A/N: Well, you can't blame me if this is terrible, people have been encouraging me. I couldn't help myself…
Disclaimer: Don't own it… I wouldn't have to write these if I did, now would I?
I sat facing my companion across the breakfast table after a particularly filling meal, which only heightened my confidence in what I was about to do. It was not often that I took any kind of liberties with my friend, Sherlock Holmes, and his private affairs; nonetheless, this was a matter of his health and I the resident physician. I braced myself for his response and put a smile on my face.
"Holmes, how would you feel if you were fixed up with someone?"
"Reconsidering our lodging arrangements my dear Watson?" he grinned in jest.
"I meant a woman, Holmes." His expression fell. I admit I had not expected him to consent, which is why I made prior arrangements.
"My dear Watson, I hope you do not mean what I think you mean."
"Oh but I do, Holmes."
"Then I would be less than amused." I could tell…
"You are in for a less than amusing day, then, Holmes." I was inwardly laughing, but I was concerned that I had invoked some displeasure that would ultimately affect the rest of my life at Baker Street.
"Watson…" He sounded angry but very controlled. To me who knew his every mood I felt that it was a bad sign. Mrs. Hudson entered the, the very personage of restraint, giggling in a way that was not becoming of her.
"The first one is here, John, have you told him yet?"
"You made our landlady participate in this- this fallacy?"
"I volunteered."
"He has been told. See her up."
"I refuse! This is a veritable travesty, Watson, I am appalled!" He realized he was yelling and corrected himself. "Very well, Watson. I will participate in your little game. Only know that I will not accept any… offers." His expression as the first girl walked in was priceless. She sat down and smiled in a charming manner and waited to be addressed. Holmes did not open his mouth so I started.
"Miss Johnson, may I introduce you to Mr. Sherlock Holmes."
"A pleasure," she smiled, offering her hand. He did not take it.
"He's a little… shy," I smiled apologetically. "Holmes, please be polite to the lady."
"What am I a child? And you my pushy nurse? I am sorry my lady but I am not interested." He waved her away and I gave him a reproaching look, bidding the lady farewell and apologizing profusely for his behavior. I turned on him when she had gone.
"I know you do not wish to participate but Holmes, for goodness sake, do not be so rude to the next one!"
"And how many are there, Watson? I suppose you have lined up every unmarried woman in London for me to offend."
"Twelve women have agreed to see you Holmes, please at least address the next eleven!"
"Eleven. I have to pretend to be interested in eleven women, listen to the myriad wants and woes of eleven lonely women?"
"Just say hello, ask her about her interests." He heaved a sigh of contempt. "Well I believe this is the next one now. Send her up, Mrs. Hudson!" The second girl was "unimpressive," the third was "extremely dull," numbers four, five and six were, "stupid and common," and number seven was "fit to be no one's woman save maybe an ass and even he would find her personality abhorrent."
Number eight was an insufferable bore.
Number nine smelled like a sailor.
Number ten was… well…
"WATSON! THAT IS A MAN!"
"Well you weren't interested in any of the women you've met!"
Number eleven was quite beautiful but very depressing.
Finally number twelve made her way slowly up the stairs. She was disarmingly beautiful, even Holmes took two looks at her face. Her personality was charming and she was very bright. Holmes turned to me looking very cross.
"Watson, she's perfect. Send her away."
"But Holmes-!"
"She is also the wife of Inspector Lestrade." I went very red in the face and entreated Mrs. Hudson to show her the door. Holmes looked more animated than he had all day.