Shepard walked into the room, and her breath caught in her throat at the sight in front of her.
Despite being here before, and seeing the same sight, it still hurt her to see Kaidan lying in a hospital bed looking so... weak.
He had been her rock through everything, and to see him broken, it felt like a part of her had died. In short... she couldn't live without him.
Sure there was that blip at Horizon but she understood why he said the things he had said. Heck, she would have probably reacted the same if their roles had been reversed. If had been the one to come back from the dead after two years, wearing the Cerberus uniform she had come to hate so much.
She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath in. Refusing to let the threatening tears out. The stubborn soldier to the end.
She pulled the chair up next to bed and sat on it quietly, more out of habit than anything else. Kaidan was in a coma, the head injuries keeping him locked up inside. There was no way the slight scraping of a chair could wake him.
But as she reached out slowly to take his hand, she realized that despite wishing every day that Kaidan woke up soon, there was still a part of her, deep down, that still smiled at how cute he was asleep. And that she would do anything to stare at that peaceful face for a few moments longer, before the lack of Shepard in his arms woke him up.
But as her eyes took in the dark bruises around his eyes, the faint smile disappeared from her face.
She felt her hand tighten round his, desperate not to let go, not even for a second. She only had a few moments here, before she went back to the Normandy, back to the fight. The fight she couldn't fight without Kaidan beside her.
She returned her gaze back to Kaidan's face, trying not to flinch as his wounds bit deep into her again. She took a deep breath and opened her mouth to begin the words she had spent an hour practicing on the flight to the Citadel.
"Hey Kaidan..." She smiled as she looked at the floor.
"That was a terrible way to start. The most important thing in the world I want to say and I start with 'Hey'?" She glanced back up.
She squeezed his hand, more for her own comfort than his.
"I guess, what I wanted to say, explain..." The words caught in her throat.
"Why is this so hard?" She shouted at herself. She caught the glance of a worried doctor outside the room. He peered in to check everything was okay, his expression turning soft as he looked at her, before moving away again.
Shepard placed her free hand against her cheek and felt the wetness there. Her hand dropped and she stared at the teardrops clinging to her fingertips.
"Huh. Garrus once said he thought nothing could make me cry. I guess you achieved the impossible Kaidan."
Her hand still clenched his but this wasn't enough for her. Her free hand, still wet with her tears, reached out and rested on his stomach. The feel of his warm skin brought up so many memories that this time Shepard didn't fight to keep the tears at bay.
"I guess what I wanted to explain, is why... why I joined Cerberus. I didn't want to, but the only way I was ever going to get off of the Illusive Man's base alive was to agree to what he wanted. To help him defeat the collectors. But I was still reluctant. If I could go back and try again I would say no, even if it meant I never got to see you again."
She gulped, the tears blocking her throat. The words were getting harder and harder to say. But they needed to be said. She needed to say them. She knew Kaidan could still hear her, he needed to know.
She needed to tell him how she felt, especially since there was every chance Kaidan didn't want her anymore.
"You want to know why I said yes to Cerberus, to betraying you? Because when I was shown what the collectors had done, what they were still doing... All I could think about was keeping you safe. You are human, you were a target. I wasn't going to let them take you Kaidan. I wasn't going to let them take you away from me!"
She flinched at the anger in her voice. But Kaidan barely fluttered an eyelid. his breathing still stayed the same. Soft, and low, and weak.
"I understand why you acted the way you did on horizon. I was the enemy, I wasn't the person you fell in love with. Well I hope that you once loved me. I mean... I look at myself sometimes, and I think, that it wasn't worth it. Sure I saved lives, but, it made me look wrong in your eyes."
She squeezed his hand again.
"I don't care if you don't want me anymore Kaidan. I'm not exactly a model of sanity right now. But I just wanted you to know..."
The hand resting on his stomach reached instinctively for his cheek, holding the warmth of his face gently under her hand, like she was always meant to do.
"... I love you Kaidan. And I always will, even if you don't anymore."
She leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his lips, breathing in as much of him as she could before she had to leave. She rested her forehead on his.
"Stay alive Kaidan. I don't want you to disobey my direct order from my last visit."
She allowed herself a small smile before she gently released his hand, and stepped reluctantly from her chair.
As the doors hissed opened she glanced back at Kaidan, a ghost of a smile written on her lips. Before her expression changed and she was back into the cool composure of Commander Shepard, the CO of the Normandy, the last hope for Earth.
As she left the room, her echoing footsteps bounced off the walls.
Kaidan's eyes flickered open, his hand clenched the bed sheet where Shepard's hand once held his.
"I will never stop loving you Shepard." He whispered softly. He groaned as the pain registered in his head.
"And I definitely wouldn't disobey your order. Not unless I want to get hurt further."
His hand felt his lips from where Shepard had kissed him. He smiled as a doctor rushed in shocked at his sudden revival. He didn't care how much poking and prodding he would now get from the energetic doctors.
Shepard had finally said the words he had always been so desperate to hear one day.
She had let down her strong defensive walls and had let him in.
She had finally said 'I love you'
And that was all he needed to find his fighting spirit again.