Unchangeable
The dark haired man snuggles deeper into the crook of his lover's neck. His scent is warm, familiar and sometimes he wonders if Arthur's always smelled this way. He doesn't remember much from before- none of the specifics or the details. It was more like a dream than a memory. He could feel the thin strings of the memories at the tips of his fingers. They were like those balloons at the fair, filled with helium flying high above the bright reds and golds of the gigantic tents. He would jump and leap but try as he might, he never could quite reach it. Once it slipped from his grasp, he lost it forever. He'd learned to tie the balloon's string around his wrist from then on. But sometimes, when the wind was blowing hard and the rain slid down the bright carnival tents that towered like castles in the dark sky, Merlin would feel the balloon pull against his wrist. It would tug gently, almost sadly as both boy and balloon watched others soar up into the sky, flashing lightning making the balloons shine with brilliant colors. It was so beautiful; sometimes Merlin wished he could follow them. Just so that he'd be apart of the beauty. Just so that he could be beautiful. He would eventually feel guilty and the tears would prick the back of his eyes as he made the balloon promise to come back; to swear to him it would return. Then he would tug on the string around his wrist and let go; but no matter how long he waited, it would never come back.
The blonde strokes his lover's arm, gently tracing circles and swirls into his soft pale skin. He watches Merlin's dark lashes flutter, his pale chest moving slightly with every breath under Arthur's palm. His skin is golden against Merlin's pale skin and Arthur smiles into his lover's hair. He wonders if Merlin was always this gentle and warm. His memories aren't clear from before- the line between reality and fantasy is blurred. Sometimes he can't even tell the difference between what really happened and what he wishes did instead. They were flashes, scenes from a movie he could only vaguely remember. As a child, he would sneak away from his bodyguards and Morgana, and he would hide away in the cinema. The darkness of it all let him shed his mask and there he could lay out who he was for the entire world to see. He would laugh loud in the comedies with no fear for being told to be quiet. He would sob and cry when tragedies befell the knights and heroes. He'd wonder why he made the choices he did. Sometimes, after particularly bad fights with his father Arthur would run to the cinema and he would try to change the endings. He would shut his eyes tightly, tears still leaking out of his bright blue eyes and down his cheeks. He would cover his ears with his hands and he'd wish; wish as hard as he could that things were different. That their endings were different. He would hear the thumping of his heart in his chest as he wishes and prays for a different ending. That the Titanic hadn't sunk. That Rose hadn't let go. That Jack hadn't died and that Ennis hadn't let him. He would change his own the most though. Shut his eyes and cross his fingers even tighter, wish and pray even harder that he hadn't made the mistakes he did- the choices he did. That he hadn't left Merlin. That Merlin hadn't let him go.
The lovers turn to each other, their fingers warm on each other's skin. They are so different, polar opposite of each other. Dark black hair even darker still on brilliant blonde hair; beautiful gold on soft and milky skin. But Arthur and Merlin's eyes, though different shades of blue, mirrored the other's. Their eyes shone of loyalty, trust, forgiveness, love and regret. Tears tear their way out of eyes as lips part to gasp promises and scream apologies. But another pair of lips only meet them in reply and the sorcerer and the king realize that maybe that was what went so wrong those last times. They spoke so much and promised each other the world; a world that wasn't for them to give. They will try again and mistakes will once again be made. It may end once again in blood shed and chaos and they may fall apart into pain and misery instead of each other. The balloon may be lost again; a scene in a movie- unchangeable. A lifetime of pain and misery, a future of regrets and apologies.
But only a lifetime.
This time they will try their damndest. They will hold on even tighter and never let go; maybe then the ending will not have to be changed and the balloon will return as if on cue.
Maybe it won't even end at all.
Maybe it'll never end.