A/N: I couldn't resist, I'm sorry and now you get Twelve Days of LeviClan, featuring all the badass admin, our amazing mods and notable members and such.
Song credits to Cari, and ideas to whoever had them because I just flipped through chat threads and found them. (Also some of the numbers may have been changed to fit the song, so I apologize for inaccuracy.)
Spire!Edit : There in the part about five mods, there are actually six, so I had to introduce them all, which makes the number. Bear with me, please.
Side note: if there is any part you think to be offending or upsetting, please inform me, I bear no ill will in writing this and it's all just for the laughs.
Enjoy?
On the twelfth day of LeviClan, Lover the Admin gave to me…
XII.
… twelve Ereri fanfics :
Lover roamed through LeviClan, wielding her numerous lethal weapons, 3DMG and of course, her shiny admin crown. She rounded up all the members of LeviClan (which, to everyone's disappointment, only consisted of a few members who had not yet run away screaming or ended up without miscellaneous parts of their body) and yelled, "Alright, you people, let's get ready to go to the Warriors convention!"
The members exchanged glances with grins, some worried and others mischievous. Spire glanced down at her outfit, "Won't they think we're in bondage straps?" She adjusted her 3DMG straps and shifted uncomfortably.
"That's the point," Lover replied, rolling her eyes. "We're going to the convention to scare little children off. Plus, there is someone in bondage straps." She turned her head around and yelled, "WOLFY, COME OUT HERE!" After a moment of silence, a figure came into the chat thread, albeit reluctantly. True to Lover's word, he was wearing bondage straps and a crooked mod crown.
Whisk cleared her throat, glancing away, "Is this content suitable for teens?"
"Probably not," Rowan said. "But people stopped giving a fuck about that rule a long time ago. Which is why we now get to scar underage twelve year olds, so I guess there is an upside to everything."
"How is scarring people fun?" Chuck asked, innocent as ever. She was sitting on a counter, poking at a bag of dog treats and wondering to herself if they were edible; she picked one up and everyone had the good decency to hide smirks behind their hands.
Lover shook her head, disappointed, "Chuck, you've been with us for so long and still you don't understand. Sometimes I wonder how she survived here - hell, anywhere - so long."
Hunter yelled, "ZOOM, NYOOM YOU OLD GEEZERS, I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER."
"Hello," Lover stepped into the way of a young girl who trembled even at the sight of her - otherwise a perfect new victim. She smiled sinisterly. "Have you watched Attack on Titan?"
"A l-little, I g-guess," the young girl stammered. "T-the one about the w-walls and t-titans?"
"Good. Do you ship Ereri?"
"What's that?" The girl asked uncertainly.
Lover scoffed - this generation clearly was not educated in shipping abbreviations. "Levi and Eren. Do you see them together as a couple?"
"S-sure?" The girl seemed too nervous to deny anything.
"Good. Now here you should read these fics…"
XI.
… eleven Sex Ed. classes :
"Alright, kids, today we are going to talk about-"
"Wait, this is going to be an actual health class?" One boob asked, confused. "I thought you would just stick a banana in a donut and we'd be off."
"What the everloving fuck," Wolfy muttered.
"Is that American education now?" Rowan asked from where she was sitting in the back, condom in hand. "At least in Canada we have free healthcare to compensate for shitty education."
"No wonder this generation has turned out the way it had," Cari sighed.
"Continuing on…" Lover said pointedly. "We are going to speak to you about safe sex. Does anyone know anything about it?"
Another boob raised a tentative hand, "Um, use that oil stuff?"
"Lube," Lover corrected, irritated.
"Gently stick the guy's stick in the girl's hole?" Yet another boob offered meekly. "Like, really slow?"
"Fuck me," Lover sighed. "I am serious, do none of you about know about sex beyond a guy sticking his dick into the girl's vagina?"
"Nipple play," Wolfy said. Lover hummed appreciatively.
"Yes, you can get nipplegasms often just with using your hands to play with your partner's nipples. Now back to the topic of safe sex, there is one seriously obvious thing people use for safe sex, can any of you name it?"
Only silence came from the crowd boobs gathered around Lover.
From the back of room where Rowan was perched, a condom was thrown to the front.
X.
… ten tumblr posts :
"PLEASE NO LOVER I'M SORRY FOR THAT PUN," Wolfy cried with Chuck yelling apologies along with him. They were in hysterics after the first incident about puns and this time they had made another one. This time, they were not as naive as to wish that Lover hadn't seen, because Lover always saw.
"PLEASE REAH I'M SORRY," Chuck yelled. The others watched without saying anything, scared that they would be involved in what deep shit Chuck and Wolfy had already gotten into.
After a while, Lover still had no replied, and the apologies slowed, turning into just apprehensive silence and whispers amongst the members. They were going to relax finally and declare that Lover had not seen the post when...
"You will pay dearly for that."
There was a one minute gap before the horror began, without any of the members realizing it.
A tumblr link appeared, and foolishly they all opened it, only to scream and have old wounds opened again.
"PLEASE LOVER NO," Everyone was screaming right now, all making truly admirable attempts not to look at or open the tumblr links she continuously posted.
It took ten of them. Ten tumblr posts before everyone was rolling around in agony with promises between tears that they would never make puns again.
And from that day on, two lessons were learned: never doubt Lover; and never make puns.
IX.
… nine tasty nuggies :
"Rowan, Hunter, pssst," Chuck giggled. "I bought two clownfish."
Whisk, who was sitting at the edge of the thread glanced up. "Rowan, did you give her nuggies again?"
Rowan said, "She's smarter than we give credit for, found the stash herself." She halted in her sentence, "And now I am going to deny that I deal nuggies."
"I remember the last time I walked in on you guys got high on those things," Cari muttered. "But I almost wish I hadn't."
nuggies n. [nuh-gEEz] - 1. can make people do silly and outrageous acts, 2. can be used as an excuse for doing aforementioned silly and outrageous acts, 3. a misspelling by Rowan, 4. a warning to leave the Chat thread when mentioned
VIII.
... eight active members :
"We have really got to stop scaring away potential members," Spire commented idly. "I feel like we only have, like, five active members."
"Eight," Rowan corrected.
"How did we even get up to page one with eight active members, even," Whisk asked.
"Either a lot of free time or too much procrastination," Wolfy said.
"I'm thinking the latter," Cari said.
"Most likely," Rowan agreed.
"I wonder if we could try and recruit some people," Lover mused thoughtfully. "After all, no one has entered our intro thread since that boob walked in on that orgy."
"We should go see what's it's like having a forum with so many people you can't keep track of."
"Wait, who are you again?"
"I've been here for one year already and still no one remembers my nickname?"
"Get your foot out of my ear, goddammit!"
"You get your arm out from under my armpit!"
"Calm down, EVERYONE!"
"Wait, who's this newbie that's ordering us around?"
"Where the fluff is the admin?"
"Eight members is enough," Wolfy finally said.
"Definitely."
VII.
… seven banging gavels :
i.
"AS THE ALMIGHTY ADMIN PRIEST, I GIVE MY WORD AND ACCEPTANCE TO THE MARRIAGE OF ROWAN AND CHUCK.
OBJECT WHILE YOU CAN, OR I'LL CUT YOUR TONGUES OFF LATER," Lover slammed her gavel.
ii.
"AS THE ALMIGHTY ADMIN PRIEST OF A FANDOM WHO DEALS A LOT IN INCEST, I AM HAPPY TO PRESIDE OVER A SOMEWHAT NORMAL CEREMONY." Lover yelled, and banged her gavel.
iii.
"By the powers of meh, The Dat Weird Priest, I hereby pronounce Lover and Rowan, wife and wife.
Whoever disagrees can go ahead and fuck themselves," Bump said, not quite as loud as Lover, and hit down her squirrel for emphasis.
iv.
"THE AWKWARD PRIEST SHIZU-CHAN HEREBY PRONOUNCES MOTHER LOVER AND DAUGHTER TRIN MARRIED AS WIVES.
STEP UP THE INCEST, EVERYONE," Rowan shouted, and gave a solid thump of her gavel.
v.
"Now, I know the reason you two are getting married is less about loving each other and more about the fact that you both love to annoy Chuck, but luckily we support all kinds of marriage at LeviClan marriage facility so I now pronounce you wife and wife," Lover pronounced, and banged her admin hammer.
vi.
"Then I, The "Must I?" Priest, now proclaim by the strange internet law, you are now wife and wife. Congratulations," Whisk said, banging her pachyderm and it was a relatively normal marriage. Mostly except for that mammal.
vii.
"Alright. Time for the touching ceremony.
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, I DECLARE SPIRE THE AWESOME AND BADASS ADMIN THOR LADY TO BE WIFE AND WIFE. It is official!" Rowan yelled, slamming a gavel.
Whisk took out her own mallet and hit the gavel.
Rowan's eyes narrowed and she retrieved her modhammer to hit over the gavel.
Whisk then hit the modhammer with a pachyderm.
"Did you just hit me a mammal?"
VI.
… six Teen Wolf Mondays :
"Monday night, everyone!" Spire yelled. "Clear out, clear out!" She checked her watch. It was episode six of season three of Teen Wolf, and while she was mostly sure it wouldn't be as worse as it would be if it was the finale, but she was extremely confident no one would dare touch even with a ten foot long pole the Chat thread until morning.
The writer of this story must regretfully inform all readers there are no words strong or accurate enough to describe what happens during these Mondays, as most of the members huddle away on some other website as these happen, afraid of spoilers and the emotional states' of Lover and Rowan during these times. But she does know that all the posts consist of either:
- capslock (mostly likely because neither of them can't bother when it gets turned on)
- shitty spelling or grammar (because who really gives a fuck about proper spelling when your heart is breaking)
- strings of letters numbers and symbols (resulted from repetitive slamming of their head's against the laptops or simply being unable to form a complete sentence)
Later...
"Someone pick an episode for me to watch," said Rowan.
"Season 3, episode 6," Lover replied without missing a beat.
"I hate you."
"Yeah you do."
"I was hoping for one that wouldn't cause me more emotional pain."
"Yeah, well too bad for you," Lover said, then paused. "You know, I picked that one without even looking at the list."
"So basically anything but motel california, insatiable and the divine move," Rowan listed, "And you pick motel california. It's because you're an ass."
"Yeah I am."
V.
… five obsessive mods :
i.
"On dis trip of LeviClan, we goin ta meet wit tha modz of dis forum,"said the tour guide they had hired. "Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! So all you betta listen up."
"First, there be a Rowan, da Vice Commander. Dat hoe tha resident nuggie deala n' notorious fo' her ludd of clownfish n' pecan pie. If you peep a cold-ass lil creepy shadow lurkin up in tha Chat thread, thatz Rowan. And if you peep a random thug step tha fuck up in yo' window yellin Open up, biiiatch! " thatz probably also Rowan. Da dirty pirate beast yellin aye, aye, captain? Also her n' shit. Da one all up in tha back of tha room throwin jimmy hats durin sex ed class, biatch? Rowan. What tha fuck iz she really? Only a eighteen year oldschool horndog wit a silver diamond. Bitch may seem tough yo, but sometimes just a Tumblr post can have her writhing up in agony."
ii.
"Next here, the crazy biatches here have Chuck. Sweet innocent Chuck whoz ass be bout as intimipimpin as a funky-ass butterfly caught up in a marshmallow. Dat hoe tha forumz resident lovable idiot whoz ass can always be protestin at every last muthafuckin marriage n' eatin dawg treats. Most of tha time, her ass is jumpin off bout some shiznit wit Rowan bout trivial n' meaningless thangs. Dat hoe also a walnut n' can be often found battlin Wolfy tha almond wit her 12 gramz of saturated fat against his fuckin lil' dietary protein. Most of our asses wonder how tha fuck she survived up in LeviClan, or even tha world fo' so long."
iii.
"Thirdly, we have adorable Whisk. Young n' dope yo, but dat thugged-out biiiatch can found ta be even mo' mature than Chuck is. Whisk is one of tha few twelve year oldz on tha joint dat don't abuse caps lock n' has a relatizzle sense of maturity. Biatch has a ludd fo' cheesecake, eclairs n' nuff other dope thangs. Biatch may be lil' yo, but dat don't stop her from masterin tha fine of art of slaughterin people. But her game may be hard, as is all playas whoz ass is nicknamed afta a kitchen utensils' are. Biatch's clones can be often thrown into tha sink or found up in Ikea or dropped ta tha floor cuz of her nickname."
iv.
"Next is tha resident crocodile wrangler, everyonez most straight-up bangin Aussie yo. Hunta juiced it up all up in dis long fo' a cold-ass lil couple reasons: a cold-ass lil conversation bout dick piercings, steppin on tha forum vice commander, n' generally bein a funky-ass badass n' funk person. Rowan is still probably a lil flat from her first encounta wit dis straight-up dope gal. Hunter a has a ludd fo' nuff animes, like fuckin Free, SnK (like tha rest of us) n' Psycho Pass, n' she be always tha one yellin "NOOT NOOT" or "ZOOM" or "NYOOM" up in tha Chat thread of fo' particular reason..."
v.
"Here our crazy asses have our only thug mod (or fo' that, only thug up in dis forum), Wolfy yo. Dude be a shy, sensitizzle sort of fellow, n' dearly joints his fuckin lil' dorks, Isabel n' Farlan. Dude is generally a straight-up sick person, of tha few up in LeviClan whoz ass still gotz a ass yo, but that'll chizzle soon as dat schmoooove muthafucka has hooked up both Lover n' Rowan n' tend ta take afta his wives yo. One of tha few times his schmoooove ass can be terrifyin is when da perved-out muthafucka chill deprived, or betta known at 2 AM yo. Then dude gets a lil too thugged-out n' flirty wit our most straight-up bangin Aussie, Hustla n' shit.
vi.
"Lastly we have Bump, tha crazy oldschool of our members. Biatch don't come round ta LeviClan as much as before yo, but her big-ass booty still one of our def modz n' a pimped out playa yo, but it ain't no stoppin cause I be still poppin'. Biatch is our crowbar wielding, perverted, squirrel gangbangin mod, whoz ass rides hard fo' translation fails wit her hoe, Chuck. Bump has a strange way of turnin a dirty-ass short click tha fuck into a vizzle wit her magic, n' none of our asses how tha fuck know how tha fuck her dope ass do dat shit. If you git too close ta dis coffin dodgin' creature, dat biiiiatch will most certainly infect you wit a ludd fo' squirrels."
IV.
… four pecan pies :
"Rooooooowaaaan be nicer you're so rood," Chuck pouted with her signature Chuck face.
"Pecan pie."
"What?"
"Pecan pie," Rowan repeated. She then provided a link for the confused LeviClanners to follow.
"Hey Rowan, can you tell me what happens in the season three finale of Teen Wolf?"
"Pecan pie."
The two words sent Chuck into a unbelievably giggling fit.
A boob came onto the forum, "Hello people of this forum, I just baked a pecan pie!"
Laughter and giggles ensued, leaving the boob both stunned and confused.
pecan pie n. [pəˈkän pī] - 1. A baked dessert with a base of pastry, 2. synonym for the words no, nope, or any variations.
III.
… three screaming boobs :
"Hello, newbies," greeted Whisk.
"Welcome noobs," Spire added.
A newbie tilted its head, "You know, that looks kind of like boob..."
Spire declared, "We should call them boobs from now on."
boob n. [bo͞ob] - 1. a stupid person; fool; dunce, 2. an embarrassing mistake (British), 3. a new person (LeviClanian).
II.
… two AM flirting :
"I better go to sleep before I start flirting with Hunter while she's at school. I'm sure she'd love to explain how her American husband was sleep deprived and he gets flirty when that happens."
"Oh no you're staying."
"Yes dear."
Later...
"Hunter, my gorgeous aussie where are you?"
"Without you my life would as dark as Levi's hair." Wink.
"Hunter, are you an adeptly smithed iron dagger? Because you're fine."
"I must be Gollum… Because you're my precious."
"I love you there and back."
"Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you I smile."
"Hunter? Does your left eye hurt? Because you've been looking right all day."
...
"Oh my fucking gods that's great."
The next morning...
"JESUS CHRIST MY BRAIN HAD NO FILTER!"
"If it helps I never have a filter," Rowan said.
"It doesn't."
I.
...and a brand new eternal oven.
"I'm guessing we can't bake cookies in this oven?"
End.
I hope you guys enjoyed it. c: It's just a small way of expressing my appreciation for you guys.
This was basically a lame way of trying to be funny. I tried, I swear. I'm bad at this. I apologize for supreme shittiness.
Happy holidays to everyone and a happy New Year!
Love from Spire.