Brick by Brick - "I know what I want but I'm too afraid to go after it."
Author's Note: Hey, guys! This story was originally planned to be a O/S but I got carried away writing about my Jacob that I just had to split it up! I promise I won't take too long to upload the other parts. :) Enjoy! Thanks to my love evermine for being my beta and pre-reading this mess. Love you loads!
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I just intend to strip Jacob completely naked, having Taylor Lautner in mind while doing that. What? I am a virgin, what else am I gonna do to blow off steam? ;)
Take me away. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Always let love take the lead. I may be a little naive, yeah. You know I'm drunk on love. Nothing can sober me up [Rihanna - Drunk On Love]
"Wow, what a nice evening," I exhaled breathlessly, after we've finally made our way to Jake's apartment on the 5th floor - no elevator.
Jake nodded, lost in his thoughts, while he was fumbling with his keys - his eyes didn't meet mine. His shoulders were lowered which made him look like a defeated puppy. I felt sorry for him although I didn't know why he acted like that. Was it because of me? Was it something I said or did? Or did not do, for that matter?
I knew Jacob Black loved me. I always knew. Even when we made mud pies when we were little and some rowdy kid destroyed my 'delicious' treats, he used to kick their asses and soothe my pain. An act of love. I just couldn't love him back as much as he loved me. I knew he craved me, needed me in so many ways - but I just couldn't give him what he wanted.
That's a lie. Especially not after... You're a fucking liar. Pathetic.
Awkward silence.
"Nice," he repeated, bummed, a deep sigh leaving his mouth, "For me, it was one of the best nights of my life." He raised his head and furrowed his eyebrows, biting his lip nervously. I could see the hurt in his beautiful, obsidian eyes which exposed Jake's thoughts and soul so well. I could easily read him, we didn't hide any secrets from each other - well, he didn't.
I did.
I loved him, too. He could sense how he made me feel. He realized I loved him as well - way earlier than I admitted it to myself. Now I let him wait, lying to the both of us. A coward.
I shook my head, trying to ignore my feelings, once again, not listening to what my heart told me. I was dumb and selfish, and not did I only hurt Jake, but I also put myself in a shit load of pain.
I was a liar, oblivious to my own feelings. "Liar, liar, liar ," my subconciousness scolded me, trying to show me what would be best for me. The solution to all of my problems: the man who was standing right infront of me, warmth radiating from his body, drawing me to him, numbing my senses.
I needed him, too.
I closed my eyes, once again forgetting the world around me. "I hope you're happy, Edward!," my inner voice screamed furiously, "Look at the girl you once loved. The girl who once loved you! Look what you've done to me, you fucking asshole!"
"Are you okay, Bells?"
I found my way back to reality, my eyes slowly adjusting to the gloomy hallway. I swallowed hard, the pain dangerously crawling up my body, attacking my stitched-up heart. Jake was able to heal it but not permanently. He'd only repaired it until I would find myself thinking about him once again. A vicious circle. I used Jacob for my own well-being - he was my medication, my drug, my own personal sun warming me from the inside and outside, and I was slowly starting to want more. Everytime I was around him, I'd have that insatiable thirst for him and I didn't understand why I'd have those feelings for my best friend.
Maybe I could really love him too, knowing it won't ever satisfy him. He deserved so much more than the dead shell that was left of me - a relict of a once happy Bella, a complete Bella. I was a lost puzzle piece searching for my matching part and although it seemed to stand right in front of me, there was something holding me back. I'd just have to go for it, damn it. What the fuck was wrong with me?
"Yeah," I lied, faking a smile that didn't seem to convince Jacob. Who am I kidding? It didn't even convince me. "I'm just... exhausted, you know?" That wasn't a lie, actually.
"Sure, sure," Jake mumbled, fixating the wall behind me, still gnawing on his lower lip. What would happen if I kissed him right now? What would it mean for us? Would it be the first step of a relationship? I didn't know.
All I knew was that I had built a wall around me. After Edward left me, I was hurt. So deeply hurt that I thought I could never love again - I had lost everything, I lost him. He had taken everything from me and left me with nothing but myself and the question: why? Why did he do it? I had started doubting myself, feeling worthless.
However, Jacob slowly but surely made the wall around me disappear, destroying it brick by brick. I started feeling exposed, naked, unsafe. I was getting used to not letting anyone come near me, emotionally, that I forgot how it felt. I unlearned to love, but I somehow knew I loved Jacob. It didn't make sense but I felt hot every time he was with me. I'd see his face and feel an instant tingle running through my body. A constant, unbearable itch and I needed Jacob to scratch me badly.
Eventually, he found the key to his apartment, turned to his door, quickly opening it. There was something in the air, unspoken words, and I could tell Jacob was hoping I'd finally open up to him. He had told me multiple times that he'd do anything for me. That he would never, ever hurt me. He'd be my sun, the air I needed to breathe. He promised me to be the final fraction that would finally make me whole again. And I knew he would be able to provide that - everything I needed, everything I longed for.
Love.
Lust.
Sex.
Satisfaction.
He turned his head, facing me; licking his lips, eyebrows furrowed. He was thinking about something and I was dying to find out what it was. Jacob could read me like an open book; my thoughts seemed to be on display all the time - open access, so to say.
I broke my gaze away from his piercing eyes; mine now resting on his plump, sensual lips which were basically begging to be kissed. That tingling inside body increased, slowly getting the upper hand over myself. My breathing accelerated, I pressed my lips together to fight back a lustful moan - I needed him so fucking much...
He knew he was close. He was teasing me, knowing of the effect he had on me - sneaky bastard. He knew what he was doing, displaying his charms every time we were together. He once respected my reservation towards him, realizing the boundaries I have set up between us started to become blurry. I couldn't put my finger on the exact date or event, but at one point he decided not to give in and just fight for me. He decided not to give a fuck about my feelings because he knew what would be best for me. That he'd be best for me.
"As easy as breathing," he once whispered into my ear when he crashed at my place, curling up in my bed, spooning me. Although that was six months ago I still felt his feverish breath lingering on my earlobe as his lips softly grazed it. That night was the beginning of something new - the beginning of letting my walls come down, brick by brick. That was when I knew I loved Jacob Black. He held me close that night and I swore to myself that I would never let him go. However, that didn't mean I would let him get too close. I was keen to have him at arm's length which was a rather selfish act, yes. But I was willing to sacrifice Jake's happiness as long as it would make me feel better. He was my crutch, willingly, and I shamelessly utilized him. I was stunned he still wanted me, that he was still ready for something we haven't figured out yet. Plus, I didn't get why he loved me after all I have put him through. Only one word could describe me perfectly: pathetic.
I was already his anyway - more than he could imagine.
I was afraid to take the first step because I'd be disappointed with myself. This wall I had built was supposed to stay there forever, knowing I couldn't bear someone hurting me like Edward again. I swore it to myself, a silent and unbreakable vow - iIt was for my own safety. I somehow hated Jacob, that he destroyed everything I have worked for during the past year. I felt like something was slipping through my hands and I was afraid to just let go and give in to Jacob.
A shiver ran through my body again, making me cross my arms in front of my chest. My head started spinning, weary thoughts and doubts handicapping my ability to think clearly. I didn't know what to do. I was lost.
Suddenly, Jacob's hand found mine, enclosing his around it, squeezing it softly. His fingers felt so right entwined with mine, like a difficult equation finally starting to make sense. This made sense - Jacob and I made sense.
He gave me another stronger squeeze, almost demanding. A silent plea.
"Do you want to come in, Bella," he breathed softly, his voice soothing like a lullaby. My body reacted heavily to his words, my heart skipping one exact beat until it started its erratic thumping again after a few seconds.
I swallowed hard, needing some time to find the right words and not sound like a stuttering idiot. Jake waited patiently, just like he had been for the past months. He didn't deserve this. I would pull myself together, finally overcoming my fears. I'd have to jump in the deep end and just let my body and heart decide since they were in unison. Although I couldn't trust myself in general, I could trust my body's reactions concerning the man standing opposite me. I owed it to him. Clarity. Actions. Maybe a solution to the predicament we found ourselves in?
Kiss him! My inner voice seemed to have already made up its mind how I should handle the current situation. No, I'd approach this differently: with caution. Every step I took would have a crucial impact on our current situation. I couldn't rush it; lthough I wanted to... I had to fight back the urge to just wrap my whole body around himself, dive into him. Or rather let him dive into me.
"Yeah... s-sure," I stuttered and just like I predicted it; I made a fool of myself. Jake responded with one of his breath-taking smiles, exposing his flawlessly white set of teeth. He found my dorkiness endearing. It's who you are, Bella. And I love everything about you. Jake knew me so well, it was scary. In fact, he knew me better than I knew myself. I have always felt lost and confused and only two men were able to guide me, showing me a world of love, happiness and bliss - but also the complete opposite. Pain. Love is pain. And I was masochistic for letting Jacob push down my imaginary wall but frankly, I didn't care anymore. I was sick of myself, sick of the choices I had made, sick of constantly hurting Jake.
I had no idea what exactly made me change my mind. I was shocked how easy it was. Maybe it was because I was tipsy or just because I finally realized that loving Jacob would be enough. Wasn't it the only reason I should give in to him? Didn't love conquer everything? As cheesy as it sounded, I got it now. Love didn't make sense.
Jacob Black and Bella Swan, however, did make sense.
"Ladies first," he cooed, his eyes so full of warmth, it made me shiver. Yes, this feels right. "Thanks, Jake," I whispered, my eyes shyly meeting his.
My God, he is so beautiful. I stepped inside his apartment and it symbolized so much more than that. It was the first step of letting Jake step behind my wall and I was proud for pulling the trigger first. Proud I could overcome my fears by simply entering his apartment, entering his life. It was as easy as breathing, just like he promised.
I heard the door close and I was facing the walls of Jake's tiny corridor, awkwardly peeling off my jacket and unwrapping my fluffy scarf from around my neck. Jake closed the door, put the keys on the little table next to the door and I bent over to take off my boots. All of a sudden, I felt something hard grazing my behind. The whole world seemed to have stopped and I felt nothing but an instant throbbing against my ass.
This couldn't be happening.
My breath caught and I gasped, every drop of blood rushed to my head and I quickly turned around, feeling dizzy all of a sudden. Jake was standing a few inches away from me, his mouth popped open in surprise. Well, that just topped my list of awkward moments big time! I was blushing crimson, hiding my face behind my hands, embarrassed. I wasn't capable of forming coherent words, so I just shook my head like a maniac. I just wanted to disappear.
Jake chuckled, and took one big step towards me, our toes touching. His hands clasped around my wrists, forcing me to look him in his obsidian eyes. I felt calm instantly although my blood was still pumping through my veins at a high frequency. However, I didn't blame it on the shame I had felt a few seconds ago but Jacob's body being so close to mine. He still held my wrists in his strong hands, his thumbs drawing little circles over the back of mine. Time stood still, nothing mattered but a pair of eyes meeting, consuming.
I closed the distance between us, freed my hands from his and wrapped my arms around his middle. Jacob took a deep breath and held it until I rested my head on his chest. I listened to his heart beating erratically, when he finally exhaled, my head followed the movement of his chest. He placed a hot kiss on my hair and I could feel the fire spreading through my whole body. Every nerve shuddered with want and when his strong arms found their way around my waist, a shaky moan left my mouth. Jake held me prisoner for a while, not intending to let me go, rocking me in a soothing manner.
Was this a dream? My vision blurred and I felt a prickling in my eyes. I tried to fight back the tears but failed. I breathed in Jake's scent to calm me down, letting the mix of pinewood, sweat and smoke engulf me completely. For a moment, I had been taken back to the club we left one hour ago. In my mind, I added the smell of Vodka to Jake's odor and imagined the thumping of the music playing.
Heavy bass blasting from the speakers. Jacob takes my hand and weaves us through the crowd, looking for a place to dance. I don't dance, I told him. He told me he'd make me. Wolfish grin.
"Jake..." I croaked, clearing my throat, swallowing my tears. I blinked to clear my vision until Jake's face was sharp again. He was towering over me, eyebrows furrowed, a pensive look on his face. "Thank you," I breathed, another swell of tears rushing down my cheeks. I crashed my face into the mold between his pecs and it fit perfectly, as if his body was made for me. Jacob caressed my shoulders and his chin found its way back on the top of my head.
"Sshhhh, Bells, it's okay. What's wrong? Tell me, please?" His voice was pleading and he cupped my face with his comforting, warm hands, my stupid tears streaming over his thumbs. I closed my eyes, just to find his face only a few centimeters away from mine when I opened them again. His eyes were burning, full of raw need and passion, leaving a hot trail over my face. He is so beautiful...
It didn't make sense. Why did it take me so long to realize that I loved the man standing in front of me enough to allow him into my life completely. My imaginary wall had broken down entirely, leaving me exposed and fragile. I was afraid to love, yes, but Jacob eased my fears just by holding me between his hands. He kept me safe, always has, and I knew he would until eternity. I never thought I would be able to love again. To love somebody the way I had loved Edward. Our relationship had been indescribable, blissful. Nobody had understood the love we had shared for each other. I was afraid to let go of him just because I wanted to be reminded of those feelings even after he had left me. I was feeling worthless and hurt, and Jacob picked up the pieces and it was finally time to reward him and to unleash the love I had kept inside of me for so long. Jake deserved this. And I did, too.
Love.
Lust.
Sex.
Satisfaction.
My lips crashed onto his forcefully, demanding. I still hadn't answered his question but I didn't have to anymore. Everything was okay now. More than that.. My body came to life; a vibrant wave of love and lust flooding every inch of my body, spilling over to Jake's, engulfing him completely. We became one.
I could sense his eyelashes brush against my skin, blinking in surprise and my inner goddess high-fived me for sweeping him off his feet. He was still in shock, not kissing me back although I was putting every bit of love I held for him into the kiss. Alright then...
I unlocked my head out his hands and pressed my whole body against his own, feeling his muscles contract as he clenched his hands into fists next to my head. My fingers rested on his leather jacket, slightly tugging on it which pushed Jacob over the edge. He realized I wanted more and he was finally ready to give me more.
A deep growl left his chest, sending vibrations my way which jolted through my body. I whimpered pathetically at the loss of his mouth on mine although he still had not returned my kiss. His eyes, however, spoke volumes as they were so full of lust that I was already preparing my lips for what would come next.
In one swift motion he removed his leather jacket, exposing his deliciously strong arms. I noticed one vein on each arm peeking out of the short sleeve of his tight black v-neck, reaching from his biceps to the back of his hands, pulsating steadily. My mouth longed to ravish his arms, kiss every inch of his smooth russet skin shining beautifully in Jake's barely-lit corridor. He tossed his jacket onto the floor and concentrated his attention on me again. His chest was heaving and he breathed heavily, sending short waves of hot breath my way.
This was it then. There he stood, ready to take me. Eyeing me like a lion ready to go for the kill. I couldn't stand it any longer...
"Please," I begged, "Jake, kiss me."
And he obeyed.
He pushed me against the wall roughly, a pleasurable pain extending from my head to toe and a loud, animal groan left my mouth. I threw my head back in satisfaction when his hands roamed over my blouse and was left breathless when he ripped it open, buttons flying off, tearing the fabric - I didn't care. Thank God I was wearing my fancy bra tonight.
A whimper left his mouth when he raked his eyes over the lacy cups keeping my breasts in place. He bit his lip and rubbed the throbbing erection growing in his pants to take the edge off. It was the hottest, most arousing thing I have ever witnessed. I fought the urge to just get down on my knees and...
But he wouldn't give me a chance to think about that. With one huge step he was the one to close the gap between us this time. His lips found mine and he didn't hold back. His tongue invaded my mouth and I welcomed it happily. I darted my tongue down his throat and we both jumped - jumped over the edge of our friendship just to curiously explore a new terrain. I loved Jake; I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to make love to me, wanted this kiss to last forever, wanted him… so badly.
My hands found their way into his short hair, pulling him closer to me needily. Our tongues fought a battle, each one trying to be more dominant. I ran mine over his lower lip and bit down just to be rewarded with a loud groan. He ran his over my upper lip and sucked it feverishly. We played this game for a few minutes when my body was in desperate need of more. His skin already burnt like lava under the fabric of his shirt and I urgently needed to feel it burn under mine. I craved direct contact and my every pore connecting with his.
"Take...off...not...fair," I mumbled against his sore lips. Jake wouldn't even give me a chance to speak so my left hand clasped his shirt while my other one still played with the strands of his black hair. He hissed when I grazed his abs with my hand. He deepened the kiss and I could tell he was turned on even more. A wave of boldness washed over me when I moved my hand down, past his navel, cupping his erection.
And he froze.
All of a sudden, Jake spun me around, pressing his entire body against mine. My left cheek made contact with the wall as I cried out, shaken by lust. Jake liked it rough - I was definitely okay with that. He grumbled against my back, burying his mouth in my neck, sucking hard at the sensitive flesh - that would definitely leave some bruises. I threw my head back, allowing him better access and he didn't hesitate, now adding biting to his sweet torture. I was about to go insane when he pushed his erection into my lower back, holding me prisoner, pressed roughly against the wall.
"You're a dirty little girl, Bells... I like that," he whispered into my right ear, taking my earlobe between his teeth and biting down. I screamed as the waves of pleasure threatened to drown me completely. If only he knew how wet I was, how much I craved his strong hand massaging my clit, pushing me over the edge.
"Bella... " he whispered and as if he could read my mind, his hands traveled from my ass to the front, and I wanted to scream in anticipation of his fingers entering my pussy. Finally... Only a few moments until Jacob Black was mine forever.
One of his hands reached for my neck, possessively guiding it to his hot mouth, his tongue dancing on my sensitive skin. His other hand still rested between my thighs and I could feel the heat building up in my stomach, the insatiable thirst for Jake causing me to lose my mind. Arching my back, I pressed my ass against his rockhard erection. I needed Jake so bad, all of him. Consume him.
"Shit, Bells," he hissed, his moan thick with lust, when I pushed against his dick harder - and I was brought back to the club, having a dejá-vù.
Jacob positions me infront of him, my back pinned to his hard chest. His arms snake around my waist and he starts dancing to the beat. He is about to cross a line, dangerously moving his hips against my ass, but it doesn't matter. All of a sudden, he spins me around swiftly and leaves me no time to adjust my vision when our bodies unite. I can feel the beating of his heart, vibrating through my chest, and I give in. My arms fly around his neck, my hands buried in his hair, our faces mere inches apart. "See," he growls against the booming music," I said I'd make you dance with me."
And then I realized, entangled in Jake's arms, that tonight wasn't the first time I had given into him - not even in the club. Countless times I crossed lines I have set up in our friendship, promising myself they'd be a stable barrier to protect my heart from breaking a second time. Gradually, I laid my all into the safety of Jacob's strong hands, mainly because my subconscious knew Jake would be right for me; the medicine I'd need to finally stitch up all the wounds Edward had left.
Jake's lips wandered across my skin, breathing in my scent. The mood shifted, the thick lust dominating us slowly evaporated to make place for another feeling. Jake's hands rested on my naked stomach, gently caressing it, and I placed mine over his. Closing my eyes, I savored the feeling of him around me, me being locked safely in his arms, my favorite feature about him. I desired to make the world stop - I didn't want this to end. It was sheer perfection and I shared this piece of bliss with Jacob, my Jacob. My sun, my everything. Love...
"I love you," I whispered, lending my heart a voice. I was willing to give my all to Jacob and he needed to know how I really feel. I owed it to him, remembering the countless times I had pushed him away, hurt and disappointment spreading in his dark and beautiful eyes. It must have been frustrating for him to help me realize my feeling towards him. It must have felt like a game he'd always lose - but now he got the jackpot. I was his and although it was new territory for me, I was willing to take a chance with the man holding me in his strong arms, wrapping me up, never letting me go.
I turned around to face him, still entwined in his arms, waiting for his reaction. The corners of his mouth twitching, it didn't take long for one of his signature Jacob smiles to spread across his face. Exposing his brilliant teeth he chuckled, puffing his hot breath against my lips, numbing my senses. Jake's low chuckles made both our chests rub against each other, the friction against the thin fabric of my bra causing my nipples to get hard, the flame in my stomach igniting again. I needed him... more of him.
"I know you do, Bells." His hot hands enclosed around my face, holding it tight, making me sweat. His thumbs caressed my flushed cheeks as he lowered his mouth onto mine, our lips grazing gently. "It wasn't easy making you admit my feelings for me though," he spoke against my lower lip, sucking it, his words an echo of my own thoughts. "You gave me a hard time, Bells."
He slid his tongue into my mouth and I answered hungrily, moaning against his lips. Jake's hands left my cheeks as he put them to rest on my shoulders, the feverish feeling continued spreading all over my skin. Couldn't he tell how hot I was for him? How much I longed for is touch on parts of my body hidden underneath my pesky clothes or what was left of them? I longed for the roughness which filled the corridor with lust a few minutes ago. Longed for his body pressed forcefully against mine, his manhood ready to take me... God! He turned me crazy, my panties must be a damp mess. Please, Jacob Black, I want you...
And then he just let go.
My heart dropped to the floor when he pulled away from me, the ghost of his hands still lingering on my shoulders, the trail he left on my lips still burning. I was dumbfounded when I watched Jake walk away from me, into the living room of his apartment.
AN: Muahahahahaaa! Look at me cockblocking away! Sorry for being a tease, guys! :P *Reviews and feedback appreciated*