless and wanted to buy something for her, too. He wanted to keep her girlfriend as sexually satisfied as possible. It was his job as a boyfriend, after all.
He knocked on Penny's door to ask whether she knew of a way «to help a woman reach orgasm quickly», but all he got in response was a door rudely slammed in his face. How insensitive, he thought shaking his head.
Google came to the rescue, but it reminded him just how meaninglessly complicated women were even in that department. His father sure knew what he was talking about when giving him advice on the female gender.
After looking through pages and pages of vibrators that were either not aestethically pleasing or just plain weird (Amy liked to wear her tiara on occasion, but a diamond dildo was utterly tasteless), he settled for what looked like a discreet silver bullet. It was shaped like a pill and it looked like a surgical tool. Utilitarian and to the point: he liked it.
«...so I figured that this would have been the right choice. It can easily be inserted - if you choose to do so - and it shouldn't create any problem even to a virgin like yourself» he concluded his long-winded explanation out of breath.
Amy cleared her throat, but then said smirking: «As I possess female genitalia, I think I may know how it works.»
«Oh. Right.»
«Not to mention...» she leaned closer to him on the couch. «I have resolved that bit about the hymen quite some time ago.»
Sheldon raised his eyebrows. «You are full of surprises, little lady.»
«Hymens. As useless and absurd as the appendix.»
«I couldn't agree more.»
A moan coming from the bathroom distracted his train of thought. He really needed to tell Amy to raise her fiber intake.
Lubricant proved to be very effective. All those evenings spent taking care of his prostate health would have been dealt with in a much quicker way.
Ten years of listening to crass boy-talk and no-one ever mentioned this, not even Leonard that one time they went to the sperm bank. That time he put together a Gigolo Kit for his best friend didn't help either: he found baby oil to be slippery and gross.
Here I am, moping about that self-centered experimental physicist that thinks now was the right time to leave me alone.
Sheldon sighed then checked the watch. Right when he was about to get up and check on her, Amy knocked on his bedroom door. «Can I come in?»
He didn't even notice she closed the door behind her.
Amy is so considerate. She closes every door when she's done using a room.
Sheldon smiled. «Of course».
«Sorry I took so long. My menses has arrived, right on time!» she satisfyingly declared as she did a little dance in place. She then closed the door behind her.
Oh, so that's why I was drawn to her more than usual in these last few days.
Unfortunately, keeping track with her menstrual cycle like he did with both Penny and Bernadette didn't help: she wasn't regular.
Her body likes to play pranks on her. I know how that is.
Sheldon's stare lingered on her figure hidden under the layers of clothes. He wanted to see her naked body again. The only time he did, he only got one clear view before her whole figure was hidden by bubbles in the bathtub. He remembered every curve, the lovely rosy hue of her skin, the way her breasts peeked out of the water in time with her breath. Even as she was there right in front of him, fully clothed, he felt his nether regions boiling. He really needed to take a shower.
«I'm glad to hear it. Did you find the feminine hygiene products in the cabinet? They don't sell those pads you bought once anymore, so I recently asked Penny while we were grocery shopping, but she kept on blabbering that my question wasn't appropriate, and I ended up buying one packet for each type they had. I hope you found something suitable to your needs.»
«She's lovable and all, but I really don't understand her sometimes» she shook her head. «I use winged pads: overnight for the first two days, then regular for the rest of the cycle.»
«Noted.»
Amy stretched with a moan, putting her hands on her lower back.
Sheldon sprung out of bed and got closer to her. «Is everything all right?»
«Cramps» she winced then looked at him with a half-smile. «Can I get a hug?»
Without saying a word, he held her close to his chest. He thought that she could probably tell his heart had increased its beating, but he decided he didn't care. Amy hugged him back and pressed her face gently to his chest.
«Thank you.»
Sheldon started drawing small circles with his hands on her lower back to ease the pain.
«You're welcome. You really shouldn't eat so many sweets while suffering from pre-menstrual syndrome, y'know? They only worsen the symptoms.»
Amy shot him a glance. «Are you a woman by any chance?»
Sheldon carefully avoided her inquiring stare.
«Would you like to go cuddle on the couch? I could make tea» he offered.
«I would love that.»
«I'll take out that hot water bottle I have in the bathroom, too.»
They smiled at each other for a few seconds after Amy's expression softened up. Then Sheldon said: «I need a hot beverage, too, you know. After all, you ruined our plans for the evening.»
«I did?» she asked.
«Yes. I was supposed to show you the 1991 Director's Cut edition of Blade Runner, after we watched the threatrical version of 1982 last week. The fact that Ridley Scott took out that inconclusive romantic ending alone makes it much more enjoyable. Then there's that scene with the unicorn, which suggests-»
«Sheldon» She got out of his embrace and moved her hands from his back to his waist. «We can still do both.»
«We can?»
«Yes.»
«But you wasted 30 minutes in the bathroom and you're probably mentally, emotionally and physically impaired given your current state. Do you know what my father used to say?»
«Do you want me to leave now?» she slightly raised her voice, then stood there with her mouth open for a couple of seconds as if she wanted to add something, but only crossed her arms instead.
Sheldon took a step back.
«I'm sorry.»
With an instict he didn't even realize he possessed at times, he grabbed Amy's hand - brushing his hand against her breast in the process, leaving them breathless for a split second - and led her out of his room.