[I apologize for the potential grammar's mistakes here. English is not my mother tongue.]
Regrets collect like old friends, here to relive your darkest moments. I can see no way, I can see no way. And all of the ghouls come out to play. And every demon wants his pound of flesh. But I like to keep some things to myself. I like to keep my issues drawn. It's always darkest before the dawn. And I've been a fool, and I've been blind. I can never leave the past behind. I can see no way, I can see no way. I'm always dragging that horse around. And our love is pastured such a mournful sound. Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground. So I like to keep my issues drawn. But it's always darkest before the dawn.
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off. And I am done with my graceless heart. So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart. Cause I like to keep my issues strong. It's always darkest before the dawn.
And given half the chance would I take any of it back. It's a final mess but it's left me so empty. It's always darkest before the dawn. And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't? So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road. And I'm ready to suffer, and I'm ready to hope. It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat. Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me. Looking for heaven, found the devil in me. Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me.
Florence and The Machine - Shake It Out
He felt the liquor burning his throat as he took another sip of his bottle of whiskey. Sitting in the herb next to a campfire, it was not the first time he was getting drunk and it would definitely not be the last. But tonight he was in a dark mood. And he needed alcohol more than anything.
He just wanted to take away the memories. The pain. The sadness. He just wanted to forget it all. Everything would be so easy if he didn't have to remember the cheerful past. Before the war. When he had a wife and a son. It seemed like it was in another lifetime, yet it was so sensitive...
He came to Hell on Wheels only for one reason: revenge. His ultimate goal was to kill each one of these fucking Yankees who raped and murdered his Mary. He had both succeeded and failed at his task. One stayed alive he didn't know where. And he had killed the wrong man. Murdered him. He had put his hands around the neck of the guy and he had hold tight, until the guy could not breathe any longer. He was no better the others.
Now the Swede's sentences kept turning in his mind over and over. Did he enjoyed it? Surely. Was he satisfied afterwards? No. Pain, sadness. He could still feel it deep inside.
Did he still got a heart? Apparently, yes. A woman reminded him that he had one when he thought he had lost it forever, broken and torn in pieces in the mud of that hell of a town.
The Fair-Haired Maiden of the West.
She woke up the good man who was well-hidden in him. He didn't expected it for a dollar. She infiltrated his brain with her sweet voice and delicate figure, but she returned his stomach with her deep blue eyes and her firm hands.
Always so determined in her choices and acts. She truly fought for what she aimed at. Even when she decided to share the bed of Thomas Durant. For the good of the railroad. Yeah. God. He was getting ill at the thought.
It was a weird thing to say, but he kind of liked working at the railroad. He enjoyed to lead the men, pushing them to give the best of themselves. He was glad when another piece of it was built. At least it occupied his mind and hands. A better activity than stealing money or killing.
He already escaped once, but the fate forced him to come back to the start. Now the Doc was dead. Durant stayed half dead in Chicago. The Swede would be dead soon. Elam could make his way easily without him. He knew how to use a gun correctly now, thanks to him.
He could leave this place anytime. He was free to go far away - to Mexico for example, like they had planned with the Rebels to do so. Starting all over again was tempting. No one linked him to this place... No one, excepted her.
The only thing he had at the moment was the railroad and Lily Bell.
He looked at his horse all prepared to go. Was he going to mount it? Had he the desire to..?
Suddenly, through the smoke of his cigarette, he glimpsed a form coming to him. Ready to take his gun, he calmed down when he recognized the familiar blonde hair. Speak of the devil and he appears...
"Not sleeping already, ma'am?"
She sat besides him, not caring if she trashed her dress or not.
"I can't."
"Worrying for Durant's health sate, huh?"
She looked at him in silent, then said:
"Worrying for the railroad's future, yeah."
"It will be finished with or without him", he assured, taking another sip of whiskey.
"But I'm not sure if it could be finished without you."
He spat, his head down. But he didn't answer.
"Don't think I'm stupid. I've seen your belongings ready to travel", she continued, pointing a finger at his horse. "I thought you were a little more faithful to this railroad, after all you did to help building it!" Her voice was harsh with bitterness.
"You can't blame me for that, I am not involved in this project as much as you are", he replied.
He refrained himself from saying what he was really thinking of her relationship with Durant but she understood anyway.
She raised her shaky voice: "We can't rely on you, Mr Bohannon. There will always come a time where you will run away in front of a big impediment."
She turned her back and started to walk away from him. He felt miserable.
"Wait, Lily!"
She stopped and he came to her. In spite of the whiskey blurring his movements, he could still see her face perfectly clear. Her shining beauty. On the outside and on the inside.
"I stay, okay? I will stay..."
He was sincere and she could feel that. Hesitantly, she smiled. She touched his face slightly with her right hand. It was warm and it felt nice.
"Fine", she said, closing her eyes.
The second after, her lips was on his.
He apologized to Mary in his head. He couldn't break the embrace, even if he wanted to. He felt it was not a bad thing, nor a mistake. It was impossible.
Lily was the only person who was able to understand him. More than anyone else in this world. It was very simple: she also lost her husband. She has memories which haunted her with pain and sadness too.
Their bodies united, it was right. And so good. It really had been a long time since he lost control in a woman's arms.
She gave him hope. As long as she was near him, he had the strength to work, to live... to love. She was his light here. He didn't know how much time it would last, so he decided to appreciate every moment the more he could.
The only thing he knew was that he didn't want to lose her.